Like trying to run through water.

I'm moved into my new place. I have a job full time.

And... my depression is back. The anxiety is there too, coming in to make me feel like doom is around the corner.
Being surrounded by boxes to unpack and major decisions to make about where to put everything, is not helping the situation.
I read an article today about how depression is like trying to run through water. It's hard.

I knew I was struggling, but how much didn't hit me until last week.
My sleep schedule is WAY off and I've been staying up late unpacking and then falling asleep after work and then waking up at 9pm and then staying up late... you get the idea.

So I woke up late, again, after staying up late, again, and I got dressed (I'd showered and I had dug through suitcases to find clothes for work). I put on makeup, I did my hair and I put on my coat and I grabbed my keys.
Then I stood at the door. I didn't want to go to work.
And I went into my room and I sent an email that I was sick (because saying "I'm depressed, I can't come into work was a truth I wasn't at yet) and I washed off the makeup, took out my contacts and spent the morning watching videos on Youtube. Then I slept for the afternoon and finally woke up and ran some errands.
That's when I knew, because getting out the door again was not easy.
You would think everything falling into place would cure the depression, not make it worse!
So I'm seeing a doctor next week. I'm so scared this will turn into my last full time job experience, where I lost the job because I didn't show up for a whole month. Really. I think I went in maybe once or twice. My sick leave and holiday pay were both gone and I didn't care. I just didn't get paid.
Depression and my addiction played a huge role in that. But I didn't know I was addicted at the time.

That day, I listened to Elder Holland's talk "Like a Broken Vessel" over and over again.
I've prayed.
And I'm trying to see the good things I do.
Like yesterday, I got my living room pretty much unpacked. Even though that meant more boxes in the other rooms, I tried to focus on the good that I'd done. I have a place to sit! I put up a bookcase!

I also learned of a change I need to make for both depression and recovery.
That night, as I cleaned, I was listening to October Conference talks. Then Elder Quentin L. Cook's Priesthood Session talk came on. Now I'm not a huge fan of Elder Cook, so I was only half listening.
Then he said this: "A wonderful example of the need for moderation, balance, and wisdom is the use of the Internet...As Brother Randall L. Ridd poignantly taught at the last general conference, speaking of the Internet, “You can get caught up in endless loops of triviality that waste your time and degrade your potential.”

Metaphorical hand to the back of my head.
I've been struggling with triggers and temptations. And one thing that's contributed to it is what I've been wasting my time on. Youtube has some interesting channels about films and Top 10 lists and I've been watching them, but yesterday, one of them got really bad. Again. They will show the complete scene from a film. And I kept watching.
Well, then I was struggling with the memory of that scene the rest of the day. Stupid, stupid decision.

When Elder Cook spoke those words "endless loops of triviality" I realized that I was doing that exactly!
I know part of it my depression. But I should be watching better videos. Like the Bible Videos. :)

I have felt temptation a lot more.
The other day, as I was shopping for muffin tins, I passed by the book section and I just wanted to go read a romance novel! My mind was literally saying "go read it, it will help." ha ha ha ha.
I haven't had thoughts like that in a long time. I mean, more than fleeting ones.

I'll make it, though. I have the Lord on my side. I just have to do my part.
Today in Relief Society, the lesson was Elder Christofferson's talk on Agency and he pointed out that repentance is self-will. The Lord will help us heal and forgive us, but we have to make the choice to repent!
I know that He guides us to that point. He won't make us change, but He keeps reaching out to us to help us, knowing that we will turn to Him. What a lovely thought.

One other contributor is that I've missed group for a month. I didn't go one night because I was tired, then I went home to get packed and then I was moving and then... well, it is being felt.
So I'm thinking of going to a general ARP meeting tonight. I feel like I need it.
Even a phone in one... just a meeting.

The good news is that:
Today I went to Church.
Today I can trust my Heavenly Father.
Today I can fast for help.

Today I can do little things and appreciate that I can do something.

It's not just spiritual

I'm moving to my new place in a couple weeks. I'm loving my job.
I'm working on Step 11 (I have 2 questions left in the Study and Understanding!). I'm praying.

But I feel... out of sync.

Sometimes, if I sit a certain way, pain starts in my chest and I, being the anxiety attack prone person I am, fear I'm having a heart attack. Which, of course, can bring on a panic attack. Fun.
Now my shoulders hurt, my neck, my back, and my chest.

A couple weeks ago, I slipped and fell at work. I thought I just hurt my ankle (my right ankle is always getting sprained. Poor weak thing), but then I found bruises on my legs, my head hurt and now, my shoulders, my lower back, and my legs hurt.
I think that aggravated an existing problem and now... I feel out of sync! It hurts to sit.
My eating habits are not the best (lately I've been eating those super size muffins). I crave sugar.
I just want to sleep all day.
Not to mention the aches and pains and the moments of RUN RUN NOW! panic attacks. I'm averaging about 1 a week. Maybe two. My panic attacks are a sense of impending doom with a fierce flight desire. Something I can't do in the middle of work. I breathe deeply.... a lot.

I can't sleep.
I'm not exercising.
And I hurt.
And I can't sleep.

Yesterday was especially hard. It started out great. I'm getting ready to move into my place. I was late, because of the whole can't sleep thing, but I felt good... and then I went to see a play. It's about a women who has never been loved and then she meets this guy who convinces her she's beautiful and it has a very happy ending. It was hard to watch.
There is a part of me that wants to be loved so badly. I ache sometimes with the longing to have someone, a man, in my life. Yet there is also that fear of being hurt, again. Or there's the fear of getting married and actually having sex and then that triggers a relapse. Even just the idea of kissing someone scares me, because I don't know how I would deal with that emotion. Most of my life, I've lived in a fantasy world, where I made myself feel those feelings. Sometimes, the idea of having to actually be kissed in the real world triggers me.
So I shut it down. I don't read romance novels, even "clean" ones. ha ha ha. Like there is a such a thing.
So this play brought up a lot of difficult, longing emotions.

So, I turned to the internet and googled "single LDS in mid 30s" hoping to find someone who was in a similar situation.
Don't do that, by the way. EVER.

I was seeking comfort, but I found a plethora of websites on the fringe of Mormon culture. I found the women who support the Ordain Women initiative, etc. Women and men who, I realized, want the world to revolve around them and use their singleness as an excuse. Some have even gone inactive.
Instead of solace, I got doubt. and I was tired enough to recognize that letting this much doubt in was not the solution. It would only make things worse. So I prayed.

Missing group Friday night did not help. I was exhausted and planned on going to bed early. And... couldn't sleep!

Today, as I hobbled around (my hips hurt too), I realized I wasn't taking care of all of me.
Step 10 (it's becoming my new Step 3. Step 10!!). I haven't been doing Step 10. I haven't been working the steps each day. And also...
The ARP Manual says

"As you plan your day, prayerfully examine your motives. Are you doing too much or too little? Are you taking care of your basic spiritual, emotional, and physical needs? Do you serve others?

Ask yourself these and other questions as you seek balance and serenity in your day. (pg. 59)"

Forehead slap. I'm not doing this! Any of this! I'm not exercising. I'm not eating healthy, good foods, without lots of sugar, chocolate and candy (and muffins). I'm praying morning and night, but I'm reading the scriptures for only a few minutes at night. Doing both of these things would help with the depression.

It may be my accident at work just aggravated the issue, but I know I'm out of sync. My depression is high. My panic attacks are really bad. I've been triggering a lot lately. And my body hurts. My heart hurts.

Even my spirit hurts. And there's so many triggers.

So it's time for some changes.

Today, I went for a walk and listened to Step 11 and watched the sun set. I watched the clouds change color, I listened to beautiful music. I'm writing in my blog.

Then I'm going to take a shower. I'm going to get some sleep (I'm going to bed extra early tonight and I will not fail! ;)

Then I'm going to see a chiropractor. And I'm going to exercise. Even if it's a 10 minute jog. Or a walk on my lunch break. 

And I'm only going to have sweets on the weekend. Except I can have a hot cocoa if I really, really feel like I need chocolate. Work does not make this easy, though.

I am talking to my Heavenly Father. A lot. I am telling Him my fears and my hopes. I'm saying my needs. He's answering my prayers in good, small ways.

This all snuck up on me. I did not even realize how bad things were until this weekend. 

Please don't think things are completely awful. I am not sitting around in my pjs eating extra large muffins and watching rom-coms instead of going to work.

I'm just struggling to not do that. 

I go to church. I study my lesson. I pray. I pray to remember Heavenly Father and Jesus always. To remember that I can turn this over to Them. To remember to pray.

I'm coming up on my Four Year Anniversary of Starting Recovery. I've been thinking about me then. How I thought I would be fixed in 12 weeks. Ha ha ha ha ha.

But I wouldn't have this any other way. I am so blessed to be in recovery. No, I'm not perfect in it, but I can become better. It's worth the price to pay.

The last few months have been a lot to deal with! Big changes, broken hearts, job worries, stress at home, job worries, missing group. Without recovery, I've no doubt that I would be in the middle of my addiction. It's only by the grace and help of my Savior and Lord, by reaching out to Him, that I am where I am today. I'm not in a great place, but it's a worthy place. I can make it a great place. A place I know will take me closer to Him.

All things are possible through God, even recovery.

I listen to a lot of Christian music. I know it's a safe radio station to have on. And I love the music. Not every single song, but there are times where the Lord sends me a message through the songs. 

TobyMac has new one out and I love it.

It gives me hope that I can overcome my addiction. That God gives us challenges so that we can grow, and that He will help us succeed. We just have to turn to Him. Surrender. Not that surrendering suddenly makes life easy or takes away agency or choice (darn it). 

All things are possible with God.

Call it a reason to retreat
I got some dreams that are bigger than me
I might be outmatched, outsized, the underdog in the fight of my life
Is it so crazy to believe

That You gave me the stars put them out of my reach
Called me to waters a little too deep
Oh, I've never been so aware of my need
You keep on making me see
It's way beyond me
It's way beyond me
Yeah, it's out of my league
It's way beyond me
It's way beyond me
It's way beyond …

Anything that I got the strength to do
In over my head keeps me countin' on You
I'm leaving the sweet spot, sure shot
Tradin' it all for the plans You got
Is it so crazy to believe

You take me to the place where I know I need You
Straight to the depths that I can't handle on my own
And the Lord I know, I know I need You
So take me to Your great …
Take me to Your great unknown

Why I love ARP

Due to the craziness of the holidays and life, I missed ARP for three weeks.
I've struggled with ARP here, for various reasons, the big one being it's on a Friday and if I want to go somewhere for the weekend, I miss it. But I also know that I need to attend group. I definitely feel the miss if I don't go.
And the past three weeks of group have been wonderful.
My heart is so full of gratitude for this program. How it's helped me. How it's changed me.

January has been hard. My roommate left for the whole holiday weekend, which is good. But also worried me a bit. Being on my own for a whole weekend may not be great. My depression and anxiety has come back, so I didn't get much done. But I also didn't give in to temptations. I also exercised!

I've had some money stresses lately. Basically, I want my own place. While I love my ward, I feel the need to be on my own. My own pad, with my cats and my own furniture. My television programs. The problem is, apartments are ridiculously expensive here and I'm not sure how much I can afford.
And, due to some paperwork problems, I'm having to pay back part of my last paycheck and I won't get the replacement until next pay day. And I haven't gotten these new paychecks yet!

Basically, I feel a little adrift. I am so grateful to have a job. But I also need to plan for the future and, as the future has always scared me (my first panic attacks would be around birthdays, holidays, big events like graduation) and I realized that is one of the reason's I haven't been making goals, like 5, 10 year plans, etc., is that the future scares me. I'm still working on overcoming that. I struggle with goals, so I'm looking for ways to set goals and achieve them. I found a great resource on line to help set goals while dealing with depression. I hope it helps.

Last week's group was on Step 2 and as we started reading, I realized I hadn't looked at Step 2 in a long time! It was almost like reading a new step. It reminded me how important consistent review of the steps is. I have been struggling with hope and I hadn't been reading a step that would help me with that struggle! Duh.
So I'm going to start reading at least one recovery scripture every day. It may be Step 11, Step 1, Step 2, but it's going to be a recovery scripture. I would like to start reading Step 1, 2, or 3 every night again. I think it would really help.

Friday I was talking to a friend who shared that one of her relatives is an addict. They have lost their family, their job, and been arrested numerous times. As I listened, I mourned for this person and their family, including my friend. I prayed that they would somehow find recovery. (I ended up sending my friend a link to the ARP program for spousal/family support). And I also thought how that could have been me. I stood in danger of losing it all too, once. Well, I stood at the top of that steep incline, maybe even a few steps down. I am so grateful that the light of Christ was strong enough to help me see that I needed help four years ago and prompted me to go the Bishop. Even if I thought it would be a month without the sacrament kinda deal. Not a Four years in Recovery one. Not that I would change anything! I love this program. I am eternally grateful that it is in my life!
I cannot cease singing praise to my Lord and my God for helping me to be in recovery 4 years later. It's not easy. I still struggle and I know that there are still changes to be made. I'm still learning to choose Heavenly Father over many things, but I know I can do it with Them by my side.
Every day I pray for the ability to turn my thoughts and emotions over to Heavenly Father. To recognize when I need to lean on Him.
I am a miracle. He healed me.
As my AA coin says, "I not only believe in miracles, I depend on them."


Update: So I found a place this weekend! My own apartment! It's a basement in the house of a Christian couple near work and I am so happy. I can have my cats! Yay!

A new year...

First off: I have a job!
A real, permanent job!

YAY!

It was a Christmas present from my Heavenly Father.
Of course, this being me.... my body is now freaking out.
Somehow, I can make it through the stressful portion and then, when things calm down, my body and brain say "Ok, life is good. Crisis over...now lets freak out." I've been battling panic attacks and, surprisingly, a lot of triggering thoughts, memories... one of a "book" I was writing years ago.
I keep giving it up to Heavenly Father. I don't want anything to come between me and Him, especially memories that I have repented of. Nice how Satan likes to drag those up.

I don't want those. I want my Heavenly Father.
Not to say it's hard.
I've been battling fantasies. Especially of having a boyfriend. The holidays, for some reason, bring a feeling of loneliness for me. Really, I am fine being single. In many ways, I can't imagine having a boyfriend. I haven't had one since I was 16 and... what would I do with one?
I'm still struggling with my crush and so I try to think of what I want in a boyfriend, but that veers too close to fantasy territory. Gah!
Also, being the holidays, I haven't been eating the healthiest, which I know contributes.
So my resolutions are to work out more often, work Step 11 more often and watch my sugar, because I'm starting to suspect that sugar is addictive.

But I have a job! I'll have a desk! A place that is mine.
Things are settled. It feels really nice. Like huge weight has been lifted.
Finally, March of 2015 will mark my fourth year since starting recovery! Wow.
I am so grateful for the ARP program. It has blessed my life in so many ways.
I am reborn. I am made new. I am healed through my Savior and Redeemer because I took courage and went to see my Bishop all those years ago.
If you are struggling, please see your Bishop. It may not be a perfect experience. Pray for your Bishop. Heavenly Father wants you to come back to Him. And if you take that first step, as I did, you will find that He is "anxiously reaching for you," as Elder Holland says.

Bring on 2015! With God on my side, who can stand against me!

Life is the good and the bad.

It's been almost a month since my last blog post and now I'm struggling with my addiction and with life!
Ha ha.
Due to the holiday season and the fact that my group meets on Friday, I haven't been able to attend PASG for a couple weeks. And lately, I've been struggling with triggers, fantasies, thoughts (oh my word, the thoughts) and the desire to escape. I finally got to attend group a couple weeks ago, but missed the next one because it was the same night as my Ward Christmas Party and... I wasn't feeling well. I spaced it.
I've been so lonely and that is triggering memories and thoughts and ... ugh.
My crush is back at work, with his girlfriend.
And in three weeks, I may not have a job. I may be moving home. I have bills that need to be paid.

I realized part of the problem is that I don't have a space of my own. They've moved me at work to someone else's desk. So my things are in a box.
I have my room at "my" apartment, but being stuck in my room all night is not cool. I still don't feel like I belong or that this is my place. I just rent a room.

Anxiety is constantly there, waiting to erupt.
I've gotten three rejection letters this week.

So, after my last interview of the year last week, capping off a week of headaches and heartaches and panic attacks, I think my body just gave out. I think the headaches are from my new contacts (yay) and I... feel out of alignment. Out of sync. I don't know how else to describe it. I don't feel like myself.
When I woke up with a huge headache, I took Friday off of work and watched corny Christmas movies on TV, but the commercials! Oh my word! The commercials on daytime TV are insane! Sexual and just icky.
Which just added to my triggers, which has started to include the desire to masturbate. Haven't had that desire in a long time!

Loneliness is right there too. Just tonight I was following up on a show I used to watch (it started looking up a character on a film my roommate was watching, which is not Sunday appropriate, so I shouldn't have been watching it in the first place)... anyway, so I was looking up this show and there were a couple clips of the main couple kissing.
Trigger? It triggered emotions in me.
I wanted to keep watching it so bad and I wanted to watch the other clips, but luckily, I realized that was a step on a slippery slope and I couldn't go there. I didn't want to go there. Well, I did, but I knew it wouldn't end well.
But that's pretty much every day now.
And I've made some really stupid choices in what I read (who knew Dear Abby and other advice columns would be so sexual?) during the day that I've triggered these thoughts. So I need to keep my Sabbath day special and spiritual.

And every day I fight off panic attacks and nausea and fainting. It's so "fun." So I'm trying to figure out what is going on. I know part of it is that my spirit, body, mind, etc., just can't take it anymore. It's been three months of stress and sadness and worry.
I'm so tired. Plus, being the Christmas season, my sugar intake has increased which is also not helping. Ugh.

So even with the news that things should be alright (I find out definitely tomorrow) job wise, I'm not feeling it.
Basically, I can't feel it right now.

Usually, when I have triggers this bad, it means I need to work on the ARP program. At the same time, I don't feel like I'm working recovery.
I feel low.

Still, I know that things will be okay. This won't last forever. I do have to keep trying and keep striving.

There's a quote on my wall a friend in recovery gave me a long time ago.
"We Can Do Hard Things."

I don't want you to think that I'm awful. I still laugh. Life has hard moments, but beautiful and good moments too. I thank my Heavenly Father for the good moments. He is with me.

D&C 133:45

For since the beginning of the world have not men heard nor perceived by the ear, neither hath any eye seen, O God, besides thee, how great things thou hast prepared for him that waiteth for thee.

I'm finding joy in Christmas. I've gone to the temple, which has helped. I know there is light ahead. I just have to keep going toward it. And work on Step 11. Maybe just answer one question tonight. I can do that much.

When I'm afraid

A blog post with the details of the past month is coming... hopefully tomorrow.

Needless to say, it's been really hard.

Then, the other night at a particularly dark, scary moment, this song came on the radio. Twice. Really. It was in the middle of a bunch of songs on my local Christian radio. I had heard it, cried, then switched stations and it came on again not five minutes later!

Heavenly Father knew I needed that message right at that moment.

It's one of my favorite songs now.

The world is so broken and sometimes it leaves you cold.
And at times you can't feel the fire to guide you home.
The demons will haunt you and try to steal what you know.
But the angels, they brought you, and they're gonna hold you up.
They're gonna hold you up.

They see the fear in your eyes, heart sinks like a stone.
'Cause when you're afraid, it weighs on your soul.

Our Heavenly Father and Savior do know us. They know me. They will hold me up.