Survival Mode

I started a post a few weeks ago, but never finished it.
Hi, I'm Stacey!
The past couple months have been horrible, and good, beautiful and ugly and hard.

I've started seeing a counselor and I love it. It's so helpful and nice to have someone who is honest with me. For bad and for good! I realized that I was expecting too much from myself, with my illness and my depression/anxiety. It's a process. Even if I only get one or two things done, I accomplished something! That is good.

A brief recap:

Coming back from Thanksgiving, I had a hard week. My counselor helped me figure out it was because dealing with my family is a trigger for me. That and I still can't eat much. Pumpkin pie with whip cream was a huge mistake.
That's been hard too. I've lost weight, but my depression and anxiety are still there. I can have panic attacks when I eat the wrong thing. Yes, I look good, but
This is very, very frustrating. I can tell because I have user dreams too. I actually had one where I was tempted to indulge in fantasy and I gave in. It felt so real! Ugh, this brain sometimes.

Christmas was good. Nice and relaxing.
I saw the new Star Wars and went to a nice Candlelight service with my landlady and her family.
But, all the stress of family and life wore on me. I missed a whole day of work because of it.
I couldn't meet with my counselor over Christmas.
We also visited my brother and his family, which was nice, but also tense and stressful.
Family can be triggers, my counselor helped me see that.
And then I picked up some illness from my nephews. It was so bad, I missed two days of work and finally went to see the doctor... who put me on antibiotics. yay.
Anxiety lies. Depression lies. Addiction lies.
I was feeling all three. A lot of lies.

I withdrew. I didn't go to church or activities. I missed group for about a month.
Looking back, I was majorly depressed.

Last week I decided to be social. I went to our RS Activity (that was so much fun) and group! I really needed group. We were on Step 6.
Honestly, I thought "Oh, no."
These past few months have been HARD! Emotionally, physically, mentally... all of those and more.
I struggle with feeling close to Heavenly Father and my Savior. I studied the Christmas Story, but I wasn't feeling the story. Does that make sense?
I was praying and studying and... I felt distant from my HF and Savior.
That night, as we read, I realized that I've been in Survival Mode.
Getting through the day is my goal.

And that's okay.
My counselor is helping me see that depression focuses on perfectionism. I have to clean my house all in one day.
I have to do Indexing, Family History, bake and cook, Visit Teach, Serve others, etc... RIGHT NOW!
That's not possible.
I'm a Work in Progress. A Masterpiece in Progress.
One day at a time. And if I only get one thing done... I got ONE thing done!
YAY!

I got sick again after the New Year and put back on antibiotics... that was nerve wracking.
So I'm watching very carefully what I eat and drink. Dang my low immune system.

Work is stressful and not fun right now, but I'm sticking it out because I'm hoping for blessings. I'm hoping for improvement. Pulling out of this funk and starting to feel like I'm living and not just survival mode.
Working in improving prayers. Remember Heavenly Father and my Savior every day. Praying to remember them when needed. Not just in bad times, but in good. I really need to work on the bad, though. I tend to forget them when I'm in the middle of a stressful or bad moment.
Right now, I'm going to bed early. Lots to do tomorrow and I need to get sleep.
I went to a fireside the other night and we sang my favorite hymn "Come Unto Jesus."

Come unto Jesus, ye heavy laden. 
Careworn and fainting, by sin oppressed.
He'll safely guide you unto that haven
Where all who trust Him may rest.

Wishing you peace and love...

Addiction in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

I love RL Stevenson. He's one of my favorite authors.

In fact, I read The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde a few months before I had my rock bottom moment that started me on recovery over four years ago. The story stuck with me. In fact, while I was writing after my first slip, I mentioned it in a Study and Understanding section. How I felt like Hyde was out and wouldn't go back in.
A year ago, I decided to read it again, and I got an audiobook version to listen to while driving.
Listening to it, I had a realization! It's a story of addiction!

Spoilers, if you've never read the story. (PS Don't watch TV versions of it. They usually have a sexual aspect which is not in the book.)

Dr. Jekyll is an upstanding man, but, he reveals to his friend, he wanted to be able to commit sin without remorse!

 "If each, I told myself, could but be housed in separate identities, life would be relieved of all that was unbearable; the unjust delivered from the aspirations might go his way, and remorse of his more upright twin; and the just could walk steadfastly and securely on his upward path, doing the good things in which he found his pleasure, and no longer exposed to disgrace and penitence by the hands of this extraneous evil.”

Sound familiar?

Jekyll creates a drug to bring out the evil/immoral side of him. He becomes Mr. Hyde. Mr. Hyde knocks down and steps on a small child. Later, he murders someone. Yet he shows no remorse. Hyde is purely the immoral aspect of man.
At the end of the story, Jekyll recounts how, when he tried to stop becoming Mr. Hyde, he couldn't! Then Hyde begins coming out at will. No more drugs needed. And the drink that Jekyll used to stop Hyde ceases to work. Knowing he has no control, Jekyll becomes Mr. Hyde and commits suicide.

As I was listening to this, I realized how much Hyde is addiction.  It starts out as curiosity, or blatant rebellion. Then, once we're hooked, there is a part of us that wants to indulge in the addiction without consequence or remorse. And then we find ourselves giving in more and more. We can't stop and, eventually, the addiction takes over our lives and we are trapped. If we don't seek help, we know there is a real possibility of death.

However, sad as Jekyll's end is, WE have the option of turning to Heavenly Father. We don't need salts or drinks. :)
We believe that we can be healed from the damage of addiction and that our Heavenly Father does this for us.

There is hope even in the darkest moments.

It's too heavy

Good thing: I finally was able to go to group last week. I missed the reading, but I was there for the sharing. Which was really good, but I was exhausted afterward.
This illness is not going away.

I'm getting better, just not as fast as I would like.
It's frustrating. I'm tired, ill and can't eat hardly anything.
I try to eat something that sounds good and it bites me back.
I called my doctor and went to see a specialist. It didn't help that, while filling out the paperwork, anesthesia was mentioned and my dear brain started to freak out.

It's been freaking out a lot lately.

My anxiety's been coming in waves. I take a pill, I eat something, etc, and I get all nervous again.
I'm so tired.
The specialist basically said this is going to take time to heal.
Ugh.

Added to that, I've been having two or three user dreams every week. Really strong ones, where I wake up not knowing if this was real or just a dream. Stupid brain.
I haven't been keeping up with my scripture reading or journal writing. I feel too tired to do it.
Paul's writings are really hard to understand when you're mental capacity is low.

There are changes I want to make, improvements. Like scheduling my day and trying to work out. Or working on the steps.
I'm finally on Step 12. (yay)
I wish I could feel more positive, be more positive, but this has been going on for months. And I'm tired, sick and sad.
All of this has brought up feelings of homesickness for the UK.
I'm feeling stuck. It's hard when people talk about following your dreams, because I so am not doing that right now. Hitting a brick wall at every turn.

I want something different, but I have no idea what. Plus, thinking and worrying about this while sick is not helpful.

I'm trying not to be Lot's wife, but dang, is it hard. This week marks 4 years since I came home from the UK. I miss it so. I feel like I have no purpose here.
I try to be thankful. I'm grateful for my apartment, for my landlords, for rainbows and birds on top of morning sun kissed trees. But when you wonder what the point is. Why am I going through this?
With me being so sick, I've missed work and I have no leave hours left, so money has been tight. Which just adds to the worries.
I went and saw the bishop last week, and there is some hope, but I missed church today and the sacrament. I honestly don't want to go.
Today it's too heavy.
There is so much to do, but I don't know where to start or how.
Sorry this is such a downer. Today I'm sad and tired and worried.
But here is a song of hope.

Conference was great!

Good news: I'm on the road to recovery!
This week was better than last.
Thanks to the wonders of modern medicine. It's taste awful, but it's working.

It's still been hard with feeling horrible, anxiety levels way high and barely able to deal with life, not to mention anything else.

And I couldn't concentrate on General conference. I did well for the Saturday Sessions, but today I was not paying attention.
My goal, then, is to read and listen to them again, closely. Because there are some answers I'm seeking and praying for.
Especially the "What Lack I yet?" Oh, that one is already bringing the guilt!


Now I'm tired and one of my goals is to be in bed by a good time.

I will try to write more later.

There's gotta be a point to this.... please

Today.
Today is hard.
This whole week has been a trial.
Ha.
These past two months have been a trial.

I'm tired. I've been having panic attacks all day.
I've felt weak and ill.
Totally freaked out.

Last Sunday I started feeling sick after church and then it hit full force on Monday.
After I got some bad news on Monday about work and my pay.
I went home early and was up most of that night. I figured it was food poisoning.
Missed work Tuesday, started feeling better that night and then was up again.
So Wednesday I went to see my doctor.
It's not food poisoning.
I've missed a lot of work. I have no idea how to make ends meet.
Two Priesthood blessings have helped, but not healed like I hoped (as in instant, or at least overnight).
Two user dreams this week as well. Very real and very troubling.

BUT I finally got to take the sacrament today!
I have a kitty curled up on my leg.
Inside, I feel things will get better. That I will make it through this.

Casting Crowns came out with a new song and I love it.
It came on the radio the other day when I was feeling so lost and alone.

Stop holding on and just be held.
My addiction won't beat me. Neither will my depression.
I'll overcome the lies.
Just as soon as I feel up to it....

I'm still here

Hi there.
It's been a rough month, well, two months.
I'm grateful for the priesthood.
But the last couple months have me questioning myself. Why I'm here. Where I'm supposed to be.
What my future will be.

I finally made it to group on last week and it was wonderful. I've missed those dear sisters in recovery.
Today I'm feeling down. I missed church (I missed church last week due to illness) again today and, when I tried to find a church to take the sacrament, well, the parking lot was empty.
I'm frustrated and I know it's because I'm tired and just coming off an illness. Life stressed and money stresses are not helping.

So I will keep trying. At group I had inspiration to write down what I need to do and part of that is writing more in my journal. I've been holding things in and it is starting to show.
I'm also reading a great book Undoing Depression, which talks about how depression rewires the brain (sound familiar?) and that medication and therapy may not be enough. It's more like addiction recovery! I think I can do that. :)

I stayed up way too late to clean my house, but it does feel better.

Anyway, it will be okay.
I asked for a priesthood blessing last week and it was just what I needed. Heavenly Father knows me. Even though I'm feeling horribly alone and lost right now, I'm not. At least I have my Heavenly Father and my Savior on my side.
Someday I'll know why I'm having to go through this all.
One goal is to start praying now for answers in the next General Conference.

As TobyMac says "We lose our way, we get back up again."

I'm trying.

A boat on the sea.

That's how I've been feeling the past couple weeks. Not a lost boat, but a boat bobbing up and down as it travels. High up on the waves and then down into the depths.
There have been good things. I got to see a dear recovery friend's wedding and see a very, very good film, InsideOut. 
And then one of my relatives from my dad's side of the family showed up, which caused a lot of triggers and some panic attacks. That was "fun."
Added to that, my dad is trying to make contact again. He wants my phone number and I told my brother that I didn't want him to have it.
You know how in Step 8 the manual recalls the woman who is able to forgive her abusive father and be relived of her painful feelings?
I'm not there. I feel like I have forgiven him, but I also don't want him in my life. Because he pops in and out again when he feels like it and I don't want to go through that again. Because here I am going through this AGAIN.
Ugh.

Anyway, then there were hard days, but things started to look up. I went to spend the weekend with my family and, barring a mishap when I got wet when I didn't want to and I didn't react nicely, which caused some tension, but only briefly.
So last Monday I had a wonderful day. Work was good. I was getting on new meds that would help me, and I was feeling happy.

And then an unexpected expense hit and I floundered again.
The temptation to indulge in my addiction was back, because I knew it would help me feel better, with the addict part trying to forget that the feeling doesn't last!
I was mad at Heavenly Father too, because I don't feel like I've made any progress.
Just remember that depression lies. Addiction lies! Anxiety lies.
I was dealing with a lot of lies.

Added to this, was a post I put on Facebook that had people I thought friends attacking me.

I prayed. I found resources online to tell me that it is going to be okay. I watched videos of kitties and tigers. I played with my cats. I gave thanks for my cats. I accepted the moments of anxiety. I breathe. I tell myself it won't last and I keep walking.

I went to group last week, which was such a blessing. We read Step 2, Hope and I needed that message. Seriously, group is the BEST!

I take things easy. Although I still need to work on my sleep patterns.
And my brother gave me a blessing which really helped. It's gotten me through rough days this week.
I go outside at night and look at the stars and breathe and pause.

I am going to be okay. :)
I will keep fighting. I've learned that God can't help with all my battles (after all, He can't make phone calls, much though I wish He would ;) ), but He will help me during the fight.
Yes, I know Jesus loves me. Ups and downs are part of life. We have to keep sailing.