It's less of a boulder and more like a towering wall.

You know that quote by President Monson that says the future is as bright as your faith?
My faith is pretty dim right now. So what does that mean?
I am struggling. Not with my addiction, but with life.

I feel as though I was going along the path, seeing the sights ahead, confident in where I was going and then the Lord dropped a huge wall (think Mordor's gates in LOTR) that stretches in both directions for a long, long way, right down in front of me. I have no idea how to get over the wall. I didn't ask for the wall, but it's there and it scares me.

I didn't get the job.

I didn't get my job.

So I feel like I'm standing there, staring at this unexpected wall and thinking "What the heck do I do now, God?"
Luckily, I can cover for someone else, so I have a job until January. And then... big blank.
It has been rough. I mean, rough. I've cried. I've felt so emotionally exhausted.

After I got the call to tell me, I went in the bathroom and cried. Then I left early, spent some time with a friend trying to process this. I didn't get the job. What am I supposed to do now?
And then I drove home to just escape. I got a blessing which was good and I am trying to hold onto the promises in that blessing. One thing I was told was to put the Lord in my heart. Which I do need to work on. My prayers were getting a bit rote.
Then I went to the temple, because that was also in the blessing. But the problem was... I am MAD.
I am furious!
Not at God, but at those involved in this process. It's a long story. So if I wasn't listening to a book, or music or watching TV, then I was thinking about this and getting more and more angry.
My trip to the temple was... ok. I wasn't concentrating, I was thinking about this situation and being mad and then triggering because my mind was trying to deal with my anger and the constant worry that I had no idea what was going to happen next.
The Relief Society lesson was on Prayer. Ok. So I'm working on that. Sincere prayer. Constant prayer.
And part of me was ready to move home right then. I was done with new. I wanted old. (barring the whole "no jobs" there conundrum).

I've been tired and depressed and the negative self talk has been constant.
I'm not good at anything. I won't get a job again because I can't do anything useful. I have no skills. No one wants to be my friend because I'm a horrible awful person. Etc and so forth.
NOT TRUE!
But Satan likes to attack us when we're down.
Being tired didn't help. I was making plans and those plans have changed and... what happens next?
No apartment for myself, which I was really looking forward to. No pets (which has been really really hard) right now.

I went to Group tonight and we were on Step 4. I realized that I haven't been doing Step 10. I haven't been reviewing my day with the Lord at night. I haven't been working on my Steps. I need to write in my journal (literally the Spirit was tapping me on the head while we were reading).

I love Group. I love the reminders I get every time I go. And I get hugs. :)
So I've applied for jobs. I paid my tithing. I'm going to the temple tomorrow.
Then, while I was sharing, I thought of the tender mercies the Lord gave me this week.
The Christian songs that came on the radio at my darkest moments with a message I needed right then (He Knows by Jeremy Camp). The hugs and encouragement from friends and co-workers (seriously, I've gotten three emails this week with job opportunities from co-workers and friends). The scriptures that I looked up that give me hope. The strength I've felt while I pray.

Just tonight, as I was typing this, I am listening to my youtube playlist of Christian music and Carry Me by Josh Wilson comes on. That is exactly how I feel. I need to know that God is with me. I need Him to carry me.

Somehow it will be alright. I have to hold onto that promise.  The Lord said in my blessing that doors would open. My faith is enough that I will believe that. Or at least keep trying until I see those doors.

I also highly recommend The Honest Guys channel on Youtube. I am listening to "Releasing Anger" every night. It is helping.

Finally, here is a song that I love, love right now.

Sometimes the world has just gone dark.
Sometimes you're praying for a spark.
Right now it feels so hard to breathe.
Right now you're asking "God, why me?"
That's what you can see right now.

There's a bigger view than what you can see right now.

But if you lift your eyes.
See it in a different light.
Just a cloud up in the open sky.
Let the rain fall away 'cause today is beautiful!

So I'm going to stop banging on the huge wall and lift my eyes up to my Heavenly Father and ask for help.
Turn this over to Him. And try to have faith that because He sees over the horizon and around the bend, He will lead me where I need to go.

He knows.

Today's lesson in Sunday School was in Isaiah. I love Isaiah! I love the promises from the Lord recorded by this prophet. Yes, I struggle to understand him, but the beauty of the language touches my heart.
As I've been reading these verses this week, Heavenly Father has spoken to me and given me comfort.
October was a rough, rough month, but it's getting better. I've had some great experiences going to visit friends and family. I still need to work on triggers from my family, well, because of my family. There are some unresolved issues there that I need to deal with.

And the good news is, within the next week, I will know about my job, finally! It's still nerve wracking, because I don't know what will happen.
Today I was reading the Ensign during church. I'm still trying to catch up on the October edition. Anyway, it was an article that talked about being single and the author quoted Elder Scott talking about compensatory blessings. That resonated with me.
Back when I was deep in my addiction, I was miserable and I saw the withholding of what I wanted as punishment from God. I see now that He is sending compensatory blessings for me when I don't get what I want. I'm still being blessed in good ways. Numerous ways.

I finally got to attend group and it was wonderful! It continually amazes me of the miracle God has performed in my life through the ARP program. This week thoughts and images and memories have been bombarding me! It's been a real struggle to give them to Heavenly Father. It's been a struggle not to feel shame, but I know I can get through these moments, if I turn to my Heavenly Father.

And as we read Isaiah 53:3-7, I remembered that my Savior knows. He knows about temptations and triggers. He knows my sorrow and struggles. He knows my doubts and fears.
I've been really struggling with sleep lately. As in getting to bed at a good time and getting up on time. It's been a lifelong struggle, actually. So I fasted about it today. I also have my own plans on how to help. Starting with setting an alarm at night to help me remember to get ready for bed.
Like recovery, I can't wait on the Lord to change me. I have to work at it as well. And keep going, even when I fail or struggle or want to give up.

But He knows me and He will help me. He loves me. He loves you.
Today in Sunday School we read Isaiah 53:6:
"All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way;"

In my manual, by Step 1, I wrote down these words from Peter and reading that verse made me think of this one, 1 Peter 2:25:
For ye were as sheep going astray; but are now returned unto the Shepherd and Bishop of your souls.

We have gone astray, but the Shepherd of our souls wants us to return to Him.

One month. 30 days.

First off, this title is just because it's been exactly a month since I posted and I have no idea what else to title this blog.
I've been meaning to post every week, but something happens or I'm too tired, etc.
It's been a whirlwind month.
I've only been to group once and while it was a great experience, I feel the lack of a weekly boost. It's harder to control my thoughts and the inappropriate ones loom quicker and larger. They are harder to get rid of and turn over to Heavenly Father.

I could write on and on, but suffice it to say, the last 30 days have been hard and just... a lot. Addiction, personal, family, work, emotional, spiritual issues - all of that. Like I'm trying to find secure ground and, when I think I have, it turns to slate and I struggle to stay standing. I get nice breaks where I can escape and just enjoy myself, and then it's back to life again.
I don't want to make this sound like I'm doing horribly.
I laugh, I smile, I see the beauty in each day. I find the tender mercies. I pray, I study (still need to work on Step 11), and I try to keep a prayer in my heart.
But I feel tired some days. I feel overwhelmed. I feel alone.
Yesterday, it all hit me. A huge, unexpected bill, an anniversary of leaving a place I loved and that I miss every day and I found myself crying and then I kneeled on my bed and put my head on the shoulder of the painting of Christ I have hanging above my bed. It wasn't completely comforting, but it helped. I wish He could hug me for real.

Hopefully, the next couple weeks will bring some answers and stability.
Heavenly Father is still answering my prayers and I find that if I do my part, then He helps me finish the task.

I'd like to share one of my favorite musicians. And one of my favorite songs. It's a theme song of sorts.

Wounded head you will be fine
Your weary legs will hold you in time

D&C 6:36
Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not

I'm trying.

I get back up again.

I haven't been working Step 10.
I'm on Step 11, but I still need to be working Step 10. It's been a whirlwind time.
Things with the stupid crush did not resolve themselves, but considering that he just left work for a long time, without saying good bye, pretty much shows me where I stand.
I am worth more than that.
So I'm going to have a little fire, in a fire safe zone, and say goodbye and move on.

Starting with Step 10. I haven't been making a schedule. I haven't been caring for myself physically, spiritually or emotionally. I've been depressed.
So, here on this blog, I'm going to start changing that. I'm going to Institute (which I did last week. I wasn't impressed, but I'm going to try again or find another one). I'm going to find something creative, like singing or writing, to do one night a week. I'm going to go to the temple more often.

I realized this because I've been struggling with thoughts, temptations and triggers this past week. That's a sure sign I am not working recovery fully.
I've been slacking in my scripture study. Not reading a lot and letting 1 or 2 verses count.
They don't.

It's not just a boy. I'm feeling a little lost. The job might be ending soon. I'm not where I want to be professionally or personally and I struggle with that. There's trials for my family and friends.
But each day is a new day. I can try again. So I'm going to. Starting tonight with getting to bed at a decent hour.

I press forward in the hope that there is happiness ahead. Better happiness. I choose to be happy today. To do my best and let God do His part.
That's all we can do, isn't it?

This I know, God is for me.

Straws and camels

My heart was heavily dented last week.
Long story short, my crush decided, after two weeks of putting me off, to confess that he was actually "kinda" dating someone else. And... ugh it's a long story. It ends with a battered heart.

At that moment when this landed on me, I think the last few months, so precariously balanced in my heart, body, and mind, broke and fell. I cried in the bathroom at work. I came home, vented to my roommate, and cried some more. I went for a walk. I was furious, I was mad, I was weak, I was frail, I was hurt, I was stunned, I was sad, I was heartbroken.  I kneeled for prayers that night and sobbed and cried harder than I have in months. Why. Why. Why. Why did this have to happen. Why did it have to hurt so much.
I also printed off his picture and went to a construction site and burned it. I listened to "Forget You." That felt good.
Part of me didn't want to go to group, but I knew I needed to go.
As I was driving there, and thinking about him and overanalyzing, the thought came that he wouldn't want me, because I'm an addict.
But then I thought... No, I am not just an addict. I am awesome! I am more than my addiction.

Group was just what I needed that night. I love that program so much. I am so glad I went.

Then the panic attacks started the next morning. I knew it wasn't just him. It was the past few months and yesterday. I was a camel and I'd had my last straw.
I really wanted to just sit home and cry that day, but I didn't. I kept busy. I went out with friends. I went to the temple, which was good. One worker told me that the people I was doing the work for would find me and thank me one day. I felt needed.
I even got to sit in the celestial room and pray.
I went out for yogurt, even though I was ill and panicky. I breathed.
Sunday I went and met with my Bishop. I told him about my addiction. We talked. I got a blessing. Then I came home and slept and only attended part of church because I felt so panicky and ill. Not fun.

It's hard. Part of me is embarrassed for what happened. Misread signals? I don't know. My confidence took a huge hit. Ugh. It's such a struggle. Also, my little abused girl keeps coming up, the "please love me, if I do this, will you love me?" aspect of me. And my obsessive thinking keeps kicking in. So helpful. My emotions are still all over the place. Let's just say the boy left things kinda up in the air.
I'm working on turning all this over to my Heavenly Father. I move forward. I strive. I try not to yield.
I need a punching bag.

So I acknowledge my feelings. I acknowledge my failings. I listen to Conference talks. I read the scriptures. I am working on Step 11. I have these meditations on Healing and Banishing Depression (or thoughts), so I'm doing those as well. I still struggle. Part of me just wants to sit and play Candy Crush all day. And sometimes I do that and then I snap out of it and go do something else.

I will get through this. I will move forward. It won't be forever. I will go for walks or go swimming instead of eating the pound of fudge in my house. I will have a bit of the fudge.
I will go to work, I will do my best to work hard. I will turn my life over to the Lord. No, I'm not perfect at this.
I will be honest. I've fantasied a bit about having a boyfriend when I see this guy next. I've imagined conversations. I've been hurt and angry. Memories, triggers and temptations have been around a lot and it is soooooo tempting to give in. I know it would be a relief, yet I know that relief would only last for a second and then the guilt would overwhelm me and it's not worth that.

So, I don't know what is going to happen. I know I will make it. I have Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost on my side.

I don't know how to do this.

I have a crush on a guy.
I'm struggling with this.
I have had one boyfriend in my life. When I was 16. It lasted for the summer and ended dramatically and I went all Marianne in Sense and Sensibility, and acted just like a teenager with a broken heart. I moped, I cried, I wrote horrible poetry. There are whole swaths of my journal I can't read now because it's still rather painful and juvenile. I even wrote down what he wore.

In the intervening years there have been guys, oh so many, and more heartbreak and dates that never called again, of telling a guy I liked him and never hearing from him again. Of me trying to be what they wanted and then finally just being myself, but still being alone.

Flash forward 20 years and I still feel like that 16 year old who wonders what she's doing wrong. I've read books. I've asked friends. I've examined myself and made changes. I've prayed.

Truth: I have no idea how to have a relationship. How to start a relationship.
For most of my life, my knowledge of relationships, about "love," came from written pornography and romantic comedies. Not exactly accurate.
I created entire relationships in my head and then got mad when he didn't do what I thought he should. When he probably had no idea I even liked him. I've gotten to the point where I can recognize Limerence and love and lust and fantasy and see where I am. But I still feel deeply.

I find myself doing this again. Right now.
The last week has been up and down and happy and depressingly morose. I've cried. I've hurt.
And I think, it shouldn't be this hard! Is it me? Am I making more out of a... friendship than is there?
I asked my crush out. And he said yes and then I haven't heard anything from him since. Augh. I like him. I really like him. Apparently, he doesn't have a clue. I think he should react a certain way and when he doesn't, I'm sad because to me it means he doesn't care.

I've talked with friends and roomies and family. I feel good for a bit, but then something happens and I'm plunged into depression. I think he knows and yet he isn't reacting the way I think that he would... ?
My roommate says I have a fear of rejection and I think it's a part of what is going on, but I don't know what to do with that information. How do you tell yourself "Quit feeling this." Or "stop feeling so deeply."

This is exactly why I say I am perfectly happy single. I'm a sex addict and I am scared of relationships. I am scared that I can't do it in the proper way (?) whatever that means. Basically, I feel like I'm still 16. Trying to make sense of boys and my own emotions. Dealing with the fear that I'm overreacting (and no one wants that) and then wondering how to halt those crazy moments. Added into the fear that he will find out about me, my addiction, and turn away. Which is foolish to think, when he doesn't even know much else about me. It's not like I'm going to blurt it out on the first date. If we even get to that point.

I know enough to know that the emotions I'm feeling right now are not just about a boy. My cats have been sick. More changes at work. I'm moving positions again. Yes, I've only been there two months and I've moved twice. Today was hard. It was lonely and new and... difficult.
And I think "I need boy drama like I need a broken leg." I pray and tell Heavenly Father that I am not cool with this. I ask Him what purpose this serves. I tell myself that this too will end in tears. I wonder if the difficulty means I'm doing something faulty. A sign that it's wrong.
The deep, deep fear of being hurt again. And then being hurt anyway.

I am sore afraid. I'm stuck between wanting a... let's just go with date. I want a date. Yet, I'm scared of the outcome. Any outcome. Fear. Fear. Fear. Fear.

Sigh.

Romans 5:1-4
Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:

By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

And patience, experience; and experience, hope:

I'm working on the glory part. 

All I can do is keep moving forward. Attend group. Study the scriptures. Pray. Turn all this over to Heavenly Father and hope that someday this will make sense. I will see what I learned from this experience.

In the meantime, I'll try not to stalk anyone on Facebook...

Sometimes I ask "why"

You're probably reading this thinking I ask "Why do I have this addiction," but you would be incorrect.

I'm kinda over that. For today, at least.

In the past few weeks, I've lost good friends and a dear relative to death. There was some employment drama with the news that my job was going to end wayyy earlier than thought (long story) and so I was facing unemployment after moving a month ago.
Stress. Stress. Stress.

Plus, I have yet another crush/limerence on a friend and it is driving me crazy.
Part of me secretly hoped that if this whole marriage thing ever happens it would involve less mind games and me doubting myself. As in an angelic manifestation. Or the man just walking up and asking me out. To know that he is interested. I hate crushes. It's not fun. It's not exciting. It's brought up feeling of incompetence and worry about how will I ever tell someone that I love that I have an addiction. As well as the whole "what is wrong with me" issues when he doesn't seem interested.

Monday it all just hit me. The loss, the grief, the worries, the doubts and the frustration. All capped by a former good friend sending me a bitter message implying that I had caused their mental breakdown simply by reaching out to say hi.
All I wanted to be was anywhere else but here.
So I came home and cried. And cried. And cried.

The week didn't get any easier. And I found myself asking "why." Why do I have to have a crush. Why is this happening? So when I found myself playing the comparison game, I checked myself. I usually don't do that, so I knew I needed to look at myself and get to the bottom of the emotional bucket, as it were.

In the past two months I have been through a lot. Emotionally, physically, mentally and emotionally.
Big, huge changes. Heartbreak and loss. Adjusting. Worry. The heat!
Plus, the loneliness. I don't have a lot of friends where I live yet and I feel that lack.

Then came group night and I tried to make some excuses, but I went. It was where I needed to be. It was a lot better than last time and I'm fairly sure I went way over my time, but I needed to talk. It helped tons. This is longest I've gone between meetings since I started recovery. I need to go.
So I'm going next week.
I'm also exercising every day, as much as I can. I'm reaching out in my ward (still need to meet with my Bishop to introduce myself), finding activities to join in locally, and I'm going to start going to SA  (Single Adult) stuff (scary), and trying to keep turning all this over to the Lord. Every moment or hour it takes.

So I'll make it. I'll make it with God at my side.


One last note. Monday, as I lay on my bed with tears streaming down my face, this song came on...
thank you, Heavenly Father, for the tender mercy.