I had surgery a month ago. My first (and hopefully my last). The other night at ARP meeting, I had a revelation of sorts.
I've been in recovery since 2011 and this month marks my seventh anniversary! Go, me!
It was "minor" surgery, but it was hard. Medical fears are one of my anxiety triggers. I have felt peace beyond understanding, but also moments of extreme anxiety and panic. Great waves.
But I survived. It's been a difficult time. More depression. More anxiety. Pain at the surgery sight. Getting over the anesthesia... it took longer than I thought. When my surgeon said I'd be able to go back to work right after... I believed him. And he was right, but not entirely. I did go back to work, but I also couldn't work full days and had to take lots of naps.
I'm still recovering in a lot of ways...but I can do more each day.
A lot like addiction recovery!
When I started the ARP program, I thought it would be 12 steps in 12 weeks and I would be "fixed."
Instead, it's been seven years! It's wonderful, because I've been healed, not merely fixed.
But it took (a lot) longer than I thought and it was painful... very painful.
However, though my arm hurts since the surgery, it doesn't hurt as bad as it did before the operation. That was a lot sharp pain.
I knew addiction recovery would be painful... and it was... but it was a lighter pain than when I was an addict. Does that make sense? It's been hard and it's hurt, but it's a healing hurt... not a bottomless, deep hurt.
I admit that I'm missing my addiction this week. With my struggles with mental health, the desire to escape into fantasy have been there, a lot more than usual. But I know it wouldn't help. Reality would still be there.
So that's my great realization.
Recovery from addiction isn't easy. It's hard. It's painful. But it's worth it. Because the pain hiding underneath is much worse than the pain of the healing process.
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Sunday, March 18, 2018
Sunday, July 23, 2017
If you don't take the time to be well...
The above quote is from Elder Holland's talk "Like A Broken Vessel," which has always been one of my favorites, because I am broken in many, many ways. Sometimes I feel irrevocably so.
The entire quote is "Physicians promise us that if we do not take time to be well, we most assuredly
will take time later on to be ill." And I learned lesson a few weeks ago...
With the stress of trying to find a place to live, commuting, dealing with late nights, and depression and anxiety... I was letting things slip.
And I was hit with a major trigger... I found out I might have to see a family member that I haven't seen in over a decade and have no desire to see or ever have anything to do with. At the time, I thought I was fine with it.
I've forgiven this person, but, as ARP has taught me, it doesn't mean I have to have a relationship with them. Especially when they refuse to change.
Anyway... at the time I didn't think anything of this. I'd come off a slightly stressful weekend with family (trigger festival galore) and a long, stressful day. I was trying to get ready for a work conference and... I had a breakdown and ended up in the hospital.
It was wave after wave of anxiety attacks. I couldn't get control of it and I realized at group this week that it was because I haven't been taking the time to be well. Spiritually, emotionally, or physically.
My meditation has fallen by the wayside. I don't exercise. I barely get enough sleep and I skipped church to spend the day looking at apartments online. (It's no surprise none of those panned out.)
I was running faster than I had strength and when the anxiety attack came... I couldn't handle it. And I ended up in the ER followed by another day of anxiety attacks. Plus, a few user dreams because that is how I usually dealt with this in the past.
It's been very hard, I've been forced to deal with emotions and triggers I've buried for a long time. Also, because God didn't instantly fix me. I got a blessing from a random man that day and I still ended up in the ER. I was mad because I wanted the immediate healing. And I didn't get it. I didn't start feeling okay for a couple days. I thought that my Heavenly Father hadn't helped me, that He had... not abandoned me, but definitely didn't do things my way.
Until I realized that I had led myself to this. The consequences were something I was complicit in because I had become complacent (from Elder Sabin's talk this last conference).
The best part? I survived! The worst happened and I didn't die. I didn't end up broken and irreparable in some psych ward... lost forever.
My Heavenly Father was there. He sent angels on both sides of the veil.
And I'm learning to take better care of myself and focus more on including the Savior and Heavenly Father in my life. I'm taking the time to be well and in recovery.
Hope is there. The future is bright and God is over all.
This is one of my favorite songs right now. It's how I feel. I'm may be dry bones, but my Heavenly Father will raise me up again.
"I may just be dry bones
Stripped of sinew and skin
But the wind of His spirit
Will raise me up again
I lift my eyes
I look to the horizon now
Oh, there's still a song to sing
Fall down on your knees and cry aloud
Can you hear
Can you hear that thunder
Sing His name, sing it out
'Til the sky spills over"
The entire quote is "Physicians promise us that if we do not take time to be well, we most assuredly
will take time later on to be ill." And I learned lesson a few weeks ago...
With the stress of trying to find a place to live, commuting, dealing with late nights, and depression and anxiety... I was letting things slip.
And I was hit with a major trigger... I found out I might have to see a family member that I haven't seen in over a decade and have no desire to see or ever have anything to do with. At the time, I thought I was fine with it.
I've forgiven this person, but, as ARP has taught me, it doesn't mean I have to have a relationship with them. Especially when they refuse to change.
Anyway... at the time I didn't think anything of this. I'd come off a slightly stressful weekend with family (trigger festival galore) and a long, stressful day. I was trying to get ready for a work conference and... I had a breakdown and ended up in the hospital.
It was wave after wave of anxiety attacks. I couldn't get control of it and I realized at group this week that it was because I haven't been taking the time to be well. Spiritually, emotionally, or physically.
My meditation has fallen by the wayside. I don't exercise. I barely get enough sleep and I skipped church to spend the day looking at apartments online. (It's no surprise none of those panned out.)
I was running faster than I had strength and when the anxiety attack came... I couldn't handle it. And I ended up in the ER followed by another day of anxiety attacks. Plus, a few user dreams because that is how I usually dealt with this in the past.
It's been very hard, I've been forced to deal with emotions and triggers I've buried for a long time. Also, because God didn't instantly fix me. I got a blessing from a random man that day and I still ended up in the ER. I was mad because I wanted the immediate healing. And I didn't get it. I didn't start feeling okay for a couple days. I thought that my Heavenly Father hadn't helped me, that He had... not abandoned me, but definitely didn't do things my way.
Until I realized that I had led myself to this. The consequences were something I was complicit in because I had become complacent (from Elder Sabin's talk this last conference).
The best part? I survived! The worst happened and I didn't die. I didn't end up broken and irreparable in some psych ward... lost forever.
My Heavenly Father was there. He sent angels on both sides of the veil.
And I'm learning to take better care of myself and focus more on including the Savior and Heavenly Father in my life. I'm taking the time to be well and in recovery.
Hope is there. The future is bright and God is over all.
"I may just be dry bones
Stripped of sinew and skin
But the wind of His spirit
Will raise me up again
I lift my eyes
I look to the horizon now
Oh, there's still a song to sing
Fall down on your knees and cry aloud
Can you hear
Can you hear that thunder
Sing His name, sing it out
'Til the sky spills over"
Sunday, June 11, 2017
Working the steps and surviving life.
2017 has been... good... and bad... so mostly normal.
I struggle to realize that it's not all bad and try and find the good. We need both.
I've learned that. I can't be happy all day every day. I realized that while watching Inside Out last month. Joy annoys me and I realized she won't allow the other feelings to be felt.
As you know, I struggle with anxiety and depression and they've been switching places. I'd go through the week feeling anxious and fighting off panic attacks, only to sink into depression on the weekends.
Since the New Year: I've had to get my car repaired several times, even got a new engine, because I was stupid and drove it while it was overheating... so I was isolated and having to ask for help to get to work and I am not good at asking for help.
I've been sick and ill, and having anxiety about that... and the car kept having issues.
This last week I've struggled with sleep, with making myself get out of bed in the morning to go to work, even though I love my job... I've felt helpless and hopeless, dealing with user dreams and triggers in ways I haven't in a while.
At work, we had a training on a book on triggers (not only addiction, but good and bad triggers), which was something I hadn't thought of before. There can be good triggers. And trigger festivals. That's my new favorite description of spending time with my family. I'm off the the trigger festival.
It didn't help that I missed group twice in a row due to all this craziness.
I learned I needed to be gentle with myself. This week, things started to look up. I'm off my anxiety meds, on new depression meds. I'm going to find a new counselor. I found a new doctor who is awesome... I also decided I'm going to move. Being so far away from work is not good, it's frustrating and time consuming. Especially as a single woman. I actually hired a cleaning lady for the month because I was sick for the second time in a month, stressed, anxious, depressed, and feeling overwhelmed. I do not regret it.
The housing situation is also stressful. Oh, the stories I could tell.
I may attend the Single Adult ward once I move... but the jury is still out on that decision.
I realize that I'm learning to deal with my depression and anxiety in ways I haven't had to before now. The last time I had anxiety this bad, I hadn't started recovery. So I would use my addiction to cope. Which explains the user dreams, because my body still thinks that's the solution. Which it isn't.
Today, I feel good. I feel better than I have in a while.
Recovering from addiction is about rewiring the brain. So is recovery from anxiety and depression. It's teaching my brain what is truth and what is lies. No, I do not have blood poisoning because my leg is red where I just scratched it. No, I did not just relapse and give up on recovery.
None of this has been easy. But I feel similar to the way I did six years ago... recovery is possible. I'm not defined by addiction. Or depression. Or anxiety.
And there is hope in that. Recovery.
I struggle to realize that it's not all bad and try and find the good. We need both.
I've learned that. I can't be happy all day every day. I realized that while watching Inside Out last month. Joy annoys me and I realized she won't allow the other feelings to be felt.
As you know, I struggle with anxiety and depression and they've been switching places. I'd go through the week feeling anxious and fighting off panic attacks, only to sink into depression on the weekends.
Since the New Year: I've had to get my car repaired several times, even got a new engine, because I was stupid and drove it while it was overheating... so I was isolated and having to ask for help to get to work and I am not good at asking for help.
I've been sick and ill, and having anxiety about that... and the car kept having issues.
This last week I've struggled with sleep, with making myself get out of bed in the morning to go to work, even though I love my job... I've felt helpless and hopeless, dealing with user dreams and triggers in ways I haven't in a while.
At work, we had a training on a book on triggers (not only addiction, but good and bad triggers), which was something I hadn't thought of before. There can be good triggers. And trigger festivals. That's my new favorite description of spending time with my family. I'm off the the trigger festival.
It didn't help that I missed group twice in a row due to all this craziness.
I learned I needed to be gentle with myself. This week, things started to look up. I'm off my anxiety meds, on new depression meds. I'm going to find a new counselor. I found a new doctor who is awesome... I also decided I'm going to move. Being so far away from work is not good, it's frustrating and time consuming. Especially as a single woman. I actually hired a cleaning lady for the month because I was sick for the second time in a month, stressed, anxious, depressed, and feeling overwhelmed. I do not regret it.
The housing situation is also stressful. Oh, the stories I could tell.
I may attend the Single Adult ward once I move... but the jury is still out on that decision.
I realize that I'm learning to deal with my depression and anxiety in ways I haven't had to before now. The last time I had anxiety this bad, I hadn't started recovery. So I would use my addiction to cope. Which explains the user dreams, because my body still thinks that's the solution. Which it isn't.
Today, I feel good. I feel better than I have in a while.
Recovering from addiction is about rewiring the brain. So is recovery from anxiety and depression. It's teaching my brain what is truth and what is lies. No, I do not have blood poisoning because my leg is red where I just scratched it. No, I did not just relapse and give up on recovery.
None of this has been easy. But I feel similar to the way I did six years ago... recovery is possible. I'm not defined by addiction. Or depression. Or anxiety.
And there is hope in that. Recovery.
Sunday, January 01, 2017
Happy New Year!
I started this blog post a few weeks ago and it was pretty bleak. 2016 has been hard. Add to that the deaths of Carrie Fisher, one of my heroes, and it really hit me hard.
I am so tired.
I've agreed to write a book for an editor friend and it's way overdue. I said I would get some chapters to them after Thanksgiving and I... am still working on it. But I need the money, because I have a two hour commute each day. It's less if I drive, but then I can't work on the book if I drive and driving stresses me out and uses up gas money.
I got massively ill the week of the election and spent the night of the election pacing my landlady's basement, having huge, massive anxiety attacks. So I missed two days of work at a job I just started. Then, because of the fallout from the election I got to go on anxiety meds which exhaust me.
So my typical day is barely making it to work on time (my boss is so, so understanding, but there's also that fear that they're not really and one day they'll just fire me like my last two jobs this year), working, barely seeing the sun, traveling home in the dark, and finally getting home after 10+ hours away from home.
My house is messy. I put up my Christmas tree a week before Christmas. A couple weeks before, I hurriedly put up a few decorations and my nativity, just to try and feel the Christmas spirit... it hasn't really worked. The holidays felt rushed, my anxiety is through the roof and I've been getting into political arguments on Facebook and was accused by a friend that I was calling her racist... so I think I've lost some friendships over that.
Spending 5 days with my family was great and nice and fun and horrible and lonely and so stressful.
Yesterday, I cried. It was New Year's Eve and no one called to invite me over. I realize how often we forget the single people in the church. I don't mean widows or widowers or divorcees... I mean me. Those of us who have never been married. Who have to sit through church hearing about how to raise a family, or how to apply this lesson to our kids.
I was lonely and stressed and I just wanted someone to reach out to let me know I was remembered. It was a friend from the UK who messaged me a sweet Scottish poem about the New year and I cried. I cried because I miss Scotland. I miss my friends there. The members of the church who did not let me fall through the cracks. Ugh. Honestly, I'm so tired of walking through this desert.
But it's a new year and, as one of my favorite songs, says "Yesterday's a closing door, you don't live there anymore" it's onward and upward. I've accepted that, barring angelic manifestation and possibly a heavenly sign, I'm alone for 2017. Oh, I'm avoiding Single Adult activities like the plague! It's rather like I'm daring Heavenly Father for a miracle. :)
I want to move closer to work, which I will start working on once the dang book is finished.
I will to exercise daily, even if it's only 10 minutes on the thingy in the basement.
In other good news, I'm seeing a counselor for free this week. I do love my job.
I worry that I'm sabotaging myself, but I'm also asking for Heavenly Father's help. I feel hopeful for 2017. It will be hard to leave where I live now, but I also feel that pull to move on. I really, really miss the sun.
To end, new year, new beginnings. But every day can be a new beginning. Also, I'm finally answering some questions on Step 12!! YAY! It's a New Year's miracle!
It will be okay in the end. Trust in God.
Happy New Year!
I am so tired.
I've agreed to write a book for an editor friend and it's way overdue. I said I would get some chapters to them after Thanksgiving and I... am still working on it. But I need the money, because I have a two hour commute each day. It's less if I drive, but then I can't work on the book if I drive and driving stresses me out and uses up gas money.
I got massively ill the week of the election and spent the night of the election pacing my landlady's basement, having huge, massive anxiety attacks. So I missed two days of work at a job I just started. Then, because of the fallout from the election I got to go on anxiety meds which exhaust me.
So my typical day is barely making it to work on time (my boss is so, so understanding, but there's also that fear that they're not really and one day they'll just fire me like my last two jobs this year), working, barely seeing the sun, traveling home in the dark, and finally getting home after 10+ hours away from home.
My house is messy. I put up my Christmas tree a week before Christmas. A couple weeks before, I hurriedly put up a few decorations and my nativity, just to try and feel the Christmas spirit... it hasn't really worked. The holidays felt rushed, my anxiety is through the roof and I've been getting into political arguments on Facebook and was accused by a friend that I was calling her racist... so I think I've lost some friendships over that.
Spending 5 days with my family was great and nice and fun and horrible and lonely and so stressful.
Yesterday, I cried. It was New Year's Eve and no one called to invite me over. I realize how often we forget the single people in the church. I don't mean widows or widowers or divorcees... I mean me. Those of us who have never been married. Who have to sit through church hearing about how to raise a family, or how to apply this lesson to our kids.
I was lonely and stressed and I just wanted someone to reach out to let me know I was remembered. It was a friend from the UK who messaged me a sweet Scottish poem about the New year and I cried. I cried because I miss Scotland. I miss my friends there. The members of the church who did not let me fall through the cracks. Ugh. Honestly, I'm so tired of walking through this desert.
But it's a new year and, as one of my favorite songs, says "Yesterday's a closing door, you don't live there anymore" it's onward and upward. I've accepted that, barring angelic manifestation and possibly a heavenly sign, I'm alone for 2017. Oh, I'm avoiding Single Adult activities like the plague! It's rather like I'm daring Heavenly Father for a miracle. :)
I want to move closer to work, which I will start working on once the dang book is finished.
I will to exercise daily, even if it's only 10 minutes on the thingy in the basement.
In other good news, I'm seeing a counselor for free this week. I do love my job.
I worry that I'm sabotaging myself, but I'm also asking for Heavenly Father's help. I feel hopeful for 2017. It will be hard to leave where I live now, but I also feel that pull to move on. I really, really miss the sun.
To end, new year, new beginnings. But every day can be a new beginning. Also, I'm finally answering some questions on Step 12!! YAY! It's a New Year's miracle!
It will be okay in the end. Trust in God.
Happy New Year!
Sunday, June 05, 2016
Thoughts and happenings (it's getting better)
In the past two weeks, I've forked out money for a cat that somehow got grass up his nose and then I severely injured my foot...
Money worries, cat worries, and a foot I can't use did not make the last couple weeks easier. The addition of some more rejection emails and a phone call did not help. Honestly, I felt very down.
I've been going to church, but, honestly, just because I know I should. I'm not paying attention or listening at lot. Which is not good, but I do not feel connected.
But that has changed.
I have a job! A real career like job that I think I will love doing. I am so excited about it. A great weight has been lifted! Plus, I had to turn down this other job that I really, really didn't want. That was a great feeling.
The Lord is truly blessing me.
I was thinking about it and realized that it was because I was working for it. And I learned this by working at recovery.
I thought of all the times, when I was an addict, that I knelt and prayed for forgiveness. I cried and I prayed and I did okay for a while, until I found myself in the same position again.
After starting recovery, I realized it was because I wasn't working toward change. Yes, I would sincerely repent, but I kept reading the same books (or, usually, skipping the bad parts for awhile), indulging in fantasy, watching certain scenes in films... and fueling my fantasy with music. I wasn't changing anything, but expecting different results.
Once I started working on recovery, sacrificing and replacing my addiction with healthier ways of coping, then I began to succeed in recovery! And I learned more. I realized that my fantasies were not innocent and gave those up. I gave up certain music (goodbye Maroon 5) and movies... and books!
And my addiction has gradually lost power over me. I am becoming a non-addict with risk factors!
So, when I lost my job.... I could have given in to my addiction (I've had several user dreams... ugh), which was a stronger voice than I anticipated, and just given up. Sat down and waited for the Lord to bless me. But, I found as I was turning myself to God, and working toward my goal of getting a job. I sent out so many applications... sooo many! I prayed, but I also worked on it. The results weren't instant, but they came.
Because God loves me. He loves you and He wants to help us succeed.
We just have to keep pressing forward and reaching for Him.
Money worries, cat worries, and a foot I can't use did not make the last couple weeks easier. The addition of some more rejection emails and a phone call did not help. Honestly, I felt very down.
I've been going to church, but, honestly, just because I know I should. I'm not paying attention or listening at lot. Which is not good, but I do not feel connected.
But that has changed.
I have a job! A real career like job that I think I will love doing. I am so excited about it. A great weight has been lifted! Plus, I had to turn down this other job that I really, really didn't want. That was a great feeling.
The Lord is truly blessing me.
I was thinking about it and realized that it was because I was working for it. And I learned this by working at recovery.
I thought of all the times, when I was an addict, that I knelt and prayed for forgiveness. I cried and I prayed and I did okay for a while, until I found myself in the same position again.
After starting recovery, I realized it was because I wasn't working toward change. Yes, I would sincerely repent, but I kept reading the same books (or, usually, skipping the bad parts for awhile), indulging in fantasy, watching certain scenes in films... and fueling my fantasy with music. I wasn't changing anything, but expecting different results.
Once I started working on recovery, sacrificing and replacing my addiction with healthier ways of coping, then I began to succeed in recovery! And I learned more. I realized that my fantasies were not innocent and gave those up. I gave up certain music (goodbye Maroon 5) and movies... and books!
And my addiction has gradually lost power over me. I am becoming a non-addict with risk factors!
So, when I lost my job.... I could have given in to my addiction (I've had several user dreams... ugh), which was a stronger voice than I anticipated, and just given up. Sat down and waited for the Lord to bless me. But, I found as I was turning myself to God, and working toward my goal of getting a job. I sent out so many applications... sooo many! I prayed, but I also worked on it. The results weren't instant, but they came.
Because God loves me. He loves you and He wants to help us succeed.
We just have to keep pressing forward and reaching for Him.
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Recovery, anniversaries and stupid decisions
I saw this last year on Facebook post and I love it. It's TRUE!
I laugh and I nod, because I do make bad decisions.
Today I am definitely feeling the result of my stupid decisions.
Going through this illness, I've realized, is a lot like recovery. I'll get to that in a bit.
My 5th Anniversary of starting recovery is next month. I don't pay attention to dates and I wasn't keeping a journal at the time. Still working on consistent writing....
But February was my dark month five years ago and it was toward the end of February I made an appointment with my bishop... and now here I am.
I'm in a PTW group that meets once a week at the local LDS Family Services. Oh, my word, I love that place. My counselor is great and after only one week, I think I'm excited to see where the PTW group takes me. I feel I need to be reminded of where I've been and what I've learned.
Anyway, this week, I ate some food I shouldn't have, but I kept eating it because it was just so good. But instead of giving myself a break in between eating these foods, I ate them 3 days in a row. Just one meal, but it was a bad decision and this weekend I'm paying for it. I've been sleepy and sick and so, so panicky (hasn't that been so fun). I had all these things I planned to do and I've done nothing because I have to take time to recover. My body is forcing me to recover.
Which is a lot like my addiction was. I still have to avoid certain books and shows and music (though, honestly I don't think I'm missing much) because I know that they will trigger temptations and a desire to return "one more time." Because I do miss my fantasy world.
A lot has happened since my last blog post. Some big things have gone down at work and stressed me out and led me to question what the heck I'm doing and what the Lord wants from me.
I've had a couple lovely blessings and I'm scheduled to get one tonight because I can't miss anymore work.
We keep on fighting, we keep pressing forward and we don't eat/consume what we shouldn't! :)
So as I curl up with my lovely almond milk and some dark chocolate, I hope you know I pray for you all.
Love, from me.
Sunday, October 04, 2015
Conference was great!
Good news: I'm on the road to recovery!
This week was better than last.
Thanks to the wonders of modern medicine. It's taste awful, but it's working.
It's still been hard with feeling horrible, anxiety levels way high and barely able to deal with life, not to mention anything else.
And I couldn't concentrate on General conference. I did well for the Saturday Sessions, but today I was not paying attention.
My goal, then, is to read and listen to them again, closely. Because there are some answers I'm seeking and praying for.
Especially the "What Lack I yet?" Oh, that one is already bringing the guilt!
Now I'm tired and one of my goals is to be in bed by a good time.
I will try to write more later.
This week was better than last.
Thanks to the wonders of modern medicine. It's taste awful, but it's working.
It's still been hard with feeling horrible, anxiety levels way high and barely able to deal with life, not to mention anything else.
And I couldn't concentrate on General conference. I did well for the Saturday Sessions, but today I was not paying attention.
My goal, then, is to read and listen to them again, closely. Because there are some answers I'm seeking and praying for.
Especially the "What Lack I yet?" Oh, that one is already bringing the guilt!
Now I'm tired and one of my goals is to be in bed by a good time.
I will try to write more later.
Sunday, September 27, 2015
There's gotta be a point to this.... please
Today.
Today is hard.
This whole week has been a trial.
Ha.
These past two months have been a trial.
I'm tired. I've been having panic attacks all day.
I've felt weak and ill.
Totally freaked out.
Last Sunday I started feeling sick after church and then it hit full force on Monday.
After I got some bad news on Monday about work and my pay.
I went home early and was up most of that night. I figured it was food poisoning.
Missed work Tuesday, started feeling better that night and then was up again.
So Wednesday I went to see my doctor.
It's not food poisoning.
I've missed a lot of work. I have no idea how to make ends meet.
Two Priesthood blessings have helped, but not healed like I hoped (as in instant, or at least overnight).
Two user dreams this week as well. Very real and very troubling.
BUT I finally got to take the sacrament today!
I have a kitty curled up on my leg.
Inside, I feel things will get better. That I will make it through this.
Casting Crowns came out with a new song and I love it.
It came on the radio the other day when I was feeling so lost and alone.
Stop holding on and just be held.
My addiction won't beat me. Neither will my depression.
I'll overcome the lies.
Just as soon as I feel up to it....
Sunday, July 12, 2015
A boat on the sea.
That's how I've been feeling the past couple weeks. Not a lost boat, but a boat bobbing up and down as it travels. High up on the waves and then down into the depths.
There have been good things. I got to see a dear recovery friend's wedding and see a very, very good film, InsideOut.
And then one of my relatives from my dad's side of the family showed up, which caused a lot of triggers and some panic attacks. That was "fun."
Added to that, my dad is trying to make contact again. He wants my phone number and I told my brother that I didn't want him to have it.
You know how in Step 8 the manual recalls the woman who is able to forgive her abusive father and be relived of her painful feelings?
I'm not there. I feel like I have forgiven him, but I also don't want him in my life. Because he pops in and out again when he feels like it and I don't want to go through that again. Because here I am going through this AGAIN.
Ugh.
Anyway, then there were hard days, but things started to look up. I went to spend the weekend with my family and, barring a mishap when I got wet when I didn't want to and I didn't react nicely, which caused some tension, but only briefly.
So last Monday I had a wonderful day. Work was good. I was getting on new meds that would help me, and I was feeling happy.
And then an unexpected expense hit and I floundered again.
The temptation to indulge in my addiction was back, because I knew it would help me feel better, with the addict part trying to forget that the feeling doesn't last!
I was mad at Heavenly Father too, because I don't feel like I've made any progress.
Just remember that depression lies. Addiction lies! Anxiety lies.
I was dealing with a lot of lies.
Added to this, was a post I put on Facebook that had people I thought friends attacking me.
I prayed. I found resources online to tell me that it is going to be okay. I watched videos of kitties and tigers. I played with my cats. I gave thanks for my cats. I accepted the moments of anxiety. I breathe. I tell myself it won't last and I keep walking.
I went to group last week, which was such a blessing. We read Step 2, Hope and I needed that message. Seriously, group is the BEST!
I take things easy. Although I still need to work on my sleep patterns.
And my brother gave me a blessing which really helped. It's gotten me through rough days this week.
I go outside at night and look at the stars and breathe and pause.
I am going to be okay. :)
I will keep fighting. I've learned that God can't help with all my battles (after all, He can't make phone calls, much though I wish He would ;) ), but He will help me during the fight.
Yes, I know Jesus loves me. Ups and downs are part of life. We have to keep sailing.
There have been good things. I got to see a dear recovery friend's wedding and see a very, very good film, InsideOut.
And then one of my relatives from my dad's side of the family showed up, which caused a lot of triggers and some panic attacks. That was "fun."
Added to that, my dad is trying to make contact again. He wants my phone number and I told my brother that I didn't want him to have it.
You know how in Step 8 the manual recalls the woman who is able to forgive her abusive father and be relived of her painful feelings?
I'm not there. I feel like I have forgiven him, but I also don't want him in my life. Because he pops in and out again when he feels like it and I don't want to go through that again. Because here I am going through this AGAIN.
Ugh.
Anyway, then there were hard days, but things started to look up. I went to spend the weekend with my family and, barring a mishap when I got wet when I didn't want to and I didn't react nicely, which caused some tension, but only briefly.
So last Monday I had a wonderful day. Work was good. I was getting on new meds that would help me, and I was feeling happy.
And then an unexpected expense hit and I floundered again.
The temptation to indulge in my addiction was back, because I knew it would help me feel better, with the addict part trying to forget that the feeling doesn't last!
I was mad at Heavenly Father too, because I don't feel like I've made any progress.
Just remember that depression lies. Addiction lies! Anxiety lies.
I was dealing with a lot of lies.
Added to this, was a post I put on Facebook that had people I thought friends attacking me.
I prayed. I found resources online to tell me that it is going to be okay. I watched videos of kitties and tigers. I played with my cats. I gave thanks for my cats. I accepted the moments of anxiety. I breathe. I tell myself it won't last and I keep walking.
I went to group last week, which was such a blessing. We read Step 2, Hope and I needed that message. Seriously, group is the BEST!
I take things easy. Although I still need to work on my sleep patterns.
And my brother gave me a blessing which really helped. It's gotten me through rough days this week.
I go outside at night and look at the stars and breathe and pause.
I am going to be okay. :)
I will keep fighting. I've learned that God can't help with all my battles (after all, He can't make phone calls, much though I wish He would ;) ), but He will help me during the fight.
Yes, I know Jesus loves me. Ups and downs are part of life. We have to keep sailing.
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Literally and figuratively
The night I left the UK, I received a blessing. In it I was promised a marriage (in this lifetime, so it could be when I'm 98) and then I was told that I would wander through the desert for a time.
Last Sunday, as I was driving back to Utah from a great Time Out For Women, I was thinking about all this.
I'd missed church that day. At my favorite ward! So my mom and I lay in bed and talked for a long time. About my depression. About what I should be doing.
I listened to a conference talk on the way home and then talked to Heavenly Father.
The TOFW was great. It really was nice. I took a lot of notes so I can go back and read them.
A lot about setting goals, achieving dreams, and becoming women of God. I think I liked all the presentations. And I cried.
Because life is hard right now.
I have a job that I'm fairly good at. But I don't love it.
I hardly hear from my family. My mom I talk to every day, but my brothers I hardly ever hear from, or it's a text to all of us. I don't think I've talked to them in weeks. I have friends at work, but I don't really have friends to go hang out with.
I am lonely and alone.
When I received that blessing, I didn't realize the Lord meant I would wander through the desert literally and figuratively.
Somewhere deep down, though, I must know it's going to be okay. I get out of bed every morning. I turn thoughts, emotions, triggers, and temptations over to my Heavenly Father. This program taught me how to do that.
Friday I had a bad experience at work and, shopping afterward, I kept getting hit with pornographic images in my head. I couldn't figure out why until I realized it was because I was mad!
So I turned the incident over to the Lord. I tried to analyze why I'd gotten mad and I figured out because I felt it was personal and I wasn't supported. But I didn't just try to fix my emotional state on my own, I asked the Lord for help.
Also, I need to quit reading stuff online. Sheesh. I caught myself reading a movie plot that contained a description of a sex scene and then I was mad at myself for the rest of the day because I was fighting off triggers. That's a goal for this week.
At PASG this week, I shared an analogy. Most of the attendees were new and when I say I've been in recovery for four years, the new ones usually look overwhelmed.
Four years ago I thought I would be done and fixed by now. And here I am not even finished with the program! ha ha ha.
Anyway, I recently had a physical. I was really, really nervous because I HATE needles. The last time I had blood drawn, I ended up throwing up and being taken out in a wheelchair. Yes, I'm aware that I could do the physical without the blood work, but I felt that I needed to do it. Dang it, I knew I could do it!
So I prayed. I asked people to pray for me. I did relaxation exercises. I told myself that I could do this. I've given blood once before (this was before the last traumatic needle experience) and that became my mantra. "I did it before. I can do it now."
And... I did it!
That's how recovery is. There's this big, scary fear that we know we can't overcome. So we pray, we turn to others, we read the scriptures, we work the program and then we rely on the Lord. We let our Savior help us.
My life isn't magically fixed. I still have sad days. I struggle to feel a part of my ward. Being in your 30s and single is hard! To be honest, last night I completely tuned out of Women's Conference when it was announced that the special videos would be about families. I didn't want to hear about families. I'm not close to my own family right now and my "future" family is some distant mirage. So I only half listened. I will repent and watch it again. :)
My life is... good. I love where I live. I love my landlords. My ward is really cool. I'm learning to be content with what I have.
I do love PASG. I love coming on here and reading the blogs. They help me.
I'm working on just scheduling out my days. I'm going to go to FHE tomorrow for the Mid-singles. I'm going to pray and read good books and be happy in the moment.
I probably should fit Step 11 in there somewhere. But that's a blog post for another day...
For General Conference, I'm going to pray to hear the messages for me. I did this my first conference after I started recovery and every single talk, every single song touched me as a message from my Heavenly Father. Try it. Ask that this Conference your heart and mind be open to the message your God and Father wants you to know.
Last Sunday, as I was driving back to Utah from a great Time Out For Women, I was thinking about all this.
I'd missed church that day. At my favorite ward! So my mom and I lay in bed and talked for a long time. About my depression. About what I should be doing.
I listened to a conference talk on the way home and then talked to Heavenly Father.
The TOFW was great. It really was nice. I took a lot of notes so I can go back and read them.
A lot about setting goals, achieving dreams, and becoming women of God. I think I liked all the presentations. And I cried.
Because life is hard right now.
I have a job that I'm fairly good at. But I don't love it.
I hardly hear from my family. My mom I talk to every day, but my brothers I hardly ever hear from, or it's a text to all of us. I don't think I've talked to them in weeks. I have friends at work, but I don't really have friends to go hang out with.
I am lonely and alone.
When I received that blessing, I didn't realize the Lord meant I would wander through the desert literally and figuratively.
Somewhere deep down, though, I must know it's going to be okay. I get out of bed every morning. I turn thoughts, emotions, triggers, and temptations over to my Heavenly Father. This program taught me how to do that.
Friday I had a bad experience at work and, shopping afterward, I kept getting hit with pornographic images in my head. I couldn't figure out why until I realized it was because I was mad!
So I turned the incident over to the Lord. I tried to analyze why I'd gotten mad and I figured out because I felt it was personal and I wasn't supported. But I didn't just try to fix my emotional state on my own, I asked the Lord for help.
Also, I need to quit reading stuff online. Sheesh. I caught myself reading a movie plot that contained a description of a sex scene and then I was mad at myself for the rest of the day because I was fighting off triggers. That's a goal for this week.
At PASG this week, I shared an analogy. Most of the attendees were new and when I say I've been in recovery for four years, the new ones usually look overwhelmed.
Four years ago I thought I would be done and fixed by now. And here I am not even finished with the program! ha ha ha.
Anyway, I recently had a physical. I was really, really nervous because I HATE needles. The last time I had blood drawn, I ended up throwing up and being taken out in a wheelchair. Yes, I'm aware that I could do the physical without the blood work, but I felt that I needed to do it. Dang it, I knew I could do it!
So I prayed. I asked people to pray for me. I did relaxation exercises. I told myself that I could do this. I've given blood once before (this was before the last traumatic needle experience) and that became my mantra. "I did it before. I can do it now."
And... I did it!
That's how recovery is. There's this big, scary fear that we know we can't overcome. So we pray, we turn to others, we read the scriptures, we work the program and then we rely on the Lord. We let our Savior help us.
My life isn't magically fixed. I still have sad days. I struggle to feel a part of my ward. Being in your 30s and single is hard! To be honest, last night I completely tuned out of Women's Conference when it was announced that the special videos would be about families. I didn't want to hear about families. I'm not close to my own family right now and my "future" family is some distant mirage. So I only half listened. I will repent and watch it again. :)
My life is... good. I love where I live. I love my landlords. My ward is really cool. I'm learning to be content with what I have.
I do love PASG. I love coming on here and reading the blogs. They help me.
I'm working on just scheduling out my days. I'm going to go to FHE tomorrow for the Mid-singles. I'm going to pray and read good books and be happy in the moment.
I probably should fit Step 11 in there somewhere. But that's a blog post for another day...
For General Conference, I'm going to pray to hear the messages for me. I did this my first conference after I started recovery and every single talk, every single song touched me as a message from my Heavenly Father. Try it. Ask that this Conference your heart and mind be open to the message your God and Father wants you to know.
Sunday, January 04, 2015
A new year...
First off: I have a job!
A real, permanent job!
YAY!
It was a Christmas present from my Heavenly Father.
Of course, this being me.... my body is now freaking out.
Somehow, I can make it through the stressful portion and then, when things calm down, my body and brain say "Ok, life is good. Crisis over...now lets freak out." I've been battling panic attacks and, surprisingly, a lot of triggering thoughts, memories... one of a "book" I was writing years ago.
I keep giving it up to Heavenly Father. I don't want anything to come between me and Him, especially memories that I have repented of. Nice how Satan likes to drag those up.
I don't want those. I want my Heavenly Father.
Not to say it's hard.
I've been battling fantasies. Especially of having a boyfriend. The holidays, for some reason, bring a feeling of loneliness for me. Really, I am fine being single. In many ways, I can't imagine having a boyfriend. I haven't had one since I was 16 and... what would I do with one?
I'm still struggling with my crush and so I try to think of what I want in a boyfriend, but that veers too close to fantasy territory. Gah!
Also, being the holidays, I haven't been eating the healthiest, which I know contributes.
So my resolutions are to work out more often, work Step 11 more often and watch my sugar, because I'm starting to suspect that sugar is addictive.
But I have a job! I'll have a desk! A place that is mine.
Things are settled. It feels really nice. Like huge weight has been lifted.
Finally, March of 2015 will mark my fourth year since starting recovery! Wow.
I am so grateful for the ARP program. It has blessed my life in so many ways.
I am reborn. I am made new. I am healed through my Savior and Redeemer because I took courage and went to see my Bishop all those years ago.
If you are struggling, please see your Bishop. It may not be a perfect experience. Pray for your Bishop. Heavenly Father wants you to come back to Him. And if you take that first step, as I did, you will find that He is "anxiously reaching for you," as Elder Holland says.
Bring on 2015! With God on my side, who can stand against me!
A real, permanent job!
YAY!
It was a Christmas present from my Heavenly Father.
Of course, this being me.... my body is now freaking out.
Somehow, I can make it through the stressful portion and then, when things calm down, my body and brain say "Ok, life is good. Crisis over...now lets freak out." I've been battling panic attacks and, surprisingly, a lot of triggering thoughts, memories... one of a "book" I was writing years ago.
I keep giving it up to Heavenly Father. I don't want anything to come between me and Him, especially memories that I have repented of. Nice how Satan likes to drag those up.
I don't want those. I want my Heavenly Father.
Not to say it's hard.
I've been battling fantasies. Especially of having a boyfriend. The holidays, for some reason, bring a feeling of loneliness for me. Really, I am fine being single. In many ways, I can't imagine having a boyfriend. I haven't had one since I was 16 and... what would I do with one?
I'm still struggling with my crush and so I try to think of what I want in a boyfriend, but that veers too close to fantasy territory. Gah!
Also, being the holidays, I haven't been eating the healthiest, which I know contributes.
So my resolutions are to work out more often, work Step 11 more often and watch my sugar, because I'm starting to suspect that sugar is addictive.
But I have a job! I'll have a desk! A place that is mine.
Things are settled. It feels really nice. Like huge weight has been lifted.
Finally, March of 2015 will mark my fourth year since starting recovery! Wow.
I am so grateful for the ARP program. It has blessed my life in so many ways.
I am reborn. I am made new. I am healed through my Savior and Redeemer because I took courage and went to see my Bishop all those years ago.
If you are struggling, please see your Bishop. It may not be a perfect experience. Pray for your Bishop. Heavenly Father wants you to come back to Him. And if you take that first step, as I did, you will find that He is "anxiously reaching for you," as Elder Holland says.
Bring on 2015! With God on my side, who can stand against me!
Sunday, December 14, 2014
When I'm afraid
A blog post with the details of the past month is coming... hopefully tomorrow.
Needless to say, it's been really hard.
Then, the other night at a particularly dark, scary moment, this song came on the radio. Twice. Really. It was in the middle of a bunch of songs on my local Christian radio. I had heard it, cried, then switched stations and it came on again not five minutes later!
Heavenly Father knew I needed that message right at that moment.
It's one of my favorite songs now.
And at times you can't feel the fire to guide you home.
The demons will haunt you and try to steal what you know.
But the angels, they brought you, and they're gonna hold you up.
They're gonna hold you up.
They see the fear in your eyes, heart sinks like a stone.
'Cause when you're afraid, it weighs on your soul.
Our Heavenly Father and Savior do know us. They know me. They will hold me up.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
One month. 30 days.
First off, this title is just because it's been exactly a month since I posted and I have no idea what else to title this blog.
I've been meaning to post every week, but something happens or I'm too tired, etc.
It's been a whirlwind month.
I've only been to group once and while it was a great experience, I feel the lack of a weekly boost. It's harder to control my thoughts and the inappropriate ones loom quicker and larger. They are harder to get rid of and turn over to Heavenly Father.
I could write on and on, but suffice it to say, the last 30 days have been hard and just... a lot. Addiction, personal, family, work, emotional, spiritual issues - all of that. Like I'm trying to find secure ground and, when I think I have, it turns to slate and I struggle to stay standing. I get nice breaks where I can escape and just enjoy myself, and then it's back to life again.
I don't want to make this sound like I'm doing horribly.
I laugh, I smile, I see the beauty in each day. I find the tender mercies. I pray, I study (still need to work on Step 11), and I try to keep a prayer in my heart.
But I feel tired some days. I feel overwhelmed. I feel alone.
Yesterday, it all hit me. A huge, unexpected bill, an anniversary of leaving a place I loved and that I miss every day and I found myself crying and then I kneeled on my bed and put my head on the shoulder of the painting of Christ I have hanging above my bed. It wasn't completely comforting, but it helped. I wish He could hug me for real.
Hopefully, the next couple weeks will bring some answers and stability.
Heavenly Father is still answering my prayers and I find that if I do my part, then He helps me finish the task.
I'd like to share one of my favorite musicians. And one of my favorite songs. It's a theme song of sorts.
Wounded head you will be fine
Your weary legs will hold you in time
D&C 6:36
Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not
I'm trying.
I've been meaning to post every week, but something happens or I'm too tired, etc.
It's been a whirlwind month.
I've only been to group once and while it was a great experience, I feel the lack of a weekly boost. It's harder to control my thoughts and the inappropriate ones loom quicker and larger. They are harder to get rid of and turn over to Heavenly Father.
I could write on and on, but suffice it to say, the last 30 days have been hard and just... a lot. Addiction, personal, family, work, emotional, spiritual issues - all of that. Like I'm trying to find secure ground and, when I think I have, it turns to slate and I struggle to stay standing. I get nice breaks where I can escape and just enjoy myself, and then it's back to life again.
I don't want to make this sound like I'm doing horribly.
I laugh, I smile, I see the beauty in each day. I find the tender mercies. I pray, I study (still need to work on Step 11), and I try to keep a prayer in my heart.
But I feel tired some days. I feel overwhelmed. I feel alone.
Yesterday, it all hit me. A huge, unexpected bill, an anniversary of leaving a place I loved and that I miss every day and I found myself crying and then I kneeled on my bed and put my head on the shoulder of the painting of Christ I have hanging above my bed. It wasn't completely comforting, but it helped. I wish He could hug me for real.
Hopefully, the next couple weeks will bring some answers and stability.
Heavenly Father is still answering my prayers and I find that if I do my part, then He helps me finish the task.
I'd like to share one of my favorite musicians. And one of my favorite songs. It's a theme song of sorts.
Your weary legs will hold you in time
D&C 6:36
Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not
I'm trying.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Straws and camels
My heart was heavily dented last week.
Long story short, my crush decided, after two weeks of putting me off, to confess that he was actually "kinda" dating someone else. And... ugh it's a long story. It ends with a battered heart.
At that moment when this landed on me, I think the last few months, so precariously balanced in my heart, body, and mind, broke and fell. I cried in the bathroom at work. I came home, vented to my roommate, and cried some more. I went for a walk. I was furious, I was mad, I was weak, I was frail, I was hurt, I was stunned, I was sad, I was heartbroken. I kneeled for prayers that night and sobbed and cried harder than I have in months. Why. Why. Why. Why did this have to happen. Why did it have to hurt so much.
I also printed off his picture and went to a construction site and burned it. I listened to "Forget You." That felt good.
Part of me didn't want to go to group, but I knew I needed to go.
As I was driving there, and thinking about him and overanalyzing, the thought came that he wouldn't want me, because I'm an addict.
But then I thought... No, I am not just an addict. I am awesome! I am more than my addiction.
Group was just what I needed that night. I love that program so much. I am so glad I went.
Then the panic attacks started the next morning. I knew it wasn't just him. It was the past few months and yesterday. I was a camel and I'd had my last straw.
I really wanted to just sit home and cry that day, but I didn't. I kept busy. I went out with friends. I went to the temple, which was good. One worker told me that the people I was doing the work for would find me and thank me one day. I felt needed.
I even got to sit in the celestial room and pray.
I went out for yogurt, even though I was ill and panicky. I breathed.
Sunday I went and met with my Bishop. I told him about my addiction. We talked. I got a blessing. Then I came home and slept and only attended part of church because I felt so panicky and ill. Not fun.
It's hard. Part of me is embarrassed for what happened. Misread signals? I don't know. My confidence took a huge hit. Ugh. It's such a struggle. Also, my little abused girl keeps coming up, the "please love me, if I do this, will you love me?" aspect of me. And my obsessive thinking keeps kicking in. So helpful. My emotions are still all over the place. Let's just say the boy left things kinda up in the air.
I'm working on turning all this over to my Heavenly Father. I move forward. I strive. I try not to yield.
I need a punching bag.
So I acknowledge my feelings. I acknowledge my failings. I listen to Conference talks. I read the scriptures. I am working on Step 11. I have these meditations on Healing and Banishing Depression (or thoughts), so I'm doing those as well. I still struggle. Part of me just wants to sit and play Candy Crush all day. And sometimes I do that and then I snap out of it and go do something else.
I will get through this. I will move forward. It won't be forever. I will go for walks or go swimming instead of eating the pound of fudge in my house. I will have a bit of the fudge.
I will go to work, I will do my best to work hard. I will turn my life over to the Lord. No, I'm not perfect at this.
I will be honest. I've fantasied a bit about having a boyfriend when I see this guy next. I've imagined conversations. I've been hurt and angry. Memories, triggers and temptations have been around a lot and it is soooooo tempting to give in. I know it would be a relief, yet I know that relief would only last for a second and then the guilt would overwhelm me and it's not worth that.
So, I don't know what is going to happen. I know I will make it. I have Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost on my side.
Long story short, my crush decided, after two weeks of putting me off, to confess that he was actually "kinda" dating someone else. And... ugh it's a long story. It ends with a battered heart.
At that moment when this landed on me, I think the last few months, so precariously balanced in my heart, body, and mind, broke and fell. I cried in the bathroom at work. I came home, vented to my roommate, and cried some more. I went for a walk. I was furious, I was mad, I was weak, I was frail, I was hurt, I was stunned, I was sad, I was heartbroken. I kneeled for prayers that night and sobbed and cried harder than I have in months. Why. Why. Why. Why did this have to happen. Why did it have to hurt so much.
I also printed off his picture and went to a construction site and burned it. I listened to "Forget You." That felt good.
Part of me didn't want to go to group, but I knew I needed to go.
As I was driving there, and thinking about him and overanalyzing, the thought came that he wouldn't want me, because I'm an addict.
But then I thought... No, I am not just an addict. I am awesome! I am more than my addiction.
Group was just what I needed that night. I love that program so much. I am so glad I went.
Then the panic attacks started the next morning. I knew it wasn't just him. It was the past few months and yesterday. I was a camel and I'd had my last straw.
I really wanted to just sit home and cry that day, but I didn't. I kept busy. I went out with friends. I went to the temple, which was good. One worker told me that the people I was doing the work for would find me and thank me one day. I felt needed.
I even got to sit in the celestial room and pray.
I went out for yogurt, even though I was ill and panicky. I breathed.
Sunday I went and met with my Bishop. I told him about my addiction. We talked. I got a blessing. Then I came home and slept and only attended part of church because I felt so panicky and ill. Not fun.
It's hard. Part of me is embarrassed for what happened. Misread signals? I don't know. My confidence took a huge hit. Ugh. It's such a struggle. Also, my little abused girl keeps coming up, the "please love me, if I do this, will you love me?" aspect of me. And my obsessive thinking keeps kicking in. So helpful. My emotions are still all over the place. Let's just say the boy left things kinda up in the air.
I'm working on turning all this over to my Heavenly Father. I move forward. I strive. I try not to yield.
I need a punching bag.
So I acknowledge my feelings. I acknowledge my failings. I listen to Conference talks. I read the scriptures. I am working on Step 11. I have these meditations on Healing and Banishing Depression (or thoughts), so I'm doing those as well. I still struggle. Part of me just wants to sit and play Candy Crush all day. And sometimes I do that and then I snap out of it and go do something else.
I will get through this. I will move forward. It won't be forever. I will go for walks or go swimming instead of eating the pound of fudge in my house. I will have a bit of the fudge.
I will go to work, I will do my best to work hard. I will turn my life over to the Lord. No, I'm not perfect at this.
I will be honest. I've fantasied a bit about having a boyfriend when I see this guy next. I've imagined conversations. I've been hurt and angry. Memories, triggers and temptations have been around a lot and it is soooooo tempting to give in. I know it would be a relief, yet I know that relief would only last for a second and then the guilt would overwhelm me and it's not worth that.
So, I don't know what is going to happen. I know I will make it. I have Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost on my side.
Tuesday, July 01, 2014
Wrong Roads?
So I haven't been going to PASG regularly.
My first group, the one closest to me, was... odd. I even emailed the ARP Mission leader about some of my concerns and received a polite, but firm answer that things would not change. That kinda hurt.
So I tried another group, farther away and didn't feel a connection.
I really, really miss my old PASG group. I've gone to PASG twice in the month I've been here. I haven't been working on Step 11, but I've been reading my scriptures, praying, going to church, listening to conference, etc. I know I need to get back in the habit of going to meetings again, though.
The ward is nice, but I don't feel like I belong yet. I keep telling myself it has only been a couple of weeks. I have to give myself time.
Then, I got news this last week that my life is about to change again, in a big way again and so my thoughts and emotions have been in turmoil this whole weekend.
Switching from a "What the heck, Lord?" to worry about the future and what is going to happen. And sometimes all those emotions at once. Mingled with the occasional feeling of peace that all will be well. Would like more of those moments. ha ha.
I know that part of the down feeling today is due to the upheaval that I'm going through again. The possibility of having to move again in less than a month when I just moved.
I feel like I was walking, exploring this new opportunity and saw a sign that said "Cliff straight ahead," in a place where I wasn't expecting a sign and now I'm scrambling to find an alternate path before I get to the drop off. Today was a rough day emotionally. Gah emotions! I think I need a good cry.
But ahead I must move. I'm looking for ways to serve people and get outside myself.
Also, I'm working on scheduling my days and getting good sleep. Still working on that, but I hope if I keep doing all that I can, that the Lord will step in and help me.
I may have posted this video before... too bad. Listen to it again.
Every day, I get back up again. My Heavenly Father is calling.
My first group, the one closest to me, was... odd. I even emailed the ARP Mission leader about some of my concerns and received a polite, but firm answer that things would not change. That kinda hurt.
So I tried another group, farther away and didn't feel a connection.
I really, really miss my old PASG group. I've gone to PASG twice in the month I've been here. I haven't been working on Step 11, but I've been reading my scriptures, praying, going to church, listening to conference, etc. I know I need to get back in the habit of going to meetings again, though.
The ward is nice, but I don't feel like I belong yet. I keep telling myself it has only been a couple of weeks. I have to give myself time.
Then, I got news this last week that my life is about to change again, in a big way again and so my thoughts and emotions have been in turmoil this whole weekend.
Switching from a "What the heck, Lord?" to worry about the future and what is going to happen. And sometimes all those emotions at once. Mingled with the occasional feeling of peace that all will be well. Would like more of those moments. ha ha.
I know that part of the down feeling today is due to the upheaval that I'm going through again. The possibility of having to move again in less than a month when I just moved.
I feel like I was walking, exploring this new opportunity and saw a sign that said "Cliff straight ahead," in a place where I wasn't expecting a sign and now I'm scrambling to find an alternate path before I get to the drop off. Today was a rough day emotionally. Gah emotions! I think I need a good cry.
But ahead I must move. I'm looking for ways to serve people and get outside myself.
Also, I'm working on scheduling my days and getting good sleep. Still working on that, but I hope if I keep doing all that I can, that the Lord will step in and help me.
Every day, I get back up again. My Heavenly Father is calling.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Unexpected road ahead.
In my last blog post, you might remember that I mentioned a potentially life-changing thing?
Well, it happened.
I'm moving out of state and I have less than two weeks to do it!
Augh!
I'm trying to trust in Heavenly Father.
I have a lot of doubts about me and this future that unexpectedly appeared, but I also told Him that His will be done. And I have to keep my word. Darn it. ;)
Honestly, part of me is sad, because this wasn't what I hoped for, deep, deep down inside. Still, it's a good change. A scary, huge change, but a good one.
I'm not sure how much I'll be able to blog as I try to quickly pack and move and find a place to live. I feel like I'm being suddenly thrust back into a grownup world. I mean, I've lived here before, but living at home is definitely different! Lots of fears are trying to crowd in, but I got a blessing and I try to recognize when the thoughts aren't from Heavenly Father. Either way, I'm pressing forward
See you on the other side?
Wish me luck.
I think He did.
Well, it happened.
I'm moving out of state and I have less than two weeks to do it!
Augh!
I'm trying to trust in Heavenly Father.
I have a lot of doubts about me and this future that unexpectedly appeared, but I also told Him that His will be done. And I have to keep my word. Darn it. ;)
Honestly, part of me is sad, because this wasn't what I hoped for, deep, deep down inside. Still, it's a good change. A scary, huge change, but a good one.
I'm not sure how much I'll be able to blog as I try to quickly pack and move and find a place to live. I feel like I'm being suddenly thrust back into a grownup world. I mean, I've lived here before, but living at home is definitely different! Lots of fears are trying to crowd in, but I got a blessing and I try to recognize when the thoughts aren't from Heavenly Father. Either way, I'm pressing forward
See you on the other side?
Wish me luck.
Tuesday, April 01, 2014
Emotions, addictions and being the other prodigal
Lesson #1: Missing ARP group makes life harder.
I've missed PASG for two weeks in a row. The first because of a Relief Society activity and the second because I had family in town and I wanted to spend time with them. Both good reasons, but wow, have I felt the loss. The last two days, triggers have been more present and persistent. I've had passages from my written porn days (romance novels) come strongly into remembrance, and take some work and prayer to get them to leave.
Plus, I've been really, really grumpy, grouchy and more addict-like.
Lesson #2: Emotions can be like fishhooks.
It's a line from a film I saw years ago Marvin's Room. In one scene, the mom tells her son that her feelings toward him as like a bowl of fishhooks, so tangled together and confusing that it was easier to not pick them up.
That is how this weekend felt. I couldn't pinpoint one emotion or reason I was feeling what I was feeling.
I yelled at my nephews. I lost my temper. I was grumpy.
I hate it. Because in those moments I feel like my father and I don't want to be like him in any way. So I apologized (at least I can do that now. I'm working at making it sooner rather than later and doing it in person).
And I tried better, but I was feeling angry and upset and sad and hurt and…
EMOTIONAL!
I still need to write it out. Maybe then I can pinpoint why. It wasn't just one reason or scene. It felt like several of them at once.
I struggle to know if I'm being emotionally triggered addict-wise or if this is a genuine emotional issue. I have felt unappreciated and unloved. I've felt lost and alone.
It may be foolish to feel that way, but it is how I've felt. I'm the only single one in my family and sometimes I feel that they treat me like a 19 year old because I'm not married, I don't have kids. Like somehow getting married increases your knowledge and maturity. Even though I'm the oldest sibling!
I struggled to turn this over to Heavenly Father. To let Him replace those feelings with peace, as we are asked to in Step 10. It didn't always work, but I tried. I had no idea that being with my family would have such emotional triggers for me.
So Saturday was really tough emotionally. The Womens meeting helped and then didn't. Because sometimes all I can see if that I don't sew clothes for the poor children in the ward. I don't do family history. Ah, guilt. Hello. Still, the Spirit whispered that I was doing what I could. I fulfill my callings. I strive to be an example and I do serve as a facilitator and support person. All women are not the same. We have different talents and abilities and that's okay.
But that followed with my mom getting upset at something I said and… completely ignoring me for the rest of the evening. I have no idea if this is what happened, but it's the only guess I can make.
Then came Sunday…
I asked for a blessing from my brother. I have been wanting a blessing for a long time. Wondering if I was on the right path and what was going to happen with my life.
I felt worse when the blessing ended than when it began. It started with the cursory "God is aware of you" (how comforting) and when I was hoping for comfort, hope and peace, I got a list of what I was doing wrong. I was told to stop looking toward the past. To be open to opportunities. So I felt like I was being told to do what I thought I was already striving to do. To look forward. Yes, I miss the UK! It's not going away and while I would love to live there again, I've told the Lord that I will go where He wants me. I apply for a job wherever I can find one that sounds like a good opportunity. Basically… I felt like my brother was counseling me through a blessing but without actually talking to me and seeing the reality beforehand.
This has happened the last couple times I've gotten blessings from family. Are they counseling me themselves through the blessing, like I feel they are? Or… I fear that these blessings mean I'm disappointing God somehow.
Then my mother got a beautiful blessing, full of love and care and sweet promises.
I was jealous. I totally had a Prodigal son's brother moment. Because I didn't feel like a beloved daughter of God, I felt like a failure.
I tried listening to Elder Holland's talk The Other Prodigal, which sooo did not help. I felt worse, because I understand the brother. What is wrong with wanting to be appreciated once in a while????!!!!
There's no answer to this question in this blog.
Anyway, due to the moping, I was late to church, which led to me messing up majorly and repeatedly in my calling. At one point, all I wanted was for the floor to open up so I could disappear. All day I was feeling like "what is the point," where I wondered why I was even trying. I was not making a difference. So by the time I headed out to meet the ARP missionaries to do a presentation on the ARP program in a local ward, I was near tears.
How was I supposed to bear my testimony of the power of the Addiction Recovery Program when I felt like I hadn't made any progress at all? Which I know isn't true, but I was so emotional and depressed at the time, all I could think was that I was failing at all of this. Recovery. Life. Church. EVERYTHING.
But I still prayed for the words when I spoke, because the presentation wasn't about me, it was about reaching out to people who need ARP. People like me. I felt the Spirit and I bore my testimony.
It's still been rough emotionally the last couple days and I am tired of it all.
Work. Life. AUGH!
That's why I love this song. I still don't get it all, but I must press on.
With my Savior by my side.
I've missed PASG for two weeks in a row. The first because of a Relief Society activity and the second because I had family in town and I wanted to spend time with them. Both good reasons, but wow, have I felt the loss. The last two days, triggers have been more present and persistent. I've had passages from my written porn days (romance novels) come strongly into remembrance, and take some work and prayer to get them to leave.
Plus, I've been really, really grumpy, grouchy and more addict-like.
Lesson #2: Emotions can be like fishhooks.
It's a line from a film I saw years ago Marvin's Room. In one scene, the mom tells her son that her feelings toward him as like a bowl of fishhooks, so tangled together and confusing that it was easier to not pick them up.
That is how this weekend felt. I couldn't pinpoint one emotion or reason I was feeling what I was feeling.
I yelled at my nephews. I lost my temper. I was grumpy.
I hate it. Because in those moments I feel like my father and I don't want to be like him in any way. So I apologized (at least I can do that now. I'm working at making it sooner rather than later and doing it in person).
And I tried better, but I was feeling angry and upset and sad and hurt and…
EMOTIONAL!
I still need to write it out. Maybe then I can pinpoint why. It wasn't just one reason or scene. It felt like several of them at once.
I struggle to know if I'm being emotionally triggered addict-wise or if this is a genuine emotional issue. I have felt unappreciated and unloved. I've felt lost and alone.
It may be foolish to feel that way, but it is how I've felt. I'm the only single one in my family and sometimes I feel that they treat me like a 19 year old because I'm not married, I don't have kids. Like somehow getting married increases your knowledge and maturity. Even though I'm the oldest sibling!
I struggled to turn this over to Heavenly Father. To let Him replace those feelings with peace, as we are asked to in Step 10. It didn't always work, but I tried. I had no idea that being with my family would have such emotional triggers for me.
So Saturday was really tough emotionally. The Womens meeting helped and then didn't. Because sometimes all I can see if that I don't sew clothes for the poor children in the ward. I don't do family history. Ah, guilt. Hello. Still, the Spirit whispered that I was doing what I could. I fulfill my callings. I strive to be an example and I do serve as a facilitator and support person. All women are not the same. We have different talents and abilities and that's okay.
But that followed with my mom getting upset at something I said and… completely ignoring me for the rest of the evening. I have no idea if this is what happened, but it's the only guess I can make.
Then came Sunday…
I asked for a blessing from my brother. I have been wanting a blessing for a long time. Wondering if I was on the right path and what was going to happen with my life.
I felt worse when the blessing ended than when it began. It started with the cursory "God is aware of you" (how comforting) and when I was hoping for comfort, hope and peace, I got a list of what I was doing wrong. I was told to stop looking toward the past. To be open to opportunities. So I felt like I was being told to do what I thought I was already striving to do. To look forward. Yes, I miss the UK! It's not going away and while I would love to live there again, I've told the Lord that I will go where He wants me. I apply for a job wherever I can find one that sounds like a good opportunity. Basically… I felt like my brother was counseling me through a blessing but without actually talking to me and seeing the reality beforehand.
This has happened the last couple times I've gotten blessings from family. Are they counseling me themselves through the blessing, like I feel they are? Or… I fear that these blessings mean I'm disappointing God somehow.
Then my mother got a beautiful blessing, full of love and care and sweet promises.
I was jealous. I totally had a Prodigal son's brother moment. Because I didn't feel like a beloved daughter of God, I felt like a failure.
I tried listening to Elder Holland's talk The Other Prodigal, which sooo did not help. I felt worse, because I understand the brother. What is wrong with wanting to be appreciated once in a while????!!!!
There's no answer to this question in this blog.
Anyway, due to the moping, I was late to church, which led to me messing up majorly and repeatedly in my calling. At one point, all I wanted was for the floor to open up so I could disappear. All day I was feeling like "what is the point," where I wondered why I was even trying. I was not making a difference. So by the time I headed out to meet the ARP missionaries to do a presentation on the ARP program in a local ward, I was near tears.
How was I supposed to bear my testimony of the power of the Addiction Recovery Program when I felt like I hadn't made any progress at all? Which I know isn't true, but I was so emotional and depressed at the time, all I could think was that I was failing at all of this. Recovery. Life. Church. EVERYTHING.
But I still prayed for the words when I spoke, because the presentation wasn't about me, it was about reaching out to people who need ARP. People like me. I felt the Spirit and I bore my testimony.
It's still been rough emotionally the last couple days and I am tired of it all.
Work. Life. AUGH!
That's why I love this song. I still don't get it all, but I must press on.
With my Savior by my side.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Christmas is meant for me
I meant to write a blog before Christmas, but time got away from me.
It usually does.
The week before Christmas was hard. I almost slipped, reading an article that triggered me and that made me mad, because it's an article about a good cause, but it triggered me and that triggered guilt that such a filthy subject could trigger me. The cycle continues.
I also woke up one Saturday morning, enjoying a nice relaxing lie-in when
BAM
Memories of fantasies, specific fantasies, started rising to the surface of my mind.
I hadn't thought of them in a long, long time.
And with these memories, came the longing, the feelings, the addiction.
Oh, it was so tempting.
And disgusting. Which was good. I prayed, I gave those memories and feelings to Heavenly Father.
I asked for forgiveness.
Then I got up and did something.
Then came Christmas. I had made an subconscious vow not to act like I had last year (a veritable Scrooge) and I think I actually met that goal.
Christmas was a little stressful. For some reason, my body decided it didn't like change and so I felt a little panicky during the trip to my family's and there as well.
Then there is the whole stress of my family. I'm not sure I even want to go into that. Christmas Eve wasn't peaceful or happy, let me just leave it at that. It is hard not to be negative around some members of my family. Negativity is rampant in todays' world. Even among members of the LDS Church.
We look at what we have and only see what we don't have or what didn't go the way we wanted.
So I am choosing to focus on the positive. To live in the moment. When I felt panicky or sad, I focused on the moment. Making memories with my family. I spent lots of time with my brother's kids and I had a lot of fun.
I did have some weird dreams, though. Romantic dreams. Not in the user dream sense, but in the desire to be loved sense. These dreams brought back some issues for me. Like what the heck was going on!
Fantasy was such a huge part of any relationship I attempted to have, that I just don't deal with it.
These dreams brought back a lot of those longings to be loved, to have a boyfriend, etc. And I don't want to feel that way again. I'm probably not explaining this well. I guess when it comes to the idea of having a boyfriend (which I honestly can't imagine), my attitude is "I'll deal with it when it happens." No fantasies. No what-ifs. Reality, please.
So I'm back to reality. Back to work. Trying to make sense of life.
That's for another blog post.
Still haven't worked on Step 10. Not sure I'm done with it.
I mean, I definitely still struggling with previewing my day and reviewing it and especially the time-outs.
I wanted to be finished by the New Year. Probably not going to happen. I'm going to reread Step 10 tonight and see how I feel about it all.
I'm tired tonight and my family generously shared their bug, so I'm not feeling great. I'm hoping this blog doesn't seem depressing. It is not meant to be.
I actually got to say my prayers this morning!
Then I read Elder Bruce Porter's talk in December's Ensign.
He quotes Isaiah 61:1 and then he says, "When we read of Christ’s mission to proclaim liberty to the captives and open the prison to those who are bound, we probably think first of His ministry in the spirit world among the dead. But we are all captive—captive to the corruption and weakness of mortal bodies and subject to the temptations of the flesh, to infirmity, and, ultimately, to death—and we all have need to be set free.
Whatever binds us—sins, circumstances, or past events—the Lord Jesus Christ, the great Immanuel, came to set us free. He proclaims liberty to the captives and freedom from the bonds of death and the prison of sin, ignorance, pride, and error. It was prophesied that He would say to the prisoners, “Go forth” (Isaiah 49:9). The only condition of our freedom is that we come unto Him with broken hearts and contrite spirits, repent, and seek to do His will."
Whatever binds us—sins, circumstances, or past events—the Lord Jesus Christ, the great Immanuel, came to set us free. He proclaims liberty to the captives and freedom from the bonds of death and the prison of sin, ignorance, pride, and error. It was prophesied that He would say to the prisoners, “Go forth” (Isaiah 49:9). The only condition of our freedom is that we come unto Him with broken hearts and contrite spirits, repent, and seek to do His will."
I give thanks to my Savior, who was born and died that I could be set free.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Tuesdays... grrrr
Yesterday was.... gah and augh and rushed and ugh.
It was good too.
But mostly it was augh.
I had to drive my client a half hour away to get my paycheck (long story)...while trying to take care of a bunch of things.
Shopping. Training. Finding out there is tons of change coming.
I don't do well with change.
Stress.
Triggers.
Getting off work late, depositing my paycheck, and rushing to babysit, realizing I had groceries in the back of the car...
Not eating lunch until 4pm.
Dealing with whiny three year olds.
One who lost my cellphone...
Wandering the backyard looking for my cellphone.
Praying to find said cellphone and feeling like those prayers weren't answered.
Cooking dinner.
Missing the weekly meeting with the ARP missionaries...
Not being able to call DI... again!
Worrying about my cat that has been gone for 3 days.
I just kept telling the Lord, I am frustrated.
I am tired.
But I found the cellphone (apology prayer to Heavenly Father for all the muttering I was doing earlier).
And I spent a couple hours with my family.
Then I got upset because Walmart didn't have the brand of mouthwash I used to have
in the UK...
So I came home and went for a run.
I am not in shape, so I walked for most of it, but it was so much better than curling up in front of the TV and trying (and probably failing) to find something to watch.
I felt better. Curled up with my other cat.
Read the scriptures in the Study & Understanding section of Step 2.
Talked to Heavenly Father for a while.
I don't feel today was entirely successful as a Step 10, but I did most of what was on my to-do list.
Plus, spending time with my family and talking with a friend.
It wasn't all bad!
It just felt like it. ;)
I'm struggling. Not necessarily with my addiction... but with my character weaknesses.
With a trial I was really hoping would be over by now.
With the panicky feelings that come along with change or the idea of change.
(So I have panic attacks with change in my life... so much fun!)
I worry, I stress, I try to let go and let God and I do, but then Tuesdays happen and I try not to let
days like this overwhelm me.
Try to be grateful for lots of things every day.
Hugs always help too.
And cats.
It was good too.
But mostly it was augh.
I had to drive my client a half hour away to get my paycheck (long story)...while trying to take care of a bunch of things.
Shopping. Training. Finding out there is tons of change coming.
I don't do well with change.
Stress.
Triggers.
Getting off work late, depositing my paycheck, and rushing to babysit, realizing I had groceries in the back of the car...
Not eating lunch until 4pm.
Dealing with whiny three year olds.
One who lost my cellphone...
Wandering the backyard looking for my cellphone.
Praying to find said cellphone and feeling like those prayers weren't answered.
Cooking dinner.
Missing the weekly meeting with the ARP missionaries...
Not being able to call DI... again!
Worrying about my cat that has been gone for 3 days.
I just kept telling the Lord, I am frustrated.
I am tired.
But I found the cellphone (apology prayer to Heavenly Father for all the muttering I was doing earlier).
And I spent a couple hours with my family.
Then I got upset because Walmart didn't have the brand of mouthwash I used to have
in the UK...
So I came home and went for a run.
I am not in shape, so I walked for most of it, but it was so much better than curling up in front of the TV and trying (and probably failing) to find something to watch.
I felt better. Curled up with my other cat.
Read the scriptures in the Study & Understanding section of Step 2.
Talked to Heavenly Father for a while.
I don't feel today was entirely successful as a Step 10, but I did most of what was on my to-do list.
Plus, spending time with my family and talking with a friend.
It wasn't all bad!
It just felt like it. ;)
I'm struggling. Not necessarily with my addiction... but with my character weaknesses.
With a trial I was really hoping would be over by now.
With the panicky feelings that come along with change or the idea of change.
(So I have panic attacks with change in my life... so much fun!)
I worry, I stress, I try to let go and let God and I do, but then Tuesdays happen and I try not to let
days like this overwhelm me.
Try to be grateful for lots of things every day.
Hugs always help too.
And cats.
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