2017 has been... good... and bad... so mostly normal.
I struggle to realize that it's not all bad and try and find the good. We need both.
I've learned that. I can't be happy all day every day. I realized that while watching Inside Out last month. Joy annoys me and I realized she won't allow the other feelings to be felt.
As you know, I struggle with anxiety and depression and they've been switching places. I'd go through the week feeling anxious and fighting off panic attacks, only to sink into depression on the weekends.
Since the New Year: I've had to get my car repaired several times, even got a new engine, because I was stupid and drove it while it was overheating... so I was isolated and having to ask for help to get to work and I am not good at asking for help.
I've been sick and ill, and having anxiety about that... and the car kept having issues.
This last week I've struggled with sleep, with making myself get out of bed in the morning to go to work, even though I love my job... I've felt helpless and hopeless, dealing with user dreams and triggers in ways I haven't in a while.
At work, we had a training on a book on triggers (not only addiction, but good and bad triggers), which was something I hadn't thought of before. There can be good triggers. And trigger festivals. That's my new favorite description of spending time with my family. I'm off the the trigger festival.
It didn't help that I missed group twice in a row due to all this craziness.
I learned I needed to be gentle with myself. This week, things started to look up. I'm off my anxiety meds, on new depression meds. I'm going to find a new counselor. I found a new doctor who is awesome... I also decided I'm going to move. Being so far away from work is not good, it's frustrating and time consuming. Especially as a single woman. I actually hired a cleaning lady for the month because I was sick for the second time in a month, stressed, anxious, depressed, and feeling overwhelmed. I do not regret it.
The housing situation is also stressful. Oh, the stories I could tell.
I may attend the Single Adult ward once I move... but the jury is still out on that decision.
I realize that I'm learning to deal with my depression and anxiety in ways I haven't had to before now. The last time I had anxiety this bad, I hadn't started recovery. So I would use my addiction to cope. Which explains the user dreams, because my body still thinks that's the solution. Which it isn't.
Today, I feel good. I feel better than I have in a while.
Recovering from addiction is about rewiring the brain. So is recovery from anxiety and depression. It's teaching my brain what is truth and what is lies. No, I do not have blood poisoning because my leg is red where I just scratched it. No, I did not just relapse and give up on recovery.
None of this has been easy. But I feel similar to the way I did six years ago... recovery is possible. I'm not defined by addiction. Or depression. Or anxiety.
And there is hope in that. Recovery.
Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
Sunday, June 11, 2017
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Up, down and all around
Hi! I haven't posted in the last few weeks because, well... life.
I lost my job after only two months and struggled with being out of work again. There wasn't the cushion of money and, honestly, losing two jobs in five months is not great on the self-esteem.
So I went back to job hunting. It was hard and I struggled with anxiety and depression and triggers.
I was definitely having many Children of Israel "moments" where I worried that nothing good was coming.
But it has come! I have a job! A career that I am sure I will love. Interestingly enough, it came the week I've struggled very hard with my triggers.
It started with a British show that I had chosen not to watch when it aired last year, for various reasons, but was curious enough to rent it from my library before the new series aired... and it turns out I should have listened to that original prompting.
It wasn't a explicit show, in fact, it was actually tame, but I ended up watching six hours straight, staying up until 5am, which is not good to do the week before you start a new job, but what was unexpected was the longing that the main male character brought out in me. There were a lot of intense emotions.
The main character is played by a very beautiful man and the character in the story is a good guy too... stands up for the weak, etc. And suddenly I was dealing with feelings of passion and longing and desire that I had not felt in, well, over two years. My heart was broken and I realize now, that I shut down my heart and those natural desires. I am social, but I've avoided the local Single Adult group like it was infested with the plague. If God wanted me to meet someone, it was going to involve a high amount of Divine intervention.
Now here I was, early in the morning after spending six hours intensely involved in a tv show, feeling all these emotions and desires that were triggering and I was being triggered. I found myself looking up the actor, which used to be a prelude to indulging in my fantasy addiction. I stopped. Also, I've been triggering all week. As I was driving to Group this week, I realized that what I was feeling wasn't bad or wrong! These are natural feelings and emotions. It was how I needed to deal with them. Limerence, love, passion, desire... are normal! I had taken them and distorted them. Then, the big reveal happened... this was happening because Heavenly Father wants me to learn how to "bridle my passions" for a future relationship. (Not that I have any idea how far away this future is... it could be years)... so that revelation led to my realization that I had tampered all romantic emotions. Honestly, my first reaction was ugh. I do not feel at all ready or even willing for this. It brings up a lot of deep-seated fears about intimacy and marriage that I've struggled with for years. But I will soldier through. A friend in group sent me a couple great articles on this topic. I might share these later.
One of the hardest parts from this week was reading articles posted by a Mormon on sex and porn addictions being myths. That is a whole other blog post, which I hope to write soon. Still, with that temptation there... and the idea that it isn't a "real"addiction... that created a whole new issue and trigger.
BUT I resisted! Prayer helped a lot. I reached out to my Heavenly Father constantly. I look forward to learning more about myself and how to control my emotions and passions. Because what I feel isn't a sin! All this will be okay. I have my PASG group. I have my defenses and actions. I have my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost cheering me on.
I lost my job after only two months and struggled with being out of work again. There wasn't the cushion of money and, honestly, losing two jobs in five months is not great on the self-esteem.
So I went back to job hunting. It was hard and I struggled with anxiety and depression and triggers.
I was definitely having many Children of Israel "moments" where I worried that nothing good was coming.
But it has come! I have a job! A career that I am sure I will love. Interestingly enough, it came the week I've struggled very hard with my triggers.
It started with a British show that I had chosen not to watch when it aired last year, for various reasons, but was curious enough to rent it from my library before the new series aired... and it turns out I should have listened to that original prompting.
It wasn't a explicit show, in fact, it was actually tame, but I ended up watching six hours straight, staying up until 5am, which is not good to do the week before you start a new job, but what was unexpected was the longing that the main male character brought out in me. There were a lot of intense emotions.
The main character is played by a very beautiful man and the character in the story is a good guy too... stands up for the weak, etc. And suddenly I was dealing with feelings of passion and longing and desire that I had not felt in, well, over two years. My heart was broken and I realize now, that I shut down my heart and those natural desires. I am social, but I've avoided the local Single Adult group like it was infested with the plague. If God wanted me to meet someone, it was going to involve a high amount of Divine intervention.
Now here I was, early in the morning after spending six hours intensely involved in a tv show, feeling all these emotions and desires that were triggering and I was being triggered. I found myself looking up the actor, which used to be a prelude to indulging in my fantasy addiction. I stopped. Also, I've been triggering all week. As I was driving to Group this week, I realized that what I was feeling wasn't bad or wrong! These are natural feelings and emotions. It was how I needed to deal with them. Limerence, love, passion, desire... are normal! I had taken them and distorted them. Then, the big reveal happened... this was happening because Heavenly Father wants me to learn how to "bridle my passions" for a future relationship. (Not that I have any idea how far away this future is... it could be years)... so that revelation led to my realization that I had tampered all romantic emotions. Honestly, my first reaction was ugh. I do not feel at all ready or even willing for this. It brings up a lot of deep-seated fears about intimacy and marriage that I've struggled with for years. But I will soldier through. A friend in group sent me a couple great articles on this topic. I might share these later.
One of the hardest parts from this week was reading articles posted by a Mormon on sex and porn addictions being myths. That is a whole other blog post, which I hope to write soon. Still, with that temptation there... and the idea that it isn't a "real"addiction... that created a whole new issue and trigger.
BUT I resisted! Prayer helped a lot. I reached out to my Heavenly Father constantly. I look forward to learning more about myself and how to control my emotions and passions. Because what I feel isn't a sin! All this will be okay. I have my PASG group. I have my defenses and actions. I have my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost cheering me on.
Sunday, June 05, 2016
Thoughts and happenings (it's getting better)
In the past two weeks, I've forked out money for a cat that somehow got grass up his nose and then I severely injured my foot...
Money worries, cat worries, and a foot I can't use did not make the last couple weeks easier. The addition of some more rejection emails and a phone call did not help. Honestly, I felt very down.
I've been going to church, but, honestly, just because I know I should. I'm not paying attention or listening at lot. Which is not good, but I do not feel connected.
But that has changed.
I have a job! A real career like job that I think I will love doing. I am so excited about it. A great weight has been lifted! Plus, I had to turn down this other job that I really, really didn't want. That was a great feeling.
The Lord is truly blessing me.
I was thinking about it and realized that it was because I was working for it. And I learned this by working at recovery.
I thought of all the times, when I was an addict, that I knelt and prayed for forgiveness. I cried and I prayed and I did okay for a while, until I found myself in the same position again.
After starting recovery, I realized it was because I wasn't working toward change. Yes, I would sincerely repent, but I kept reading the same books (or, usually, skipping the bad parts for awhile), indulging in fantasy, watching certain scenes in films... and fueling my fantasy with music. I wasn't changing anything, but expecting different results.
Once I started working on recovery, sacrificing and replacing my addiction with healthier ways of coping, then I began to succeed in recovery! And I learned more. I realized that my fantasies were not innocent and gave those up. I gave up certain music (goodbye Maroon 5) and movies... and books!
And my addiction has gradually lost power over me. I am becoming a non-addict with risk factors!
So, when I lost my job.... I could have given in to my addiction (I've had several user dreams... ugh), which was a stronger voice than I anticipated, and just given up. Sat down and waited for the Lord to bless me. But, I found as I was turning myself to God, and working toward my goal of getting a job. I sent out so many applications... sooo many! I prayed, but I also worked on it. The results weren't instant, but they came.
Because God loves me. He loves you and He wants to help us succeed.
We just have to keep pressing forward and reaching for Him.
Money worries, cat worries, and a foot I can't use did not make the last couple weeks easier. The addition of some more rejection emails and a phone call did not help. Honestly, I felt very down.
I've been going to church, but, honestly, just because I know I should. I'm not paying attention or listening at lot. Which is not good, but I do not feel connected.
But that has changed.
I have a job! A real career like job that I think I will love doing. I am so excited about it. A great weight has been lifted! Plus, I had to turn down this other job that I really, really didn't want. That was a great feeling.
The Lord is truly blessing me.
I was thinking about it and realized that it was because I was working for it. And I learned this by working at recovery.
I thought of all the times, when I was an addict, that I knelt and prayed for forgiveness. I cried and I prayed and I did okay for a while, until I found myself in the same position again.
After starting recovery, I realized it was because I wasn't working toward change. Yes, I would sincerely repent, but I kept reading the same books (or, usually, skipping the bad parts for awhile), indulging in fantasy, watching certain scenes in films... and fueling my fantasy with music. I wasn't changing anything, but expecting different results.
Once I started working on recovery, sacrificing and replacing my addiction with healthier ways of coping, then I began to succeed in recovery! And I learned more. I realized that my fantasies were not innocent and gave those up. I gave up certain music (goodbye Maroon 5) and movies... and books!
And my addiction has gradually lost power over me. I am becoming a non-addict with risk factors!
So, when I lost my job.... I could have given in to my addiction (I've had several user dreams... ugh), which was a stronger voice than I anticipated, and just given up. Sat down and waited for the Lord to bless me. But, I found as I was turning myself to God, and working toward my goal of getting a job. I sent out so many applications... sooo many! I prayed, but I also worked on it. The results weren't instant, but they came.
Because God loves me. He loves you and He wants to help us succeed.
We just have to keep pressing forward and reaching for Him.
Sunday, May 22, 2016
Spring is finally here.
Last month I was fired from my job.
It sucks. It completely sucks and I am angry and upset and sad and mourning and lonely and depressed and more sad and then more angry. I have to drive past my former work at times, and I still picture it bursting into flames (no one is inside). It might be a while until I can move forward. ha ha ha.
And I am not stuffing these feelings. I'm FEELING them.
The first few days after it happened, I was surprised at how the longing for my addiction returned. It definitely wasn't as strong as it used to be... very weak, but still there. I could have given in. But I also knew it wasn't worth it. Yes, reading porn or indulging in fantasy would have eased the pain of being fired, but I know that, after that moment of high, then comes the crushing low. I didn't want that!
So I prayed. I cried. I wrote. I read books and listened to music. I refused to listen to the voice.
It's not been easy. My self worth and esteem tanked. I've felt lost, wondering why this had to happen. Not taking care of myself.
In my pornography group, PTW, (which I highly recommend), we talked about the journey from being an addict to becoming a non-addict.
I struggled with this, because the label of addict was freeing to me. It was an answer and a label that helped me recognize the problem and move forward in recovery. It was no longer a "bad habit."
However, our counselor talked about moving from addict to non-addict with risk factors.
I feel I'm getting there. Where I'm not an addict, but I do have risk factors to monitor and care for. Isn't that a great idea?
There are still hard days. Getting rejection letters every day, while psyching myself up for interviews only to get rejection letters is not fun. Plus, trying to get insurance... AUGH! It is hard. Very, very hard. I do want to run away.
Some days I still have to take a break and just relax. Count my blessings. Find a good moment. A "hand of God" moment.
Self care is important. I'm also working on actually attending the temple.
I'm holding on to hope that something better is coming. That God sees over and around and beyond the mountain in front of me.
It's been a long, long, hard winter, but I feel spring again. There are still wintry days, but I'm enjoying the sun more and more.
There is hope and happiness ahead.
It sucks. It completely sucks and I am angry and upset and sad and mourning and lonely and depressed and more sad and then more angry. I have to drive past my former work at times, and I still picture it bursting into flames (no one is inside). It might be a while until I can move forward. ha ha ha.
And I am not stuffing these feelings. I'm FEELING them.
The first few days after it happened, I was surprised at how the longing for my addiction returned. It definitely wasn't as strong as it used to be... very weak, but still there. I could have given in. But I also knew it wasn't worth it. Yes, reading porn or indulging in fantasy would have eased the pain of being fired, but I know that, after that moment of high, then comes the crushing low. I didn't want that!
So I prayed. I cried. I wrote. I read books and listened to music. I refused to listen to the voice.
It's not been easy. My self worth and esteem tanked. I've felt lost, wondering why this had to happen. Not taking care of myself.
In my pornography group, PTW, (which I highly recommend), we talked about the journey from being an addict to becoming a non-addict.
I struggled with this, because the label of addict was freeing to me. It was an answer and a label that helped me recognize the problem and move forward in recovery. It was no longer a "bad habit."
However, our counselor talked about moving from addict to non-addict with risk factors.
I feel I'm getting there. Where I'm not an addict, but I do have risk factors to monitor and care for. Isn't that a great idea?
There are still hard days. Getting rejection letters every day, while psyching myself up for interviews only to get rejection letters is not fun. Plus, trying to get insurance... AUGH! It is hard. Very, very hard. I do want to run away.
Some days I still have to take a break and just relax. Count my blessings. Find a good moment. A "hand of God" moment.
Self care is important. I'm also working on actually attending the temple.
I'm holding on to hope that something better is coming. That God sees over and around and beyond the mountain in front of me.
It's been a long, long, hard winter, but I feel spring again. There are still wintry days, but I'm enjoying the sun more and more.
There is hope and happiness ahead.
Monday, February 08, 2016
Tender Mercies
Five years ago this month was my time of darkness. I dived into my addiction.
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.
Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.
I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.
The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!
One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.
I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!
I feel better! Not that life is suddenly easy. It doesn't seem so completely overwhelming and impossible.
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.
Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.
I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.
The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!
One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.
I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!
Tender Mercies
Five years ago this month was my time of darkness. I dived into my addiction.
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.
Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.
I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.
The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!
One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.
I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!
I feel better! Not that life is suddenly easy. It doesn't seem so completely overwhelming and impossible.
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.
Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.
I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.
The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!
One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.
I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!
Tender Mercies
Five years ago this month was my time of darkness. I dived into my addiction.
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.
Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.
I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.
The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!
One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.
I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!
I feel better! Not that life is suddenly easy. It doesn't seem so completely overwhelming and impossible.
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.
Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.
I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.
The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!
One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.
I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!
Sunday, June 07, 2015
Augh. Life is hard.
This past month has been a roller coaster.
And part of me just wants to be done.
Except that I can't.
I have to keep trudging.
I hate trudging.
In the past month I have felt so lonely, lost and alone. I've been so homesick for the UK. I've felt triggered and tempted and had memories of fantasies and books come back very strongly and clearly. I've literally had to physically move to resist temptation.
The loneliness I can fix, so I tried to get involved with local Single Adult group. Still haven't made any friends. It seems very cliquish. I'm still going, just without a lot of enthusiasm.
And then my dad contacted my brother for his birthday, which means I'm probably next.
I do feel that I have forgiven my father, but there's no desire to have anything to do with him. I just want him to leave me alone. The worry about it, coupled with the ache of wanting to have a dad, has added stress.
Then, Friday at work, a co worker saw me reading my Nook and teased me about reading a romance novel. Which stung because I don't want people to think that. He was just teasing.
So I went to group. I was the only one.
Group is what gets me through these times.
I struggle with the fear that I will be stuck here forever.
I know that I need to work on things, the program, my prayers, etc., and I'm trying to do that.
Today I'm fasting for myself, for help.
I'm working on being grateful. For a beautiful cloud, for rain, for the blessings that I do have, like an apartment I love. My cats. My family. My car.
The Gospel.
The Book of Mormon.
Last weekend, I went to the temple for the first time in months. I'm scheduling two regular days a month to go. I cannot miss those dates. :)
So, I don't have all the answers.
Today has been emotionally rough in a lot of ways. A lesson I taught which I didn't think went well at all. Finding out that Elder Holland was in my UK ward today. I miss it so much and I try not to live in the past.
And I missed the sacrament.
At times like these, it's so easy to beat myself up. Which starts a vicious cycle where it's hard to get up in the morning. I could just sit on my couch playing games on my phone.
Today I'm watching Church videos. I'm fasting until 5:30. I'm writing this blog, which helps.
Our Sunday School lesson today was about Zacchæus. Who wants to see the Savior so desperately, that he climbs a tree.
What I love, though, is that the Savior knows where he is and he calls Zacchæus by name.
"And when Jesus came to the place, he looked up, and saw him, and said unto him, Zacchæus, make haste, and come down; for to day I must abide at thy house."
A small reminder that the Lord knows me.
I still struggle with addiction. I still struggle with the addict tendencies and character weaknesses in my life. Yet, the Savior knows where I am and He knows my name.
We have to pass through trouble. With the hope that it will get better.
And part of me just wants to be done.
Except that I can't.
I have to keep trudging.
I hate trudging.
In the past month I have felt so lonely, lost and alone. I've been so homesick for the UK. I've felt triggered and tempted and had memories of fantasies and books come back very strongly and clearly. I've literally had to physically move to resist temptation.
The loneliness I can fix, so I tried to get involved with local Single Adult group. Still haven't made any friends. It seems very cliquish. I'm still going, just without a lot of enthusiasm.
And then my dad contacted my brother for his birthday, which means I'm probably next.
I do feel that I have forgiven my father, but there's no desire to have anything to do with him. I just want him to leave me alone. The worry about it, coupled with the ache of wanting to have a dad, has added stress.
Then, Friday at work, a co worker saw me reading my Nook and teased me about reading a romance novel. Which stung because I don't want people to think that. He was just teasing.
So I went to group. I was the only one.
Group is what gets me through these times.
I struggle with the fear that I will be stuck here forever.
I know that I need to work on things, the program, my prayers, etc., and I'm trying to do that.
Today I'm fasting for myself, for help.
I'm working on being grateful. For a beautiful cloud, for rain, for the blessings that I do have, like an apartment I love. My cats. My family. My car.
The Gospel.
The Book of Mormon.
Last weekend, I went to the temple for the first time in months. I'm scheduling two regular days a month to go. I cannot miss those dates. :)
So, I don't have all the answers.
Today has been emotionally rough in a lot of ways. A lesson I taught which I didn't think went well at all. Finding out that Elder Holland was in my UK ward today. I miss it so much and I try not to live in the past.
And I missed the sacrament.
At times like these, it's so easy to beat myself up. Which starts a vicious cycle where it's hard to get up in the morning. I could just sit on my couch playing games on my phone.
Today I'm watching Church videos. I'm fasting until 5:30. I'm writing this blog, which helps.
Our Sunday School lesson today was about Zacchæus. Who wants to see the Savior so desperately, that he climbs a tree.
What I love, though, is that the Savior knows where he is and he calls Zacchæus by name.
"And when Jesus came to the place, he looked up, and saw him, and said unto him, Zacchæus, make haste, and come down; for to day I must abide at thy house."
A small reminder that the Lord knows me.
I still struggle with addiction. I still struggle with the addict tendencies and character weaknesses in my life. Yet, the Savior knows where I am and He knows my name.
We have to pass through trouble. With the hope that it will get better.
I'm holding on to that hope today.
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Four years in Recovery. Sometimes it does not get easier.
So this week, I'm fairly sure, is my Four Year Anniversary of being in Recovery. I think my first meeting was March 11. I don't pay attention to dates and my journal keeping at the time was not great (it still isn't). But Happy Anniversary to me!
With that, though...
(Warning: May contain triggers)
Last night I had several user dreams. Not just one! Several. Some violence related (which was my early masturbation trigger before I found romance novels) and a couple sex ones. Very vivid dreams. I've been fighting the memories all day.
Which meant I woke up late and was late to church. I missed the Sacrament. I knew I was going to miss it. First, I needed to kneel and pray for forgiveness, for help. Not a hurried prayer, but a sincere prayer. I knew I needed to go to church. So I went. I was half an hour late, but I went.
The talks in Sacrament were good, but I was still mad at myself so I wasn't paying attention. I know a user dream isn't necessarily my fault, but to me, they signaled a bigger problem. And dealing with the triggers is not fun.
I know why.
I've been watching stupid, mindless things online that sometimes contain inappropriate scenes. It doesn't matter if I skip over them, if I can in time, they are still there.
I haven't been to group in over a month. I meant to go a couple weeks ago, but fell asleep after work and woke up too late.
So tonight, I called into a Women's PASG Meeting. I'm so very glad I did. More on that later.
After the closing prayer, I was really, really early to Sunday School. The other ward was still lingering. Since I hadn't read this week's RS lesson, I opened up my manual and started reading Chapter 5, "Principles of True Repentance."
Bam. Heavenly Father was speaking to me directly. I even took the book with me, when I went to other ward to take the Sacrament. I really wanted to take the Sacrament and figured I should miss a bit of Relief Society to renew my covenants. It was a good experience, bowing my head, repeating the prayers in my head as if I was saying them. Praying for forgiveness for my sins. Partaking of the bread and water. I needed the sacrament.
Sunday School was focused on the Beautitudes. As I read along and listened to the discussion, I realized that I was doing okay. Not great. But I wasn't hopeless. I was making progress. I had come far since the dark days of my addiction. Progress was being made and I hadn't gone back. Even if it felt like it. ;)
And that's one reason why I loved, and very much needed, to read President Benson's words today.
"One of Satan’s most frequently used deceptions is the notion that the commandments of God are meant to restrict freedom and limit happiness. Young people especially sometimes feel that the standards of the Lord are like fences and chains, blocking them from those activities that seem most enjoyable in life. But exactly the opposite is true. The gospel plan is the plan by which men are brought to a fulness of joy. This is the first concept I wish to stress. The gospel principles are the steps and guidelines that will help us find true happiness and joy... If we wish to truly repent and come unto Him so that we can be called members of His Church, we must first and foremost come to realize this eternal truth—the gospel plan is the plan of happiness. Wickedness never did, never does, never will bring us happiness [see Alma 41:10]. Violation of the laws of God brings only misery, bondage, and darkness."
With that, though...
(Warning: May contain triggers)
Last night I had several user dreams. Not just one! Several. Some violence related (which was my early masturbation trigger before I found romance novels) and a couple sex ones. Very vivid dreams. I've been fighting the memories all day.
Which meant I woke up late and was late to church. I missed the Sacrament. I knew I was going to miss it. First, I needed to kneel and pray for forgiveness, for help. Not a hurried prayer, but a sincere prayer. I knew I needed to go to church. So I went. I was half an hour late, but I went.
The talks in Sacrament were good, but I was still mad at myself so I wasn't paying attention. I know a user dream isn't necessarily my fault, but to me, they signaled a bigger problem. And dealing with the triggers is not fun.
I know why.
I've been watching stupid, mindless things online that sometimes contain inappropriate scenes. It doesn't matter if I skip over them, if I can in time, they are still there.
I haven't been to group in over a month. I meant to go a couple weeks ago, but fell asleep after work and woke up too late.
So tonight, I called into a Women's PASG Meeting. I'm so very glad I did. More on that later.
After the closing prayer, I was really, really early to Sunday School. The other ward was still lingering. Since I hadn't read this week's RS lesson, I opened up my manual and started reading Chapter 5, "Principles of True Repentance."
Bam. Heavenly Father was speaking to me directly. I even took the book with me, when I went to other ward to take the Sacrament. I really wanted to take the Sacrament and figured I should miss a bit of Relief Society to renew my covenants. It was a good experience, bowing my head, repeating the prayers in my head as if I was saying them. Praying for forgiveness for my sins. Partaking of the bread and water. I needed the sacrament.
Sunday School was focused on the Beautitudes. As I read along and listened to the discussion, I realized that I was doing okay. Not great. But I wasn't hopeless. I was making progress. I had come far since the dark days of my addiction. Progress was being made and I hadn't gone back. Even if it felt like it. ;)
And that's one reason why I loved, and very much needed, to read President Benson's words today.
"One of Satan’s most frequently used deceptions is the notion that the commandments of God are meant to restrict freedom and limit happiness. Young people especially sometimes feel that the standards of the Lord are like fences and chains, blocking them from those activities that seem most enjoyable in life. But exactly the opposite is true. The gospel plan is the plan by which men are brought to a fulness of joy. This is the first concept I wish to stress. The gospel principles are the steps and guidelines that will help us find true happiness and joy... If we wish to truly repent and come unto Him so that we can be called members of His Church, we must first and foremost come to realize this eternal truth—the gospel plan is the plan of happiness. Wickedness never did, never does, never will bring us happiness [see Alma 41:10]. Violation of the laws of God brings only misery, bondage, and darkness."
I recognize and know that my addiction does not bring freedom, but only misery, bondage and darkness. I know that!
President Benson had five principles that signify true repentance. That was the first. The second was to have Faith in the Savior. Third is one that I've struggled with. A Change of Heart. Or Step 6. So I've completed Step 6, but I still struggle having a change of heart. In Step 10, the manual states that we have lost all desire for our addictions. But I still struggle with triggers and temptations. So I do feel like I'm two faced. Part of me still remembers the feelings and wants to experience those again. It's only by remembering the results of my addiction, the shame, etc., that I can overcome it. That, and praying to my Heavenly Father. Which I did, a lot, today.
Anyway, it's a great lesson. I could quote most of it here. I hope you read it. It gave me hope when I needed it. The Holy Ghost helped me see I'm doing okay. Godly sorrow was definitely a part of my day.
The PASG meeting I phoned into was on Step 4 and that also buoyed me up. I underlined some new ideas that I noticed. And then it came to section of questions to ask when writing the inventory... In the past, when we've read this step, I've been uncomfortable. Because I still see myself doing those things. Tonight, however, I felt good about the questions. I feel I'm doing better at turning things over to the Lord.
Also, I read some of these blogs (which I haven't done in a while. I've missed you!) and that gave me more encouragement and hope. And insight.
There are some things I need to cut back on. I spent the evening watching Church videos to fill up my Youtube recommendations with good things.
All in all, I feel hopeful. There is lots I need to work on, eating, sleep, thoughts, emotions, etc. But I know I can it, because I know in whom I can rely. My Heavenly Father, my Savior and the Holy Ghost. They are rooting for me. They are reaching for me.
President Benson ended with this quote "We must not lose hope. Hope is an anchor to the souls of men. Satan would have us cast away that anchor. In this way he can bring discouragement and surrender. But we must not lose hope. The Lord is pleased with every effort, even the tiny, daily ones in which we strive to be more like Him. Though we may see that we have far to go on the road to perfection, we must not give up hope."
Then he says "Finally, we must remember that most repentance does not involve sensational or dramatic changes, but rather is a step-by-step, steady, and consistent movement toward godliness."
Then he says "Finally, we must remember that most repentance does not involve sensational or dramatic changes, but rather is a step-by-step, steady, and consistent movement toward godliness."
That was what I needed today. The assurance that I am making the effort. That this effort will pay off. If I hold on to hope and strive for true repentance daily, I am making "steady and consistent movement toward godliness."
So can you.
Four years ago was a very, very dark time in my life. I had lost hope, but I turned to my Heavenly Father for help. I had no idea the journey ahead. But I give thanks daily for this program. I marvel at the miracle He has made of my life.
I could not do this without my Godhead.
You can do this too. He is waiting. They are willing.
Sunday, February 08, 2015
It's not just spiritual
I'm moving to my new place in a couple weeks. I'm loving my job.
I'm working on Step 11 (I have 2 questions left in the Study and Understanding!). I'm praying.
But I feel... out of sync.
Sometimes, if I sit a certain way, pain starts in my chest and I, being the anxiety attack prone person I am, fear I'm having a heart attack. Which, of course, can bring on a panic attack. Fun.
Now my shoulders hurt, my neck, my back, and my chest.
A couple weeks ago, I slipped and fell at work. I thought I just hurt my ankle (my right ankle is always getting sprained. Poor weak thing), but then I found bruises on my legs, my head hurt and now, my shoulders, my lower back, and my legs hurt.
I think that aggravated an existing problem and now... I feel out of sync! It hurts to sit.
My eating habits are not the best (lately I've been eating those super size muffins). I crave sugar.
I just want to sleep all day.
Not to mention the aches and pains and the moments of RUN RUN NOW! panic attacks. I'm averaging about 1 a week. Maybe two. My panic attacks are a sense of impending doom with a fierce flight desire. Something I can't do in the middle of work. I breathe deeply.... a lot.
I can't sleep.
I'm not exercising.
And I hurt.
And I can't sleep.
Yesterday was especially hard. It started out great. I'm getting ready to move into my place. I was late, because of the whole can't sleep thing, but I felt good... and then I went to see a play. It's about a women who has never been loved and then she meets this guy who convinces her she's beautiful and it has a very happy ending. It was hard to watch.
There is a part of me that wants to be loved so badly. I ache sometimes with the longing to have someone, a man, in my life. Yet there is also that fear of being hurt, again. Or there's the fear of getting married and actually having sex and then that triggers a relapse. Even just the idea of kissing someone scares me, because I don't know how I would deal with that emotion. Most of my life, I've lived in a fantasy world, where I made myself feel those feelings. Sometimes, the idea of having to actually be kissed in the real world triggers me.
So I shut it down. I don't read romance novels, even "clean" ones. ha ha ha. Like there is a such a thing.
So this play brought up a lot of difficult, longing emotions.
So, I turned to the internet and googled "single LDS in mid 30s" hoping to find someone who was in a similar situation.
Don't do that, by the way. EVER.
I was seeking comfort, but I found a plethora of websites on the fringe of Mormon culture. I found the women who support the Ordain Women initiative, etc. Women and men who, I realized, want the world to revolve around them and use their singleness as an excuse. Some have even gone inactive.
Instead of solace, I got doubt. and I was tired enough to recognize that letting this much doubt in was not the solution. It would only make things worse. So I prayed.
Missing group Friday night did not help. I was exhausted and planned on going to bed early. And... couldn't sleep!
Today, as I hobbled around (my hips hurt too), I realized I wasn't taking care of all of me.
Step 10 (it's becoming my new Step 3. Step 10!!). I haven't been doing Step 10. I haven't been working the steps each day. And also...
The ARP Manual says
"As you plan your day, prayerfully examine your motives. Are you doing too much or too little? Are you taking care of your basic spiritual, emotional, and physical needs? Do you serve others?
Ask yourself these and other questions as you seek balance and serenity in your day. (pg. 59)"
I'm working on Step 11 (I have 2 questions left in the Study and Understanding!). I'm praying.
But I feel... out of sync.
Sometimes, if I sit a certain way, pain starts in my chest and I, being the anxiety attack prone person I am, fear I'm having a heart attack. Which, of course, can bring on a panic attack. Fun.
Now my shoulders hurt, my neck, my back, and my chest.
A couple weeks ago, I slipped and fell at work. I thought I just hurt my ankle (my right ankle is always getting sprained. Poor weak thing), but then I found bruises on my legs, my head hurt and now, my shoulders, my lower back, and my legs hurt.
I think that aggravated an existing problem and now... I feel out of sync! It hurts to sit.
My eating habits are not the best (lately I've been eating those super size muffins). I crave sugar.
I just want to sleep all day.
Not to mention the aches and pains and the moments of RUN RUN NOW! panic attacks. I'm averaging about 1 a week. Maybe two. My panic attacks are a sense of impending doom with a fierce flight desire. Something I can't do in the middle of work. I breathe deeply.... a lot.
I can't sleep.
I'm not exercising.
And I hurt.
And I can't sleep.
Yesterday was especially hard. It started out great. I'm getting ready to move into my place. I was late, because of the whole can't sleep thing, but I felt good... and then I went to see a play. It's about a women who has never been loved and then she meets this guy who convinces her she's beautiful and it has a very happy ending. It was hard to watch.
There is a part of me that wants to be loved so badly. I ache sometimes with the longing to have someone, a man, in my life. Yet there is also that fear of being hurt, again. Or there's the fear of getting married and actually having sex and then that triggers a relapse. Even just the idea of kissing someone scares me, because I don't know how I would deal with that emotion. Most of my life, I've lived in a fantasy world, where I made myself feel those feelings. Sometimes, the idea of having to actually be kissed in the real world triggers me.
So I shut it down. I don't read romance novels, even "clean" ones. ha ha ha. Like there is a such a thing.
So this play brought up a lot of difficult, longing emotions.
So, I turned to the internet and googled "single LDS in mid 30s" hoping to find someone who was in a similar situation.
Don't do that, by the way. EVER.
I was seeking comfort, but I found a plethora of websites on the fringe of Mormon culture. I found the women who support the Ordain Women initiative, etc. Women and men who, I realized, want the world to revolve around them and use their singleness as an excuse. Some have even gone inactive.
Instead of solace, I got doubt. and I was tired enough to recognize that letting this much doubt in was not the solution. It would only make things worse. So I prayed.
Missing group Friday night did not help. I was exhausted and planned on going to bed early. And... couldn't sleep!
Today, as I hobbled around (my hips hurt too), I realized I wasn't taking care of all of me.
Step 10 (it's becoming my new Step 3. Step 10!!). I haven't been doing Step 10. I haven't been working the steps each day. And also...
The ARP Manual says
"As you plan your day, prayerfully examine your motives. Are you doing too much or too little? Are you taking care of your basic spiritual, emotional, and physical needs? Do you serve others?
Ask yourself these and other questions as you seek balance and serenity in your day. (pg. 59)"
Forehead slap. I'm not doing this! Any of this! I'm not exercising. I'm not eating healthy, good foods, without lots of sugar, chocolate and candy (and muffins). I'm praying morning and night, but I'm reading the scriptures for only a few minutes at night. Doing both of these things would help with the depression.
It may be my accident at work just aggravated the issue, but I know I'm out of sync. My depression is high. My panic attacks are really bad. I've been triggering a lot lately. And my body hurts. My heart hurts.
Even my spirit hurts. And there's so many triggers.
So it's time for some changes.
Today, I went for a walk and listened to Step 11 and watched the sun set. I watched the clouds change color, I listened to beautiful music. I'm writing in my blog.
Then I'm going to take a shower. I'm going to get some sleep (I'm going to bed extra early tonight and I will not fail! ;)
Then I'm going to see a chiropractor. And I'm going to exercise. Even if it's a 10 minute jog. Or a walk on my lunch break.
And I'm only going to have sweets on the weekend. Except I can have a hot cocoa if I really, really feel like I need chocolate. Work does not make this easy, though.
I am talking to my Heavenly Father. A lot. I am telling Him my fears and my hopes. I'm saying my needs. He's answering my prayers in good, small ways.
This all snuck up on me. I did not even realize how bad things were until this weekend.
Please don't think things are completely awful. I am not sitting around in my pjs eating extra large muffins and watching rom-coms instead of going to work.
I'm just struggling to not do that.
I go to church. I study my lesson. I pray. I pray to remember Heavenly Father and Jesus always. To remember that I can turn this over to Them. To remember to pray.
I'm coming up on my Four Year Anniversary of Starting Recovery. I've been thinking about me then. How I thought I would be fixed in 12 weeks. Ha ha ha ha ha.
But I wouldn't have this any other way. I am so blessed to be in recovery. No, I'm not perfect in it, but I can become better. It's worth the price to pay.
The last few months have been a lot to deal with! Big changes, broken hearts, job worries, stress at home, job worries, missing group. Without recovery, I've no doubt that I would be in the middle of my addiction. It's only by the grace and help of my Savior and Lord, by reaching out to Him, that I am where I am today. I'm not in a great place, but it's a worthy place. I can make it a great place. A place I know will take me closer to Him.
Saturday, November 15, 2014
It's less of a boulder and more like a towering wall.
You know that quote by President Monson that says the future is as bright as your faith?
My faith is pretty dim right now. So what does that mean?
I am struggling. Not with my addiction, but with life.
I feel as though I was going along the path, seeing the sights ahead, confident in where I was going and then the Lord dropped a huge wall (think Mordor's gates in LOTR) that stretches in both directions for a long, long way, right down in front of me. I have no idea how to get over the wall. I didn't ask for the wall, but it's there and it scares me.
I didn't get the job.
I didn't get my job.
So I feel like I'm standing there, staring at this unexpected wall and thinking "What the heck do I do now, God?"
Luckily, I can cover for someone else, so I have a job until January. And then... big blank.
It has been rough. I mean, rough. I've cried. I've felt so emotionally exhausted.
After I got the call to tell me, I went in the bathroom and cried. Then I left early, spent some time with a friend trying to process this. I didn't get the job. What am I supposed to do now?
And then I drove home to just escape. I got a blessing which was good and I am trying to hold onto the promises in that blessing. One thing I was told was to put the Lord in my heart. Which I do need to work on. My prayers were getting a bit rote.
Then I went to the temple, because that was also in the blessing. But the problem was... I am MAD.
I am furious!
Not at God, but at those involved in this process. It's a long story. So if I wasn't listening to a book, or music or watching TV, then I was thinking about this and getting more and more angry.
My trip to the temple was... ok. I wasn't concentrating, I was thinking about this situation and being mad and then triggering because my mind was trying to deal with my anger and the constant worry that I had no idea what was going to happen next.
The Relief Society lesson was on Prayer. Ok. So I'm working on that. Sincere prayer. Constant prayer.
And part of me was ready to move home right then. I was done with new. I wanted old. (barring the whole "no jobs" there conundrum).
I've been tired and depressed and the negative self talk has been constant.
I'm not good at anything. I won't get a job again because I can't do anything useful. I have no skills. No one wants to be my friend because I'm a horrible awful person. Etc and so forth.
NOT TRUE!
But Satan likes to attack us when we're down.
Being tired didn't help. I was making plans and those plans have changed and... what happens next?
No apartment for myself, which I was really looking forward to. No pets (which has been really really hard) right now.
I went to Group tonight and we were on Step 4. I realized that I haven't been doing Step 10. I haven't been reviewing my day with the Lord at night. I haven't been working on my Steps. I need to write in my journal (literally the Spirit was tapping me on the head while we were reading).
I love Group. I love the reminders I get every time I go. And I get hugs. :)
So I've applied for jobs. I paid my tithing. I'm going to the temple tomorrow.
Then, while I was sharing, I thought of the tender mercies the Lord gave me this week.
The Christian songs that came on the radio at my darkest moments with a message I needed right then (He Knows by Jeremy Camp). The hugs and encouragement from friends and co-workers (seriously, I've gotten three emails this week with job opportunities from co-workers and friends). The scriptures that I looked up that give me hope. The strength I've felt while I pray.
Just tonight, as I was typing this, I am listening to my youtube playlist of Christian music and Carry Me by Josh Wilson comes on. That is exactly how I feel. I need to know that God is with me. I need Him to carry me.
Somehow it will be alright. I have to hold onto that promise. The Lord said in my blessing that doors would open. My faith is enough that I will believe that. Or at least keep trying until I see those doors.
I also highly recommend The Honest Guys channel on Youtube. I am listening to "Releasing Anger" every night. It is helping.
Finally, here is a song that I love, love right now.
Sometimes the world has just gone dark.
Sometimes you're praying for a spark.
Right now it feels so hard to breathe.
Right now you're asking "God, why me?"
That's what you can see right now.
There's a bigger view than what you can see right now.
But if you lift your eyes.
See it in a different light.
Just a cloud up in the open sky.
Let the rain fall away 'cause today is beautiful!
So I'm going to stop banging on the huge wall and lift my eyes up to my Heavenly Father and ask for help.
Turn this over to Him. And try to have faith that because He sees over the horizon and around the bend, He will lead me where I need to go.
My faith is pretty dim right now. So what does that mean?
I am struggling. Not with my addiction, but with life.
I feel as though I was going along the path, seeing the sights ahead, confident in where I was going and then the Lord dropped a huge wall (think Mordor's gates in LOTR) that stretches in both directions for a long, long way, right down in front of me. I have no idea how to get over the wall. I didn't ask for the wall, but it's there and it scares me.
I didn't get the job.
I didn't get my job.
So I feel like I'm standing there, staring at this unexpected wall and thinking "What the heck do I do now, God?"
Luckily, I can cover for someone else, so I have a job until January. And then... big blank.
It has been rough. I mean, rough. I've cried. I've felt so emotionally exhausted.
After I got the call to tell me, I went in the bathroom and cried. Then I left early, spent some time with a friend trying to process this. I didn't get the job. What am I supposed to do now?
And then I drove home to just escape. I got a blessing which was good and I am trying to hold onto the promises in that blessing. One thing I was told was to put the Lord in my heart. Which I do need to work on. My prayers were getting a bit rote.
Then I went to the temple, because that was also in the blessing. But the problem was... I am MAD.
I am furious!
Not at God, but at those involved in this process. It's a long story. So if I wasn't listening to a book, or music or watching TV, then I was thinking about this and getting more and more angry.
My trip to the temple was... ok. I wasn't concentrating, I was thinking about this situation and being mad and then triggering because my mind was trying to deal with my anger and the constant worry that I had no idea what was going to happen next.
The Relief Society lesson was on Prayer. Ok. So I'm working on that. Sincere prayer. Constant prayer.
And part of me was ready to move home right then. I was done with new. I wanted old. (barring the whole "no jobs" there conundrum).
I've been tired and depressed and the negative self talk has been constant.
I'm not good at anything. I won't get a job again because I can't do anything useful. I have no skills. No one wants to be my friend because I'm a horrible awful person. Etc and so forth.
NOT TRUE!
But Satan likes to attack us when we're down.
Being tired didn't help. I was making plans and those plans have changed and... what happens next?
No apartment for myself, which I was really looking forward to. No pets (which has been really really hard) right now.
I went to Group tonight and we were on Step 4. I realized that I haven't been doing Step 10. I haven't been reviewing my day with the Lord at night. I haven't been working on my Steps. I need to write in my journal (literally the Spirit was tapping me on the head while we were reading).
I love Group. I love the reminders I get every time I go. And I get hugs. :)
So I've applied for jobs. I paid my tithing. I'm going to the temple tomorrow.
Then, while I was sharing, I thought of the tender mercies the Lord gave me this week.
The Christian songs that came on the radio at my darkest moments with a message I needed right then (He Knows by Jeremy Camp). The hugs and encouragement from friends and co-workers (seriously, I've gotten three emails this week with job opportunities from co-workers and friends). The scriptures that I looked up that give me hope. The strength I've felt while I pray.
Just tonight, as I was typing this, I am listening to my youtube playlist of Christian music and Carry Me by Josh Wilson comes on. That is exactly how I feel. I need to know that God is with me. I need Him to carry me.
Somehow it will be alright. I have to hold onto that promise. The Lord said in my blessing that doors would open. My faith is enough that I will believe that. Or at least keep trying until I see those doors.
I also highly recommend The Honest Guys channel on Youtube. I am listening to "Releasing Anger" every night. It is helping.
Finally, here is a song that I love, love right now.
Sometimes the world has just gone dark.
Sometimes you're praying for a spark.
Right now it feels so hard to breathe.
Right now you're asking "God, why me?"
That's what you can see right now.
There's a bigger view than what you can see right now.
But if you lift your eyes.
See it in a different light.
Just a cloud up in the open sky.
Let the rain fall away 'cause today is beautiful!
So I'm going to stop banging on the huge wall and lift my eyes up to my Heavenly Father and ask for help.
Turn this over to Him. And try to have faith that because He sees over the horizon and around the bend, He will lead me where I need to go.
Sunday, June 08, 2014
New is hard.
Hi! I haven't disappeared.
It's been a month since my life changed rather suddenly.
This past month has been good and lovely and full of blessings... and hard and sad.
The job is still good. It's the rest of it. Balancing a new work schedule with a commute! Learning to live with someone. I haven't had roommates in years. A new ward. A new culture. A new ARP program.
That's been the hardest. I've only been able to attend one. I actually missed it this last week too, which is not a good thing.
New is hard. And while the first week of work was great and life was good, these past couple of weeks I've struggled. I've felt depressed and sad and sometimes a little hopeless. There have been triggers and temptations too. There have been some trials involving money too. One is resolved, one is not. I'm trying to be patient and trust in the Lord.
My computer died (another reason I haven't been blogging) and I got a new one. And I don't have K9 on it. And it is soooo tempting. I put my own K9 on it, which means I have the password. I'm not sure if that's going to work or not. We shall see. If not, I'll have to find someone that can do it for me. The main problem is time spent on the computer, i.e., staying up until 1am, but having to take steps to access a website or turn the wifi back on after hours involves some work, so it's nice to have the reminder. Sometimes I actually obey it!
I'm reminded that life is not just addiction. When I started recovery, I foolishly thought that all my trials and temptations would only be about my addiction. But I am more than an addict and my trials reflect that.
So I'm trying to work on Step 11. I was going to do it today, but I'm running out of time.
I know I need to make more time for the Lord. I'm back to praying on my commute and at night I'm usually so tired that I can barely keep my eyes open.
Also working on a daily schedule of specific things to do morning and night and times to do them.
Sleep and getting up on time is still a problem.
This has been a struggle in faith because I have always been a night owl and I am horrible at getting up on time.
So I'm trying to do as much as I can do to resolve this, to do research and write down goals and then see if the Lord will help me.
I'm hoping so.
My heart is full of gratitude for my Heavenly Father, my Savior and the Holy Ghost.
They are fighting for each and every one of us. I know that.
They are helping me fight this fight. They will not leave me.
Psalms 150:6
Let everything that hath breath praise the Lord. Praise ye the Lord.
It's been a month since my life changed rather suddenly.
This past month has been good and lovely and full of blessings... and hard and sad.
The job is still good. It's the rest of it. Balancing a new work schedule with a commute! Learning to live with someone. I haven't had roommates in years. A new ward. A new culture. A new ARP program.
That's been the hardest. I've only been able to attend one. I actually missed it this last week too, which is not a good thing.
New is hard. And while the first week of work was great and life was good, these past couple of weeks I've struggled. I've felt depressed and sad and sometimes a little hopeless. There have been triggers and temptations too. There have been some trials involving money too. One is resolved, one is not. I'm trying to be patient and trust in the Lord.
My computer died (another reason I haven't been blogging) and I got a new one. And I don't have K9 on it. And it is soooo tempting. I put my own K9 on it, which means I have the password. I'm not sure if that's going to work or not. We shall see. If not, I'll have to find someone that can do it for me. The main problem is time spent on the computer, i.e., staying up until 1am, but having to take steps to access a website or turn the wifi back on after hours involves some work, so it's nice to have the reminder. Sometimes I actually obey it!
I'm reminded that life is not just addiction. When I started recovery, I foolishly thought that all my trials and temptations would only be about my addiction. But I am more than an addict and my trials reflect that.
So I'm trying to work on Step 11. I was going to do it today, but I'm running out of time.
I know I need to make more time for the Lord. I'm back to praying on my commute and at night I'm usually so tired that I can barely keep my eyes open.
Also working on a daily schedule of specific things to do morning and night and times to do them.
Sleep and getting up on time is still a problem.
This has been a struggle in faith because I have always been a night owl and I am horrible at getting up on time.
So I'm trying to do as much as I can do to resolve this, to do research and write down goals and then see if the Lord will help me.
I'm hoping so.
My heart is full of gratitude for my Heavenly Father, my Savior and the Holy Ghost.
They are fighting for each and every one of us. I know that.
They are helping me fight this fight. They will not leave me.
Psalms 150:6
Let everything that hath breath praise the Lord. Praise ye the Lord.
Tuesday, April 01, 2014
Emotions, addictions and being the other prodigal
Lesson #1: Missing ARP group makes life harder.
I've missed PASG for two weeks in a row. The first because of a Relief Society activity and the second because I had family in town and I wanted to spend time with them. Both good reasons, but wow, have I felt the loss. The last two days, triggers have been more present and persistent. I've had passages from my written porn days (romance novels) come strongly into remembrance, and take some work and prayer to get them to leave.
Plus, I've been really, really grumpy, grouchy and more addict-like.
Lesson #2: Emotions can be like fishhooks.
It's a line from a film I saw years ago Marvin's Room. In one scene, the mom tells her son that her feelings toward him as like a bowl of fishhooks, so tangled together and confusing that it was easier to not pick them up.
That is how this weekend felt. I couldn't pinpoint one emotion or reason I was feeling what I was feeling.
I yelled at my nephews. I lost my temper. I was grumpy.
I hate it. Because in those moments I feel like my father and I don't want to be like him in any way. So I apologized (at least I can do that now. I'm working at making it sooner rather than later and doing it in person).
And I tried better, but I was feeling angry and upset and sad and hurt and…
EMOTIONAL!
I still need to write it out. Maybe then I can pinpoint why. It wasn't just one reason or scene. It felt like several of them at once.
I struggle to know if I'm being emotionally triggered addict-wise or if this is a genuine emotional issue. I have felt unappreciated and unloved. I've felt lost and alone.
It may be foolish to feel that way, but it is how I've felt. I'm the only single one in my family and sometimes I feel that they treat me like a 19 year old because I'm not married, I don't have kids. Like somehow getting married increases your knowledge and maturity. Even though I'm the oldest sibling!
I struggled to turn this over to Heavenly Father. To let Him replace those feelings with peace, as we are asked to in Step 10. It didn't always work, but I tried. I had no idea that being with my family would have such emotional triggers for me.
So Saturday was really tough emotionally. The Womens meeting helped and then didn't. Because sometimes all I can see if that I don't sew clothes for the poor children in the ward. I don't do family history. Ah, guilt. Hello. Still, the Spirit whispered that I was doing what I could. I fulfill my callings. I strive to be an example and I do serve as a facilitator and support person. All women are not the same. We have different talents and abilities and that's okay.
But that followed with my mom getting upset at something I said and… completely ignoring me for the rest of the evening. I have no idea if this is what happened, but it's the only guess I can make.
Then came Sunday…
I asked for a blessing from my brother. I have been wanting a blessing for a long time. Wondering if I was on the right path and what was going to happen with my life.
I felt worse when the blessing ended than when it began. It started with the cursory "God is aware of you" (how comforting) and when I was hoping for comfort, hope and peace, I got a list of what I was doing wrong. I was told to stop looking toward the past. To be open to opportunities. So I felt like I was being told to do what I thought I was already striving to do. To look forward. Yes, I miss the UK! It's not going away and while I would love to live there again, I've told the Lord that I will go where He wants me. I apply for a job wherever I can find one that sounds like a good opportunity. Basically… I felt like my brother was counseling me through a blessing but without actually talking to me and seeing the reality beforehand.
This has happened the last couple times I've gotten blessings from family. Are they counseling me themselves through the blessing, like I feel they are? Or… I fear that these blessings mean I'm disappointing God somehow.
Then my mother got a beautiful blessing, full of love and care and sweet promises.
I was jealous. I totally had a Prodigal son's brother moment. Because I didn't feel like a beloved daughter of God, I felt like a failure.
I tried listening to Elder Holland's talk The Other Prodigal, which sooo did not help. I felt worse, because I understand the brother. What is wrong with wanting to be appreciated once in a while????!!!!
There's no answer to this question in this blog.
Anyway, due to the moping, I was late to church, which led to me messing up majorly and repeatedly in my calling. At one point, all I wanted was for the floor to open up so I could disappear. All day I was feeling like "what is the point," where I wondered why I was even trying. I was not making a difference. So by the time I headed out to meet the ARP missionaries to do a presentation on the ARP program in a local ward, I was near tears.
How was I supposed to bear my testimony of the power of the Addiction Recovery Program when I felt like I hadn't made any progress at all? Which I know isn't true, but I was so emotional and depressed at the time, all I could think was that I was failing at all of this. Recovery. Life. Church. EVERYTHING.
But I still prayed for the words when I spoke, because the presentation wasn't about me, it was about reaching out to people who need ARP. People like me. I felt the Spirit and I bore my testimony.
It's still been rough emotionally the last couple days and I am tired of it all.
Work. Life. AUGH!
That's why I love this song. I still don't get it all, but I must press on.
With my Savior by my side.
I've missed PASG for two weeks in a row. The first because of a Relief Society activity and the second because I had family in town and I wanted to spend time with them. Both good reasons, but wow, have I felt the loss. The last two days, triggers have been more present and persistent. I've had passages from my written porn days (romance novels) come strongly into remembrance, and take some work and prayer to get them to leave.
Plus, I've been really, really grumpy, grouchy and more addict-like.
Lesson #2: Emotions can be like fishhooks.
It's a line from a film I saw years ago Marvin's Room. In one scene, the mom tells her son that her feelings toward him as like a bowl of fishhooks, so tangled together and confusing that it was easier to not pick them up.
That is how this weekend felt. I couldn't pinpoint one emotion or reason I was feeling what I was feeling.
I yelled at my nephews. I lost my temper. I was grumpy.
I hate it. Because in those moments I feel like my father and I don't want to be like him in any way. So I apologized (at least I can do that now. I'm working at making it sooner rather than later and doing it in person).
And I tried better, but I was feeling angry and upset and sad and hurt and…
EMOTIONAL!
I still need to write it out. Maybe then I can pinpoint why. It wasn't just one reason or scene. It felt like several of them at once.
I struggle to know if I'm being emotionally triggered addict-wise or if this is a genuine emotional issue. I have felt unappreciated and unloved. I've felt lost and alone.
It may be foolish to feel that way, but it is how I've felt. I'm the only single one in my family and sometimes I feel that they treat me like a 19 year old because I'm not married, I don't have kids. Like somehow getting married increases your knowledge and maturity. Even though I'm the oldest sibling!
I struggled to turn this over to Heavenly Father. To let Him replace those feelings with peace, as we are asked to in Step 10. It didn't always work, but I tried. I had no idea that being with my family would have such emotional triggers for me.
So Saturday was really tough emotionally. The Womens meeting helped and then didn't. Because sometimes all I can see if that I don't sew clothes for the poor children in the ward. I don't do family history. Ah, guilt. Hello. Still, the Spirit whispered that I was doing what I could. I fulfill my callings. I strive to be an example and I do serve as a facilitator and support person. All women are not the same. We have different talents and abilities and that's okay.
But that followed with my mom getting upset at something I said and… completely ignoring me for the rest of the evening. I have no idea if this is what happened, but it's the only guess I can make.
Then came Sunday…
I asked for a blessing from my brother. I have been wanting a blessing for a long time. Wondering if I was on the right path and what was going to happen with my life.
I felt worse when the blessing ended than when it began. It started with the cursory "God is aware of you" (how comforting) and when I was hoping for comfort, hope and peace, I got a list of what I was doing wrong. I was told to stop looking toward the past. To be open to opportunities. So I felt like I was being told to do what I thought I was already striving to do. To look forward. Yes, I miss the UK! It's not going away and while I would love to live there again, I've told the Lord that I will go where He wants me. I apply for a job wherever I can find one that sounds like a good opportunity. Basically… I felt like my brother was counseling me through a blessing but without actually talking to me and seeing the reality beforehand.
This has happened the last couple times I've gotten blessings from family. Are they counseling me themselves through the blessing, like I feel they are? Or… I fear that these blessings mean I'm disappointing God somehow.
Then my mother got a beautiful blessing, full of love and care and sweet promises.
I was jealous. I totally had a Prodigal son's brother moment. Because I didn't feel like a beloved daughter of God, I felt like a failure.
I tried listening to Elder Holland's talk The Other Prodigal, which sooo did not help. I felt worse, because I understand the brother. What is wrong with wanting to be appreciated once in a while????!!!!
There's no answer to this question in this blog.
Anyway, due to the moping, I was late to church, which led to me messing up majorly and repeatedly in my calling. At one point, all I wanted was for the floor to open up so I could disappear. All day I was feeling like "what is the point," where I wondered why I was even trying. I was not making a difference. So by the time I headed out to meet the ARP missionaries to do a presentation on the ARP program in a local ward, I was near tears.
How was I supposed to bear my testimony of the power of the Addiction Recovery Program when I felt like I hadn't made any progress at all? Which I know isn't true, but I was so emotional and depressed at the time, all I could think was that I was failing at all of this. Recovery. Life. Church. EVERYTHING.
But I still prayed for the words when I spoke, because the presentation wasn't about me, it was about reaching out to people who need ARP. People like me. I felt the Spirit and I bore my testimony.
It's still been rough emotionally the last couple days and I am tired of it all.
Work. Life. AUGH!
That's why I love this song. I still don't get it all, but I must press on.
With my Savior by my side.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Giving up negative thoughts
Today I worked on Step 10! I halfway through my Study & Understanding section! Woot!
One of the answer sections asked that I give up negative thoughts for 24 hours.
So I'm doing it. Yep.
Next 24 hours.
Now I don't know if this means negative thoughts about myself or negative thoughts in general.
I am going to work on negative thoughts in general.
I want to be more positive. I want to have more gratitude.
I do not want to be down on myself. I don't want to judge others.
Well, this list is getting long, so let's just focus on negative thoughts. :)
This weekend for Relief Society, we wrote notes to the sisters in our ward. The notes were of
qualities we admired about that person.
I had fun writing mine.
Then I read the ones that were written to me.
Wow. I mean, I knew most of them would be about my smile and my laugh (that's what I usually get complimented on, not that I'm complaining).
Yet there were some that were on qualities I wasn't expecting. Or didn't realize others noticed. Or didn't think were important.
I felt loved.
That is what came to my mind when I read about giving up negative thoughts.
Seeing myself as other people see me.
Seeing life through eyes of gratitude.
Yesterday was hard. A huge feeling of sadness hit me in the afternoon.
Feeling lonely, sad, homesick for the UK, and feeling stuck.
I could have stayed on Facebook and looked at pictures of Scotland all day (probably not the best idea).
Instead, I got on K9 and discovered that you can set times the internet is off. Not just overnight, which I already had set, but actual hours during the day! So I have it set to turn off the internet for a couple hours a day, that way I'm not getting stuck online all day and wasting time. :) I'm spending too much of my day online.
I'm rather thrilled with this. Which is odd, when I think about it. I have less access to the internet. Woo!?
I also blocked a website I was wasting time on and that recently got more inappropriate. It had cool interesting posts, but lately I have to scroll through a lot of filth to get to the funny stuff.
A couple days ago I was glancing over Elder Holland's talk "Place No More For the Enemy of My Soul", and I realized that I was not following the suggestions Elder Holland makes in that talk.
One really stood out:
"Along with filters on computers and a lock on affections, remember that the only real control in life is self-control. Exercise more control over even the marginal moments that confront you. If a TV show is indecent, turn it off. If a movie is crude, walk out. If an improper relationship is developing, sever it. Many of these influences, at least initially, may not technically be evil, but they can blunt our judgment, dull our spirituality, and lead to something that could be evil."
That website, and some of the others I'm visiting are not "technically evil," but they are marginal. They can dull and blunt my spirituality and judgment and lead to not good things. So I blocked it.
The real temptation will be at work, where I don't have a filter on the internet there. And my job involves a lot of free time.
So I'm going to work on reading books, writing in my journal, cleaning, etc.
After I worked on K9, I got up and cleaned the bathroom and my bedroom. It felt good to work.
It felt really good to climb into a nice, clean bed.
Today, I feel good. I'm off to bed.
Let the 24 hours begin now...
One of the answer sections asked that I give up negative thoughts for 24 hours.
So I'm doing it. Yep.
Next 24 hours.
Now I don't know if this means negative thoughts about myself or negative thoughts in general.
I am going to work on negative thoughts in general.
I want to be more positive. I want to have more gratitude.
I do not want to be down on myself. I don't want to judge others.
Well, this list is getting long, so let's just focus on negative thoughts. :)
This weekend for Relief Society, we wrote notes to the sisters in our ward. The notes were of
qualities we admired about that person.
I had fun writing mine.
Then I read the ones that were written to me.
Wow. I mean, I knew most of them would be about my smile and my laugh (that's what I usually get complimented on, not that I'm complaining).
Yet there were some that were on qualities I wasn't expecting. Or didn't realize others noticed. Or didn't think were important.
I felt loved.
That is what came to my mind when I read about giving up negative thoughts.
Seeing myself as other people see me.
Seeing life through eyes of gratitude.
Yesterday was hard. A huge feeling of sadness hit me in the afternoon.
Feeling lonely, sad, homesick for the UK, and feeling stuck.
I could have stayed on Facebook and looked at pictures of Scotland all day (probably not the best idea).
Instead, I got on K9 and discovered that you can set times the internet is off. Not just overnight, which I already had set, but actual hours during the day! So I have it set to turn off the internet for a couple hours a day, that way I'm not getting stuck online all day and wasting time. :) I'm spending too much of my day online.
I'm rather thrilled with this. Which is odd, when I think about it. I have less access to the internet. Woo!?
I also blocked a website I was wasting time on and that recently got more inappropriate. It had cool interesting posts, but lately I have to scroll through a lot of filth to get to the funny stuff.
A couple days ago I was glancing over Elder Holland's talk "Place No More For the Enemy of My Soul", and I realized that I was not following the suggestions Elder Holland makes in that talk.
One really stood out:
"Along with filters on computers and a lock on affections, remember that the only real control in life is self-control. Exercise more control over even the marginal moments that confront you. If a TV show is indecent, turn it off. If a movie is crude, walk out. If an improper relationship is developing, sever it. Many of these influences, at least initially, may not technically be evil, but they can blunt our judgment, dull our spirituality, and lead to something that could be evil."
That website, and some of the others I'm visiting are not "technically evil," but they are marginal. They can dull and blunt my spirituality and judgment and lead to not good things. So I blocked it.
The real temptation will be at work, where I don't have a filter on the internet there. And my job involves a lot of free time.
So I'm going to work on reading books, writing in my journal, cleaning, etc.
After I worked on K9, I got up and cleaned the bathroom and my bedroom. It felt good to work.
It felt really good to climb into a nice, clean bed.
Today, I feel good. I'm off to bed.
Let the 24 hours begin now...
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