Thoughts and happenings (it's getting better)

In the past two weeks, I've forked out money for a cat that somehow got grass up his nose and then I severely injured my foot...
Money worries, cat worries, and a foot I can't use did not make the last couple weeks easier. The addition of some more rejection emails and a phone call did not help. Honestly, I felt very down.
I've been going to church, but, honestly, just because I know I should. I'm not paying attention or listening at lot. Which is not good, but I do not feel connected.
But that has changed.

I have a job! A real career like job that I think I will love doing. I am so excited about it. A great weight has been lifted! Plus, I had to turn down this other job that I really, really didn't want. That was a great feeling.
The Lord is truly blessing me.
I was thinking about it and realized that it was because I was working for it. And I learned this by working at recovery.

I thought of all the times, when I was an addict, that I knelt and prayed for forgiveness. I cried and I prayed and I did okay for a while, until I found myself in the same position again.
After starting recovery, I realized it was because I wasn't working toward change. Yes, I would sincerely repent, but I kept reading the same books (or, usually, skipping the bad parts for awhile), indulging in fantasy, watching certain scenes in films... and fueling my fantasy with music. I wasn't changing anything, but expecting different results.
Once I started working on recovery, sacrificing and replacing my addiction with healthier ways of coping, then I began to succeed in recovery! And I learned more. I realized that my fantasies were not innocent and gave those up. I gave up certain music (goodbye Maroon 5) and movies... and books!
And my addiction has gradually lost power over me. I am becoming a non-addict with risk factors!
So, when I lost my job.... I could have given in to my addiction (I've had several user dreams... ugh), which was a stronger voice than I anticipated, and just given up. Sat down and waited for the Lord to bless me. But, I found as I was turning myself to God, and working toward my goal of getting a job. I sent out so many applications... sooo many! I prayed, but I also worked on it. The results weren't instant, but they came.

Because God loves me. He loves you and He wants to help us succeed.
We just have to keep pressing forward and reaching for Him.

It's too heavy

Good thing: I finally was able to go to group last week. I missed the reading, but I was there for the sharing. Which was really good, but I was exhausted afterward.
This illness is not going away.

I'm getting better, just not as fast as I would like.
It's frustrating. I'm tired, ill and can't eat hardly anything.
I try to eat something that sounds good and it bites me back.
I called my doctor and went to see a specialist. It didn't help that, while filling out the paperwork, anesthesia was mentioned and my dear brain started to freak out.

It's been freaking out a lot lately.

My anxiety's been coming in waves. I take a pill, I eat something, etc, and I get all nervous again.
I'm so tired.
The specialist basically said this is going to take time to heal.
Ugh.

Added to that, I've been having two or three user dreams every week. Really strong ones, where I wake up not knowing if this was real or just a dream. Stupid brain.
I haven't been keeping up with my scripture reading or journal writing. I feel too tired to do it.
Paul's writings are really hard to understand when you're mental capacity is low.

There are changes I want to make, improvements. Like scheduling my day and trying to work out. Or working on the steps.
I'm finally on Step 12. (yay)
I wish I could feel more positive, be more positive, but this has been going on for months. And I'm tired, sick and sad.
All of this has brought up feelings of homesickness for the UK.
I'm feeling stuck. It's hard when people talk about following your dreams, because I so am not doing that right now. Hitting a brick wall at every turn.

I want something different, but I have no idea what. Plus, thinking and worrying about this while sick is not helpful.

I'm trying not to be Lot's wife, but dang, is it hard. This week marks 4 years since I came home from the UK. I miss it so. I feel like I have no purpose here.
I try to be thankful. I'm grateful for my apartment, for my landlords, for rainbows and birds on top of morning sun kissed trees. But when you wonder what the point is. Why am I going through this?
With me being so sick, I've missed work and I have no leave hours left, so money has been tight. Which just adds to the worries.
I went and saw the bishop last week, and there is some hope, but I missed church today and the sacrament. I honestly don't want to go.
Today it's too heavy.
There is so much to do, but I don't know where to start or how.
Sorry this is such a downer. Today I'm sad and tired and worried.
But here is a song of hope.

I think it went well?

Met with the Bishop today.
I was nervous.
I had no idea what I was going to say!

I mean, going in to see my bishop for the very first time two years ago was, well, a cinch.
I told him what was going on. He told me that I had an addiction. I started recovery.
Okay, it wasn't easy. Still, I knew that I needed to see my bishop. I knew why.

I knew I needed to see my bishop this time.
But why? And what was I supposed to say?

I prayed. I was going to fast.
I decided I wanted breakfast.
I prayed.
I texted my friend to come be my support buddy.

I went to church. I was convinced he was watching me. Wondering what I wanted to see him about.
(Hello addict thinking! It's not all about me!)
I kept trying out different ways to start the conversation in my head.

Relief Society ended and I still had no idea what I was going to say.

I met my friend and made my way down to his office.
You may notice that bishops are fairly popular after church...
so I waited. The whole ward could have needed to meet with him first and I would have been cool with that.
The clerk asked me if I needed a temple recommend and I latched onto that like a drowning person on those round floaty things.
Yes!
But I could meet with a counselor then...
okay so yes, but could I still meet with the bishop?

Finally he was free. And... it went pear shaped.
First off was the temple recommend interview. Passed that.
I do love being able to say yes when he asks if I live the law of chastity!

Anyway, but the recommend part threw me off.
So the bishop handed me my recommend and then asked about me and I kinda blurted out that I'm a facilitator with ARP.
I may or may not have confessed my addiction.
At some point. I think.

So, as my friend said after, now I need to make an appointment for the real confession. :)

I told him how I'm struggling but not struggling.
He said he understood what I meant.
My bishop is a good man. He was sweet, kind, gentle, and understanding. No looks of shock.
He asked if I needed him to check up on me. He said we all have things we struggle with.
He gave me his cell number.

I could have stayed there longer, but I knew there were people waiting to see him.
So the plan is to make an appointment in a couple weeks for the "real" confession.
See how I'm doing with Step 10 at that point.

Well, it didn't go as planned, as much as I "planned," but I feel better.
It was completely a Stacey experience. :)
Slightly odd and with great chance of needing to be redone.
Thank heavens for second chances.