Christmas is meant for me

I meant to write a blog before Christmas, but time got away from me.

It usually does.

The week before Christmas was hard. I almost slipped, reading an article that triggered me and that made me mad, because it's an article about a good cause, but it triggered me and that triggered guilt that such a filthy subject could trigger me. The cycle continues.

I also woke up one Saturday morning, enjoying a nice relaxing lie-in when

BAM

Memories of fantasies, specific fantasies, started rising to the surface of my mind.

I hadn't thought of them in a long, long time.

And with these memories, came the longing, the feelings, the addiction.

Oh, it was so tempting. 

And disgusting. Which was good. I prayed, I gave those memories and feelings to Heavenly Father.

I asked for forgiveness.

Then I got up and did something.

Then came Christmas. I had made an subconscious vow not to act like I had last year (a veritable Scrooge) and I think I actually met that goal.

Christmas was a little stressful. For some reason, my body decided it didn't like change and so I felt a little panicky during the trip to my family's and there as well.

Then there is the whole stress of my family. I'm not sure I even want to go into that. Christmas Eve wasn't peaceful or happy, let me just leave it at that. It is hard not to be negative around some members of my family. Negativity is rampant in todays' world. Even among members of the LDS Church.

We look at what we have and only see what we don't have or what didn't go the way we wanted.

So I am choosing to focus on the positive. To live in the moment. When I felt panicky or sad, I focused on the moment. Making memories with my family. I spent lots of time with my brother's kids and I had a lot of fun.

I did have some weird dreams, though. Romantic dreams. Not in the user dream sense, but in the desire to be loved sense. These dreams brought back some issues for me. Like what the heck was going on!

Fantasy was such a huge part of any relationship I attempted to have, that I just don't deal with it. 

These dreams brought back a lot of those longings to be loved, to have a boyfriend, etc. And I don't want to feel that way again. I'm probably not explaining this well. I guess when it comes to the idea of having a boyfriend (which I honestly can't imagine), my attitude is "I'll deal with it when it happens." No fantasies. No what-ifs. Reality, please.

So I'm back to reality. Back to work. Trying to make sense of life.

That's for another blog post.

Still haven't worked on Step 10. Not sure I'm done with it. 

I mean, I definitely still struggling with previewing my day and reviewing it and especially the time-outs.

I wanted to be finished by the New Year. Probably not going to happen. I'm going to reread Step 10 tonight and see how I feel about it all.

I'm tired tonight and my family generously shared their bug, so I'm not feeling great. I'm hoping this blog doesn't seem depressing. It is not meant to be.

I actually got to say my prayers this morning! 

Then I read Elder Bruce Porter's talk in December's Ensign. 

He quotes Isaiah 61:1 and then he says, "When we read of Christ’s mission to proclaim liberty to the captives and open the prison to those who are bound, we probably think first of His ministry in the spirit world among the dead. But we are all captive—captive to the corruption and weakness of mortal bodies and subject to the temptations of the flesh, to infirmity, and, ultimately, to death—and we all have need to be set free.

Whatever binds us—sins, circumstances, or past events—the Lord Jesus Christ, the great Immanuel, came to set us free. He proclaims liberty to the captives and freedom from the bonds of death and the prison of sin, ignorance, pride, and error. It was prophesied that He would say to the prisoners, “Go forth” (Isaiah 49:9). The only condition of our freedom is that we come unto Him with broken hearts and contrite spirits, repent, and seek to do His will."

I give thanks to my Savior, who was born and died that I could be set free.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

It probably shouldn't take this long.

I've been on Step 10 since March (I think. I'm not sure where my recovery journal is to look it up... Ha that's a sign right there).
This week in group was Step 11 and as we read it, I realized, and the Spirit whispered as we read, that I was working a little on Step 11, which is good, but that I haven't been working recovery as strong as I should be. Or I feel I should be.

I don't believe Addiction Recovery is a competition and God isn't judging me because I'm not making as much progress as someone else. I don't think the manual is something that should be sped through, but sometimes I worry that I'm not working fast enough.

Basically, I don't know if I'm doing this correctly. If there is a correct way.
Gah. Sometimes I get so confused.
Anyway, I want to work on it. That's the point. My goal is to have Step 10, the Study & Understanding section at least, finished this weekend.

I need to move on, which also scares me. Maybe I'll just start over again with a new manual after Step 12. Ha ha ha.

Today I tried going a whole day without negative thoughts. Didn't happen. This is definitely something I will work on.
I almost said "Need" but I'm working on using a different word after reading Jessica's blog post When You Feel You Aren’t Enough, Stop Needing Part 1 and Part 2.

Honestly, sometimes I wonder if I'm helping anyone at all. I feel exactly like Jessica writes "It is easy for us to critique ourselves and hand ourselves this overwhelming to-do list of all the personality flaws and character traits that need corrected. When we do that, we feel like perpetual failures- inadequate and unworthy."

I'm working on giving my actions purpose. On changing my prayers so I'm not putting the entire burden on God to help me or on myself to change. We have to work together.

To that end, I've been reading in the Topical Guide under "Trust in God" and a lot of verses about trusting in God are found in Psalms. I actually return to these scriptures a lot. I am perpetually on Step 3. :)
I especially liked this one (the whole chapter is excellent).
Psalms 34:22: "The Lord redeemeth the soul of his servants: and none of them that trust in him shall be desolate."

I will not be desolate. Desolate is such a powerful word and the Lord says I will not be that way if I trust in Him.
This fills me with hope. If I could just put the whole chapter here, I would, it is a great chapter of scripture.  The Lord will deliver us. He is for us.

So forward and onward. I hope I haven't been plateauing or regressing. I hope these past several months have had progress, no matter how miniscule.

If music be the food of recovery, play on...

Many, many moons ago I lived in a small house with four roommates.

One of the girls listened to Church music ALL the time.
No radio. No Beatles.
Just the soundtracks to the LDS church seminary videos. All day.

I remember thinking it was kind of weird. I loved LDS church music, like Michael McLean, but I didn't listen to it all day. Of course, looking back, I was smack dab in the midst of addiction and some of the songs I did listen to weren't the best.

Flash forward many moons.
The other day a coworker hitched a ride in my car. The radio came on and, of course, it was set to a Christian station. I wondered what they thought. A Mormon who listens to Christian music?

But it is so wonderful.
I hardly ever listen to contemporary radio anymore. My preset radio stations in my car and at home are all set to Christian radio stations, the local LDS music station and the local Classical one.
I have my iPod with good music that I trust. Occasionally I listen to some local stations, but I either don't like the song or I don't recognize it. Or it's so bad I have to turn it off.

I don't feel like I'm missing much. No offense to those who do listen to the radio. This is my choice.
And there are days when I crank up Coldplay because I love their music and I know it's safe (I've only had to delete ONE song of theirs! And it wasn't blatantly triggering. It just triggered me.)
If any of you are interested in some of my non-Christian faves, let me know and I can make a list. As soon as I figure out how to add tabs to my blog. :)

Music is a key to recovery. A very vital key to me. As I've mentioned before, I used music to fuel my fantasies, so there are some songs I honestly cannot listen to anymore because they bring back memories and triggers.
I have list of songs on my iPod I call Dailies, these are songs that encourage me or that focus me back to the Savior.

This post was going to feature a lot of my favorite songs, but then I realized that would take up a lot of space and time.
So...
One of my favorite Christian artists is Toby Mac. I love his music!
This is one of my favorite songs of his that just came out. I have a tendency to dance in my car and wave my arms around like some rapper when it comes on, it's just so uplifting and awesome.
I am working on training myself to Speak Life.

Try to stay in a bad mood listening to that song. I have tried and failed.

Now I'm off to work on Step 10! I'm hoping to finish it this week and move on to Step 11. We'll see if that's what the Lord wants. Wish me luck.