It's a miracle (and I say this only half joking)

Last night I finished the last question in the Study & Understanding section of Step 10!!!!!

YAY!!!!

I have completed it!

Meaning, I'll keep working on daily inventory, and it needs a lot of work, but I need to move on to Step 11. I've been feeling this for a while.

So, it's taken a year. But Step 10 is DONE!!!!! I am no longer on Step 10! 

Hurrah!

This is totally how I feel right now.

1 Corinthians 15:57
But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Why do I keep going?

It's been a really hard few weeks. Yes, February = month of darkness when I was immersed in my addiction almost constantly, so it should be expected. I've mentioned that before, but I think it's always been a hard month.
I treated myself to a nice Valentine's Night involving good food, a good movie and some Olympics. And my kitty-cat valentines. I look for something good in every day.

As for that show, well I'd prayed before about giving up this show because of my crush on the actor. And I felt that it was my choice. So I decided to watch it. Only one episode left, right? And so I watched it and… it was horrible. It's like the writers decided to take this great characters and completely change them. I was so mad! I still am mad! I was up half the night because I was so mad. Augh! Sorry, I tend to get emotionally involved in stories I like and enjoy. Hey, I cry watching Hallmark commercials, so why should a show I watch regularly be any different.

So I picked something else to read.. I vented to friends and family. Today it struck me that God knew this would happen! I smile, because it shows He has a sense of humor. Sure Stacey, watch this show… you won't like it after the next episode anyway. :) ha ha ha.

But I still struggle with the fantasy world. Being really tired means I'm more susceptible to triggers. I know I'm struggling with depression because, well, I don't want to do anything.

I lost a friend recently, which has contributed. It's been a very, very difficult time for me. The loss hit me more than I thought it would. I find myself dealing with anger at the friend for what happened, sadness that I lost that friendship, I miss them, and guilt that I could have done something more for that person. However, I have not been angry at God, which I see as a good sign. The situation has got my brain in escape mode and I have really been struggling with fantasies. Not sexual ones, just the old story world I created. I know that being creative is not evil. It is a gift that I can't use right now because I tend to use it to escape and giving in can lead to lust fantasy.

But I keep going. I work Step 10. Not doing great at it. Definitely not making sure I meet my physical needs. I've written down goals and I'm going to write them down again.
I keep trudging through the darkness in hopes of finding the light. Holding on to the tiny rays of light God sends to get me through each day. He does send hope.
I'm actually feeling, in some ways, better about life than I have before now.

So I keep going with hope that the faint silver lining I glimpse ahead will burst into rains of plenty and I will have that happiness that the Savior promised me.

I love this song and I wanted to share it with you all.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever you would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Isaiah 43:2-5

2 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.

3 For I am the Lord thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Saviour: I gave Egypt for thy ransom, Ethiopia and Seba for thee.

4 Since thou wast precious in my sight, thou hast been honourable, and I have loved thee: therefore will I give men for thee, and people for thy life.

5 Fear not: for I am with thee:

The rocks have evil faces, Lord. And I am afraid.

The above comes from a poem Elder Holland quotes in his talk "An High Priest of Good Things to Come" and perfect expresses how I am feeling today.

As you may remember, my first post of the New Year was about how I was going to make 2014 different and be better now. 

Ha ha ha ha ha.

That hasn't happened. It's been…. a tough time.

I know part of it is because my Recovery Anniversary is coming up. Three years ago in January I was deeply mired in my addiction. (February too). Starting in March, I went to see my Bishop and got started in recovery, and somehow, every single January/February I struggle. Stupid adversary.

Then, a couple weeks ago I got sick. Like shoot-me-now level of illness. I could hardly get up, but then I had to work. No work = no money. So I would go to work for as long as I could and go home early, which pretty much just made my illness worse. I felt so exhausted. I couldn't do much. Walking to get the mail about killed me. I could read, but I didn't want to read… hard things. My brain could barely comprehend the scriptures, but I still wanted to read them daily. So I at least read one verse, but then I would want to read something "easy." I didn't feel that I had the energy left for anything else. So I started reading a bunch of stories relating to a TV show I love.
Plus. I wasn't sleeping at night because I was sleeping during the day.
I missed church because I was ill and PASG. So I was going on a week without taking the sacrament or attending group (which is like sacrament meeting to me). So, I knew a bad day was coming. Last Tuesday was that day. I was sick, I was working on 3 hours of sleep. I'd had fight with my mom a couple of nights before. I wasn't reading my scriptures for longer than 5 minutes day, but reading a lot of other stuff. Basically, I was not doing what I should be doing to maintain sobriety.

So last Tuesday, I went online at a public library to do some research and ended up watching videos featuring the actor of this TV series I am a fan of. This is not good.
A part of my addiction was creating fantasies about actors. I would fantasize about them and about me meeting them. Usually not sexual. Typical limerence stuff, focused on me and their paying attention to me, but lust fantasy all the same. Since I realized that fantasy was part of my addiction, I've stopped doing that. I don't read every thing I can find about the actor. I don't memorize their biography, watch all their movies, etc.
But I found myself doing this Tuesday. I finally realized what I was doing, so I shut off the video. But on the way home I kept thinking about it. Imagining myself impressing him, etc. Maybe that counts as a slip.

Slips are hard for me to judge. I mean, reading a romance novel = slip. Reading a kissing scene in a book over and over again is a slip. Looking at porn knowingly = slip. And I tried to fight it, but I didn't have the strength. I switched songs when I really wanted to listen to the one on my ipod again. The song wasn't triggering, I was making it a trigger. Once I got home, I hit my knees, so exhausted, and begged for forgiveness. After the prayer, I didn't feel it was a slip. More like an almost slip.... like walking the edge of a slip. So I slept while listening to Conference talks.

I was straying off the path of recovery. So for the next few days I've battled with myself as to whether I need to give up this show/stories. Today, sitting in church I realized that I had the choice. Was I making this fictional portrayal more important than my Heavenly Father. The answer was yes. So I stopped. I took a break. I read other things. I listened to Conference talks instead of reading. I studied my scriptures, especially in the Topical Guide under "Thoughts." Some very awesome scriptures in there! I feel better.

There's more to write about here, but this is already long enough. So... more next time.

I wanted to share a song I absolutely love. I listen to it a lot. I'm fighting a battle, but I know who has won the war! I just have to choose which side I'm on. And my Savior will help me win this battle too.

There's a battle between good and evil

And it's raging inside of me

There's a struggle, it's God and the devil

It's love against the enemy

Oh no, I'm not giving up now, Oh

Life's a fight of wrong and right that's tearing me apart

Oh but what the cross has done

Yeah the world will try to battle for my heart

But the war is already won

Christmas is meant for me

I meant to write a blog before Christmas, but time got away from me.

It usually does.

The week before Christmas was hard. I almost slipped, reading an article that triggered me and that made me mad, because it's an article about a good cause, but it triggered me and that triggered guilt that such a filthy subject could trigger me. The cycle continues.

I also woke up one Saturday morning, enjoying a nice relaxing lie-in when

BAM

Memories of fantasies, specific fantasies, started rising to the surface of my mind.

I hadn't thought of them in a long, long time.

And with these memories, came the longing, the feelings, the addiction.

Oh, it was so tempting. 

And disgusting. Which was good. I prayed, I gave those memories and feelings to Heavenly Father.

I asked for forgiveness.

Then I got up and did something.

Then came Christmas. I had made an subconscious vow not to act like I had last year (a veritable Scrooge) and I think I actually met that goal.

Christmas was a little stressful. For some reason, my body decided it didn't like change and so I felt a little panicky during the trip to my family's and there as well.

Then there is the whole stress of my family. I'm not sure I even want to go into that. Christmas Eve wasn't peaceful or happy, let me just leave it at that. It is hard not to be negative around some members of my family. Negativity is rampant in todays' world. Even among members of the LDS Church.

We look at what we have and only see what we don't have or what didn't go the way we wanted.

So I am choosing to focus on the positive. To live in the moment. When I felt panicky or sad, I focused on the moment. Making memories with my family. I spent lots of time with my brother's kids and I had a lot of fun.

I did have some weird dreams, though. Romantic dreams. Not in the user dream sense, but in the desire to be loved sense. These dreams brought back some issues for me. Like what the heck was going on!

Fantasy was such a huge part of any relationship I attempted to have, that I just don't deal with it. 

These dreams brought back a lot of those longings to be loved, to have a boyfriend, etc. And I don't want to feel that way again. I'm probably not explaining this well. I guess when it comes to the idea of having a boyfriend (which I honestly can't imagine), my attitude is "I'll deal with it when it happens." No fantasies. No what-ifs. Reality, please.

So I'm back to reality. Back to work. Trying to make sense of life.

That's for another blog post.

Still haven't worked on Step 10. Not sure I'm done with it. 

I mean, I definitely still struggling with previewing my day and reviewing it and especially the time-outs.

I wanted to be finished by the New Year. Probably not going to happen. I'm going to reread Step 10 tonight and see how I feel about it all.

I'm tired tonight and my family generously shared their bug, so I'm not feeling great. I'm hoping this blog doesn't seem depressing. It is not meant to be.

I actually got to say my prayers this morning! 

Then I read Elder Bruce Porter's talk in December's Ensign. 

He quotes Isaiah 61:1 and then he says, "When we read of Christ’s mission to proclaim liberty to the captives and open the prison to those who are bound, we probably think first of His ministry in the spirit world among the dead. But we are all captive—captive to the corruption and weakness of mortal bodies and subject to the temptations of the flesh, to infirmity, and, ultimately, to death—and we all have need to be set free.

Whatever binds us—sins, circumstances, or past events—the Lord Jesus Christ, the great Immanuel, came to set us free. He proclaims liberty to the captives and freedom from the bonds of death and the prison of sin, ignorance, pride, and error. It was prophesied that He would say to the prisoners, “Go forth” (Isaiah 49:9). The only condition of our freedom is that we come unto Him with broken hearts and contrite spirits, repent, and seek to do His will."

I give thanks to my Savior, who was born and died that I could be set free.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Technical difficulties... and life.

So last night, as I went to post this blog, my internet shut off. Yes, I was cutting it close.
I thought it hadn't posted at all, but apparently it did... with no text though.
Sorry for that.

Anyway...
It has been really rough week, after a really great weekend.
I got to spend some valuable time with my family last weekend. Listen to good music, partake of the sacrament, swim (I love water), and just relax.
I stayed up a little late writing in my journal one night. It was so nice to be "caught" doing that. I used to be on my computer all the time, up late at night, reading romance novels. I liked doing good things that I'm not ashamed of. And not being up all hours.
I didn't even bring my computer this time and spent the whole time offline. It was great.

Then I got to come back to work, money stresses, extreme exhaustion, panic attacks, emotional abuse and... life.
It's been rough. I'm not saying it's been entirely miserable. I love Tuesday nights, when I go to meetings with facilitators and other ARP missionaries. I feel such love there.
There was also a very cute, single (no ring), new facilitator there.
No no no no no.
I'm trying to look for the beauty and blessings of each day. To not see it as a horrible day because of one thing (or an entire shift at work).

I also love PASG meetings. I love new people coming to those meetings. I love feeling the Sprit (and it wasn't by chance this week's step was Hope).
Because I'm feeling a little hopeless.
Maybe it's post-family depression. Combined with worries about work, money, my future, my friends and family ... everything. And more homesickness about the UK. It hurts worse than I ever thought.
I'm coming up on two years since I left and I know this will be a difficult anniversary.
Oh, joy.

Not doing too well with the negative thoughts.
Yesterday was been Tenseness 101 at my house.
It started out with my mentioning an article debunking the story of the entire Martin Handcart Company being carried across the Sweetwater River by three 18 year olds. My mom kept asking questions that, to me, seemed to question why I was bothering with such a thing, if it was true, etc.

Actually, it started before that. Maybe because I didn't sense she wanted help with something and therefore, didn't suddenly appear to help.
And this starts me questioning my own experience. Am I justifying myself? Am I acting like an addict or am I being emotionally manipulated? Am I just being a jerk?
Now I did not react well. I got defensive. I was curt and a rude.
I don't like being that way. So I tend to be hard on myself.

So I spent most of the afternoon session of Conference upset, annoyed, and a little angry.
It didn't help that I was stretching my attention span. I was on Facebook, Twitter, texting a friend, and trying to take notes. I feel like I missed most of the messages. I got bits and pieces, but not the whole thing. Not the heart.
Then a friend messaged me and announced she had left the church. During Conference.
Gah.
So I wasn't feeling spiritual. I was feeling stressed and worried and sad.
Those feelings continued after conference.
So, I got up, went outside and worked in the garden and listened to my Dailies music until I calmed down. It worked, because I wasn't thinking snarky thoughts while listening. If I start thinking snarky, then I know my heart is not soft.
I'm feeling much better now.

I need to be active. I know I've been sitting waiting for God to tell me what to do. And I think now He's not going to help me if I just sit here.
So I'm accepting Tim's challenge to write down questions I have. I've done so. I said a brief prayer, as in "Okay, Heavenly Father, I'm doing this. I hope it works."
Another good thing this week is that I have worked on talking to Heavenly Father when I pray. Not merely reciting wants and needs or names of those I pray for, but telling him how I feel. What is going on, etc.

Well, since this didn't post... UPDATE!

Today, I had to work, but the whole point of work was to help my client watch conference.
I still missed parts of it, due to work and comings and goings and video games...
Alas, I was hoping for more concrete answers to my questions. Not quite President Monson getting up and saying "Stacey, this is what you should do" (although that would be nice), but, well, I didn't feel any Ah-ha moments. Moments where I felt I was receiving my answers. And I have felt that in the past. I do feel that I need to review all the sessions and talks this week with my questions in mind. Maybe one a night. What better way to spend my time?

I am so grateful for prophets, seers and revelators on the earth today. I am grateful for conference.
I am grateful for this ARP program and I am so privileged to be a member of this church.

This isn't going away.

This entry is an accumulation of thoughts from the past, well, two years.
I've been working on it since I started the blog.
This morning I woke up, exhausted, tired and stumbled out of bed.
I instantly felt...bad.
The thought in my mind was that I had messed up. Slipped.
I was so tired, that praying wasn't helping because I still had the feeling of wrongness.
But I hadn't done anything wrong!
It was tough, but I pushed through it and felt a lot better. Reading this month's Ensign helped.

Anyway, this ties in because, well, my addiction isn't going to go away. As in, I won't wake up one day and go pick up a romance novel. I have to watch myself.

Outside my PASG meetings, there are free Deseret News newspapers. I usually grab one and sometimes I actually get around to reading it. :)
A few weeks ago, I actually sat down after the meeting and read the first article, "The Reboot." Why? Well, the article about brain chemistry and pornography addiction. So of course I wanted to read it.
As I finished it, my mom asked me what I was reading and I told her.
This look flashed across her face.

Thursday night I was trying to find something to watch and she asked for Vampire Diaries. So I switched the station, which was luckily on a commercial, and left the room. She called "You don't have to leave." But, I do. That show is one of my triggers.

She's accused me in the past of being judgmental of what she watches, so I catch myself before I say anything.

But it's hard.
I can barely watch kissing on TV!

Now I'm not saying my family is not supportive in my recovery. My mom's come to a couple meetings. My brother's come to another ARP meeting I facilitated.
Yet, this is the same brother, in asking (yet again), why I wasn't doing the online dating thing... I mentioned to my bro, in the course of this conversation, that I was frightened of having to tell my future husband about my addiction. His response, "Well, maybe he doesn't need to know." (Oh, I'm pretty darn sure he's going to want to know about this.)
These experiences sum up the feeling I get from my family. The silent questions, "Aren't you over this yet?" "Hasn't it been long enough?" "Shouldn't you be 'fixed' by now?"

And I want to reply, "This isn't going away!"
I mean that in the best possible way! Part of me doesn't want it to go away.
In the ARP presentations I do, the script used by the missionaries say "In AA, the phrase is once an addict, always an addict. But we believe that through the atonement of Jesus Christ, you can be healed."
I actually don't like this part. Hey, I'm not saying Christ doesn't heal us, I'm living proof that He does, BUT...
They are both right. Addiction isn't something that can be fixed. It's not something we get over and move on with our lives. I am an addict. Christ healing me doesn't change this fact. When I first started recovery, I thought that I would do the 12 steps in 12 weeks and then be fixed! I could go back to my life and that pesky addiction wouldn't be a problem anymore.
Oh, ha ha ha ha ha ha.
I had/have to continue to sacrifice and work at recovery.
In 20 years I'm fairly sure I'm still going to need to monitor my reading, music and viewing choices. I'm still going to need to be working the manual, doing my dailies, and working recovery. Yet, this excites me. It doesn't depress me.
Because I'm changed. Christ and my Heavenly Father (and the Holy Ghost) changed me. I can change back if I want, but why would I want to?

Oh, yes it's hard. It's hard to not be able to read the books that everyone is reading or watch the TV shows everyone loves and quotes on Facebook (bye bye Big Bang Theory. You're funny, but so dirty. Bye bye Friends. Joey and Chandler are addicted to porn and everyone laughs.)
Films are out too. I made the mistake of going to see a Gerard Butler film that was PG-13. It was the one time I didn't read the Pluggedin review, because it was Gerard Butler. I love him!
And I spent half the movie plugging my ears and humming because it was triggering me.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
It wasn't worth it!

I don't want this to turn into a hopeless blog entry. It's not. It's full of hope! Healing is possible!
But recovery requires sacrifices.
When Jesus told the woman caught in adultery to go her way and sin no more, He meant it!
She couldn't go back to the same situation. She had to change. She had to sacrifice.
The reward she received was worth more than the sin!

I have had to give up "so much," okay it definitely felt that way at the time. Yet, it wasn't! A closer relationship with my Heavenly Father (we're working on that), feeling better about myself, feeling better about life... there are so many blessings from the sacrifices.

For my scripture study, I've been reading the footnotes in Alma 5:14-30 (for Step 10... see I'm kinda working it). Anyway, it's Alma discourse on keeping a change of heart.
Verse 26: And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a ^achange of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the^bsong of redeeming love, I would ask, ^ccan ye feel so now?

Footnote a references three Topical Guide subjects: Change; Conversion; Man, New, Spiritually Reborn. So I decided to read all the references for every topic. I've just started on Man, New, Spiritually Reborn... these scriptures are amazing! Read them!
One of the first ones is Jeremiah 24:7
And I will give them an heart to know me, that I am the Lord: and they shall be my people, and I will be their God: for they shall return unto me with their whole heart.

I want my heart to know God. I want to be His daughter. I want to return to Him with my whole heart. Every day! 

Do I succeed at this? Not always, but the promise is still there.

If I had not been in recovery, I don't think I would be where I am spiritually. This is worth it!

So, another song. Another Mercy Me song. "The Hurt and Healer."

This is how I felt starting recovery. This is how I still feel. It's so hard to trust Him, to let go, but He can breathe my heart back to life. I can fall into His arms. I'm alive because my Savior healed me. He is healing me. I am glad my addiction/addictive personality isn't going away.

I never thought I'd say that.

Tuesdays... grrrr

Yesterday was.... gah and augh and rushed and ugh.
It was good too.

But mostly it was augh.
I had to drive my client a half hour away to get my paycheck (long story)...while trying to take care of a bunch of things.
Shopping. Training. Finding out there is tons of change coming.
I don't do well with change.
Stress.
Triggers.
Getting off work late, depositing my paycheck, and rushing to babysit, realizing I had groceries in the back of the car...
Not eating lunch until 4pm.
Dealing with whiny three year olds.
One who lost my cellphone...
Wandering the backyard looking for my cellphone.
Praying to find said cellphone and feeling like those prayers weren't answered.
Cooking dinner.
Missing the weekly meeting with the ARP missionaries...
Not being able to call DI... again!
Worrying about my cat that has been gone for 3 days.
I just kept telling the Lord, I am frustrated.
I am tired.
But I found the cellphone (apology prayer to Heavenly Father for all the muttering I was doing earlier).
And I spent a couple hours with my family.
Then I got upset because Walmart didn't have the brand of mouthwash I used to have
in the UK...
So I came home and went for a run.
I am not in shape, so I walked for most of it, but it was so much better than curling up in front of the TV and trying (and probably failing) to find something to watch.

I felt better. Curled up with my other cat.
Read the scriptures in the Study & Understanding section of Step 2.
Talked to Heavenly Father for a while.
I don't feel today was entirely successful as a Step 10, but I did most of what was on my to-do list.
Plus, spending time with my family and talking with a friend.
It wasn't all bad!
It just felt like it. ;)

I'm struggling. Not necessarily with my addiction... but with my character weaknesses.
With a trial I was really hoping would be over by now.
With the panicky feelings that come along with change or the idea of change.
(So I have panic attacks with change in my life... so much fun!)
I worry, I stress, I try to let go and let God and I do, but then Tuesdays happen and I try not to let
days like this overwhelm me.
Try to be grateful for lots of things every day.

Hugs always help too.
And cats.