One of my favorite movies is A Knight's Tale because, well Paul Bettany as Chaucer and it's just a great movie. A line that I've adopted for hard times comes from aforementioned Chaucer. He's lost everything gambling and he's walking all alone when one of the characters asks him what he's doing.
Chaucer: Uh... trudging. You know, trudging?
[They all stare at him]
Chaucer: To trudge: the slow, weary, depressing yet determined walk of a man who has nothing left in life except the impulse to simply soldier on.
Lately it feels like I am trudging. Simply soldiering on in hopes that I will find something...
and I'm struggling.
I recently started a new intense therapy for my depression and anxiety. It's working, but-- much like recovery-- it's hard, it's emotional, it's going to take time. I've had many low days, depressed days, and it's affected my work. Which is an added stress. I'm easily triggered and very emotional. I've had to avoid news, social media as it relates to politics, etc. I've had to reset my expectations of what I can and can't accomplish in a day... and be happy with the results, even if all my to-do boxes aren't checked off.
One thing that's been hard is my addiction. I've been in recovery for seven years, but I find myself easily triggered now in podcasts, music... all the old triggers. I know it's because my body and my brain want to help me... and that's how they used to do it! And I may have slipped up last night. I stayed up late late into the night watching romantic movies. Historical romance. Because I'm lonely. I would love some romance in my life. A partner. I'm so tired of doing it all myself... but at the same time I have no desire to even get out there and date. I tried to go to a Singles Dance a few weeks ago and... never again. I'm okay being single, I love my life. I so do not want to have to deal with all the dating crap I would have to go through right now... but...
So I found myself watching these videos, movies I've seen before. Based on historical fiction books. Very romantic... and I felt that longing, that feeling of wanting that or desiring that feeling, and the longing that comes with watching people kiss. I used to use kissing or sex scenes in movies to feed my addiction. So I'm not sure if last night was a slip up, or just a simple longing for something I don't have in my life... I want to talk with my bishop, who is a good man... but I don't feel comfortable talking to him about this.
One of the reasons? My testimony is struggling. It has been ever since the news broke of the MTC abuse scandal. As a victim of abuse myself. As someone who was treated differently, especially when my parents divorced... a someone who was not believed... to read that response from the Prophet of the Church... broke me. Because I'd always held onto the hope that a prophet would have reacted differently than my bishop did. I held onto the talks given over the years from these same leaders that abuse was wrong. They condemned it... except for now, apparently. Because that first statement blamed the victim. And THEN to find out they had known about this for EIGHT years! This predator has never been punished! And this woman is still trying to be heard. It broke me. I watched as fellow abuse victims in group struggled with it. I struggled with it. Because this is not how the Savior would have acted.
One night I had a huge crisis of faith, because if these "prophets" could treat a victim of abuse in such a way... was the Church even true? Where would I go?
I stayed. I stayed because I believe in the gospel. I believe the gospel is true. I believe in eternal families, and priesthood power, and the ARP program. That is from Heavenly Father. I believe that God is trying to work with human beings... but I struggle to accept President Nelson as a prophet. I've struggled through each conference this year. The lack of women giving talks or prayers. The lack of talking about real, pressing issues. The obnoxious emphasis on the name. Then, to be told by these same priesthood leaders that my sole role in this life is to be a nurturer and to get married and have babies... that can't be my sole purpose! I am single. My purpose has to be more than that. More than waiting until I'm dead to get the real blessings that I missed out on this life.
Today, I didn't go to church. Mostly because I slept through it. I've been struggling with attending church. I don't feel that I belong.
I did talk to my bishop about my concerns and he helped, a little, but he thinks "there's more to the story." Which I don't believe.
Anyway... that's where I am. Today, even though it's Sunday, I think I will clean my house while trying to listen to conference. I did love many of the talks from October Conference... I'm working on it. Maybe we're in transition. Because the Church has changed, my bishop pointed out, it will continue to change. I must hold on to the belief that the gospel is true.
Because the Church's ARP program has changed me. It saved me in many ways.
I'm going through my own transition as well. In an effort to help my therapy be easier, I'm simplifying my life. One way is that I'm changing PASG groups. They moved my original one further away and it's a struggle to get there. Plus, there is a different ARP mission area closer to me and I feel the desire to be closer to home. Most of the women from the group when I originally began coming, no longer come. It's new people and I figure I can feel just as alone in a new group and not have to drive 20 miles. And to not have to freak out every week trying to survive the interstate traffic. I hope to make new friends there.
Wish me luck as a trudge.
Showing posts with label addiction recovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label addiction recovery. Show all posts
Sunday, October 21, 2018
Sunday, March 18, 2018
Recovery will involve pain
I had surgery a month ago. My first (and hopefully my last). The other night at ARP meeting, I had a revelation of sorts.
I've been in recovery since 2011 and this month marks my seventh anniversary! Go, me!
It was "minor" surgery, but it was hard. Medical fears are one of my anxiety triggers. I have felt peace beyond understanding, but also moments of extreme anxiety and panic. Great waves.
But I survived. It's been a difficult time. More depression. More anxiety. Pain at the surgery sight. Getting over the anesthesia... it took longer than I thought. When my surgeon said I'd be able to go back to work right after... I believed him. And he was right, but not entirely. I did go back to work, but I also couldn't work full days and had to take lots of naps.
I'm still recovering in a lot of ways...but I can do more each day.
A lot like addiction recovery!
When I started the ARP program, I thought it would be 12 steps in 12 weeks and I would be "fixed."
Instead, it's been seven years! It's wonderful, because I've been healed, not merely fixed.
But it took (a lot) longer than I thought and it was painful... very painful.
However, though my arm hurts since the surgery, it doesn't hurt as bad as it did before the operation. That was a lot sharp pain.
I knew addiction recovery would be painful... and it was... but it was a lighter pain than when I was an addict. Does that make sense? It's been hard and it's hurt, but it's a healing hurt... not a bottomless, deep hurt.
I admit that I'm missing my addiction this week. With my struggles with mental health, the desire to escape into fantasy have been there, a lot more than usual. But I know it wouldn't help. Reality would still be there.
So that's my great realization.
Recovery from addiction isn't easy. It's hard. It's painful. But it's worth it. Because the pain hiding underneath is much worse than the pain of the healing process.
I've been in recovery since 2011 and this month marks my seventh anniversary! Go, me!
It was "minor" surgery, but it was hard. Medical fears are one of my anxiety triggers. I have felt peace beyond understanding, but also moments of extreme anxiety and panic. Great waves.
But I survived. It's been a difficult time. More depression. More anxiety. Pain at the surgery sight. Getting over the anesthesia... it took longer than I thought. When my surgeon said I'd be able to go back to work right after... I believed him. And he was right, but not entirely. I did go back to work, but I also couldn't work full days and had to take lots of naps.
I'm still recovering in a lot of ways...but I can do more each day.
A lot like addiction recovery!
When I started the ARP program, I thought it would be 12 steps in 12 weeks and I would be "fixed."
Instead, it's been seven years! It's wonderful, because I've been healed, not merely fixed.
But it took (a lot) longer than I thought and it was painful... very painful.
However, though my arm hurts since the surgery, it doesn't hurt as bad as it did before the operation. That was a lot sharp pain.
I knew addiction recovery would be painful... and it was... but it was a lighter pain than when I was an addict. Does that make sense? It's been hard and it's hurt, but it's a healing hurt... not a bottomless, deep hurt.
I admit that I'm missing my addiction this week. With my struggles with mental health, the desire to escape into fantasy have been there, a lot more than usual. But I know it wouldn't help. Reality would still be there.
So that's my great realization.
Recovery from addiction isn't easy. It's hard. It's painful. But it's worth it. Because the pain hiding underneath is much worse than the pain of the healing process.
Sunday, October 22, 2017
ARP is about more than addiction
The past couple months have been crazy! Not "I ended up in the hospital" crazy, but crazy. God decided to answer my long standing prayers to find a new place to live in one weekend. With 15 days to move! And it was hard.
I had to say goodbye to a place I've lived for two years! A ward I loved and people I considered friends.... and then things didn't end well with my landlady. Which also hurt.
I thought moving would fix everything and I found myself feeling depressed and anxious and still being late for work. My body was trying to deal with the sudden change, and the difficulty of that last day and I was starting therapy...
This week has been hard emotionally. I felt that I needed help, only to be asked to wait for a leadership meeting to be over. There are a lot of stresses and I've had some horrible user dreams.
But I did realize that the ARP program is not just about addiction.
I've started a new ARP manual and as I was reading Step 1, I realized that I could replace addiction with anxiety or depression and it was still true. I was being prideful, I was not being honest with myself and I was struggling.
I need to write and get a lot of this out, because keeping it inside is making my emotional state wobble and crash.
I do love that I have another resource for recovery from my mental hurts, the manual. So my goal today is to answer one question from the Study & Understanding section in Step 1.
Wish me luck.
I had to say goodbye to a place I've lived for two years! A ward I loved and people I considered friends.... and then things didn't end well with my landlady. Which also hurt.
I thought moving would fix everything and I found myself feeling depressed and anxious and still being late for work. My body was trying to deal with the sudden change, and the difficulty of that last day and I was starting therapy...
This week has been hard emotionally. I felt that I needed help, only to be asked to wait for a leadership meeting to be over. There are a lot of stresses and I've had some horrible user dreams.
But I did realize that the ARP program is not just about addiction.
I've started a new ARP manual and as I was reading Step 1, I realized that I could replace addiction with anxiety or depression and it was still true. I was being prideful, I was not being honest with myself and I was struggling.
I need to write and get a lot of this out, because keeping it inside is making my emotional state wobble and crash.
I do love that I have another resource for recovery from my mental hurts, the manual. So my goal today is to answer one question from the Study & Understanding section in Step 1.
Wish me luck.
Sunday, July 23, 2017
If you don't take the time to be well...
The above quote is from Elder Holland's talk "Like A Broken Vessel," which has always been one of my favorites, because I am broken in many, many ways. Sometimes I feel irrevocably so.
The entire quote is "Physicians promise us that if we do not take time to be well, we most assuredly
will take time later on to be ill." And I learned lesson a few weeks ago...
With the stress of trying to find a place to live, commuting, dealing with late nights, and depression and anxiety... I was letting things slip.
And I was hit with a major trigger... I found out I might have to see a family member that I haven't seen in over a decade and have no desire to see or ever have anything to do with. At the time, I thought I was fine with it.
I've forgiven this person, but, as ARP has taught me, it doesn't mean I have to have a relationship with them. Especially when they refuse to change.
Anyway... at the time I didn't think anything of this. I'd come off a slightly stressful weekend with family (trigger festival galore) and a long, stressful day. I was trying to get ready for a work conference and... I had a breakdown and ended up in the hospital.
It was wave after wave of anxiety attacks. I couldn't get control of it and I realized at group this week that it was because I haven't been taking the time to be well. Spiritually, emotionally, or physically.
My meditation has fallen by the wayside. I don't exercise. I barely get enough sleep and I skipped church to spend the day looking at apartments online. (It's no surprise none of those panned out.)
I was running faster than I had strength and when the anxiety attack came... I couldn't handle it. And I ended up in the ER followed by another day of anxiety attacks. Plus, a few user dreams because that is how I usually dealt with this in the past.
It's been very hard, I've been forced to deal with emotions and triggers I've buried for a long time. Also, because God didn't instantly fix me. I got a blessing from a random man that day and I still ended up in the ER. I was mad because I wanted the immediate healing. And I didn't get it. I didn't start feeling okay for a couple days. I thought that my Heavenly Father hadn't helped me, that He had... not abandoned me, but definitely didn't do things my way.
Until I realized that I had led myself to this. The consequences were something I was complicit in because I had become complacent (from Elder Sabin's talk this last conference).
The best part? I survived! The worst happened and I didn't die. I didn't end up broken and irreparable in some psych ward... lost forever.
My Heavenly Father was there. He sent angels on both sides of the veil.
And I'm learning to take better care of myself and focus more on including the Savior and Heavenly Father in my life. I'm taking the time to be well and in recovery.
Hope is there. The future is bright and God is over all.
This is one of my favorite songs right now. It's how I feel. I'm may be dry bones, but my Heavenly Father will raise me up again.
"I may just be dry bones
Stripped of sinew and skin
But the wind of His spirit
Will raise me up again
I lift my eyes
I look to the horizon now
Oh, there's still a song to sing
Fall down on your knees and cry aloud
Can you hear
Can you hear that thunder
Sing His name, sing it out
'Til the sky spills over"
The entire quote is "Physicians promise us that if we do not take time to be well, we most assuredly
will take time later on to be ill." And I learned lesson a few weeks ago...
With the stress of trying to find a place to live, commuting, dealing with late nights, and depression and anxiety... I was letting things slip.
And I was hit with a major trigger... I found out I might have to see a family member that I haven't seen in over a decade and have no desire to see or ever have anything to do with. At the time, I thought I was fine with it.
I've forgiven this person, but, as ARP has taught me, it doesn't mean I have to have a relationship with them. Especially when they refuse to change.
Anyway... at the time I didn't think anything of this. I'd come off a slightly stressful weekend with family (trigger festival galore) and a long, stressful day. I was trying to get ready for a work conference and... I had a breakdown and ended up in the hospital.
It was wave after wave of anxiety attacks. I couldn't get control of it and I realized at group this week that it was because I haven't been taking the time to be well. Spiritually, emotionally, or physically.
My meditation has fallen by the wayside. I don't exercise. I barely get enough sleep and I skipped church to spend the day looking at apartments online. (It's no surprise none of those panned out.)
I was running faster than I had strength and when the anxiety attack came... I couldn't handle it. And I ended up in the ER followed by another day of anxiety attacks. Plus, a few user dreams because that is how I usually dealt with this in the past.
It's been very hard, I've been forced to deal with emotions and triggers I've buried for a long time. Also, because God didn't instantly fix me. I got a blessing from a random man that day and I still ended up in the ER. I was mad because I wanted the immediate healing. And I didn't get it. I didn't start feeling okay for a couple days. I thought that my Heavenly Father hadn't helped me, that He had... not abandoned me, but definitely didn't do things my way.
Until I realized that I had led myself to this. The consequences were something I was complicit in because I had become complacent (from Elder Sabin's talk this last conference).
The best part? I survived! The worst happened and I didn't die. I didn't end up broken and irreparable in some psych ward... lost forever.
My Heavenly Father was there. He sent angels on both sides of the veil.
And I'm learning to take better care of myself and focus more on including the Savior and Heavenly Father in my life. I'm taking the time to be well and in recovery.
Hope is there. The future is bright and God is over all.
"I may just be dry bones
Stripped of sinew and skin
But the wind of His spirit
Will raise me up again
I lift my eyes
I look to the horizon now
Oh, there's still a song to sing
Fall down on your knees and cry aloud
Can you hear
Can you hear that thunder
Sing His name, sing it out
'Til the sky spills over"
Sunday, June 11, 2017
Working the steps and surviving life.
2017 has been... good... and bad... so mostly normal.
I struggle to realize that it's not all bad and try and find the good. We need both.
I've learned that. I can't be happy all day every day. I realized that while watching Inside Out last month. Joy annoys me and I realized she won't allow the other feelings to be felt.
As you know, I struggle with anxiety and depression and they've been switching places. I'd go through the week feeling anxious and fighting off panic attacks, only to sink into depression on the weekends.
Since the New Year: I've had to get my car repaired several times, even got a new engine, because I was stupid and drove it while it was overheating... so I was isolated and having to ask for help to get to work and I am not good at asking for help.
I've been sick and ill, and having anxiety about that... and the car kept having issues.
This last week I've struggled with sleep, with making myself get out of bed in the morning to go to work, even though I love my job... I've felt helpless and hopeless, dealing with user dreams and triggers in ways I haven't in a while.
At work, we had a training on a book on triggers (not only addiction, but good and bad triggers), which was something I hadn't thought of before. There can be good triggers. And trigger festivals. That's my new favorite description of spending time with my family. I'm off the the trigger festival.
It didn't help that I missed group twice in a row due to all this craziness.
I learned I needed to be gentle with myself. This week, things started to look up. I'm off my anxiety meds, on new depression meds. I'm going to find a new counselor. I found a new doctor who is awesome... I also decided I'm going to move. Being so far away from work is not good, it's frustrating and time consuming. Especially as a single woman. I actually hired a cleaning lady for the month because I was sick for the second time in a month, stressed, anxious, depressed, and feeling overwhelmed. I do not regret it.
The housing situation is also stressful. Oh, the stories I could tell.
I may attend the Single Adult ward once I move... but the jury is still out on that decision.
I realize that I'm learning to deal with my depression and anxiety in ways I haven't had to before now. The last time I had anxiety this bad, I hadn't started recovery. So I would use my addiction to cope. Which explains the user dreams, because my body still thinks that's the solution. Which it isn't.
Today, I feel good. I feel better than I have in a while.
Recovering from addiction is about rewiring the brain. So is recovery from anxiety and depression. It's teaching my brain what is truth and what is lies. No, I do not have blood poisoning because my leg is red where I just scratched it. No, I did not just relapse and give up on recovery.
None of this has been easy. But I feel similar to the way I did six years ago... recovery is possible. I'm not defined by addiction. Or depression. Or anxiety.
And there is hope in that. Recovery.
I struggle to realize that it's not all bad and try and find the good. We need both.
I've learned that. I can't be happy all day every day. I realized that while watching Inside Out last month. Joy annoys me and I realized she won't allow the other feelings to be felt.
As you know, I struggle with anxiety and depression and they've been switching places. I'd go through the week feeling anxious and fighting off panic attacks, only to sink into depression on the weekends.
Since the New Year: I've had to get my car repaired several times, even got a new engine, because I was stupid and drove it while it was overheating... so I was isolated and having to ask for help to get to work and I am not good at asking for help.
I've been sick and ill, and having anxiety about that... and the car kept having issues.
This last week I've struggled with sleep, with making myself get out of bed in the morning to go to work, even though I love my job... I've felt helpless and hopeless, dealing with user dreams and triggers in ways I haven't in a while.
At work, we had a training on a book on triggers (not only addiction, but good and bad triggers), which was something I hadn't thought of before. There can be good triggers. And trigger festivals. That's my new favorite description of spending time with my family. I'm off the the trigger festival.
It didn't help that I missed group twice in a row due to all this craziness.
I learned I needed to be gentle with myself. This week, things started to look up. I'm off my anxiety meds, on new depression meds. I'm going to find a new counselor. I found a new doctor who is awesome... I also decided I'm going to move. Being so far away from work is not good, it's frustrating and time consuming. Especially as a single woman. I actually hired a cleaning lady for the month because I was sick for the second time in a month, stressed, anxious, depressed, and feeling overwhelmed. I do not regret it.
The housing situation is also stressful. Oh, the stories I could tell.
I may attend the Single Adult ward once I move... but the jury is still out on that decision.
I realize that I'm learning to deal with my depression and anxiety in ways I haven't had to before now. The last time I had anxiety this bad, I hadn't started recovery. So I would use my addiction to cope. Which explains the user dreams, because my body still thinks that's the solution. Which it isn't.
Today, I feel good. I feel better than I have in a while.
Recovering from addiction is about rewiring the brain. So is recovery from anxiety and depression. It's teaching my brain what is truth and what is lies. No, I do not have blood poisoning because my leg is red where I just scratched it. No, I did not just relapse and give up on recovery.
None of this has been easy. But I feel similar to the way I did six years ago... recovery is possible. I'm not defined by addiction. Or depression. Or anxiety.
And there is hope in that. Recovery.
Sunday, January 01, 2017
Happy New Year!
I started this blog post a few weeks ago and it was pretty bleak. 2016 has been hard. Add to that the deaths of Carrie Fisher, one of my heroes, and it really hit me hard.
I am so tired.
I've agreed to write a book for an editor friend and it's way overdue. I said I would get some chapters to them after Thanksgiving and I... am still working on it. But I need the money, because I have a two hour commute each day. It's less if I drive, but then I can't work on the book if I drive and driving stresses me out and uses up gas money.
I got massively ill the week of the election and spent the night of the election pacing my landlady's basement, having huge, massive anxiety attacks. So I missed two days of work at a job I just started. Then, because of the fallout from the election I got to go on anxiety meds which exhaust me.
So my typical day is barely making it to work on time (my boss is so, so understanding, but there's also that fear that they're not really and one day they'll just fire me like my last two jobs this year), working, barely seeing the sun, traveling home in the dark, and finally getting home after 10+ hours away from home.
My house is messy. I put up my Christmas tree a week before Christmas. A couple weeks before, I hurriedly put up a few decorations and my nativity, just to try and feel the Christmas spirit... it hasn't really worked. The holidays felt rushed, my anxiety is through the roof and I've been getting into political arguments on Facebook and was accused by a friend that I was calling her racist... so I think I've lost some friendships over that.
Spending 5 days with my family was great and nice and fun and horrible and lonely and so stressful.
Yesterday, I cried. It was New Year's Eve and no one called to invite me over. I realize how often we forget the single people in the church. I don't mean widows or widowers or divorcees... I mean me. Those of us who have never been married. Who have to sit through church hearing about how to raise a family, or how to apply this lesson to our kids.
I was lonely and stressed and I just wanted someone to reach out to let me know I was remembered. It was a friend from the UK who messaged me a sweet Scottish poem about the New year and I cried. I cried because I miss Scotland. I miss my friends there. The members of the church who did not let me fall through the cracks. Ugh. Honestly, I'm so tired of walking through this desert.
But it's a new year and, as one of my favorite songs, says "Yesterday's a closing door, you don't live there anymore" it's onward and upward. I've accepted that, barring angelic manifestation and possibly a heavenly sign, I'm alone for 2017. Oh, I'm avoiding Single Adult activities like the plague! It's rather like I'm daring Heavenly Father for a miracle. :)
I want to move closer to work, which I will start working on once the dang book is finished.
I will to exercise daily, even if it's only 10 minutes on the thingy in the basement.
In other good news, I'm seeing a counselor for free this week. I do love my job.
I worry that I'm sabotaging myself, but I'm also asking for Heavenly Father's help. I feel hopeful for 2017. It will be hard to leave where I live now, but I also feel that pull to move on. I really, really miss the sun.
To end, new year, new beginnings. But every day can be a new beginning. Also, I'm finally answering some questions on Step 12!! YAY! It's a New Year's miracle!
It will be okay in the end. Trust in God.
Happy New Year!
I am so tired.
I've agreed to write a book for an editor friend and it's way overdue. I said I would get some chapters to them after Thanksgiving and I... am still working on it. But I need the money, because I have a two hour commute each day. It's less if I drive, but then I can't work on the book if I drive and driving stresses me out and uses up gas money.
I got massively ill the week of the election and spent the night of the election pacing my landlady's basement, having huge, massive anxiety attacks. So I missed two days of work at a job I just started. Then, because of the fallout from the election I got to go on anxiety meds which exhaust me.
So my typical day is barely making it to work on time (my boss is so, so understanding, but there's also that fear that they're not really and one day they'll just fire me like my last two jobs this year), working, barely seeing the sun, traveling home in the dark, and finally getting home after 10+ hours away from home.
My house is messy. I put up my Christmas tree a week before Christmas. A couple weeks before, I hurriedly put up a few decorations and my nativity, just to try and feel the Christmas spirit... it hasn't really worked. The holidays felt rushed, my anxiety is through the roof and I've been getting into political arguments on Facebook and was accused by a friend that I was calling her racist... so I think I've lost some friendships over that.
Spending 5 days with my family was great and nice and fun and horrible and lonely and so stressful.
Yesterday, I cried. It was New Year's Eve and no one called to invite me over. I realize how often we forget the single people in the church. I don't mean widows or widowers or divorcees... I mean me. Those of us who have never been married. Who have to sit through church hearing about how to raise a family, or how to apply this lesson to our kids.
I was lonely and stressed and I just wanted someone to reach out to let me know I was remembered. It was a friend from the UK who messaged me a sweet Scottish poem about the New year and I cried. I cried because I miss Scotland. I miss my friends there. The members of the church who did not let me fall through the cracks. Ugh. Honestly, I'm so tired of walking through this desert.
But it's a new year and, as one of my favorite songs, says "Yesterday's a closing door, you don't live there anymore" it's onward and upward. I've accepted that, barring angelic manifestation and possibly a heavenly sign, I'm alone for 2017. Oh, I'm avoiding Single Adult activities like the plague! It's rather like I'm daring Heavenly Father for a miracle. :)
I want to move closer to work, which I will start working on once the dang book is finished.
I will to exercise daily, even if it's only 10 minutes on the thingy in the basement.
In other good news, I'm seeing a counselor for free this week. I do love my job.
I worry that I'm sabotaging myself, but I'm also asking for Heavenly Father's help. I feel hopeful for 2017. It will be hard to leave where I live now, but I also feel that pull to move on. I really, really miss the sun.
To end, new year, new beginnings. But every day can be a new beginning. Also, I'm finally answering some questions on Step 12!! YAY! It's a New Year's miracle!
It will be okay in the end. Trust in God.
Happy New Year!
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Up, down and all around
Hi! I haven't posted in the last few weeks because, well... life.
I lost my job after only two months and struggled with being out of work again. There wasn't the cushion of money and, honestly, losing two jobs in five months is not great on the self-esteem.
So I went back to job hunting. It was hard and I struggled with anxiety and depression and triggers.
I was definitely having many Children of Israel "moments" where I worried that nothing good was coming.
But it has come! I have a job! A career that I am sure I will love. Interestingly enough, it came the week I've struggled very hard with my triggers.
It started with a British show that I had chosen not to watch when it aired last year, for various reasons, but was curious enough to rent it from my library before the new series aired... and it turns out I should have listened to that original prompting.
It wasn't a explicit show, in fact, it was actually tame, but I ended up watching six hours straight, staying up until 5am, which is not good to do the week before you start a new job, but what was unexpected was the longing that the main male character brought out in me. There were a lot of intense emotions.
The main character is played by a very beautiful man and the character in the story is a good guy too... stands up for the weak, etc. And suddenly I was dealing with feelings of passion and longing and desire that I had not felt in, well, over two years. My heart was broken and I realize now, that I shut down my heart and those natural desires. I am social, but I've avoided the local Single Adult group like it was infested with the plague. If God wanted me to meet someone, it was going to involve a high amount of Divine intervention.
Now here I was, early in the morning after spending six hours intensely involved in a tv show, feeling all these emotions and desires that were triggering and I was being triggered. I found myself looking up the actor, which used to be a prelude to indulging in my fantasy addiction. I stopped. Also, I've been triggering all week. As I was driving to Group this week, I realized that what I was feeling wasn't bad or wrong! These are natural feelings and emotions. It was how I needed to deal with them. Limerence, love, passion, desire... are normal! I had taken them and distorted them. Then, the big reveal happened... this was happening because Heavenly Father wants me to learn how to "bridle my passions" for a future relationship. (Not that I have any idea how far away this future is... it could be years)... so that revelation led to my realization that I had tampered all romantic emotions. Honestly, my first reaction was ugh. I do not feel at all ready or even willing for this. It brings up a lot of deep-seated fears about intimacy and marriage that I've struggled with for years. But I will soldier through. A friend in group sent me a couple great articles on this topic. I might share these later.
One of the hardest parts from this week was reading articles posted by a Mormon on sex and porn addictions being myths. That is a whole other blog post, which I hope to write soon. Still, with that temptation there... and the idea that it isn't a "real"addiction... that created a whole new issue and trigger.
BUT I resisted! Prayer helped a lot. I reached out to my Heavenly Father constantly. I look forward to learning more about myself and how to control my emotions and passions. Because what I feel isn't a sin! All this will be okay. I have my PASG group. I have my defenses and actions. I have my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost cheering me on.
I lost my job after only two months and struggled with being out of work again. There wasn't the cushion of money and, honestly, losing two jobs in five months is not great on the self-esteem.
So I went back to job hunting. It was hard and I struggled with anxiety and depression and triggers.
I was definitely having many Children of Israel "moments" where I worried that nothing good was coming.
But it has come! I have a job! A career that I am sure I will love. Interestingly enough, it came the week I've struggled very hard with my triggers.
It started with a British show that I had chosen not to watch when it aired last year, for various reasons, but was curious enough to rent it from my library before the new series aired... and it turns out I should have listened to that original prompting.
It wasn't a explicit show, in fact, it was actually tame, but I ended up watching six hours straight, staying up until 5am, which is not good to do the week before you start a new job, but what was unexpected was the longing that the main male character brought out in me. There were a lot of intense emotions.
The main character is played by a very beautiful man and the character in the story is a good guy too... stands up for the weak, etc. And suddenly I was dealing with feelings of passion and longing and desire that I had not felt in, well, over two years. My heart was broken and I realize now, that I shut down my heart and those natural desires. I am social, but I've avoided the local Single Adult group like it was infested with the plague. If God wanted me to meet someone, it was going to involve a high amount of Divine intervention.
Now here I was, early in the morning after spending six hours intensely involved in a tv show, feeling all these emotions and desires that were triggering and I was being triggered. I found myself looking up the actor, which used to be a prelude to indulging in my fantasy addiction. I stopped. Also, I've been triggering all week. As I was driving to Group this week, I realized that what I was feeling wasn't bad or wrong! These are natural feelings and emotions. It was how I needed to deal with them. Limerence, love, passion, desire... are normal! I had taken them and distorted them. Then, the big reveal happened... this was happening because Heavenly Father wants me to learn how to "bridle my passions" for a future relationship. (Not that I have any idea how far away this future is... it could be years)... so that revelation led to my realization that I had tampered all romantic emotions. Honestly, my first reaction was ugh. I do not feel at all ready or even willing for this. It brings up a lot of deep-seated fears about intimacy and marriage that I've struggled with for years. But I will soldier through. A friend in group sent me a couple great articles on this topic. I might share these later.
One of the hardest parts from this week was reading articles posted by a Mormon on sex and porn addictions being myths. That is a whole other blog post, which I hope to write soon. Still, with that temptation there... and the idea that it isn't a "real"addiction... that created a whole new issue and trigger.
BUT I resisted! Prayer helped a lot. I reached out to my Heavenly Father constantly. I look forward to learning more about myself and how to control my emotions and passions. Because what I feel isn't a sin! All this will be okay. I have my PASG group. I have my defenses and actions. I have my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost cheering me on.
Sunday, June 05, 2016
Thoughts and happenings (it's getting better)
In the past two weeks, I've forked out money for a cat that somehow got grass up his nose and then I severely injured my foot...
Money worries, cat worries, and a foot I can't use did not make the last couple weeks easier. The addition of some more rejection emails and a phone call did not help. Honestly, I felt very down.
I've been going to church, but, honestly, just because I know I should. I'm not paying attention or listening at lot. Which is not good, but I do not feel connected.
But that has changed.
I have a job! A real career like job that I think I will love doing. I am so excited about it. A great weight has been lifted! Plus, I had to turn down this other job that I really, really didn't want. That was a great feeling.
The Lord is truly blessing me.
I was thinking about it and realized that it was because I was working for it. And I learned this by working at recovery.
I thought of all the times, when I was an addict, that I knelt and prayed for forgiveness. I cried and I prayed and I did okay for a while, until I found myself in the same position again.
After starting recovery, I realized it was because I wasn't working toward change. Yes, I would sincerely repent, but I kept reading the same books (or, usually, skipping the bad parts for awhile), indulging in fantasy, watching certain scenes in films... and fueling my fantasy with music. I wasn't changing anything, but expecting different results.
Once I started working on recovery, sacrificing and replacing my addiction with healthier ways of coping, then I began to succeed in recovery! And I learned more. I realized that my fantasies were not innocent and gave those up. I gave up certain music (goodbye Maroon 5) and movies... and books!
And my addiction has gradually lost power over me. I am becoming a non-addict with risk factors!
So, when I lost my job.... I could have given in to my addiction (I've had several user dreams... ugh), which was a stronger voice than I anticipated, and just given up. Sat down and waited for the Lord to bless me. But, I found as I was turning myself to God, and working toward my goal of getting a job. I sent out so many applications... sooo many! I prayed, but I also worked on it. The results weren't instant, but they came.
Because God loves me. He loves you and He wants to help us succeed.
We just have to keep pressing forward and reaching for Him.
Money worries, cat worries, and a foot I can't use did not make the last couple weeks easier. The addition of some more rejection emails and a phone call did not help. Honestly, I felt very down.
I've been going to church, but, honestly, just because I know I should. I'm not paying attention or listening at lot. Which is not good, but I do not feel connected.
But that has changed.
I have a job! A real career like job that I think I will love doing. I am so excited about it. A great weight has been lifted! Plus, I had to turn down this other job that I really, really didn't want. That was a great feeling.
The Lord is truly blessing me.
I was thinking about it and realized that it was because I was working for it. And I learned this by working at recovery.
I thought of all the times, when I was an addict, that I knelt and prayed for forgiveness. I cried and I prayed and I did okay for a while, until I found myself in the same position again.
After starting recovery, I realized it was because I wasn't working toward change. Yes, I would sincerely repent, but I kept reading the same books (or, usually, skipping the bad parts for awhile), indulging in fantasy, watching certain scenes in films... and fueling my fantasy with music. I wasn't changing anything, but expecting different results.
Once I started working on recovery, sacrificing and replacing my addiction with healthier ways of coping, then I began to succeed in recovery! And I learned more. I realized that my fantasies were not innocent and gave those up. I gave up certain music (goodbye Maroon 5) and movies... and books!
And my addiction has gradually lost power over me. I am becoming a non-addict with risk factors!
So, when I lost my job.... I could have given in to my addiction (I've had several user dreams... ugh), which was a stronger voice than I anticipated, and just given up. Sat down and waited for the Lord to bless me. But, I found as I was turning myself to God, and working toward my goal of getting a job. I sent out so many applications... sooo many! I prayed, but I also worked on it. The results weren't instant, but they came.
Because God loves me. He loves you and He wants to help us succeed.
We just have to keep pressing forward and reaching for Him.
Sunday, May 22, 2016
Spring is finally here.
Last month I was fired from my job.
It sucks. It completely sucks and I am angry and upset and sad and mourning and lonely and depressed and more sad and then more angry. I have to drive past my former work at times, and I still picture it bursting into flames (no one is inside). It might be a while until I can move forward. ha ha ha.
And I am not stuffing these feelings. I'm FEELING them.
The first few days after it happened, I was surprised at how the longing for my addiction returned. It definitely wasn't as strong as it used to be... very weak, but still there. I could have given in. But I also knew it wasn't worth it. Yes, reading porn or indulging in fantasy would have eased the pain of being fired, but I know that, after that moment of high, then comes the crushing low. I didn't want that!
So I prayed. I cried. I wrote. I read books and listened to music. I refused to listen to the voice.
It's not been easy. My self worth and esteem tanked. I've felt lost, wondering why this had to happen. Not taking care of myself.
In my pornography group, PTW, (which I highly recommend), we talked about the journey from being an addict to becoming a non-addict.
I struggled with this, because the label of addict was freeing to me. It was an answer and a label that helped me recognize the problem and move forward in recovery. It was no longer a "bad habit."
However, our counselor talked about moving from addict to non-addict with risk factors.
I feel I'm getting there. Where I'm not an addict, but I do have risk factors to monitor and care for. Isn't that a great idea?
There are still hard days. Getting rejection letters every day, while psyching myself up for interviews only to get rejection letters is not fun. Plus, trying to get insurance... AUGH! It is hard. Very, very hard. I do want to run away.
Some days I still have to take a break and just relax. Count my blessings. Find a good moment. A "hand of God" moment.
Self care is important. I'm also working on actually attending the temple.
I'm holding on to hope that something better is coming. That God sees over and around and beyond the mountain in front of me.
It's been a long, long, hard winter, but I feel spring again. There are still wintry days, but I'm enjoying the sun more and more.
There is hope and happiness ahead.
It sucks. It completely sucks and I am angry and upset and sad and mourning and lonely and depressed and more sad and then more angry. I have to drive past my former work at times, and I still picture it bursting into flames (no one is inside). It might be a while until I can move forward. ha ha ha.
And I am not stuffing these feelings. I'm FEELING them.
The first few days after it happened, I was surprised at how the longing for my addiction returned. It definitely wasn't as strong as it used to be... very weak, but still there. I could have given in. But I also knew it wasn't worth it. Yes, reading porn or indulging in fantasy would have eased the pain of being fired, but I know that, after that moment of high, then comes the crushing low. I didn't want that!
So I prayed. I cried. I wrote. I read books and listened to music. I refused to listen to the voice.
It's not been easy. My self worth and esteem tanked. I've felt lost, wondering why this had to happen. Not taking care of myself.
In my pornography group, PTW, (which I highly recommend), we talked about the journey from being an addict to becoming a non-addict.
I struggled with this, because the label of addict was freeing to me. It was an answer and a label that helped me recognize the problem and move forward in recovery. It was no longer a "bad habit."
However, our counselor talked about moving from addict to non-addict with risk factors.
I feel I'm getting there. Where I'm not an addict, but I do have risk factors to monitor and care for. Isn't that a great idea?
There are still hard days. Getting rejection letters every day, while psyching myself up for interviews only to get rejection letters is not fun. Plus, trying to get insurance... AUGH! It is hard. Very, very hard. I do want to run away.
Some days I still have to take a break and just relax. Count my blessings. Find a good moment. A "hand of God" moment.
Self care is important. I'm also working on actually attending the temple.
I'm holding on to hope that something better is coming. That God sees over and around and beyond the mountain in front of me.
It's been a long, long, hard winter, but I feel spring again. There are still wintry days, but I'm enjoying the sun more and more.
There is hope and happiness ahead.
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Recovery, anniversaries and stupid decisions
I saw this last year on Facebook post and I love it. It's TRUE!
I laugh and I nod, because I do make bad decisions.
Today I am definitely feeling the result of my stupid decisions.
Going through this illness, I've realized, is a lot like recovery. I'll get to that in a bit.
My 5th Anniversary of starting recovery is next month. I don't pay attention to dates and I wasn't keeping a journal at the time. Still working on consistent writing....
But February was my dark month five years ago and it was toward the end of February I made an appointment with my bishop... and now here I am.
I'm in a PTW group that meets once a week at the local LDS Family Services. Oh, my word, I love that place. My counselor is great and after only one week, I think I'm excited to see where the PTW group takes me. I feel I need to be reminded of where I've been and what I've learned.
Anyway, this week, I ate some food I shouldn't have, but I kept eating it because it was just so good. But instead of giving myself a break in between eating these foods, I ate them 3 days in a row. Just one meal, but it was a bad decision and this weekend I'm paying for it. I've been sleepy and sick and so, so panicky (hasn't that been so fun). I had all these things I planned to do and I've done nothing because I have to take time to recover. My body is forcing me to recover.
Which is a lot like my addiction was. I still have to avoid certain books and shows and music (though, honestly I don't think I'm missing much) because I know that they will trigger temptations and a desire to return "one more time." Because I do miss my fantasy world.
A lot has happened since my last blog post. Some big things have gone down at work and stressed me out and led me to question what the heck I'm doing and what the Lord wants from me.
I've had a couple lovely blessings and I'm scheduled to get one tonight because I can't miss anymore work.
We keep on fighting, we keep pressing forward and we don't eat/consume what we shouldn't! :)
So as I curl up with my lovely almond milk and some dark chocolate, I hope you know I pray for you all.
Love, from me.
Monday, February 08, 2016
Tender Mercies
Five years ago this month was my time of darkness. I dived into my addiction.
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.
Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.
I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.
The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!
One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.
I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!
I feel better! Not that life is suddenly easy. It doesn't seem so completely overwhelming and impossible.
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.
Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.
I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.
The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!
One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.
I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!
Tender Mercies
Five years ago this month was my time of darkness. I dived into my addiction.
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.
Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.
I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.
The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!
One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.
I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!
I feel better! Not that life is suddenly easy. It doesn't seem so completely overwhelming and impossible.
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.
Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.
I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.
The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!
One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.
I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!
Tender Mercies
Five years ago this month was my time of darkness. I dived into my addiction.
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.
Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.
I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.
The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!
One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.
I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!
I feel better! Not that life is suddenly easy. It doesn't seem so completely overwhelming and impossible.
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.
Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.
I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.
The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!
One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.
I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Survival Mode
I started a post a few weeks ago, but never finished it.
Hi, I'm Stacey!
The past couple months have been horrible, and good, beautiful and ugly and hard.
I've started seeing a counselor and I love it. It's so helpful and nice to have someone who is honest with me. For bad and for good! I realized that I was expecting too much from myself, with my illness and my depression/anxiety. It's a process. Even if I only get one or two things done, I accomplished something! That is good.
A brief recap:
Coming back from Thanksgiving, I had a hard week. My counselor helped me figure out it was because dealing with my family is a trigger for me. That and I still can't eat much. Pumpkin pie with whip cream was a huge mistake.
That's been hard too. I've lost weight, but my depression and anxiety are still there. I can have panic attacks when I eat the wrong thing. Yes, I look good, but
This is very, very frustrating. I can tell because I have user dreams too. I actually had one where I was tempted to indulge in fantasy and I gave in. It felt so real! Ugh, this brain sometimes.
Christmas was good. Nice and relaxing.
I saw the new Star Wars and went to a nice Candlelight service with my landlady and her family.
But, all the stress of family and life wore on me. I missed a whole day of work because of it.
I couldn't meet with my counselor over Christmas.
We also visited my brother and his family, which was nice, but also tense and stressful.
Family can be triggers, my counselor helped me see that.
And then I picked up some illness from my nephews. It was so bad, I missed two days of work and finally went to see the doctor... who put me on antibiotics. yay.
Anxiety lies. Depression lies. Addiction lies.
I was feeling all three. A lot of lies.
I withdrew. I didn't go to church or activities. I missed group for about a month.
Looking back, I was majorly depressed.
Last week I decided to be social. I went to our RS Activity (that was so much fun) and group! I really needed group. We were on Step 6.
Honestly, I thought "Oh, no."
These past few months have been HARD! Emotionally, physically, mentally... all of those and more.
I struggle with feeling close to Heavenly Father and my Savior. I studied the Christmas Story, but I wasn't feeling the story. Does that make sense?
I was praying and studying and... I felt distant from my HF and Savior.
That night, as we read, I realized that I've been in Survival Mode.
Getting through the day is my goal.
And that's okay.
My counselor is helping me see that depression focuses on perfectionism. I have to clean my house all in one day.
I have to do Indexing, Family History, bake and cook, Visit Teach, Serve others, etc... RIGHT NOW!
That's not possible.
I'm a Work in Progress. A Masterpiece in Progress.
One day at a time. And if I only get one thing done... I got ONE thing done!
YAY!
I got sick again after the New Year and put back on antibiotics... that was nerve wracking.
So I'm watching very carefully what I eat and drink. Dang my low immune system.
Work is stressful and not fun right now, but I'm sticking it out because I'm hoping for blessings. I'm hoping for improvement. Pulling out of this funk and starting to feel like I'm living and not just survival mode.
Working in improving prayers. Remember Heavenly Father and my Savior every day. Praying to remember them when needed. Not just in bad times, but in good. I really need to work on the bad, though. I tend to forget them when I'm in the middle of a stressful or bad moment.
Right now, I'm going to bed early. Lots to do tomorrow and I need to get sleep.
I went to a fireside the other night and we sang my favorite hymn "Come Unto Jesus."
Come unto Jesus, ye heavy laden.
Careworn and fainting, by sin oppressed.
He'll safely guide you unto that haven
Where all who trust Him may rest.
Hi, I'm Stacey!
The past couple months have been horrible, and good, beautiful and ugly and hard.
I've started seeing a counselor and I love it. It's so helpful and nice to have someone who is honest with me. For bad and for good! I realized that I was expecting too much from myself, with my illness and my depression/anxiety. It's a process. Even if I only get one or two things done, I accomplished something! That is good.
A brief recap:
Coming back from Thanksgiving, I had a hard week. My counselor helped me figure out it was because dealing with my family is a trigger for me. That and I still can't eat much. Pumpkin pie with whip cream was a huge mistake.
That's been hard too. I've lost weight, but my depression and anxiety are still there. I can have panic attacks when I eat the wrong thing. Yes, I look good, but
This is very, very frustrating. I can tell because I have user dreams too. I actually had one where I was tempted to indulge in fantasy and I gave in. It felt so real! Ugh, this brain sometimes.
Christmas was good. Nice and relaxing.
I saw the new Star Wars and went to a nice Candlelight service with my landlady and her family.
But, all the stress of family and life wore on me. I missed a whole day of work because of it.
I couldn't meet with my counselor over Christmas.
We also visited my brother and his family, which was nice, but also tense and stressful.
Family can be triggers, my counselor helped me see that.
And then I picked up some illness from my nephews. It was so bad, I missed two days of work and finally went to see the doctor... who put me on antibiotics. yay.
Anxiety lies. Depression lies. Addiction lies.
I was feeling all three. A lot of lies.
I withdrew. I didn't go to church or activities. I missed group for about a month.
Looking back, I was majorly depressed.
Last week I decided to be social. I went to our RS Activity (that was so much fun) and group! I really needed group. We were on Step 6.
Honestly, I thought "Oh, no."
These past few months have been HARD! Emotionally, physically, mentally... all of those and more.
I struggle with feeling close to Heavenly Father and my Savior. I studied the Christmas Story, but I wasn't feeling the story. Does that make sense?
I was praying and studying and... I felt distant from my HF and Savior.
That night, as we read, I realized that I've been in Survival Mode.
Getting through the day is my goal.
And that's okay.
My counselor is helping me see that depression focuses on perfectionism. I have to clean my house all in one day.
I have to do Indexing, Family History, bake and cook, Visit Teach, Serve others, etc... RIGHT NOW!
That's not possible.
I'm a Work in Progress. A Masterpiece in Progress.
One day at a time. And if I only get one thing done... I got ONE thing done!
YAY!
I got sick again after the New Year and put back on antibiotics... that was nerve wracking.
So I'm watching very carefully what I eat and drink. Dang my low immune system.
Work is stressful and not fun right now, but I'm sticking it out because I'm hoping for blessings. I'm hoping for improvement. Pulling out of this funk and starting to feel like I'm living and not just survival mode.
Working in improving prayers. Remember Heavenly Father and my Savior every day. Praying to remember them when needed. Not just in bad times, but in good. I really need to work on the bad, though. I tend to forget them when I'm in the middle of a stressful or bad moment.
Right now, I'm going to bed early. Lots to do tomorrow and I need to get sleep.
I went to a fireside the other night and we sang my favorite hymn "Come Unto Jesus."
Come unto Jesus, ye heavy laden.
Careworn and fainting, by sin oppressed.
He'll safely guide you unto that haven
Where all who trust Him may rest.
Wishing you peace and love...
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Addiction in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
I love RL Stevenson. He's one of my favorite authors.
In fact, I read The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde a few months before I had my rock bottom moment that started me on recovery over four years ago. The story stuck with me. In fact, while I was writing after my first slip, I mentioned it in a Study and Understanding section. How I felt like Hyde was out and wouldn't go back in.
A year ago, I decided to read it again, and I got an audiobook version to listen to while driving.
Listening to it, I had a realization! It's a story of addiction!
Spoilers, if you've never read the story. (PS Don't watch TV versions of it. They usually have a sexual aspect which is not in the book.)
Dr. Jekyll is an upstanding man, but, he reveals to his friend, he wanted to be able to commit sin without remorse!
"If each, I told myself, could but be housed in separate identities, life would be relieved of all that was unbearable; the unjust delivered from the aspirations might go his way, and remorse of his more upright twin; and the just could walk steadfastly and securely on his upward path, doing the good things in which he found his pleasure, and no longer exposed to disgrace and penitence by the hands of this extraneous evil.”
Sound familiar?
Jekyll creates a drug to bring out the evil/immoral side of him. He becomes Mr. Hyde. Mr. Hyde knocks down and steps on a small child. Later, he murders someone. Yet he shows no remorse. Hyde is purely the immoral aspect of man.
At the end of the story, Jekyll recounts how, when he tried to stop becoming Mr. Hyde, he couldn't! Then Hyde begins coming out at will. No more drugs needed. And the drink that Jekyll used to stop Hyde ceases to work. Knowing he has no control, Jekyll becomes Mr. Hyde and commits suicide.
As I was listening to this, I realized how much Hyde is addiction. It starts out as curiosity, or blatant rebellion. Then, once we're hooked, there is a part of us that wants to indulge in the addiction without consequence or remorse. And then we find ourselves giving in more and more. We can't stop and, eventually, the addiction takes over our lives and we are trapped. If we don't seek help, we know there is a real possibility of death.
However, sad as Jekyll's end is, WE have the option of turning to Heavenly Father. We don't need salts or drinks. :)
We believe that we can be healed from the damage of addiction and that our Heavenly Father does this for us.
There is hope even in the darkest moments.
In fact, I read The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde a few months before I had my rock bottom moment that started me on recovery over four years ago. The story stuck with me. In fact, while I was writing after my first slip, I mentioned it in a Study and Understanding section. How I felt like Hyde was out and wouldn't go back in.
A year ago, I decided to read it again, and I got an audiobook version to listen to while driving.
Listening to it, I had a realization! It's a story of addiction!
Spoilers, if you've never read the story. (PS Don't watch TV versions of it. They usually have a sexual aspect which is not in the book.)
Dr. Jekyll is an upstanding man, but, he reveals to his friend, he wanted to be able to commit sin without remorse!
"If each, I told myself, could but be housed in separate identities, life would be relieved of all that was unbearable; the unjust delivered from the aspirations might go his way, and remorse of his more upright twin; and the just could walk steadfastly and securely on his upward path, doing the good things in which he found his pleasure, and no longer exposed to disgrace and penitence by the hands of this extraneous evil.”
Sound familiar?
Jekyll creates a drug to bring out the evil/immoral side of him. He becomes Mr. Hyde. Mr. Hyde knocks down and steps on a small child. Later, he murders someone. Yet he shows no remorse. Hyde is purely the immoral aspect of man.
At the end of the story, Jekyll recounts how, when he tried to stop becoming Mr. Hyde, he couldn't! Then Hyde begins coming out at will. No more drugs needed. And the drink that Jekyll used to stop Hyde ceases to work. Knowing he has no control, Jekyll becomes Mr. Hyde and commits suicide.
As I was listening to this, I realized how much Hyde is addiction. It starts out as curiosity, or blatant rebellion. Then, once we're hooked, there is a part of us that wants to indulge in the addiction without consequence or remorse. And then we find ourselves giving in more and more. We can't stop and, eventually, the addiction takes over our lives and we are trapped. If we don't seek help, we know there is a real possibility of death.
However, sad as Jekyll's end is, WE have the option of turning to Heavenly Father. We don't need salts or drinks. :)
We believe that we can be healed from the damage of addiction and that our Heavenly Father does this for us.
There is hope even in the darkest moments.
Sunday, October 18, 2015
It's too heavy
Good thing: I finally was able to go to group last week. I missed the reading, but I was there for the sharing. Which was really good, but I was exhausted afterward.
This illness is not going away.
I'm getting better, just not as fast as I would like.
It's frustrating. I'm tired, ill and can't eat hardly anything.
I try to eat something that sounds good and it bites me back.
I called my doctor and went to see a specialist. It didn't help that, while filling out the paperwork, anesthesia was mentioned and my dear brain started to freak out.
It's been freaking out a lot lately.
My anxiety's been coming in waves. I take a pill, I eat something, etc, and I get all nervous again.
I'm so tired.
The specialist basically said this is going to take time to heal.
Ugh.
Added to that, I've been having two or three user dreams every week. Really strong ones, where I wake up not knowing if this was real or just a dream. Stupid brain.
I haven't been keeping up with my scripture reading or journal writing. I feel too tired to do it.
Paul's writings are really hard to understand when you're mental capacity is low.
There are changes I want to make, improvements. Like scheduling my day and trying to work out. Or working on the steps.
I'm finally on Step 12. (yay)
I wish I could feel more positive, be more positive, but this has been going on for months. And I'm tired, sick and sad.
All of this has brought up feelings of homesickness for the UK.
I'm feeling stuck. It's hard when people talk about following your dreams, because I so am not doing that right now. Hitting a brick wall at every turn.
I want something different, but I have no idea what. Plus, thinking and worrying about this while sick is not helpful.
I'm trying not to be Lot's wife, but dang, is it hard. This week marks 4 years since I came home from the UK. I miss it so. I feel like I have no purpose here.
I try to be thankful. I'm grateful for my apartment, for my landlords, for rainbows and birds on top of morning sun kissed trees. But when you wonder what the point is. Why am I going through this?
With me being so sick, I've missed work and I have no leave hours left, so money has been tight. Which just adds to the worries.
I went and saw the bishop last week, and there is some hope, but I missed church today and the sacrament. I honestly don't want to go.
Today it's too heavy.
There is so much to do, but I don't know where to start or how.
Sorry this is such a downer. Today I'm sad and tired and worried.
But here is a song of hope.
This illness is not going away.
I'm getting better, just not as fast as I would like.
It's frustrating. I'm tired, ill and can't eat hardly anything.
I try to eat something that sounds good and it bites me back.
I called my doctor and went to see a specialist. It didn't help that, while filling out the paperwork, anesthesia was mentioned and my dear brain started to freak out.
It's been freaking out a lot lately.
My anxiety's been coming in waves. I take a pill, I eat something, etc, and I get all nervous again.
I'm so tired.
The specialist basically said this is going to take time to heal.
Ugh.
Added to that, I've been having two or three user dreams every week. Really strong ones, where I wake up not knowing if this was real or just a dream. Stupid brain.
I haven't been keeping up with my scripture reading or journal writing. I feel too tired to do it.
Paul's writings are really hard to understand when you're mental capacity is low.
There are changes I want to make, improvements. Like scheduling my day and trying to work out. Or working on the steps.
I'm finally on Step 12. (yay)
I wish I could feel more positive, be more positive, but this has been going on for months. And I'm tired, sick and sad.
All of this has brought up feelings of homesickness for the UK.
I'm feeling stuck. It's hard when people talk about following your dreams, because I so am not doing that right now. Hitting a brick wall at every turn.
I want something different, but I have no idea what. Plus, thinking and worrying about this while sick is not helpful.
I'm trying not to be Lot's wife, but dang, is it hard. This week marks 4 years since I came home from the UK. I miss it so. I feel like I have no purpose here.
I try to be thankful. I'm grateful for my apartment, for my landlords, for rainbows and birds on top of morning sun kissed trees. But when you wonder what the point is. Why am I going through this?
With me being so sick, I've missed work and I have no leave hours left, so money has been tight. Which just adds to the worries.
I went and saw the bishop last week, and there is some hope, but I missed church today and the sacrament. I honestly don't want to go.
Today it's too heavy.
There is so much to do, but I don't know where to start or how.
Sorry this is such a downer. Today I'm sad and tired and worried.
But here is a song of hope.
Sunday, October 04, 2015
Conference was great!
Good news: I'm on the road to recovery!
This week was better than last.
Thanks to the wonders of modern medicine. It's taste awful, but it's working.
It's still been hard with feeling horrible, anxiety levels way high and barely able to deal with life, not to mention anything else.
And I couldn't concentrate on General conference. I did well for the Saturday Sessions, but today I was not paying attention.
My goal, then, is to read and listen to them again, closely. Because there are some answers I'm seeking and praying for.
Especially the "What Lack I yet?" Oh, that one is already bringing the guilt!
Now I'm tired and one of my goals is to be in bed by a good time.
I will try to write more later.
This week was better than last.
Thanks to the wonders of modern medicine. It's taste awful, but it's working.
It's still been hard with feeling horrible, anxiety levels way high and barely able to deal with life, not to mention anything else.
And I couldn't concentrate on General conference. I did well for the Saturday Sessions, but today I was not paying attention.
My goal, then, is to read and listen to them again, closely. Because there are some answers I'm seeking and praying for.
Especially the "What Lack I yet?" Oh, that one is already bringing the guilt!
Now I'm tired and one of my goals is to be in bed by a good time.
I will try to write more later.
Sunday, September 13, 2015
I'm still here
Hi there.
It's been a rough month, well, two months.
I'm grateful for the priesthood.
But the last couple months have me questioning myself. Why I'm here. Where I'm supposed to be.
What my future will be.
I finally made it to group on last week and it was wonderful. I've missed those dear sisters in recovery.
Today I'm feeling down. I missed church (I missed church last week due to illness) again today and, when I tried to find a church to take the sacrament, well, the parking lot was empty.
I'm frustrated and I know it's because I'm tired and just coming off an illness. Life stressed and money stresses are not helping.
So I will keep trying. At group I had inspiration to write down what I need to do and part of that is writing more in my journal. I've been holding things in and it is starting to show.
I'm also reading a great book Undoing Depression, which talks about how depression rewires the brain (sound familiar?) and that medication and therapy may not be enough. It's more like addiction recovery! I think I can do that. :)
I stayed up way too late to clean my house, but it does feel better.
Anyway, it will be okay.
I asked for a priesthood blessing last week and it was just what I needed. Heavenly Father knows me. Even though I'm feeling horribly alone and lost right now, I'm not. At least I have my Heavenly Father and my Savior on my side.
Someday I'll know why I'm having to go through this all.
One goal is to start praying now for answers in the next General Conference.
As TobyMac says "We lose our way, we get back up again."
I'm trying.
It's been a rough month, well, two months.
I'm grateful for the priesthood.
But the last couple months have me questioning myself. Why I'm here. Where I'm supposed to be.
What my future will be.
I finally made it to group on last week and it was wonderful. I've missed those dear sisters in recovery.
Today I'm feeling down. I missed church (I missed church last week due to illness) again today and, when I tried to find a church to take the sacrament, well, the parking lot was empty.
I'm frustrated and I know it's because I'm tired and just coming off an illness. Life stressed and money stresses are not helping.
So I will keep trying. At group I had inspiration to write down what I need to do and part of that is writing more in my journal. I've been holding things in and it is starting to show.
I'm also reading a great book Undoing Depression, which talks about how depression rewires the brain (sound familiar?) and that medication and therapy may not be enough. It's more like addiction recovery! I think I can do that. :)
I stayed up way too late to clean my house, but it does feel better.
Anyway, it will be okay.
I asked for a priesthood blessing last week and it was just what I needed. Heavenly Father knows me. Even though I'm feeling horribly alone and lost right now, I'm not. At least I have my Heavenly Father and my Savior on my side.
Someday I'll know why I'm having to go through this all.
One goal is to start praying now for answers in the next General Conference.
As TobyMac says "We lose our way, we get back up again."
I'm trying.
Sunday, July 12, 2015
A boat on the sea.
That's how I've been feeling the past couple weeks. Not a lost boat, but a boat bobbing up and down as it travels. High up on the waves and then down into the depths.
There have been good things. I got to see a dear recovery friend's wedding and see a very, very good film, InsideOut.
And then one of my relatives from my dad's side of the family showed up, which caused a lot of triggers and some panic attacks. That was "fun."
Added to that, my dad is trying to make contact again. He wants my phone number and I told my brother that I didn't want him to have it.
You know how in Step 8 the manual recalls the woman who is able to forgive her abusive father and be relived of her painful feelings?
I'm not there. I feel like I have forgiven him, but I also don't want him in my life. Because he pops in and out again when he feels like it and I don't want to go through that again. Because here I am going through this AGAIN.
Ugh.
Anyway, then there were hard days, but things started to look up. I went to spend the weekend with my family and, barring a mishap when I got wet when I didn't want to and I didn't react nicely, which caused some tension, but only briefly.
So last Monday I had a wonderful day. Work was good. I was getting on new meds that would help me, and I was feeling happy.
And then an unexpected expense hit and I floundered again.
The temptation to indulge in my addiction was back, because I knew it would help me feel better, with the addict part trying to forget that the feeling doesn't last!
I was mad at Heavenly Father too, because I don't feel like I've made any progress.
Just remember that depression lies. Addiction lies! Anxiety lies.
I was dealing with a lot of lies.
Added to this, was a post I put on Facebook that had people I thought friends attacking me.
I prayed. I found resources online to tell me that it is going to be okay. I watched videos of kitties and tigers. I played with my cats. I gave thanks for my cats. I accepted the moments of anxiety. I breathe. I tell myself it won't last and I keep walking.
I went to group last week, which was such a blessing. We read Step 2, Hope and I needed that message. Seriously, group is the BEST!
I take things easy. Although I still need to work on my sleep patterns.
And my brother gave me a blessing which really helped. It's gotten me through rough days this week.
I go outside at night and look at the stars and breathe and pause.
I am going to be okay. :)
I will keep fighting. I've learned that God can't help with all my battles (after all, He can't make phone calls, much though I wish He would ;) ), but He will help me during the fight.
Yes, I know Jesus loves me. Ups and downs are part of life. We have to keep sailing.
There have been good things. I got to see a dear recovery friend's wedding and see a very, very good film, InsideOut.
And then one of my relatives from my dad's side of the family showed up, which caused a lot of triggers and some panic attacks. That was "fun."
Added to that, my dad is trying to make contact again. He wants my phone number and I told my brother that I didn't want him to have it.
You know how in Step 8 the manual recalls the woman who is able to forgive her abusive father and be relived of her painful feelings?
I'm not there. I feel like I have forgiven him, but I also don't want him in my life. Because he pops in and out again when he feels like it and I don't want to go through that again. Because here I am going through this AGAIN.
Ugh.
Anyway, then there were hard days, but things started to look up. I went to spend the weekend with my family and, barring a mishap when I got wet when I didn't want to and I didn't react nicely, which caused some tension, but only briefly.
So last Monday I had a wonderful day. Work was good. I was getting on new meds that would help me, and I was feeling happy.
And then an unexpected expense hit and I floundered again.
The temptation to indulge in my addiction was back, because I knew it would help me feel better, with the addict part trying to forget that the feeling doesn't last!
I was mad at Heavenly Father too, because I don't feel like I've made any progress.
Just remember that depression lies. Addiction lies! Anxiety lies.
I was dealing with a lot of lies.
Added to this, was a post I put on Facebook that had people I thought friends attacking me.
I prayed. I found resources online to tell me that it is going to be okay. I watched videos of kitties and tigers. I played with my cats. I gave thanks for my cats. I accepted the moments of anxiety. I breathe. I tell myself it won't last and I keep walking.
I went to group last week, which was such a blessing. We read Step 2, Hope and I needed that message. Seriously, group is the BEST!
I take things easy. Although I still need to work on my sleep patterns.
And my brother gave me a blessing which really helped. It's gotten me through rough days this week.
I go outside at night and look at the stars and breathe and pause.
I am going to be okay. :)
I will keep fighting. I've learned that God can't help with all my battles (after all, He can't make phone calls, much though I wish He would ;) ), but He will help me during the fight.
Yes, I know Jesus loves me. Ups and downs are part of life. We have to keep sailing.
Saturday, June 20, 2015
Put one foot forward in faith. Then another.
The above quote is from Rosemary Wixom. It was on Facebook and I really liked it.
It's how I feel right now.
I'm still struggling. This last week was one of the roughest in a very long time. I've felt ill. I've felt depressed. I've felt overwhelmed. I've thrown up. I've wanted to give up and I've been scared and anxious.
Someone suddenly quit at work. Which added to my burdens there. And then there are hints, because I am struggling with being on time, that I might not get to keep my job! Just what I needed.
I've been sick, very sick and got a blessing. I'm feeling panicky, nervous, anxious, sad, and really nervous that I'm heading for a dark time like in the UK several years ago, where the only thing that got me through a day was listening to hymns and conference talks.
And then I get worried that I'll lose my job if I miss too much.
So I'm switching medications. Oh, it's been fun, a mix of headaches and anxiety, a lot of prayer involved. I finally figured out it was just my neck, not cancer like I was freaking out that it was. That's the fun with anxiety. Big worries with no basis in reality.
My brother is struggling with his addiction too. And this is affecting his marriage. And it's involving my family.
It's hard to not push and get involved, but step back and recognize that all you can do is bear your testimony and pray for him and his wife.
We each have to make the decision to be active in recovery.
My mom says to be active. To volunteer. The suggestion merely makes me feel overwhelmed. I should be writing in my journal every night. I should be exercising every day. I should be developing my talents.
And I want to curl up in bed and hide.
So I dragged myself to PASG group last night. Which was good, but this morning the feelings of loneliness overwhelmed me. I felt like I didn't have any friends. No one to rely on or turn to. I'm so tired of reaching out. Could someone, besides Heavenly Father, reach back?
I miss the UK. It's not going away and I admit that the UK is my go to escape place. The one place I think everything was perfect. Even though I know it wasn't perfect.
I'm lonely, I'm scared and I'm sad today.
The blessing I got last week used that phrase that bothers me "Heavenly Father is mindful of you." Mindful. Ugh! Mindful means "Bearing in mind" "Inclined to be aware." Not words that help me feel closer to my Father in Heaven.
And I know it's not Him. I know it's me. I'm struggling.
There are days I'm just glad I made it to work and fed myself.
Sorry this is so depressing. Someday, things will be better. I know that deep, deep down inside.
Today, though, I can't feel it.
So I'm going to clean my house. I'm going to go to Stake Conference. I will put one foot in front of the other and keep trying.
I may take a Social Media break. I'll see.
Today, I can make it through today.
It's how I feel right now.
I'm still struggling. This last week was one of the roughest in a very long time. I've felt ill. I've felt depressed. I've felt overwhelmed. I've thrown up. I've wanted to give up and I've been scared and anxious.
Someone suddenly quit at work. Which added to my burdens there. And then there are hints, because I am struggling with being on time, that I might not get to keep my job! Just what I needed.
I've been sick, very sick and got a blessing. I'm feeling panicky, nervous, anxious, sad, and really nervous that I'm heading for a dark time like in the UK several years ago, where the only thing that got me through a day was listening to hymns and conference talks.
And then I get worried that I'll lose my job if I miss too much.
So I'm switching medications. Oh, it's been fun, a mix of headaches and anxiety, a lot of prayer involved. I finally figured out it was just my neck, not cancer like I was freaking out that it was. That's the fun with anxiety. Big worries with no basis in reality.
My brother is struggling with his addiction too. And this is affecting his marriage. And it's involving my family.
It's hard to not push and get involved, but step back and recognize that all you can do is bear your testimony and pray for him and his wife.
We each have to make the decision to be active in recovery.
My mom says to be active. To volunteer. The suggestion merely makes me feel overwhelmed. I should be writing in my journal every night. I should be exercising every day. I should be developing my talents.
And I want to curl up in bed and hide.
So I dragged myself to PASG group last night. Which was good, but this morning the feelings of loneliness overwhelmed me. I felt like I didn't have any friends. No one to rely on or turn to. I'm so tired of reaching out. Could someone, besides Heavenly Father, reach back?
I miss the UK. It's not going away and I admit that the UK is my go to escape place. The one place I think everything was perfect. Even though I know it wasn't perfect.
I'm lonely, I'm scared and I'm sad today.
The blessing I got last week used that phrase that bothers me "Heavenly Father is mindful of you." Mindful. Ugh! Mindful means "Bearing in mind" "Inclined to be aware." Not words that help me feel closer to my Father in Heaven.
And I know it's not Him. I know it's me. I'm struggling.
There are days I'm just glad I made it to work and fed myself.
Sorry this is so depressing. Someday, things will be better. I know that deep, deep down inside.
Today, though, I can't feel it.
So I'm going to clean my house. I'm going to go to Stake Conference. I will put one foot in front of the other and keep trying.
I may take a Social Media break. I'll see.
Today, I can make it through today.
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