I had surgery a month ago. My first (and hopefully my last). The other night at ARP meeting, I had a revelation of sorts.
I've been in recovery since 2011 and this month marks my seventh anniversary! Go, me!
It was "minor" surgery, but it was hard. Medical fears are one of my anxiety triggers. I have felt peace beyond understanding, but also moments of extreme anxiety and panic. Great waves.
But I survived. It's been a difficult time. More depression. More anxiety. Pain at the surgery sight. Getting over the anesthesia... it took longer than I thought. When my surgeon said I'd be able to go back to work right after... I believed him. And he was right, but not entirely. I did go back to work, but I also couldn't work full days and had to take lots of naps.
I'm still recovering in a lot of ways...but I can do more each day.
A lot like addiction recovery!
When I started the ARP program, I thought it would be 12 steps in 12 weeks and I would be "fixed."
Instead, it's been seven years! It's wonderful, because I've been healed, not merely fixed.
But it took (a lot) longer than I thought and it was painful... very painful.
However, though my arm hurts since the surgery, it doesn't hurt as bad as it did before the operation. That was a lot sharp pain.
I knew addiction recovery would be painful... and it was... but it was a lighter pain than when I was an addict. Does that make sense? It's been hard and it's hurt, but it's a healing hurt... not a bottomless, deep hurt.
I admit that I'm missing my addiction this week. With my struggles with mental health, the desire to escape into fantasy have been there, a lot more than usual. But I know it wouldn't help. Reality would still be there.
So that's my great realization.
Recovery from addiction isn't easy. It's hard. It's painful. But it's worth it. Because the pain hiding underneath is much worse than the pain of the healing process.
Showing posts with label pornography addiction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pornography addiction. Show all posts
Sunday, March 18, 2018
Sunday, October 22, 2017
ARP is about more than addiction
The past couple months have been crazy! Not "I ended up in the hospital" crazy, but crazy. God decided to answer my long standing prayers to find a new place to live in one weekend. With 15 days to move! And it was hard.
I had to say goodbye to a place I've lived for two years! A ward I loved and people I considered friends.... and then things didn't end well with my landlady. Which also hurt.
I thought moving would fix everything and I found myself feeling depressed and anxious and still being late for work. My body was trying to deal with the sudden change, and the difficulty of that last day and I was starting therapy...
This week has been hard emotionally. I felt that I needed help, only to be asked to wait for a leadership meeting to be over. There are a lot of stresses and I've had some horrible user dreams.
But I did realize that the ARP program is not just about addiction.
I've started a new ARP manual and as I was reading Step 1, I realized that I could replace addiction with anxiety or depression and it was still true. I was being prideful, I was not being honest with myself and I was struggling.
I need to write and get a lot of this out, because keeping it inside is making my emotional state wobble and crash.
I do love that I have another resource for recovery from my mental hurts, the manual. So my goal today is to answer one question from the Study & Understanding section in Step 1.
Wish me luck.
I had to say goodbye to a place I've lived for two years! A ward I loved and people I considered friends.... and then things didn't end well with my landlady. Which also hurt.
I thought moving would fix everything and I found myself feeling depressed and anxious and still being late for work. My body was trying to deal with the sudden change, and the difficulty of that last day and I was starting therapy...
This week has been hard emotionally. I felt that I needed help, only to be asked to wait for a leadership meeting to be over. There are a lot of stresses and I've had some horrible user dreams.
But I did realize that the ARP program is not just about addiction.
I've started a new ARP manual and as I was reading Step 1, I realized that I could replace addiction with anxiety or depression and it was still true. I was being prideful, I was not being honest with myself and I was struggling.
I need to write and get a lot of this out, because keeping it inside is making my emotional state wobble and crash.
I do love that I have another resource for recovery from my mental hurts, the manual. So my goal today is to answer one question from the Study & Understanding section in Step 1.
Wish me luck.
Sunday, January 01, 2017
Happy New Year!
I started this blog post a few weeks ago and it was pretty bleak. 2016 has been hard. Add to that the deaths of Carrie Fisher, one of my heroes, and it really hit me hard.
I am so tired.
I've agreed to write a book for an editor friend and it's way overdue. I said I would get some chapters to them after Thanksgiving and I... am still working on it. But I need the money, because I have a two hour commute each day. It's less if I drive, but then I can't work on the book if I drive and driving stresses me out and uses up gas money.
I got massively ill the week of the election and spent the night of the election pacing my landlady's basement, having huge, massive anxiety attacks. So I missed two days of work at a job I just started. Then, because of the fallout from the election I got to go on anxiety meds which exhaust me.
So my typical day is barely making it to work on time (my boss is so, so understanding, but there's also that fear that they're not really and one day they'll just fire me like my last two jobs this year), working, barely seeing the sun, traveling home in the dark, and finally getting home after 10+ hours away from home.
My house is messy. I put up my Christmas tree a week before Christmas. A couple weeks before, I hurriedly put up a few decorations and my nativity, just to try and feel the Christmas spirit... it hasn't really worked. The holidays felt rushed, my anxiety is through the roof and I've been getting into political arguments on Facebook and was accused by a friend that I was calling her racist... so I think I've lost some friendships over that.
Spending 5 days with my family was great and nice and fun and horrible and lonely and so stressful.
Yesterday, I cried. It was New Year's Eve and no one called to invite me over. I realize how often we forget the single people in the church. I don't mean widows or widowers or divorcees... I mean me. Those of us who have never been married. Who have to sit through church hearing about how to raise a family, or how to apply this lesson to our kids.
I was lonely and stressed and I just wanted someone to reach out to let me know I was remembered. It was a friend from the UK who messaged me a sweet Scottish poem about the New year and I cried. I cried because I miss Scotland. I miss my friends there. The members of the church who did not let me fall through the cracks. Ugh. Honestly, I'm so tired of walking through this desert.
But it's a new year and, as one of my favorite songs, says "Yesterday's a closing door, you don't live there anymore" it's onward and upward. I've accepted that, barring angelic manifestation and possibly a heavenly sign, I'm alone for 2017. Oh, I'm avoiding Single Adult activities like the plague! It's rather like I'm daring Heavenly Father for a miracle. :)
I want to move closer to work, which I will start working on once the dang book is finished.
I will to exercise daily, even if it's only 10 minutes on the thingy in the basement.
In other good news, I'm seeing a counselor for free this week. I do love my job.
I worry that I'm sabotaging myself, but I'm also asking for Heavenly Father's help. I feel hopeful for 2017. It will be hard to leave where I live now, but I also feel that pull to move on. I really, really miss the sun.
To end, new year, new beginnings. But every day can be a new beginning. Also, I'm finally answering some questions on Step 12!! YAY! It's a New Year's miracle!
It will be okay in the end. Trust in God.
Happy New Year!
I am so tired.
I've agreed to write a book for an editor friend and it's way overdue. I said I would get some chapters to them after Thanksgiving and I... am still working on it. But I need the money, because I have a two hour commute each day. It's less if I drive, but then I can't work on the book if I drive and driving stresses me out and uses up gas money.
I got massively ill the week of the election and spent the night of the election pacing my landlady's basement, having huge, massive anxiety attacks. So I missed two days of work at a job I just started. Then, because of the fallout from the election I got to go on anxiety meds which exhaust me.
So my typical day is barely making it to work on time (my boss is so, so understanding, but there's also that fear that they're not really and one day they'll just fire me like my last two jobs this year), working, barely seeing the sun, traveling home in the dark, and finally getting home after 10+ hours away from home.
My house is messy. I put up my Christmas tree a week before Christmas. A couple weeks before, I hurriedly put up a few decorations and my nativity, just to try and feel the Christmas spirit... it hasn't really worked. The holidays felt rushed, my anxiety is through the roof and I've been getting into political arguments on Facebook and was accused by a friend that I was calling her racist... so I think I've lost some friendships over that.
Spending 5 days with my family was great and nice and fun and horrible and lonely and so stressful.
Yesterday, I cried. It was New Year's Eve and no one called to invite me over. I realize how often we forget the single people in the church. I don't mean widows or widowers or divorcees... I mean me. Those of us who have never been married. Who have to sit through church hearing about how to raise a family, or how to apply this lesson to our kids.
I was lonely and stressed and I just wanted someone to reach out to let me know I was remembered. It was a friend from the UK who messaged me a sweet Scottish poem about the New year and I cried. I cried because I miss Scotland. I miss my friends there. The members of the church who did not let me fall through the cracks. Ugh. Honestly, I'm so tired of walking through this desert.
But it's a new year and, as one of my favorite songs, says "Yesterday's a closing door, you don't live there anymore" it's onward and upward. I've accepted that, barring angelic manifestation and possibly a heavenly sign, I'm alone for 2017. Oh, I'm avoiding Single Adult activities like the plague! It's rather like I'm daring Heavenly Father for a miracle. :)
I want to move closer to work, which I will start working on once the dang book is finished.
I will to exercise daily, even if it's only 10 minutes on the thingy in the basement.
In other good news, I'm seeing a counselor for free this week. I do love my job.
I worry that I'm sabotaging myself, but I'm also asking for Heavenly Father's help. I feel hopeful for 2017. It will be hard to leave where I live now, but I also feel that pull to move on. I really, really miss the sun.
To end, new year, new beginnings. But every day can be a new beginning. Also, I'm finally answering some questions on Step 12!! YAY! It's a New Year's miracle!
It will be okay in the end. Trust in God.
Happy New Year!
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Up, down and all around
Hi! I haven't posted in the last few weeks because, well... life.
I lost my job after only two months and struggled with being out of work again. There wasn't the cushion of money and, honestly, losing two jobs in five months is not great on the self-esteem.
So I went back to job hunting. It was hard and I struggled with anxiety and depression and triggers.
I was definitely having many Children of Israel "moments" where I worried that nothing good was coming.
But it has come! I have a job! A career that I am sure I will love. Interestingly enough, it came the week I've struggled very hard with my triggers.
It started with a British show that I had chosen not to watch when it aired last year, for various reasons, but was curious enough to rent it from my library before the new series aired... and it turns out I should have listened to that original prompting.
It wasn't a explicit show, in fact, it was actually tame, but I ended up watching six hours straight, staying up until 5am, which is not good to do the week before you start a new job, but what was unexpected was the longing that the main male character brought out in me. There were a lot of intense emotions.
The main character is played by a very beautiful man and the character in the story is a good guy too... stands up for the weak, etc. And suddenly I was dealing with feelings of passion and longing and desire that I had not felt in, well, over two years. My heart was broken and I realize now, that I shut down my heart and those natural desires. I am social, but I've avoided the local Single Adult group like it was infested with the plague. If God wanted me to meet someone, it was going to involve a high amount of Divine intervention.
Now here I was, early in the morning after spending six hours intensely involved in a tv show, feeling all these emotions and desires that were triggering and I was being triggered. I found myself looking up the actor, which used to be a prelude to indulging in my fantasy addiction. I stopped. Also, I've been triggering all week. As I was driving to Group this week, I realized that what I was feeling wasn't bad or wrong! These are natural feelings and emotions. It was how I needed to deal with them. Limerence, love, passion, desire... are normal! I had taken them and distorted them. Then, the big reveal happened... this was happening because Heavenly Father wants me to learn how to "bridle my passions" for a future relationship. (Not that I have any idea how far away this future is... it could be years)... so that revelation led to my realization that I had tampered all romantic emotions. Honestly, my first reaction was ugh. I do not feel at all ready or even willing for this. It brings up a lot of deep-seated fears about intimacy and marriage that I've struggled with for years. But I will soldier through. A friend in group sent me a couple great articles on this topic. I might share these later.
One of the hardest parts from this week was reading articles posted by a Mormon on sex and porn addictions being myths. That is a whole other blog post, which I hope to write soon. Still, with that temptation there... and the idea that it isn't a "real"addiction... that created a whole new issue and trigger.
BUT I resisted! Prayer helped a lot. I reached out to my Heavenly Father constantly. I look forward to learning more about myself and how to control my emotions and passions. Because what I feel isn't a sin! All this will be okay. I have my PASG group. I have my defenses and actions. I have my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost cheering me on.
I lost my job after only two months and struggled with being out of work again. There wasn't the cushion of money and, honestly, losing two jobs in five months is not great on the self-esteem.
So I went back to job hunting. It was hard and I struggled with anxiety and depression and triggers.
I was definitely having many Children of Israel "moments" where I worried that nothing good was coming.
But it has come! I have a job! A career that I am sure I will love. Interestingly enough, it came the week I've struggled very hard with my triggers.
It started with a British show that I had chosen not to watch when it aired last year, for various reasons, but was curious enough to rent it from my library before the new series aired... and it turns out I should have listened to that original prompting.
It wasn't a explicit show, in fact, it was actually tame, but I ended up watching six hours straight, staying up until 5am, which is not good to do the week before you start a new job, but what was unexpected was the longing that the main male character brought out in me. There were a lot of intense emotions.
The main character is played by a very beautiful man and the character in the story is a good guy too... stands up for the weak, etc. And suddenly I was dealing with feelings of passion and longing and desire that I had not felt in, well, over two years. My heart was broken and I realize now, that I shut down my heart and those natural desires. I am social, but I've avoided the local Single Adult group like it was infested with the plague. If God wanted me to meet someone, it was going to involve a high amount of Divine intervention.
Now here I was, early in the morning after spending six hours intensely involved in a tv show, feeling all these emotions and desires that were triggering and I was being triggered. I found myself looking up the actor, which used to be a prelude to indulging in my fantasy addiction. I stopped. Also, I've been triggering all week. As I was driving to Group this week, I realized that what I was feeling wasn't bad or wrong! These are natural feelings and emotions. It was how I needed to deal with them. Limerence, love, passion, desire... are normal! I had taken them and distorted them. Then, the big reveal happened... this was happening because Heavenly Father wants me to learn how to "bridle my passions" for a future relationship. (Not that I have any idea how far away this future is... it could be years)... so that revelation led to my realization that I had tampered all romantic emotions. Honestly, my first reaction was ugh. I do not feel at all ready or even willing for this. It brings up a lot of deep-seated fears about intimacy and marriage that I've struggled with for years. But I will soldier through. A friend in group sent me a couple great articles on this topic. I might share these later.
One of the hardest parts from this week was reading articles posted by a Mormon on sex and porn addictions being myths. That is a whole other blog post, which I hope to write soon. Still, with that temptation there... and the idea that it isn't a "real"addiction... that created a whole new issue and trigger.
BUT I resisted! Prayer helped a lot. I reached out to my Heavenly Father constantly. I look forward to learning more about myself and how to control my emotions and passions. Because what I feel isn't a sin! All this will be okay. I have my PASG group. I have my defenses and actions. I have my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost cheering me on.
Sunday, June 05, 2016
Thoughts and happenings (it's getting better)
In the past two weeks, I've forked out money for a cat that somehow got grass up his nose and then I severely injured my foot...
Money worries, cat worries, and a foot I can't use did not make the last couple weeks easier. The addition of some more rejection emails and a phone call did not help. Honestly, I felt very down.
I've been going to church, but, honestly, just because I know I should. I'm not paying attention or listening at lot. Which is not good, but I do not feel connected.
But that has changed.
I have a job! A real career like job that I think I will love doing. I am so excited about it. A great weight has been lifted! Plus, I had to turn down this other job that I really, really didn't want. That was a great feeling.
The Lord is truly blessing me.
I was thinking about it and realized that it was because I was working for it. And I learned this by working at recovery.
I thought of all the times, when I was an addict, that I knelt and prayed for forgiveness. I cried and I prayed and I did okay for a while, until I found myself in the same position again.
After starting recovery, I realized it was because I wasn't working toward change. Yes, I would sincerely repent, but I kept reading the same books (or, usually, skipping the bad parts for awhile), indulging in fantasy, watching certain scenes in films... and fueling my fantasy with music. I wasn't changing anything, but expecting different results.
Once I started working on recovery, sacrificing and replacing my addiction with healthier ways of coping, then I began to succeed in recovery! And I learned more. I realized that my fantasies were not innocent and gave those up. I gave up certain music (goodbye Maroon 5) and movies... and books!
And my addiction has gradually lost power over me. I am becoming a non-addict with risk factors!
So, when I lost my job.... I could have given in to my addiction (I've had several user dreams... ugh), which was a stronger voice than I anticipated, and just given up. Sat down and waited for the Lord to bless me. But, I found as I was turning myself to God, and working toward my goal of getting a job. I sent out so many applications... sooo many! I prayed, but I also worked on it. The results weren't instant, but they came.
Because God loves me. He loves you and He wants to help us succeed.
We just have to keep pressing forward and reaching for Him.
Money worries, cat worries, and a foot I can't use did not make the last couple weeks easier. The addition of some more rejection emails and a phone call did not help. Honestly, I felt very down.
I've been going to church, but, honestly, just because I know I should. I'm not paying attention or listening at lot. Which is not good, but I do not feel connected.
But that has changed.
I have a job! A real career like job that I think I will love doing. I am so excited about it. A great weight has been lifted! Plus, I had to turn down this other job that I really, really didn't want. That was a great feeling.
The Lord is truly blessing me.
I was thinking about it and realized that it was because I was working for it. And I learned this by working at recovery.
I thought of all the times, when I was an addict, that I knelt and prayed for forgiveness. I cried and I prayed and I did okay for a while, until I found myself in the same position again.
After starting recovery, I realized it was because I wasn't working toward change. Yes, I would sincerely repent, but I kept reading the same books (or, usually, skipping the bad parts for awhile), indulging in fantasy, watching certain scenes in films... and fueling my fantasy with music. I wasn't changing anything, but expecting different results.
Once I started working on recovery, sacrificing and replacing my addiction with healthier ways of coping, then I began to succeed in recovery! And I learned more. I realized that my fantasies were not innocent and gave those up. I gave up certain music (goodbye Maroon 5) and movies... and books!
And my addiction has gradually lost power over me. I am becoming a non-addict with risk factors!
So, when I lost my job.... I could have given in to my addiction (I've had several user dreams... ugh), which was a stronger voice than I anticipated, and just given up. Sat down and waited for the Lord to bless me. But, I found as I was turning myself to God, and working toward my goal of getting a job. I sent out so many applications... sooo many! I prayed, but I also worked on it. The results weren't instant, but they came.
Because God loves me. He loves you and He wants to help us succeed.
We just have to keep pressing forward and reaching for Him.
Sunday, March 27, 2016
What the heck?!
Life has been hard lately - which is par for the course.
I hope that I'm dealing with it better, learning to take care of myself and not use shame to berate myself for not being perfect every day. To be enough and see what I have accomplished every day.
Depression and addiction are daily battles.
So yesterday I spent some time with friends and treated myself to a new necklace.
I'm learning to bake and will attempt to make my own almond milk soon.
It's been a rough week, partly because of something unexpected that happened.
I'm attending a Pornography Treatment Workshop that LDS Family Services offers. I was hesitant because, well, I'm in recovery for 5 years and this seems more geared to those just introduced to recovery. My counselor and I thought it was a good idea to help me boost my recovery skills and help with my depression by learning new things and giving service to others.
I was just starting to feel that I was contributing and also gaining a lot from the weekly sessions.
Then...
Two things. 1) It's a joke that every new ARP Group I attend has someone I know there. My very first ARP Meeting started this. Since I moved down to UT, that hasn't been the case...
2) I've never felt a desire to reveal myself as a Sex addict. I have prayed about it, but I don't feel it's time. One reason is that I am more than my addiction and I don't think it would be beneficial to announce it. Although I'm sure people can figure it out. :) (that's not to say it isn't a good thing to do - it's just not right for me)
So I'm sitting in our class and we're about 15 minutes into it. We were discussing Elder Faust's talk on the Atonement from Oct 2001. A talk that gave me hope at a very dark time of my life. I'd messed up the night before (my euphemism for masturbation) and was feeling very unworthy and dirty and hopeless. His talk gave me hope. It's always held a special place in my heart. It only took 9 more years for me to start recovery! ha ha ha.
Anyway, I'd just shared this story when there was knock on the door. And in walked one of my coworkers. For an internship.
Honestly, I started censoring myself. It was funny in a small way, but I still felt... odd and uncomfortable. I knew it wasn't because I was afraid of this person tattling on me. She is not like that. It wasn't until I was texting a fellow PASG friend that I realized why... because it wasn't my choice. My addiction was revealed without my having the choice to reveal it. Also, and this is the biggest issue... this is not a fellow addict. In previous groups, I felt comfortable meeting people I knew because they were having the same struggles I was. But this co worker is an intern and now she knows one of my deepest struggles. Nothing's changed at work... She hasn't said anything about it. Very nice. But I'm still not entirely comfortable with her yet.
Sigh.
The cowardly part of me wants to never go back, but I will. Running away accomplishes so little.
Plus, the damage is already done. ;)
Finally, a very happy Easter to you all! I have spent a very nice day pretty much alone and it's actually been very nice. I'm also working on scheduling my days out. Today I have cooked dinner! It was very good. And now I'm going to index and then bed. I've had several user dreams lately and I know it's due to lack of sleep with the additional stress. That is on my to-do list too - get enough sleep!
Remember that you and I are not alone, because the Savior is there. He walked alone, so we don't have to now.
I hope that I'm dealing with it better, learning to take care of myself and not use shame to berate myself for not being perfect every day. To be enough and see what I have accomplished every day.
Depression and addiction are daily battles.
So yesterday I spent some time with friends and treated myself to a new necklace.
I'm learning to bake and will attempt to make my own almond milk soon.
It's been a rough week, partly because of something unexpected that happened.
I'm attending a Pornography Treatment Workshop that LDS Family Services offers. I was hesitant because, well, I'm in recovery for 5 years and this seems more geared to those just introduced to recovery. My counselor and I thought it was a good idea to help me boost my recovery skills and help with my depression by learning new things and giving service to others.
I was just starting to feel that I was contributing and also gaining a lot from the weekly sessions.
Then...
Two things. 1) It's a joke that every new ARP Group I attend has someone I know there. My very first ARP Meeting started this. Since I moved down to UT, that hasn't been the case...
2) I've never felt a desire to reveal myself as a Sex addict. I have prayed about it, but I don't feel it's time. One reason is that I am more than my addiction and I don't think it would be beneficial to announce it. Although I'm sure people can figure it out. :) (that's not to say it isn't a good thing to do - it's just not right for me)
So I'm sitting in our class and we're about 15 minutes into it. We were discussing Elder Faust's talk on the Atonement from Oct 2001. A talk that gave me hope at a very dark time of my life. I'd messed up the night before (my euphemism for masturbation) and was feeling very unworthy and dirty and hopeless. His talk gave me hope. It's always held a special place in my heart. It only took 9 more years for me to start recovery! ha ha ha.
Anyway, I'd just shared this story when there was knock on the door. And in walked one of my coworkers. For an internship.
Honestly, I started censoring myself. It was funny in a small way, but I still felt... odd and uncomfortable. I knew it wasn't because I was afraid of this person tattling on me. She is not like that. It wasn't until I was texting a fellow PASG friend that I realized why... because it wasn't my choice. My addiction was revealed without my having the choice to reveal it. Also, and this is the biggest issue... this is not a fellow addict. In previous groups, I felt comfortable meeting people I knew because they were having the same struggles I was. But this co worker is an intern and now she knows one of my deepest struggles. Nothing's changed at work... She hasn't said anything about it. Very nice. But I'm still not entirely comfortable with her yet.
Sigh.
The cowardly part of me wants to never go back, but I will. Running away accomplishes so little.
Plus, the damage is already done. ;)
Finally, a very happy Easter to you all! I have spent a very nice day pretty much alone and it's actually been very nice. I'm also working on scheduling my days out. Today I have cooked dinner! It was very good. And now I'm going to index and then bed. I've had several user dreams lately and I know it's due to lack of sleep with the additional stress. That is on my to-do list too - get enough sleep!
Remember that you and I are not alone, because the Savior is there. He walked alone, so we don't have to now.
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Recovery, anniversaries and stupid decisions
I saw this last year on Facebook post and I love it. It's TRUE!
I laugh and I nod, because I do make bad decisions.
Today I am definitely feeling the result of my stupid decisions.
Going through this illness, I've realized, is a lot like recovery. I'll get to that in a bit.
My 5th Anniversary of starting recovery is next month. I don't pay attention to dates and I wasn't keeping a journal at the time. Still working on consistent writing....
But February was my dark month five years ago and it was toward the end of February I made an appointment with my bishop... and now here I am.
I'm in a PTW group that meets once a week at the local LDS Family Services. Oh, my word, I love that place. My counselor is great and after only one week, I think I'm excited to see where the PTW group takes me. I feel I need to be reminded of where I've been and what I've learned.
Anyway, this week, I ate some food I shouldn't have, but I kept eating it because it was just so good. But instead of giving myself a break in between eating these foods, I ate them 3 days in a row. Just one meal, but it was a bad decision and this weekend I'm paying for it. I've been sleepy and sick and so, so panicky (hasn't that been so fun). I had all these things I planned to do and I've done nothing because I have to take time to recover. My body is forcing me to recover.
Which is a lot like my addiction was. I still have to avoid certain books and shows and music (though, honestly I don't think I'm missing much) because I know that they will trigger temptations and a desire to return "one more time." Because I do miss my fantasy world.
A lot has happened since my last blog post. Some big things have gone down at work and stressed me out and led me to question what the heck I'm doing and what the Lord wants from me.
I've had a couple lovely blessings and I'm scheduled to get one tonight because I can't miss anymore work.
We keep on fighting, we keep pressing forward and we don't eat/consume what we shouldn't! :)
So as I curl up with my lovely almond milk and some dark chocolate, I hope you know I pray for you all.
Love, from me.
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Addiction in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
I love RL Stevenson. He's one of my favorite authors.
In fact, I read The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde a few months before I had my rock bottom moment that started me on recovery over four years ago. The story stuck with me. In fact, while I was writing after my first slip, I mentioned it in a Study and Understanding section. How I felt like Hyde was out and wouldn't go back in.
A year ago, I decided to read it again, and I got an audiobook version to listen to while driving.
Listening to it, I had a realization! It's a story of addiction!
Spoilers, if you've never read the story. (PS Don't watch TV versions of it. They usually have a sexual aspect which is not in the book.)
Dr. Jekyll is an upstanding man, but, he reveals to his friend, he wanted to be able to commit sin without remorse!
"If each, I told myself, could but be housed in separate identities, life would be relieved of all that was unbearable; the unjust delivered from the aspirations might go his way, and remorse of his more upright twin; and the just could walk steadfastly and securely on his upward path, doing the good things in which he found his pleasure, and no longer exposed to disgrace and penitence by the hands of this extraneous evil.”
Sound familiar?
Jekyll creates a drug to bring out the evil/immoral side of him. He becomes Mr. Hyde. Mr. Hyde knocks down and steps on a small child. Later, he murders someone. Yet he shows no remorse. Hyde is purely the immoral aspect of man.
At the end of the story, Jekyll recounts how, when he tried to stop becoming Mr. Hyde, he couldn't! Then Hyde begins coming out at will. No more drugs needed. And the drink that Jekyll used to stop Hyde ceases to work. Knowing he has no control, Jekyll becomes Mr. Hyde and commits suicide.
As I was listening to this, I realized how much Hyde is addiction. It starts out as curiosity, or blatant rebellion. Then, once we're hooked, there is a part of us that wants to indulge in the addiction without consequence or remorse. And then we find ourselves giving in more and more. We can't stop and, eventually, the addiction takes over our lives and we are trapped. If we don't seek help, we know there is a real possibility of death.
However, sad as Jekyll's end is, WE have the option of turning to Heavenly Father. We don't need salts or drinks. :)
We believe that we can be healed from the damage of addiction and that our Heavenly Father does this for us.
There is hope even in the darkest moments.
In fact, I read The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde a few months before I had my rock bottom moment that started me on recovery over four years ago. The story stuck with me. In fact, while I was writing after my first slip, I mentioned it in a Study and Understanding section. How I felt like Hyde was out and wouldn't go back in.
A year ago, I decided to read it again, and I got an audiobook version to listen to while driving.
Listening to it, I had a realization! It's a story of addiction!
Spoilers, if you've never read the story. (PS Don't watch TV versions of it. They usually have a sexual aspect which is not in the book.)
Dr. Jekyll is an upstanding man, but, he reveals to his friend, he wanted to be able to commit sin without remorse!
"If each, I told myself, could but be housed in separate identities, life would be relieved of all that was unbearable; the unjust delivered from the aspirations might go his way, and remorse of his more upright twin; and the just could walk steadfastly and securely on his upward path, doing the good things in which he found his pleasure, and no longer exposed to disgrace and penitence by the hands of this extraneous evil.”
Sound familiar?
Jekyll creates a drug to bring out the evil/immoral side of him. He becomes Mr. Hyde. Mr. Hyde knocks down and steps on a small child. Later, he murders someone. Yet he shows no remorse. Hyde is purely the immoral aspect of man.
At the end of the story, Jekyll recounts how, when he tried to stop becoming Mr. Hyde, he couldn't! Then Hyde begins coming out at will. No more drugs needed. And the drink that Jekyll used to stop Hyde ceases to work. Knowing he has no control, Jekyll becomes Mr. Hyde and commits suicide.
As I was listening to this, I realized how much Hyde is addiction. It starts out as curiosity, or blatant rebellion. Then, once we're hooked, there is a part of us that wants to indulge in the addiction without consequence or remorse. And then we find ourselves giving in more and more. We can't stop and, eventually, the addiction takes over our lives and we are trapped. If we don't seek help, we know there is a real possibility of death.
However, sad as Jekyll's end is, WE have the option of turning to Heavenly Father. We don't need salts or drinks. :)
We believe that we can be healed from the damage of addiction and that our Heavenly Father does this for us.
There is hope even in the darkest moments.
Sunday, October 18, 2015
It's too heavy
Good thing: I finally was able to go to group last week. I missed the reading, but I was there for the sharing. Which was really good, but I was exhausted afterward.
This illness is not going away.
I'm getting better, just not as fast as I would like.
It's frustrating. I'm tired, ill and can't eat hardly anything.
I try to eat something that sounds good and it bites me back.
I called my doctor and went to see a specialist. It didn't help that, while filling out the paperwork, anesthesia was mentioned and my dear brain started to freak out.
It's been freaking out a lot lately.
My anxiety's been coming in waves. I take a pill, I eat something, etc, and I get all nervous again.
I'm so tired.
The specialist basically said this is going to take time to heal.
Ugh.
Added to that, I've been having two or three user dreams every week. Really strong ones, where I wake up not knowing if this was real or just a dream. Stupid brain.
I haven't been keeping up with my scripture reading or journal writing. I feel too tired to do it.
Paul's writings are really hard to understand when you're mental capacity is low.
There are changes I want to make, improvements. Like scheduling my day and trying to work out. Or working on the steps.
I'm finally on Step 12. (yay)
I wish I could feel more positive, be more positive, but this has been going on for months. And I'm tired, sick and sad.
All of this has brought up feelings of homesickness for the UK.
I'm feeling stuck. It's hard when people talk about following your dreams, because I so am not doing that right now. Hitting a brick wall at every turn.
I want something different, but I have no idea what. Plus, thinking and worrying about this while sick is not helpful.
I'm trying not to be Lot's wife, but dang, is it hard. This week marks 4 years since I came home from the UK. I miss it so. I feel like I have no purpose here.
I try to be thankful. I'm grateful for my apartment, for my landlords, for rainbows and birds on top of morning sun kissed trees. But when you wonder what the point is. Why am I going through this?
With me being so sick, I've missed work and I have no leave hours left, so money has been tight. Which just adds to the worries.
I went and saw the bishop last week, and there is some hope, but I missed church today and the sacrament. I honestly don't want to go.
Today it's too heavy.
There is so much to do, but I don't know where to start or how.
Sorry this is such a downer. Today I'm sad and tired and worried.
But here is a song of hope.
This illness is not going away.
I'm getting better, just not as fast as I would like.
It's frustrating. I'm tired, ill and can't eat hardly anything.
I try to eat something that sounds good and it bites me back.
I called my doctor and went to see a specialist. It didn't help that, while filling out the paperwork, anesthesia was mentioned and my dear brain started to freak out.
It's been freaking out a lot lately.
My anxiety's been coming in waves. I take a pill, I eat something, etc, and I get all nervous again.
I'm so tired.
The specialist basically said this is going to take time to heal.
Ugh.
Added to that, I've been having two or three user dreams every week. Really strong ones, where I wake up not knowing if this was real or just a dream. Stupid brain.
I haven't been keeping up with my scripture reading or journal writing. I feel too tired to do it.
Paul's writings are really hard to understand when you're mental capacity is low.
There are changes I want to make, improvements. Like scheduling my day and trying to work out. Or working on the steps.
I'm finally on Step 12. (yay)
I wish I could feel more positive, be more positive, but this has been going on for months. And I'm tired, sick and sad.
All of this has brought up feelings of homesickness for the UK.
I'm feeling stuck. It's hard when people talk about following your dreams, because I so am not doing that right now. Hitting a brick wall at every turn.
I want something different, but I have no idea what. Plus, thinking and worrying about this while sick is not helpful.
I'm trying not to be Lot's wife, but dang, is it hard. This week marks 4 years since I came home from the UK. I miss it so. I feel like I have no purpose here.
I try to be thankful. I'm grateful for my apartment, for my landlords, for rainbows and birds on top of morning sun kissed trees. But when you wonder what the point is. Why am I going through this?
With me being so sick, I've missed work and I have no leave hours left, so money has been tight. Which just adds to the worries.
I went and saw the bishop last week, and there is some hope, but I missed church today and the sacrament. I honestly don't want to go.
Today it's too heavy.
There is so much to do, but I don't know where to start or how.
Sorry this is such a downer. Today I'm sad and tired and worried.
But here is a song of hope.
Sunday, September 27, 2015
There's gotta be a point to this.... please
Today.
Today is hard.
This whole week has been a trial.
Ha.
These past two months have been a trial.
I'm tired. I've been having panic attacks all day.
I've felt weak and ill.
Totally freaked out.
Last Sunday I started feeling sick after church and then it hit full force on Monday.
After I got some bad news on Monday about work and my pay.
I went home early and was up most of that night. I figured it was food poisoning.
Missed work Tuesday, started feeling better that night and then was up again.
So Wednesday I went to see my doctor.
It's not food poisoning.
I've missed a lot of work. I have no idea how to make ends meet.
Two Priesthood blessings have helped, but not healed like I hoped (as in instant, or at least overnight).
Two user dreams this week as well. Very real and very troubling.
BUT I finally got to take the sacrament today!
I have a kitty curled up on my leg.
Inside, I feel things will get better. That I will make it through this.
Casting Crowns came out with a new song and I love it.
It came on the radio the other day when I was feeling so lost and alone.
Stop holding on and just be held.
My addiction won't beat me. Neither will my depression.
I'll overcome the lies.
Just as soon as I feel up to it....
Saturday, June 20, 2015
Put one foot forward in faith. Then another.
The above quote is from Rosemary Wixom. It was on Facebook and I really liked it.
It's how I feel right now.
I'm still struggling. This last week was one of the roughest in a very long time. I've felt ill. I've felt depressed. I've felt overwhelmed. I've thrown up. I've wanted to give up and I've been scared and anxious.
Someone suddenly quit at work. Which added to my burdens there. And then there are hints, because I am struggling with being on time, that I might not get to keep my job! Just what I needed.
I've been sick, very sick and got a blessing. I'm feeling panicky, nervous, anxious, sad, and really nervous that I'm heading for a dark time like in the UK several years ago, where the only thing that got me through a day was listening to hymns and conference talks.
And then I get worried that I'll lose my job if I miss too much.
So I'm switching medications. Oh, it's been fun, a mix of headaches and anxiety, a lot of prayer involved. I finally figured out it was just my neck, not cancer like I was freaking out that it was. That's the fun with anxiety. Big worries with no basis in reality.
My brother is struggling with his addiction too. And this is affecting his marriage. And it's involving my family.
It's hard to not push and get involved, but step back and recognize that all you can do is bear your testimony and pray for him and his wife.
We each have to make the decision to be active in recovery.
My mom says to be active. To volunteer. The suggestion merely makes me feel overwhelmed. I should be writing in my journal every night. I should be exercising every day. I should be developing my talents.
And I want to curl up in bed and hide.
So I dragged myself to PASG group last night. Which was good, but this morning the feelings of loneliness overwhelmed me. I felt like I didn't have any friends. No one to rely on or turn to. I'm so tired of reaching out. Could someone, besides Heavenly Father, reach back?
I miss the UK. It's not going away and I admit that the UK is my go to escape place. The one place I think everything was perfect. Even though I know it wasn't perfect.
I'm lonely, I'm scared and I'm sad today.
The blessing I got last week used that phrase that bothers me "Heavenly Father is mindful of you." Mindful. Ugh! Mindful means "Bearing in mind" "Inclined to be aware." Not words that help me feel closer to my Father in Heaven.
And I know it's not Him. I know it's me. I'm struggling.
There are days I'm just glad I made it to work and fed myself.
Sorry this is so depressing. Someday, things will be better. I know that deep, deep down inside.
Today, though, I can't feel it.
So I'm going to clean my house. I'm going to go to Stake Conference. I will put one foot in front of the other and keep trying.
I may take a Social Media break. I'll see.
Today, I can make it through today.
It's how I feel right now.
I'm still struggling. This last week was one of the roughest in a very long time. I've felt ill. I've felt depressed. I've felt overwhelmed. I've thrown up. I've wanted to give up and I've been scared and anxious.
Someone suddenly quit at work. Which added to my burdens there. And then there are hints, because I am struggling with being on time, that I might not get to keep my job! Just what I needed.
I've been sick, very sick and got a blessing. I'm feeling panicky, nervous, anxious, sad, and really nervous that I'm heading for a dark time like in the UK several years ago, where the only thing that got me through a day was listening to hymns and conference talks.
And then I get worried that I'll lose my job if I miss too much.
So I'm switching medications. Oh, it's been fun, a mix of headaches and anxiety, a lot of prayer involved. I finally figured out it was just my neck, not cancer like I was freaking out that it was. That's the fun with anxiety. Big worries with no basis in reality.
My brother is struggling with his addiction too. And this is affecting his marriage. And it's involving my family.
It's hard to not push and get involved, but step back and recognize that all you can do is bear your testimony and pray for him and his wife.
We each have to make the decision to be active in recovery.
My mom says to be active. To volunteer. The suggestion merely makes me feel overwhelmed. I should be writing in my journal every night. I should be exercising every day. I should be developing my talents.
And I want to curl up in bed and hide.
So I dragged myself to PASG group last night. Which was good, but this morning the feelings of loneliness overwhelmed me. I felt like I didn't have any friends. No one to rely on or turn to. I'm so tired of reaching out. Could someone, besides Heavenly Father, reach back?
I miss the UK. It's not going away and I admit that the UK is my go to escape place. The one place I think everything was perfect. Even though I know it wasn't perfect.
I'm lonely, I'm scared and I'm sad today.
The blessing I got last week used that phrase that bothers me "Heavenly Father is mindful of you." Mindful. Ugh! Mindful means "Bearing in mind" "Inclined to be aware." Not words that help me feel closer to my Father in Heaven.
And I know it's not Him. I know it's me. I'm struggling.
There are days I'm just glad I made it to work and fed myself.
Sorry this is so depressing. Someday, things will be better. I know that deep, deep down inside.
Today, though, I can't feel it.
So I'm going to clean my house. I'm going to go to Stake Conference. I will put one foot in front of the other and keep trying.
I may take a Social Media break. I'll see.
Today, I can make it through today.
Sunday, February 01, 2015
All things are possible through God, even recovery.
I listen to a lot of Christian music. I know it's a safe radio station to have on. And I love the music. Not every single song, but there are times where the Lord sends me a message through the songs.
TobyMac has new one out and I love it.
It gives me hope that I can overcome my addiction. That God gives us challenges so that we can grow, and that He will help us succeed. We just have to turn to Him. Surrender. Not that surrendering suddenly makes life easy or takes away agency or choice (darn it).
All things are possible with God.
Call it a reason to retreat
I got some dreams that are bigger than me
I might be outmatched, outsized, the underdog in the fight of my life
Is it so crazy to believe
That You gave me the stars put them out of my reach
Called me to waters a little too deep
Oh, I've never been so aware of my need
You keep on making me see
It's way beyond me
It's way beyond me
Yeah, it's out of my league
It's way beyond me
It's way beyond me
It's way beyond …
Anything that I got the strength to do
In over my head keeps me countin' on You
I'm leaving the sweet spot, sure shot
Tradin' it all for the plans You got
Is it so crazy to believe
You take me to the place where I know I need You
Straight to the depths that I can't handle on my own
And the Lord I know, I know I need You
So take me to Your great …
Take me to Your great unknown
I got some dreams that are bigger than me
I might be outmatched, outsized, the underdog in the fight of my life
Is it so crazy to believe
That You gave me the stars put them out of my reach
Called me to waters a little too deep
Oh, I've never been so aware of my need
You keep on making me see
It's way beyond me
It's way beyond me
Yeah, it's out of my league
It's way beyond me
It's way beyond me
It's way beyond …
Anything that I got the strength to do
In over my head keeps me countin' on You
I'm leaving the sweet spot, sure shot
Tradin' it all for the plans You got
Is it so crazy to believe
You take me to the place where I know I need You
Straight to the depths that I can't handle on my own
And the Lord I know, I know I need You
So take me to Your great …
Take me to Your great unknown
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Why I love ARP
Due to the craziness of the holidays and life, I missed ARP for three weeks.
I've struggled with ARP here, for various reasons, the big one being it's on a Friday and if I want to go somewhere for the weekend, I miss it. But I also know that I need to attend group. I definitely feel the miss if I don't go.
And the past three weeks of group have been wonderful.
My heart is so full of gratitude for this program. How it's helped me. How it's changed me.
January has been hard. My roommate left for the whole holiday weekend, which is good. But also worried me a bit. Being on my own for a whole weekend may not be great. My depression and anxiety has come back, so I didn't get much done. But I also didn't give in to temptations. I also exercised!
I've had some money stresses lately. Basically, I want my own place. While I love my ward, I feel the need to be on my own. My own pad, with my cats and my own furniture. My television programs. The problem is, apartments are ridiculously expensive here and I'm not sure how much I can afford.
And, due to some paperwork problems, I'm having to pay back part of my last paycheck and I won't get the replacement until next pay day. And I haven't gotten these new paychecks yet!
Basically, I feel a little adrift. I am so grateful to have a job. But I also need to plan for the future and, as the future has always scared me (my first panic attacks would be around birthdays, holidays, big events like graduation) and I realized that is one of the reason's I haven't been making goals, like 5, 10 year plans, etc., is that the future scares me. I'm still working on overcoming that. I struggle with goals, so I'm looking for ways to set goals and achieve them. I found a great resource on line to help set goals while dealing with depression. I hope it helps.
Last week's group was on Step 2 and as we started reading, I realized I hadn't looked at Step 2 in a long time! It was almost like reading a new step. It reminded me how important consistent review of the steps is. I have been struggling with hope and I hadn't been reading a step that would help me with that struggle! Duh.
So I'm going to start reading at least one recovery scripture every day. It may be Step 11, Step 1, Step 2, but it's going to be a recovery scripture. I would like to start reading Step 1, 2, or 3 every night again. I think it would really help.
Friday I was talking to a friend who shared that one of her relatives is an addict. They have lost their family, their job, and been arrested numerous times. As I listened, I mourned for this person and their family, including my friend. I prayed that they would somehow find recovery. (I ended up sending my friend a link to the ARP program for spousal/family support). And I also thought how that could have been me. I stood in danger of losing it all too, once. Well, I stood at the top of that steep incline, maybe even a few steps down. I am so grateful that the light of Christ was strong enough to help me see that I needed help four years ago and prompted me to go the Bishop. Even if I thought it would be a month without the sacrament kinda deal. Not a Four years in Recovery one. Not that I would change anything! I love this program. I am eternally grateful that it is in my life!
I cannot cease singing praise to my Lord and my God for helping me to be in recovery 4 years later. It's not easy. I still struggle and I know that there are still changes to be made. I'm still learning to choose Heavenly Father over many things, but I know I can do it with Them by my side.
Every day I pray for the ability to turn my thoughts and emotions over to Heavenly Father. To recognize when I need to lean on Him.
I am a miracle. He healed me.
As my AA coin says, "I not only believe in miracles, I depend on them."
Update: So I found a place this weekend! My own apartment! It's a basement in the house of a Christian couple near work and I am so happy. I can have my cats! Yay!
I've struggled with ARP here, for various reasons, the big one being it's on a Friday and if I want to go somewhere for the weekend, I miss it. But I also know that I need to attend group. I definitely feel the miss if I don't go.
And the past three weeks of group have been wonderful.
My heart is so full of gratitude for this program. How it's helped me. How it's changed me.
January has been hard. My roommate left for the whole holiday weekend, which is good. But also worried me a bit. Being on my own for a whole weekend may not be great. My depression and anxiety has come back, so I didn't get much done. But I also didn't give in to temptations. I also exercised!
I've had some money stresses lately. Basically, I want my own place. While I love my ward, I feel the need to be on my own. My own pad, with my cats and my own furniture. My television programs. The problem is, apartments are ridiculously expensive here and I'm not sure how much I can afford.
And, due to some paperwork problems, I'm having to pay back part of my last paycheck and I won't get the replacement until next pay day. And I haven't gotten these new paychecks yet!
Basically, I feel a little adrift. I am so grateful to have a job. But I also need to plan for the future and, as the future has always scared me (my first panic attacks would be around birthdays, holidays, big events like graduation) and I realized that is one of the reason's I haven't been making goals, like 5, 10 year plans, etc., is that the future scares me. I'm still working on overcoming that. I struggle with goals, so I'm looking for ways to set goals and achieve them. I found a great resource on line to help set goals while dealing with depression. I hope it helps.
Last week's group was on Step 2 and as we started reading, I realized I hadn't looked at Step 2 in a long time! It was almost like reading a new step. It reminded me how important consistent review of the steps is. I have been struggling with hope and I hadn't been reading a step that would help me with that struggle! Duh.
So I'm going to start reading at least one recovery scripture every day. It may be Step 11, Step 1, Step 2, but it's going to be a recovery scripture. I would like to start reading Step 1, 2, or 3 every night again. I think it would really help.
Friday I was talking to a friend who shared that one of her relatives is an addict. They have lost their family, their job, and been arrested numerous times. As I listened, I mourned for this person and their family, including my friend. I prayed that they would somehow find recovery. (I ended up sending my friend a link to the ARP program for spousal/family support). And I also thought how that could have been me. I stood in danger of losing it all too, once. Well, I stood at the top of that steep incline, maybe even a few steps down. I am so grateful that the light of Christ was strong enough to help me see that I needed help four years ago and prompted me to go the Bishop. Even if I thought it would be a month without the sacrament kinda deal. Not a Four years in Recovery one. Not that I would change anything! I love this program. I am eternally grateful that it is in my life!
I cannot cease singing praise to my Lord and my God for helping me to be in recovery 4 years later. It's not easy. I still struggle and I know that there are still changes to be made. I'm still learning to choose Heavenly Father over many things, but I know I can do it with Them by my side.
Every day I pray for the ability to turn my thoughts and emotions over to Heavenly Father. To recognize when I need to lean on Him.
I am a miracle. He healed me.
As my AA coin says, "I not only believe in miracles, I depend on them."
Update: So I found a place this weekend! My own apartment! It's a basement in the house of a Christian couple near work and I am so happy. I can have my cats! Yay!
Sunday, January 04, 2015
A new year...
First off: I have a job!
A real, permanent job!
YAY!
It was a Christmas present from my Heavenly Father.
Of course, this being me.... my body is now freaking out.
Somehow, I can make it through the stressful portion and then, when things calm down, my body and brain say "Ok, life is good. Crisis over...now lets freak out." I've been battling panic attacks and, surprisingly, a lot of triggering thoughts, memories... one of a "book" I was writing years ago.
I keep giving it up to Heavenly Father. I don't want anything to come between me and Him, especially memories that I have repented of. Nice how Satan likes to drag those up.
I don't want those. I want my Heavenly Father.
Not to say it's hard.
I've been battling fantasies. Especially of having a boyfriend. The holidays, for some reason, bring a feeling of loneliness for me. Really, I am fine being single. In many ways, I can't imagine having a boyfriend. I haven't had one since I was 16 and... what would I do with one?
I'm still struggling with my crush and so I try to think of what I want in a boyfriend, but that veers too close to fantasy territory. Gah!
Also, being the holidays, I haven't been eating the healthiest, which I know contributes.
So my resolutions are to work out more often, work Step 11 more often and watch my sugar, because I'm starting to suspect that sugar is addictive.
But I have a job! I'll have a desk! A place that is mine.
Things are settled. It feels really nice. Like huge weight has been lifted.
Finally, March of 2015 will mark my fourth year since starting recovery! Wow.
I am so grateful for the ARP program. It has blessed my life in so many ways.
I am reborn. I am made new. I am healed through my Savior and Redeemer because I took courage and went to see my Bishop all those years ago.
If you are struggling, please see your Bishop. It may not be a perfect experience. Pray for your Bishop. Heavenly Father wants you to come back to Him. And if you take that first step, as I did, you will find that He is "anxiously reaching for you," as Elder Holland says.
Bring on 2015! With God on my side, who can stand against me!
A real, permanent job!
YAY!
It was a Christmas present from my Heavenly Father.
Of course, this being me.... my body is now freaking out.
Somehow, I can make it through the stressful portion and then, when things calm down, my body and brain say "Ok, life is good. Crisis over...now lets freak out." I've been battling panic attacks and, surprisingly, a lot of triggering thoughts, memories... one of a "book" I was writing years ago.
I keep giving it up to Heavenly Father. I don't want anything to come between me and Him, especially memories that I have repented of. Nice how Satan likes to drag those up.
I don't want those. I want my Heavenly Father.
Not to say it's hard.
I've been battling fantasies. Especially of having a boyfriend. The holidays, for some reason, bring a feeling of loneliness for me. Really, I am fine being single. In many ways, I can't imagine having a boyfriend. I haven't had one since I was 16 and... what would I do with one?
I'm still struggling with my crush and so I try to think of what I want in a boyfriend, but that veers too close to fantasy territory. Gah!
Also, being the holidays, I haven't been eating the healthiest, which I know contributes.
So my resolutions are to work out more often, work Step 11 more often and watch my sugar, because I'm starting to suspect that sugar is addictive.
But I have a job! I'll have a desk! A place that is mine.
Things are settled. It feels really nice. Like huge weight has been lifted.
Finally, March of 2015 will mark my fourth year since starting recovery! Wow.
I am so grateful for the ARP program. It has blessed my life in so many ways.
I am reborn. I am made new. I am healed through my Savior and Redeemer because I took courage and went to see my Bishop all those years ago.
If you are struggling, please see your Bishop. It may not be a perfect experience. Pray for your Bishop. Heavenly Father wants you to come back to Him. And if you take that first step, as I did, you will find that He is "anxiously reaching for you," as Elder Holland says.
Bring on 2015! With God on my side, who can stand against me!
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Life is the good and the bad.
It's been almost a month since my last blog post and now I'm struggling with my addiction and with life!
Ha ha.
Due to the holiday season and the fact that my group meets on Friday, I haven't been able to attend PASG for a couple weeks. And lately, I've been struggling with triggers, fantasies, thoughts (oh my word, the thoughts) and the desire to escape. I finally got to attend group a couple weeks ago, but missed the next one because it was the same night as my Ward Christmas Party and... I wasn't feeling well. I spaced it.
I've been so lonely and that is triggering memories and thoughts and ... ugh.
My crush is back at work, with his girlfriend.
And in three weeks, I may not have a job. I may be moving home. I have bills that need to be paid.
I realized part of the problem is that I don't have a space of my own. They've moved me at work to someone else's desk. So my things are in a box.
I have my room at "my" apartment, but being stuck in my room all night is not cool. I still don't feel like I belong or that this is my place. I just rent a room.
Anxiety is constantly there, waiting to erupt.
I've gotten three rejection letters this week.
So, after my last interview of the year last week, capping off a week of headaches and heartaches and panic attacks, I think my body just gave out. I think the headaches are from my new contacts (yay) and I... feel out of alignment. Out of sync. I don't know how else to describe it. I don't feel like myself.
When I woke up with a huge headache, I took Friday off of work and watched corny Christmas movies on TV, but the commercials! Oh my word! The commercials on daytime TV are insane! Sexual and just icky.
Which just added to my triggers, which has started to include the desire to masturbate. Haven't had that desire in a long time!
Loneliness is right there too. Just tonight I was following up on a show I used to watch (it started looking up a character on a film my roommate was watching, which is not Sunday appropriate, so I shouldn't have been watching it in the first place)... anyway, so I was looking up this show and there were a couple clips of the main couple kissing.
Trigger? It triggered emotions in me.
I wanted to keep watching it so bad and I wanted to watch the other clips, but luckily, I realized that was a step on a slippery slope and I couldn't go there. I didn't want to go there. Well, I did, but I knew it wouldn't end well.
But that's pretty much every day now.
And I've made some really stupid choices in what I read (who knew Dear Abby and other advice columns would be so sexual?) during the day that I've triggered these thoughts. So I need to keep my Sabbath day special and spiritual.
And every day I fight off panic attacks and nausea and fainting. It's so "fun." So I'm trying to figure out what is going on. I know part of it is that my spirit, body, mind, etc., just can't take it anymore. It's been three months of stress and sadness and worry.
I'm so tired. Plus, being the Christmas season, my sugar intake has increased which is also not helping. Ugh.
So even with the news that things should be alright (I find out definitely tomorrow) job wise, I'm not feeling it.
Basically, I can't feel it right now.
Usually, when I have triggers this bad, it means I need to work on the ARP program. At the same time, I don't feel like I'm working recovery.
I feel low.
Still, I know that things will be okay. This won't last forever. I do have to keep trying and keep striving.
There's a quote on my wall a friend in recovery gave me a long time ago.
"We Can Do Hard Things."
I don't want you to think that I'm awful. I still laugh. Life has hard moments, but beautiful and good moments too. I thank my Heavenly Father for the good moments. He is with me.
D&C 133:45
For since the beginning of the world have not men heard nor perceived by the ear, neither hath any eye seen, O God, besides thee, how great things thou hast prepared for him that waiteth for thee.
Ha ha.
Due to the holiday season and the fact that my group meets on Friday, I haven't been able to attend PASG for a couple weeks. And lately, I've been struggling with triggers, fantasies, thoughts (oh my word, the thoughts) and the desire to escape. I finally got to attend group a couple weeks ago, but missed the next one because it was the same night as my Ward Christmas Party and... I wasn't feeling well. I spaced it.
I've been so lonely and that is triggering memories and thoughts and ... ugh.
My crush is back at work, with his girlfriend.
And in three weeks, I may not have a job. I may be moving home. I have bills that need to be paid.
I realized part of the problem is that I don't have a space of my own. They've moved me at work to someone else's desk. So my things are in a box.
I have my room at "my" apartment, but being stuck in my room all night is not cool. I still don't feel like I belong or that this is my place. I just rent a room.
Anxiety is constantly there, waiting to erupt.
I've gotten three rejection letters this week.
So, after my last interview of the year last week, capping off a week of headaches and heartaches and panic attacks, I think my body just gave out. I think the headaches are from my new contacts (yay) and I... feel out of alignment. Out of sync. I don't know how else to describe it. I don't feel like myself.
When I woke up with a huge headache, I took Friday off of work and watched corny Christmas movies on TV, but the commercials! Oh my word! The commercials on daytime TV are insane! Sexual and just icky.
Which just added to my triggers, which has started to include the desire to masturbate. Haven't had that desire in a long time!
Loneliness is right there too. Just tonight I was following up on a show I used to watch (it started looking up a character on a film my roommate was watching, which is not Sunday appropriate, so I shouldn't have been watching it in the first place)... anyway, so I was looking up this show and there were a couple clips of the main couple kissing.
Trigger? It triggered emotions in me.
I wanted to keep watching it so bad and I wanted to watch the other clips, but luckily, I realized that was a step on a slippery slope and I couldn't go there. I didn't want to go there. Well, I did, but I knew it wouldn't end well.
But that's pretty much every day now.
And I've made some really stupid choices in what I read (who knew Dear Abby and other advice columns would be so sexual?) during the day that I've triggered these thoughts. So I need to keep my Sabbath day special and spiritual.
And every day I fight off panic attacks and nausea and fainting. It's so "fun." So I'm trying to figure out what is going on. I know part of it is that my spirit, body, mind, etc., just can't take it anymore. It's been three months of stress and sadness and worry.
I'm so tired. Plus, being the Christmas season, my sugar intake has increased which is also not helping. Ugh.
So even with the news that things should be alright (I find out definitely tomorrow) job wise, I'm not feeling it.
Basically, I can't feel it right now.
Usually, when I have triggers this bad, it means I need to work on the ARP program. At the same time, I don't feel like I'm working recovery.
I feel low.
Still, I know that things will be okay. This won't last forever. I do have to keep trying and keep striving.
There's a quote on my wall a friend in recovery gave me a long time ago.
"We Can Do Hard Things."
I don't want you to think that I'm awful. I still laugh. Life has hard moments, but beautiful and good moments too. I thank my Heavenly Father for the good moments. He is with me.
D&C 133:45
For since the beginning of the world have not men heard nor perceived by the ear, neither hath any eye seen, O God, besides thee, how great things thou hast prepared for him that waiteth for thee.
I'm finding joy in Christmas. I've gone to the temple, which has helped. I know there is light ahead. I just have to keep going toward it. And work on Step 11. Maybe just answer one question tonight. I can do that much.
Sunday, December 14, 2014
When I'm afraid
A blog post with the details of the past month is coming... hopefully tomorrow.
Needless to say, it's been really hard.
Then, the other night at a particularly dark, scary moment, this song came on the radio. Twice. Really. It was in the middle of a bunch of songs on my local Christian radio. I had heard it, cried, then switched stations and it came on again not five minutes later!
Heavenly Father knew I needed that message right at that moment.
It's one of my favorite songs now.
And at times you can't feel the fire to guide you home.
The demons will haunt you and try to steal what you know.
But the angels, they brought you, and they're gonna hold you up.
They're gonna hold you up.
They see the fear in your eyes, heart sinks like a stone.
'Cause when you're afraid, it weighs on your soul.
Our Heavenly Father and Savior do know us. They know me. They will hold me up.
Sunday, November 02, 2014
He knows.
Today's lesson in Sunday School was in Isaiah. I love Isaiah! I love the promises from the Lord recorded by this prophet. Yes, I struggle to understand him, but the beauty of the language touches my heart.
As I've been reading these verses this week, Heavenly Father has spoken to me and given me comfort.
October was a rough, rough month, but it's getting better. I've had some great experiences going to visit friends and family. I still need to work on triggers from my family, well, because of my family. There are some unresolved issues there that I need to deal with.
And the good news is, within the next week, I will know about my job, finally! It's still nerve wracking, because I don't know what will happen.
Today I was reading the Ensign during church. I'm still trying to catch up on the October edition. Anyway, it was an article that talked about being single and the author quoted Elder Scott talking about compensatory blessings. That resonated with me.
Back when I was deep in my addiction, I was miserable and I saw the withholding of what I wanted as punishment from God. I see now that He is sending compensatory blessings for me when I don't get what I want. I'm still being blessed in good ways. Numerous ways.
I finally got to attend group and it was wonderful! It continually amazes me of the miracle God has performed in my life through the ARP program. This week thoughts and images and memories have been bombarding me! It's been a real struggle to give them to Heavenly Father. It's been a struggle not to feel shame, but I know I can get through these moments, if I turn to my Heavenly Father.
And as we read Isaiah 53:3-7, I remembered that my Savior knows. He knows about temptations and triggers. He knows my sorrow and struggles. He knows my doubts and fears.
I've been really struggling with sleep lately. As in getting to bed at a good time and getting up on time. It's been a lifelong struggle, actually. So I fasted about it today. I also have my own plans on how to help. Starting with setting an alarm at night to help me remember to get ready for bed.
Like recovery, I can't wait on the Lord to change me. I have to work at it as well. And keep going, even when I fail or struggle or want to give up.
But He knows me and He will help me. He loves me. He loves you.
Today in Sunday School we read Isaiah 53:6:
"All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way;"
In my manual, by Step 1, I wrote down these words from Peter and reading that verse made me think of this one, 1 Peter 2:25:
For ye were as sheep going astray; but are now returned unto the Shepherd and Bishop of your souls.
We have gone astray, but the Shepherd of our souls wants us to return to Him.
As I've been reading these verses this week, Heavenly Father has spoken to me and given me comfort.
October was a rough, rough month, but it's getting better. I've had some great experiences going to visit friends and family. I still need to work on triggers from my family, well, because of my family. There are some unresolved issues there that I need to deal with.
And the good news is, within the next week, I will know about my job, finally! It's still nerve wracking, because I don't know what will happen.
Today I was reading the Ensign during church. I'm still trying to catch up on the October edition. Anyway, it was an article that talked about being single and the author quoted Elder Scott talking about compensatory blessings. That resonated with me.
Back when I was deep in my addiction, I was miserable and I saw the withholding of what I wanted as punishment from God. I see now that He is sending compensatory blessings for me when I don't get what I want. I'm still being blessed in good ways. Numerous ways.
I finally got to attend group and it was wonderful! It continually amazes me of the miracle God has performed in my life through the ARP program. This week thoughts and images and memories have been bombarding me! It's been a real struggle to give them to Heavenly Father. It's been a struggle not to feel shame, but I know I can get through these moments, if I turn to my Heavenly Father.
And as we read Isaiah 53:3-7, I remembered that my Savior knows. He knows about temptations and triggers. He knows my sorrow and struggles. He knows my doubts and fears.
I've been really struggling with sleep lately. As in getting to bed at a good time and getting up on time. It's been a lifelong struggle, actually. So I fasted about it today. I also have my own plans on how to help. Starting with setting an alarm at night to help me remember to get ready for bed.
Like recovery, I can't wait on the Lord to change me. I have to work at it as well. And keep going, even when I fail or struggle or want to give up.
But He knows me and He will help me. He loves me. He loves you.
Today in Sunday School we read Isaiah 53:6:
"All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way;"
In my manual, by Step 1, I wrote down these words from Peter and reading that verse made me think of this one, 1 Peter 2:25:
For ye were as sheep going astray; but are now returned unto the Shepherd and Bishop of your souls.
We have gone astray, but the Shepherd of our souls wants us to return to Him.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
One month. 30 days.
First off, this title is just because it's been exactly a month since I posted and I have no idea what else to title this blog.
I've been meaning to post every week, but something happens or I'm too tired, etc.
It's been a whirlwind month.
I've only been to group once and while it was a great experience, I feel the lack of a weekly boost. It's harder to control my thoughts and the inappropriate ones loom quicker and larger. They are harder to get rid of and turn over to Heavenly Father.
I could write on and on, but suffice it to say, the last 30 days have been hard and just... a lot. Addiction, personal, family, work, emotional, spiritual issues - all of that. Like I'm trying to find secure ground and, when I think I have, it turns to slate and I struggle to stay standing. I get nice breaks where I can escape and just enjoy myself, and then it's back to life again.
I don't want to make this sound like I'm doing horribly.
I laugh, I smile, I see the beauty in each day. I find the tender mercies. I pray, I study (still need to work on Step 11), and I try to keep a prayer in my heart.
But I feel tired some days. I feel overwhelmed. I feel alone.
Yesterday, it all hit me. A huge, unexpected bill, an anniversary of leaving a place I loved and that I miss every day and I found myself crying and then I kneeled on my bed and put my head on the shoulder of the painting of Christ I have hanging above my bed. It wasn't completely comforting, but it helped. I wish He could hug me for real.
Hopefully, the next couple weeks will bring some answers and stability.
Heavenly Father is still answering my prayers and I find that if I do my part, then He helps me finish the task.
I'd like to share one of my favorite musicians. And one of my favorite songs. It's a theme song of sorts.
Wounded head you will be fine
Your weary legs will hold you in time
D&C 6:36
Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not
I'm trying.
I've been meaning to post every week, but something happens or I'm too tired, etc.
It's been a whirlwind month.
I've only been to group once and while it was a great experience, I feel the lack of a weekly boost. It's harder to control my thoughts and the inappropriate ones loom quicker and larger. They are harder to get rid of and turn over to Heavenly Father.
I could write on and on, but suffice it to say, the last 30 days have been hard and just... a lot. Addiction, personal, family, work, emotional, spiritual issues - all of that. Like I'm trying to find secure ground and, when I think I have, it turns to slate and I struggle to stay standing. I get nice breaks where I can escape and just enjoy myself, and then it's back to life again.
I don't want to make this sound like I'm doing horribly.
I laugh, I smile, I see the beauty in each day. I find the tender mercies. I pray, I study (still need to work on Step 11), and I try to keep a prayer in my heart.
But I feel tired some days. I feel overwhelmed. I feel alone.
Yesterday, it all hit me. A huge, unexpected bill, an anniversary of leaving a place I loved and that I miss every day and I found myself crying and then I kneeled on my bed and put my head on the shoulder of the painting of Christ I have hanging above my bed. It wasn't completely comforting, but it helped. I wish He could hug me for real.
Hopefully, the next couple weeks will bring some answers and stability.
Heavenly Father is still answering my prayers and I find that if I do my part, then He helps me finish the task.
I'd like to share one of my favorite musicians. And one of my favorite songs. It's a theme song of sorts.
Your weary legs will hold you in time
D&C 6:36
Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not
I'm trying.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Straws and camels
My heart was heavily dented last week.
Long story short, my crush decided, after two weeks of putting me off, to confess that he was actually "kinda" dating someone else. And... ugh it's a long story. It ends with a battered heart.
At that moment when this landed on me, I think the last few months, so precariously balanced in my heart, body, and mind, broke and fell. I cried in the bathroom at work. I came home, vented to my roommate, and cried some more. I went for a walk. I was furious, I was mad, I was weak, I was frail, I was hurt, I was stunned, I was sad, I was heartbroken. I kneeled for prayers that night and sobbed and cried harder than I have in months. Why. Why. Why. Why did this have to happen. Why did it have to hurt so much.
I also printed off his picture and went to a construction site and burned it. I listened to "Forget You." That felt good.
Part of me didn't want to go to group, but I knew I needed to go.
As I was driving there, and thinking about him and overanalyzing, the thought came that he wouldn't want me, because I'm an addict.
But then I thought... No, I am not just an addict. I am awesome! I am more than my addiction.
Group was just what I needed that night. I love that program so much. I am so glad I went.
Then the panic attacks started the next morning. I knew it wasn't just him. It was the past few months and yesterday. I was a camel and I'd had my last straw.
I really wanted to just sit home and cry that day, but I didn't. I kept busy. I went out with friends. I went to the temple, which was good. One worker told me that the people I was doing the work for would find me and thank me one day. I felt needed.
I even got to sit in the celestial room and pray.
I went out for yogurt, even though I was ill and panicky. I breathed.
Sunday I went and met with my Bishop. I told him about my addiction. We talked. I got a blessing. Then I came home and slept and only attended part of church because I felt so panicky and ill. Not fun.
It's hard. Part of me is embarrassed for what happened. Misread signals? I don't know. My confidence took a huge hit. Ugh. It's such a struggle. Also, my little abused girl keeps coming up, the "please love me, if I do this, will you love me?" aspect of me. And my obsessive thinking keeps kicking in. So helpful. My emotions are still all over the place. Let's just say the boy left things kinda up in the air.
I'm working on turning all this over to my Heavenly Father. I move forward. I strive. I try not to yield.
I need a punching bag.
So I acknowledge my feelings. I acknowledge my failings. I listen to Conference talks. I read the scriptures. I am working on Step 11. I have these meditations on Healing and Banishing Depression (or thoughts), so I'm doing those as well. I still struggle. Part of me just wants to sit and play Candy Crush all day. And sometimes I do that and then I snap out of it and go do something else.
I will get through this. I will move forward. It won't be forever. I will go for walks or go swimming instead of eating the pound of fudge in my house. I will have a bit of the fudge.
I will go to work, I will do my best to work hard. I will turn my life over to the Lord. No, I'm not perfect at this.
I will be honest. I've fantasied a bit about having a boyfriend when I see this guy next. I've imagined conversations. I've been hurt and angry. Memories, triggers and temptations have been around a lot and it is soooooo tempting to give in. I know it would be a relief, yet I know that relief would only last for a second and then the guilt would overwhelm me and it's not worth that.
So, I don't know what is going to happen. I know I will make it. I have Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost on my side.
Long story short, my crush decided, after two weeks of putting me off, to confess that he was actually "kinda" dating someone else. And... ugh it's a long story. It ends with a battered heart.
At that moment when this landed on me, I think the last few months, so precariously balanced in my heart, body, and mind, broke and fell. I cried in the bathroom at work. I came home, vented to my roommate, and cried some more. I went for a walk. I was furious, I was mad, I was weak, I was frail, I was hurt, I was stunned, I was sad, I was heartbroken. I kneeled for prayers that night and sobbed and cried harder than I have in months. Why. Why. Why. Why did this have to happen. Why did it have to hurt so much.
I also printed off his picture and went to a construction site and burned it. I listened to "Forget You." That felt good.
Part of me didn't want to go to group, but I knew I needed to go.
As I was driving there, and thinking about him and overanalyzing, the thought came that he wouldn't want me, because I'm an addict.
But then I thought... No, I am not just an addict. I am awesome! I am more than my addiction.
Group was just what I needed that night. I love that program so much. I am so glad I went.
Then the panic attacks started the next morning. I knew it wasn't just him. It was the past few months and yesterday. I was a camel and I'd had my last straw.
I really wanted to just sit home and cry that day, but I didn't. I kept busy. I went out with friends. I went to the temple, which was good. One worker told me that the people I was doing the work for would find me and thank me one day. I felt needed.
I even got to sit in the celestial room and pray.
I went out for yogurt, even though I was ill and panicky. I breathed.
Sunday I went and met with my Bishop. I told him about my addiction. We talked. I got a blessing. Then I came home and slept and only attended part of church because I felt so panicky and ill. Not fun.
It's hard. Part of me is embarrassed for what happened. Misread signals? I don't know. My confidence took a huge hit. Ugh. It's such a struggle. Also, my little abused girl keeps coming up, the "please love me, if I do this, will you love me?" aspect of me. And my obsessive thinking keeps kicking in. So helpful. My emotions are still all over the place. Let's just say the boy left things kinda up in the air.
I'm working on turning all this over to my Heavenly Father. I move forward. I strive. I try not to yield.
I need a punching bag.
So I acknowledge my feelings. I acknowledge my failings. I listen to Conference talks. I read the scriptures. I am working on Step 11. I have these meditations on Healing and Banishing Depression (or thoughts), so I'm doing those as well. I still struggle. Part of me just wants to sit and play Candy Crush all day. And sometimes I do that and then I snap out of it and go do something else.
I will get through this. I will move forward. It won't be forever. I will go for walks or go swimming instead of eating the pound of fudge in my house. I will have a bit of the fudge.
I will go to work, I will do my best to work hard. I will turn my life over to the Lord. No, I'm not perfect at this.
I will be honest. I've fantasied a bit about having a boyfriend when I see this guy next. I've imagined conversations. I've been hurt and angry. Memories, triggers and temptations have been around a lot and it is soooooo tempting to give in. I know it would be a relief, yet I know that relief would only last for a second and then the guilt would overwhelm me and it's not worth that.
So, I don't know what is going to happen. I know I will make it. I have Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost on my side.
Tuesday, July 01, 2014
Wrong Roads?
So I haven't been going to PASG regularly.
My first group, the one closest to me, was... odd. I even emailed the ARP Mission leader about some of my concerns and received a polite, but firm answer that things would not change. That kinda hurt.
So I tried another group, farther away and didn't feel a connection.
I really, really miss my old PASG group. I've gone to PASG twice in the month I've been here. I haven't been working on Step 11, but I've been reading my scriptures, praying, going to church, listening to conference, etc. I know I need to get back in the habit of going to meetings again, though.
The ward is nice, but I don't feel like I belong yet. I keep telling myself it has only been a couple of weeks. I have to give myself time.
Then, I got news this last week that my life is about to change again, in a big way again and so my thoughts and emotions have been in turmoil this whole weekend.
Switching from a "What the heck, Lord?" to worry about the future and what is going to happen. And sometimes all those emotions at once. Mingled with the occasional feeling of peace that all will be well. Would like more of those moments. ha ha.
I know that part of the down feeling today is due to the upheaval that I'm going through again. The possibility of having to move again in less than a month when I just moved.
I feel like I was walking, exploring this new opportunity and saw a sign that said "Cliff straight ahead," in a place where I wasn't expecting a sign and now I'm scrambling to find an alternate path before I get to the drop off. Today was a rough day emotionally. Gah emotions! I think I need a good cry.
But ahead I must move. I'm looking for ways to serve people and get outside myself.
Also, I'm working on scheduling my days and getting good sleep. Still working on that, but I hope if I keep doing all that I can, that the Lord will step in and help me.
I may have posted this video before... too bad. Listen to it again.
Every day, I get back up again. My Heavenly Father is calling.
My first group, the one closest to me, was... odd. I even emailed the ARP Mission leader about some of my concerns and received a polite, but firm answer that things would not change. That kinda hurt.
So I tried another group, farther away and didn't feel a connection.
I really, really miss my old PASG group. I've gone to PASG twice in the month I've been here. I haven't been working on Step 11, but I've been reading my scriptures, praying, going to church, listening to conference, etc. I know I need to get back in the habit of going to meetings again, though.
The ward is nice, but I don't feel like I belong yet. I keep telling myself it has only been a couple of weeks. I have to give myself time.
Then, I got news this last week that my life is about to change again, in a big way again and so my thoughts and emotions have been in turmoil this whole weekend.
Switching from a "What the heck, Lord?" to worry about the future and what is going to happen. And sometimes all those emotions at once. Mingled with the occasional feeling of peace that all will be well. Would like more of those moments. ha ha.
I know that part of the down feeling today is due to the upheaval that I'm going through again. The possibility of having to move again in less than a month when I just moved.
I feel like I was walking, exploring this new opportunity and saw a sign that said "Cliff straight ahead," in a place where I wasn't expecting a sign and now I'm scrambling to find an alternate path before I get to the drop off. Today was a rough day emotionally. Gah emotions! I think I need a good cry.
But ahead I must move. I'm looking for ways to serve people and get outside myself.
Also, I'm working on scheduling my days and getting good sleep. Still working on that, but I hope if I keep doing all that I can, that the Lord will step in and help me.
Every day, I get back up again. My Heavenly Father is calling.
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