How does He do that?

Last week was rough. Wednesday and  Thursday were really low days and I was so, so, so grateful for PASG! We were on Step 6 and, as always, the Spirit teaches me something every week on every step.

But, Thursday was another low day. I was tired, I was sad.  There were all these sad news stories I was reading. That tragic ferry sinking in South Korea, etc. There's always bad news out there.
I was so tired and depressed. I forgot to mention I'd let two people down by falling asleep and missing two appointments the day before. So I felt like I was letting EVERYONE down (not true) and that my life had no meaning! (also not true).

I planned to go to the temple that night, but I started making excuses about being tired, not being ready, etc.
Still, I decided to go.
I needed to go. And I am glad I did! I left feeling loved and uplifted and happy.
I love the temple.

Plus, I learned something.

We all know the story of Adam, Eve and the forbidden fruit. I noticed in Genesis that Satan tells Eve that it is necessary to eat the fruit because she needs knowledge.
He does that to me today too.
Telling me I needed to read those books to "know what to expect." Or "how to act."
Ha ha ha ha.
Obviously, these are lies. I didn't need any of that "knowledge." Satan LIES!!!

Heavenly Father is a God of Truth.
I love this gospel and I loved Easter weekend.
I love Easter hymns! To celebrate the resurrection of my Savior that allows me to conquer death.
To conquer this addiction. And all those lovely character weaknesses.

I wish I could say that life has been great since then, but it is still hard.
Still tired of my job. And feeling down about a lot of things, like life. I do sometimes feel very stuck and off the path I should be on. Ha.
Today, especially. Tears feel very near for some reason. I'm feeling very emotional.
Still, I am praying for help.
"Even if it's just to speak His name..."

Sanctus Real "Pray"

Plus, I think I'm getting sick... which is not cool!

So I'm giving all this up to Heavenly Father.

In hopes that I'll receive strength to keep going.

There is good news! Monday night I read Step 11! I'm actually starting on this step!

YAY!
This weekend there is an ARP workshop! I'm so excited to go. It will be a lot of fun and I'm hoping to learn a lot.

In the meantime, my plan is to get some sleep.
I found this chapter the other day and I love this passage:

Lamentations 3
31 For the Lord will not cast off for ever:
32 But though he cause grief, yet will he have compassion according to the multitude of his mercies.
33 For he doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men.

Just…. augh.

I think I posted the amazing Building 429 song "Press On."
That's how I'm feeling today. I feel a mess. I feel:
angry
sad
frustrated
lost
broken
fearful

But mostly FED UP.

So tired of filling out job applications. So tired of going to work. So tired.
Last night I listened to Elder Holland's talk "Lord, I Believe"

So that's the prayer in my heart. I really feel like that father.

Mark 9:22-24

And ofttimes it hath cast him into the fire, and into the waters, to destroy him: but if thou canst do any thing, have compassion on us, and help us.
Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.
And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.

Help me make it a little farther today.

Step 4 redo.

It's not a real redo. It's a realization.

Remember how last week I wrote how I flipped out on my family? Shame and anger and hurt all were there. And I couldn't figure out WHY. I was feeling so many emotions.
I struggled to know if it was my addict striving to get out, or, as I see now, just natural-woman me dealing with life.

I knew I needed to sit down and write it out. Analyze my feelings, but I wasn't sure if it would work or if I would do it in a way that was helpful. Not just whinging on paper, but actually learning and overcoming from what happened. Because, as I said before, I don't want to be my dad, the person no one likes to be around at family things because you're grumpy.

So Wednesday night was PASG and we were reading Step 4.
My only reviews of Step 4 are when we read the step in PASG.
One thing I love about group is how Heavenly Father uses that week's step to talk to me. No matter what step, there is always something I learn each week, thanks to the Spirit.

So we started reading Step 4 and we get to the section about how to write an inventory, the manual suggests taking each memory and then breaking it down through writing:

Incident. What happened? In just a few words, give a short description of your memory of the event. Think more in terms of a summary rather than a long story.
Effect. What was the effect on you or others?
Feelings. What were your feelings at the time of the incident? What are your feelings now about it? Consider how your fears may have contributed to it.
Self-examination. How did your character weaknesses or strengths affect the situation? Do you see any evidence of pride, self-pity, self-deception, or self-will in your attitudes and actions? Be sure to record also those times when you acted right.
The Holy Ghost can help you humble yourself and face the truth, even if the truth is painful. With the help of the Lord, you can recognize your strengths and weaknesses (see Ether 12:27). Questions like these may help:

• What outcome did I want in this situation and why?
  
• How did I try to control the situation?
  
• Was it any of my business?
  
• What actions did I take or omit to get what I wanted?
  
• Did I ignore reality?
  
• Were my expectations reasonable for myself and for others?
  
• Did I lie to myself or to others?
  
• Did I ignore the feelings of others and think only of myself?
  
• How did I act like a victim to control others, get attention and sympathy, be special, and so on?
  
• Did I resist help from God and others?
  
• Did I insist on being right?
  
• Did I feel slighted for lack of recognition or acknowledgment? 

Inspired counsel. What counsel does the Lord give concerning this incident? Remember you have nothing to fear as you submit to the Savior. You are here to learn good from evil, and the Savior can help you forgive yourself and others. Record your thoughts and impressions as you consider inspired counsel from the scriptures and from Church leaders. 

Bam! Lightning to my brain. That's what I needed to do. I needed to take that situation and write it out!
I realize that Step 4 is not just a one time step. I know that I need to review each day, but that night I realized that the step gives me tools for when I need to analyze emotions and situations. It was really, really neat.
So I'm working that this weekend.

Also, GENERAL CONFERENCE! I have a challenge for you (and me). I'm going to kneel and pray before each session and ask the Lord what He wants me to learn and to help me learn it.
I did it for my first general conference in recovery. Three years ago exactly. It was an awesome experience, even the music sung sent a personal message to me.

I hope it does the same for you.

Deuteronomy 4:29
But if from thence thou shalt seek the Lord thy God, thou shalt find him, if thou seek him with all thy heart and with all thy soul.

Emotions, addictions and being the other prodigal

Lesson #1: Missing ARP group makes life harder.
I've missed PASG for two weeks in a row. The first because of a Relief Society activity and the second because I had family in town and I wanted to spend time with them. Both good reasons, but wow, have I felt the loss. The last two days, triggers have been more present and persistent. I've had passages from my written porn days (romance novels) come strongly into remembrance, and take some work and prayer to get them to leave.
Plus, I've been really, really grumpy, grouchy and more addict-like.

Lesson #2: Emotions can be like fishhooks.
It's a line from a film I saw years ago Marvin's Room. In one scene, the mom tells her son that her feelings toward him as like a bowl of fishhooks, so tangled together and confusing that it was easier to not pick them up.
That is how this weekend felt. I couldn't pinpoint one emotion or reason I was feeling what I was feeling.
I yelled at my nephews. I lost my temper. I was grumpy.
I hate it. Because in those moments I feel like my father and I don't want to be like him in any way. So I apologized (at least I can do that now. I'm working at making it sooner rather than later and doing it in person).
And I tried better, but I was feeling angry and upset and sad and hurt and…
EMOTIONAL!

I still need to write it out. Maybe then I can pinpoint why. It wasn't just one reason or scene. It felt like several of them at once.
I struggle to know if I'm being emotionally triggered addict-wise or if this is a genuine emotional issue. I have felt unappreciated and unloved. I've felt lost and alone.

It may be foolish to feel that way, but it is how I've felt. I'm the only single one in my family and sometimes I feel that they treat me like a 19 year old because I'm not married, I don't have kids. Like somehow getting married increases your knowledge and maturity. Even though I'm the oldest sibling!

I struggled to turn this over to Heavenly Father. To let Him replace those feelings with peace, as we are asked to in Step 10. It didn't always work, but I tried. I had no idea that being with my family would have such emotional triggers for me.

So Saturday was really tough emotionally. The Womens meeting helped and then didn't. Because sometimes all I can see if that I don't sew clothes for the poor children in the ward. I don't do family history. Ah, guilt. Hello. Still, the Spirit whispered that I was doing what I could. I fulfill my callings. I strive to be an example and I do serve as a facilitator and support person. All women are not the same. We have different talents and abilities and that's okay.
But that followed with my mom getting upset at something I said and… completely ignoring me for the rest of the evening. I have no idea if this is what happened, but it's the only guess I can make.
Then came Sunday…

I asked for a blessing from my brother. I have been wanting a blessing for a long time. Wondering if I was on the right path and what was going to happen with my life.

I felt worse when the blessing ended than when it began. It started with the cursory "God is aware of you" (how comforting) and when I was hoping for comfort, hope and peace, I got a list of what I was doing wrong. I was told to stop looking toward the past. To be open to opportunities. So I felt like I was being told to do what I thought I was already striving to do. To look forward. Yes, I miss the UK! It's not going away and while I would love to live there again, I've told the Lord that I will go where He wants me. I apply for a job wherever I can find one that sounds like a good opportunity. Basically… I felt like my brother was counseling me through a blessing but without actually talking to me and seeing the reality beforehand.
This has happened the last couple times I've gotten blessings from family. Are they counseling me themselves through the blessing, like I feel they are? Or… I fear that these blessings mean I'm disappointing God somehow.

Then my mother got a beautiful blessing, full of love and care and sweet promises.
I was jealous. I totally had a Prodigal son's brother moment. Because I didn't feel like a beloved daughter of God, I felt like a failure.

I tried listening to Elder Holland's talk The Other Prodigal, which sooo did not help. I felt worse, because I understand the brother. What is wrong with wanting to be appreciated once in a while????!!!!
There's no answer to this question in this blog.

Anyway, due to the moping, I was late to church, which led to me messing up majorly and repeatedly in my calling. At one point, all I wanted was for the floor to open up so I could disappear. All day I was feeling like "what is the point," where I wondered why I was even trying. I was not making a difference. So by the time I headed out to meet the ARP missionaries to do a presentation on the ARP program in a local ward, I was near tears.

How was I supposed to bear my testimony of the power of the Addiction Recovery Program when I felt like I hadn't made any progress at all? Which I know isn't true, but I was so emotional and depressed at the time, all I could think was that I was failing at all of this. Recovery. Life. Church. EVERYTHING.

But I still prayed for the words when I spoke, because the presentation wasn't about me, it was about reaching out to people who need ARP. People like me. I felt the Spirit and I bore my testimony.

It's still been rough emotionally the last couple days and I am tired of it all.
Work. Life. AUGH!

That's why I love this song. I still don't get it all, but I must press on.
With my Savior by my side.