One of my favorite movies is A Knight's Tale because, well Paul Bettany as Chaucer and it's just a great movie. A line that I've adopted for hard times comes from aforementioned Chaucer. He's lost everything gambling and he's walking all alone when one of the characters asks him what he's doing.
Chaucer: Uh... trudging. You know, trudging?
[They all stare at him]
Chaucer: To trudge: the slow, weary, depressing yet determined walk of a man who has nothing left in life except the impulse to simply soldier on.
Lately it feels like I am trudging. Simply soldiering on in hopes that I will find something...
and I'm struggling.
I recently started a new intense therapy for my depression and anxiety. It's working, but-- much like recovery-- it's hard, it's emotional, it's going to take time. I've had many low days, depressed days, and it's affected my work. Which is an added stress. I'm easily triggered and very emotional. I've had to avoid news, social media as it relates to politics, etc. I've had to reset my expectations of what I can and can't accomplish in a day... and be happy with the results, even if all my to-do boxes aren't checked off.
One thing that's been hard is my addiction. I've been in recovery for seven years, but I find myself easily triggered now in podcasts, music... all the old triggers. I know it's because my body and my brain want to help me... and that's how they used to do it! And I may have slipped up last night. I stayed up late late into the night watching romantic movies. Historical romance. Because I'm lonely. I would love some romance in my life. A partner. I'm so tired of doing it all myself... but at the same time I have no desire to even get out there and date. I tried to go to a Singles Dance a few weeks ago and... never again. I'm okay being single, I love my life. I so do not want to have to deal with all the dating crap I would have to go through right now... but...
So I found myself watching these videos, movies I've seen before. Based on historical fiction books. Very romantic... and I felt that longing, that feeling of wanting that or desiring that feeling, and the longing that comes with watching people kiss. I used to use kissing or sex scenes in movies to feed my addiction. So I'm not sure if last night was a slip up, or just a simple longing for something I don't have in my life... I want to talk with my bishop, who is a good man... but I don't feel comfortable talking to him about this.
One of the reasons? My testimony is struggling. It has been ever since the news broke of the MTC abuse scandal. As a victim of abuse myself. As someone who was treated differently, especially when my parents divorced... a someone who was not believed... to read that response from the Prophet of the Church... broke me. Because I'd always held onto the hope that a prophet would have reacted differently than my bishop did. I held onto the talks given over the years from these same leaders that abuse was wrong. They condemned it... except for now, apparently. Because that first statement blamed the victim. And THEN to find out they had known about this for EIGHT years! This predator has never been punished! And this woman is still trying to be heard. It broke me. I watched as fellow abuse victims in group struggled with it. I struggled with it. Because this is not how the Savior would have acted.
One night I had a huge crisis of faith, because if these "prophets" could treat a victim of abuse in such a way... was the Church even true? Where would I go?
I stayed. I stayed because I believe in the gospel. I believe the gospel is true. I believe in eternal families, and priesthood power, and the ARP program. That is from Heavenly Father. I believe that God is trying to work with human beings... but I struggle to accept President Nelson as a prophet. I've struggled through each conference this year. The lack of women giving talks or prayers. The lack of talking about real, pressing issues. The obnoxious emphasis on the name. Then, to be told by these same priesthood leaders that my sole role in this life is to be a nurturer and to get married and have babies... that can't be my sole purpose! I am single. My purpose has to be more than that. More than waiting until I'm dead to get the real blessings that I missed out on this life.
Today, I didn't go to church. Mostly because I slept through it. I've been struggling with attending church. I don't feel that I belong.
I did talk to my bishop about my concerns and he helped, a little, but he thinks "there's more to the story." Which I don't believe.
Anyway... that's where I am. Today, even though it's Sunday, I think I will clean my house while trying to listen to conference. I did love many of the talks from October Conference... I'm working on it. Maybe we're in transition. Because the Church has changed, my bishop pointed out, it will continue to change. I must hold on to the belief that the gospel is true.
Because the Church's ARP program has changed me. It saved me in many ways.
I'm going through my own transition as well. In an effort to help my therapy be easier, I'm simplifying my life. One way is that I'm changing PASG groups. They moved my original one further away and it's a struggle to get there. Plus, there is a different ARP mission area closer to me and I feel the desire to be closer to home. Most of the women from the group when I originally began coming, no longer come. It's new people and I figure I can feel just as alone in a new group and not have to drive 20 miles. And to not have to freak out every week trying to survive the interstate traffic. I hope to make new friends there.
Wish me luck as a trudge.
Showing posts with label LDS ARP program. Show all posts
Showing posts with label LDS ARP program. Show all posts
Sunday, October 21, 2018
Sunday, July 23, 2017
If you don't take the time to be well...
The above quote is from Elder Holland's talk "Like A Broken Vessel," which has always been one of my favorites, because I am broken in many, many ways. Sometimes I feel irrevocably so.
The entire quote is "Physicians promise us that if we do not take time to be well, we most assuredly
will take time later on to be ill." And I learned lesson a few weeks ago...
With the stress of trying to find a place to live, commuting, dealing with late nights, and depression and anxiety... I was letting things slip.
And I was hit with a major trigger... I found out I might have to see a family member that I haven't seen in over a decade and have no desire to see or ever have anything to do with. At the time, I thought I was fine with it.
I've forgiven this person, but, as ARP has taught me, it doesn't mean I have to have a relationship with them. Especially when they refuse to change.
Anyway... at the time I didn't think anything of this. I'd come off a slightly stressful weekend with family (trigger festival galore) and a long, stressful day. I was trying to get ready for a work conference and... I had a breakdown and ended up in the hospital.
It was wave after wave of anxiety attacks. I couldn't get control of it and I realized at group this week that it was because I haven't been taking the time to be well. Spiritually, emotionally, or physically.
My meditation has fallen by the wayside. I don't exercise. I barely get enough sleep and I skipped church to spend the day looking at apartments online. (It's no surprise none of those panned out.)
I was running faster than I had strength and when the anxiety attack came... I couldn't handle it. And I ended up in the ER followed by another day of anxiety attacks. Plus, a few user dreams because that is how I usually dealt with this in the past.
It's been very hard, I've been forced to deal with emotions and triggers I've buried for a long time. Also, because God didn't instantly fix me. I got a blessing from a random man that day and I still ended up in the ER. I was mad because I wanted the immediate healing. And I didn't get it. I didn't start feeling okay for a couple days. I thought that my Heavenly Father hadn't helped me, that He had... not abandoned me, but definitely didn't do things my way.
Until I realized that I had led myself to this. The consequences were something I was complicit in because I had become complacent (from Elder Sabin's talk this last conference).
The best part? I survived! The worst happened and I didn't die. I didn't end up broken and irreparable in some psych ward... lost forever.
My Heavenly Father was there. He sent angels on both sides of the veil.
And I'm learning to take better care of myself and focus more on including the Savior and Heavenly Father in my life. I'm taking the time to be well and in recovery.
Hope is there. The future is bright and God is over all.
This is one of my favorite songs right now. It's how I feel. I'm may be dry bones, but my Heavenly Father will raise me up again.
"I may just be dry bones
Stripped of sinew and skin
But the wind of His spirit
Will raise me up again
I lift my eyes
I look to the horizon now
Oh, there's still a song to sing
Fall down on your knees and cry aloud
Can you hear
Can you hear that thunder
Sing His name, sing it out
'Til the sky spills over"
The entire quote is "Physicians promise us that if we do not take time to be well, we most assuredly
will take time later on to be ill." And I learned lesson a few weeks ago...
With the stress of trying to find a place to live, commuting, dealing with late nights, and depression and anxiety... I was letting things slip.
And I was hit with a major trigger... I found out I might have to see a family member that I haven't seen in over a decade and have no desire to see or ever have anything to do with. At the time, I thought I was fine with it.
I've forgiven this person, but, as ARP has taught me, it doesn't mean I have to have a relationship with them. Especially when they refuse to change.
Anyway... at the time I didn't think anything of this. I'd come off a slightly stressful weekend with family (trigger festival galore) and a long, stressful day. I was trying to get ready for a work conference and... I had a breakdown and ended up in the hospital.
It was wave after wave of anxiety attacks. I couldn't get control of it and I realized at group this week that it was because I haven't been taking the time to be well. Spiritually, emotionally, or physically.
My meditation has fallen by the wayside. I don't exercise. I barely get enough sleep and I skipped church to spend the day looking at apartments online. (It's no surprise none of those panned out.)
I was running faster than I had strength and when the anxiety attack came... I couldn't handle it. And I ended up in the ER followed by another day of anxiety attacks. Plus, a few user dreams because that is how I usually dealt with this in the past.
It's been very hard, I've been forced to deal with emotions and triggers I've buried for a long time. Also, because God didn't instantly fix me. I got a blessing from a random man that day and I still ended up in the ER. I was mad because I wanted the immediate healing. And I didn't get it. I didn't start feeling okay for a couple days. I thought that my Heavenly Father hadn't helped me, that He had... not abandoned me, but definitely didn't do things my way.
Until I realized that I had led myself to this. The consequences were something I was complicit in because I had become complacent (from Elder Sabin's talk this last conference).
The best part? I survived! The worst happened and I didn't die. I didn't end up broken and irreparable in some psych ward... lost forever.
My Heavenly Father was there. He sent angels on both sides of the veil.
And I'm learning to take better care of myself and focus more on including the Savior and Heavenly Father in my life. I'm taking the time to be well and in recovery.
Hope is there. The future is bright and God is over all.
"I may just be dry bones
Stripped of sinew and skin
But the wind of His spirit
Will raise me up again
I lift my eyes
I look to the horizon now
Oh, there's still a song to sing
Fall down on your knees and cry aloud
Can you hear
Can you hear that thunder
Sing His name, sing it out
'Til the sky spills over"
Sunday, June 11, 2017
Working the steps and surviving life.
2017 has been... good... and bad... so mostly normal.
I struggle to realize that it's not all bad and try and find the good. We need both.
I've learned that. I can't be happy all day every day. I realized that while watching Inside Out last month. Joy annoys me and I realized she won't allow the other feelings to be felt.
As you know, I struggle with anxiety and depression and they've been switching places. I'd go through the week feeling anxious and fighting off panic attacks, only to sink into depression on the weekends.
Since the New Year: I've had to get my car repaired several times, even got a new engine, because I was stupid and drove it while it was overheating... so I was isolated and having to ask for help to get to work and I am not good at asking for help.
I've been sick and ill, and having anxiety about that... and the car kept having issues.
This last week I've struggled with sleep, with making myself get out of bed in the morning to go to work, even though I love my job... I've felt helpless and hopeless, dealing with user dreams and triggers in ways I haven't in a while.
At work, we had a training on a book on triggers (not only addiction, but good and bad triggers), which was something I hadn't thought of before. There can be good triggers. And trigger festivals. That's my new favorite description of spending time with my family. I'm off the the trigger festival.
It didn't help that I missed group twice in a row due to all this craziness.
I learned I needed to be gentle with myself. This week, things started to look up. I'm off my anxiety meds, on new depression meds. I'm going to find a new counselor. I found a new doctor who is awesome... I also decided I'm going to move. Being so far away from work is not good, it's frustrating and time consuming. Especially as a single woman. I actually hired a cleaning lady for the month because I was sick for the second time in a month, stressed, anxious, depressed, and feeling overwhelmed. I do not regret it.
The housing situation is also stressful. Oh, the stories I could tell.
I may attend the Single Adult ward once I move... but the jury is still out on that decision.
I realize that I'm learning to deal with my depression and anxiety in ways I haven't had to before now. The last time I had anxiety this bad, I hadn't started recovery. So I would use my addiction to cope. Which explains the user dreams, because my body still thinks that's the solution. Which it isn't.
Today, I feel good. I feel better than I have in a while.
Recovering from addiction is about rewiring the brain. So is recovery from anxiety and depression. It's teaching my brain what is truth and what is lies. No, I do not have blood poisoning because my leg is red where I just scratched it. No, I did not just relapse and give up on recovery.
None of this has been easy. But I feel similar to the way I did six years ago... recovery is possible. I'm not defined by addiction. Or depression. Or anxiety.
And there is hope in that. Recovery.
I struggle to realize that it's not all bad and try and find the good. We need both.
I've learned that. I can't be happy all day every day. I realized that while watching Inside Out last month. Joy annoys me and I realized she won't allow the other feelings to be felt.
As you know, I struggle with anxiety and depression and they've been switching places. I'd go through the week feeling anxious and fighting off panic attacks, only to sink into depression on the weekends.
Since the New Year: I've had to get my car repaired several times, even got a new engine, because I was stupid and drove it while it was overheating... so I was isolated and having to ask for help to get to work and I am not good at asking for help.
I've been sick and ill, and having anxiety about that... and the car kept having issues.
This last week I've struggled with sleep, with making myself get out of bed in the morning to go to work, even though I love my job... I've felt helpless and hopeless, dealing with user dreams and triggers in ways I haven't in a while.
At work, we had a training on a book on triggers (not only addiction, but good and bad triggers), which was something I hadn't thought of before. There can be good triggers. And trigger festivals. That's my new favorite description of spending time with my family. I'm off the the trigger festival.
It didn't help that I missed group twice in a row due to all this craziness.
I learned I needed to be gentle with myself. This week, things started to look up. I'm off my anxiety meds, on new depression meds. I'm going to find a new counselor. I found a new doctor who is awesome... I also decided I'm going to move. Being so far away from work is not good, it's frustrating and time consuming. Especially as a single woman. I actually hired a cleaning lady for the month because I was sick for the second time in a month, stressed, anxious, depressed, and feeling overwhelmed. I do not regret it.
The housing situation is also stressful. Oh, the stories I could tell.
I may attend the Single Adult ward once I move... but the jury is still out on that decision.
I realize that I'm learning to deal with my depression and anxiety in ways I haven't had to before now. The last time I had anxiety this bad, I hadn't started recovery. So I would use my addiction to cope. Which explains the user dreams, because my body still thinks that's the solution. Which it isn't.
Today, I feel good. I feel better than I have in a while.
Recovering from addiction is about rewiring the brain. So is recovery from anxiety and depression. It's teaching my brain what is truth and what is lies. No, I do not have blood poisoning because my leg is red where I just scratched it. No, I did not just relapse and give up on recovery.
None of this has been easy. But I feel similar to the way I did six years ago... recovery is possible. I'm not defined by addiction. Or depression. Or anxiety.
And there is hope in that. Recovery.
Sunday, January 01, 2017
Happy New Year!
I started this blog post a few weeks ago and it was pretty bleak. 2016 has been hard. Add to that the deaths of Carrie Fisher, one of my heroes, and it really hit me hard.
I am so tired.
I've agreed to write a book for an editor friend and it's way overdue. I said I would get some chapters to them after Thanksgiving and I... am still working on it. But I need the money, because I have a two hour commute each day. It's less if I drive, but then I can't work on the book if I drive and driving stresses me out and uses up gas money.
I got massively ill the week of the election and spent the night of the election pacing my landlady's basement, having huge, massive anxiety attacks. So I missed two days of work at a job I just started. Then, because of the fallout from the election I got to go on anxiety meds which exhaust me.
So my typical day is barely making it to work on time (my boss is so, so understanding, but there's also that fear that they're not really and one day they'll just fire me like my last two jobs this year), working, barely seeing the sun, traveling home in the dark, and finally getting home after 10+ hours away from home.
My house is messy. I put up my Christmas tree a week before Christmas. A couple weeks before, I hurriedly put up a few decorations and my nativity, just to try and feel the Christmas spirit... it hasn't really worked. The holidays felt rushed, my anxiety is through the roof and I've been getting into political arguments on Facebook and was accused by a friend that I was calling her racist... so I think I've lost some friendships over that.
Spending 5 days with my family was great and nice and fun and horrible and lonely and so stressful.
Yesterday, I cried. It was New Year's Eve and no one called to invite me over. I realize how often we forget the single people in the church. I don't mean widows or widowers or divorcees... I mean me. Those of us who have never been married. Who have to sit through church hearing about how to raise a family, or how to apply this lesson to our kids.
I was lonely and stressed and I just wanted someone to reach out to let me know I was remembered. It was a friend from the UK who messaged me a sweet Scottish poem about the New year and I cried. I cried because I miss Scotland. I miss my friends there. The members of the church who did not let me fall through the cracks. Ugh. Honestly, I'm so tired of walking through this desert.
But it's a new year and, as one of my favorite songs, says "Yesterday's a closing door, you don't live there anymore" it's onward and upward. I've accepted that, barring angelic manifestation and possibly a heavenly sign, I'm alone for 2017. Oh, I'm avoiding Single Adult activities like the plague! It's rather like I'm daring Heavenly Father for a miracle. :)
I want to move closer to work, which I will start working on once the dang book is finished.
I will to exercise daily, even if it's only 10 minutes on the thingy in the basement.
In other good news, I'm seeing a counselor for free this week. I do love my job.
I worry that I'm sabotaging myself, but I'm also asking for Heavenly Father's help. I feel hopeful for 2017. It will be hard to leave where I live now, but I also feel that pull to move on. I really, really miss the sun.
To end, new year, new beginnings. But every day can be a new beginning. Also, I'm finally answering some questions on Step 12!! YAY! It's a New Year's miracle!
It will be okay in the end. Trust in God.
Happy New Year!
I am so tired.
I've agreed to write a book for an editor friend and it's way overdue. I said I would get some chapters to them after Thanksgiving and I... am still working on it. But I need the money, because I have a two hour commute each day. It's less if I drive, but then I can't work on the book if I drive and driving stresses me out and uses up gas money.
I got massively ill the week of the election and spent the night of the election pacing my landlady's basement, having huge, massive anxiety attacks. So I missed two days of work at a job I just started. Then, because of the fallout from the election I got to go on anxiety meds which exhaust me.
So my typical day is barely making it to work on time (my boss is so, so understanding, but there's also that fear that they're not really and one day they'll just fire me like my last two jobs this year), working, barely seeing the sun, traveling home in the dark, and finally getting home after 10+ hours away from home.
My house is messy. I put up my Christmas tree a week before Christmas. A couple weeks before, I hurriedly put up a few decorations and my nativity, just to try and feel the Christmas spirit... it hasn't really worked. The holidays felt rushed, my anxiety is through the roof and I've been getting into political arguments on Facebook and was accused by a friend that I was calling her racist... so I think I've lost some friendships over that.
Spending 5 days with my family was great and nice and fun and horrible and lonely and so stressful.
Yesterday, I cried. It was New Year's Eve and no one called to invite me over. I realize how often we forget the single people in the church. I don't mean widows or widowers or divorcees... I mean me. Those of us who have never been married. Who have to sit through church hearing about how to raise a family, or how to apply this lesson to our kids.
I was lonely and stressed and I just wanted someone to reach out to let me know I was remembered. It was a friend from the UK who messaged me a sweet Scottish poem about the New year and I cried. I cried because I miss Scotland. I miss my friends there. The members of the church who did not let me fall through the cracks. Ugh. Honestly, I'm so tired of walking through this desert.
But it's a new year and, as one of my favorite songs, says "Yesterday's a closing door, you don't live there anymore" it's onward and upward. I've accepted that, barring angelic manifestation and possibly a heavenly sign, I'm alone for 2017. Oh, I'm avoiding Single Adult activities like the plague! It's rather like I'm daring Heavenly Father for a miracle. :)
I want to move closer to work, which I will start working on once the dang book is finished.
I will to exercise daily, even if it's only 10 minutes on the thingy in the basement.
In other good news, I'm seeing a counselor for free this week. I do love my job.
I worry that I'm sabotaging myself, but I'm also asking for Heavenly Father's help. I feel hopeful for 2017. It will be hard to leave where I live now, but I also feel that pull to move on. I really, really miss the sun.
To end, new year, new beginnings. But every day can be a new beginning. Also, I'm finally answering some questions on Step 12!! YAY! It's a New Year's miracle!
It will be okay in the end. Trust in God.
Happy New Year!
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Up, down and all around
Hi! I haven't posted in the last few weeks because, well... life.
I lost my job after only two months and struggled with being out of work again. There wasn't the cushion of money and, honestly, losing two jobs in five months is not great on the self-esteem.
So I went back to job hunting. It was hard and I struggled with anxiety and depression and triggers.
I was definitely having many Children of Israel "moments" where I worried that nothing good was coming.
But it has come! I have a job! A career that I am sure I will love. Interestingly enough, it came the week I've struggled very hard with my triggers.
It started with a British show that I had chosen not to watch when it aired last year, for various reasons, but was curious enough to rent it from my library before the new series aired... and it turns out I should have listened to that original prompting.
It wasn't a explicit show, in fact, it was actually tame, but I ended up watching six hours straight, staying up until 5am, which is not good to do the week before you start a new job, but what was unexpected was the longing that the main male character brought out in me. There were a lot of intense emotions.
The main character is played by a very beautiful man and the character in the story is a good guy too... stands up for the weak, etc. And suddenly I was dealing with feelings of passion and longing and desire that I had not felt in, well, over two years. My heart was broken and I realize now, that I shut down my heart and those natural desires. I am social, but I've avoided the local Single Adult group like it was infested with the plague. If God wanted me to meet someone, it was going to involve a high amount of Divine intervention.
Now here I was, early in the morning after spending six hours intensely involved in a tv show, feeling all these emotions and desires that were triggering and I was being triggered. I found myself looking up the actor, which used to be a prelude to indulging in my fantasy addiction. I stopped. Also, I've been triggering all week. As I was driving to Group this week, I realized that what I was feeling wasn't bad or wrong! These are natural feelings and emotions. It was how I needed to deal with them. Limerence, love, passion, desire... are normal! I had taken them and distorted them. Then, the big reveal happened... this was happening because Heavenly Father wants me to learn how to "bridle my passions" for a future relationship. (Not that I have any idea how far away this future is... it could be years)... so that revelation led to my realization that I had tampered all romantic emotions. Honestly, my first reaction was ugh. I do not feel at all ready or even willing for this. It brings up a lot of deep-seated fears about intimacy and marriage that I've struggled with for years. But I will soldier through. A friend in group sent me a couple great articles on this topic. I might share these later.
One of the hardest parts from this week was reading articles posted by a Mormon on sex and porn addictions being myths. That is a whole other blog post, which I hope to write soon. Still, with that temptation there... and the idea that it isn't a "real"addiction... that created a whole new issue and trigger.
BUT I resisted! Prayer helped a lot. I reached out to my Heavenly Father constantly. I look forward to learning more about myself and how to control my emotions and passions. Because what I feel isn't a sin! All this will be okay. I have my PASG group. I have my defenses and actions. I have my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost cheering me on.
I lost my job after only two months and struggled with being out of work again. There wasn't the cushion of money and, honestly, losing two jobs in five months is not great on the self-esteem.
So I went back to job hunting. It was hard and I struggled with anxiety and depression and triggers.
I was definitely having many Children of Israel "moments" where I worried that nothing good was coming.
But it has come! I have a job! A career that I am sure I will love. Interestingly enough, it came the week I've struggled very hard with my triggers.
It started with a British show that I had chosen not to watch when it aired last year, for various reasons, but was curious enough to rent it from my library before the new series aired... and it turns out I should have listened to that original prompting.
It wasn't a explicit show, in fact, it was actually tame, but I ended up watching six hours straight, staying up until 5am, which is not good to do the week before you start a new job, but what was unexpected was the longing that the main male character brought out in me. There were a lot of intense emotions.
The main character is played by a very beautiful man and the character in the story is a good guy too... stands up for the weak, etc. And suddenly I was dealing with feelings of passion and longing and desire that I had not felt in, well, over two years. My heart was broken and I realize now, that I shut down my heart and those natural desires. I am social, but I've avoided the local Single Adult group like it was infested with the plague. If God wanted me to meet someone, it was going to involve a high amount of Divine intervention.
Now here I was, early in the morning after spending six hours intensely involved in a tv show, feeling all these emotions and desires that were triggering and I was being triggered. I found myself looking up the actor, which used to be a prelude to indulging in my fantasy addiction. I stopped. Also, I've been triggering all week. As I was driving to Group this week, I realized that what I was feeling wasn't bad or wrong! These are natural feelings and emotions. It was how I needed to deal with them. Limerence, love, passion, desire... are normal! I had taken them and distorted them. Then, the big reveal happened... this was happening because Heavenly Father wants me to learn how to "bridle my passions" for a future relationship. (Not that I have any idea how far away this future is... it could be years)... so that revelation led to my realization that I had tampered all romantic emotions. Honestly, my first reaction was ugh. I do not feel at all ready or even willing for this. It brings up a lot of deep-seated fears about intimacy and marriage that I've struggled with for years. But I will soldier through. A friend in group sent me a couple great articles on this topic. I might share these later.
One of the hardest parts from this week was reading articles posted by a Mormon on sex and porn addictions being myths. That is a whole other blog post, which I hope to write soon. Still, with that temptation there... and the idea that it isn't a "real"addiction... that created a whole new issue and trigger.
BUT I resisted! Prayer helped a lot. I reached out to my Heavenly Father constantly. I look forward to learning more about myself and how to control my emotions and passions. Because what I feel isn't a sin! All this will be okay. I have my PASG group. I have my defenses and actions. I have my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost cheering me on.
Sunday, June 05, 2016
Thoughts and happenings (it's getting better)
In the past two weeks, I've forked out money for a cat that somehow got grass up his nose and then I severely injured my foot...
Money worries, cat worries, and a foot I can't use did not make the last couple weeks easier. The addition of some more rejection emails and a phone call did not help. Honestly, I felt very down.
I've been going to church, but, honestly, just because I know I should. I'm not paying attention or listening at lot. Which is not good, but I do not feel connected.
But that has changed.
I have a job! A real career like job that I think I will love doing. I am so excited about it. A great weight has been lifted! Plus, I had to turn down this other job that I really, really didn't want. That was a great feeling.
The Lord is truly blessing me.
I was thinking about it and realized that it was because I was working for it. And I learned this by working at recovery.
I thought of all the times, when I was an addict, that I knelt and prayed for forgiveness. I cried and I prayed and I did okay for a while, until I found myself in the same position again.
After starting recovery, I realized it was because I wasn't working toward change. Yes, I would sincerely repent, but I kept reading the same books (or, usually, skipping the bad parts for awhile), indulging in fantasy, watching certain scenes in films... and fueling my fantasy with music. I wasn't changing anything, but expecting different results.
Once I started working on recovery, sacrificing and replacing my addiction with healthier ways of coping, then I began to succeed in recovery! And I learned more. I realized that my fantasies were not innocent and gave those up. I gave up certain music (goodbye Maroon 5) and movies... and books!
And my addiction has gradually lost power over me. I am becoming a non-addict with risk factors!
So, when I lost my job.... I could have given in to my addiction (I've had several user dreams... ugh), which was a stronger voice than I anticipated, and just given up. Sat down and waited for the Lord to bless me. But, I found as I was turning myself to God, and working toward my goal of getting a job. I sent out so many applications... sooo many! I prayed, but I also worked on it. The results weren't instant, but they came.
Because God loves me. He loves you and He wants to help us succeed.
We just have to keep pressing forward and reaching for Him.
Money worries, cat worries, and a foot I can't use did not make the last couple weeks easier. The addition of some more rejection emails and a phone call did not help. Honestly, I felt very down.
I've been going to church, but, honestly, just because I know I should. I'm not paying attention or listening at lot. Which is not good, but I do not feel connected.
But that has changed.
I have a job! A real career like job that I think I will love doing. I am so excited about it. A great weight has been lifted! Plus, I had to turn down this other job that I really, really didn't want. That was a great feeling.
The Lord is truly blessing me.
I was thinking about it and realized that it was because I was working for it. And I learned this by working at recovery.
I thought of all the times, when I was an addict, that I knelt and prayed for forgiveness. I cried and I prayed and I did okay for a while, until I found myself in the same position again.
After starting recovery, I realized it was because I wasn't working toward change. Yes, I would sincerely repent, but I kept reading the same books (or, usually, skipping the bad parts for awhile), indulging in fantasy, watching certain scenes in films... and fueling my fantasy with music. I wasn't changing anything, but expecting different results.
Once I started working on recovery, sacrificing and replacing my addiction with healthier ways of coping, then I began to succeed in recovery! And I learned more. I realized that my fantasies were not innocent and gave those up. I gave up certain music (goodbye Maroon 5) and movies... and books!
And my addiction has gradually lost power over me. I am becoming a non-addict with risk factors!
So, when I lost my job.... I could have given in to my addiction (I've had several user dreams... ugh), which was a stronger voice than I anticipated, and just given up. Sat down and waited for the Lord to bless me. But, I found as I was turning myself to God, and working toward my goal of getting a job. I sent out so many applications... sooo many! I prayed, but I also worked on it. The results weren't instant, but they came.
Because God loves me. He loves you and He wants to help us succeed.
We just have to keep pressing forward and reaching for Him.
Sunday, March 27, 2016
What the heck?!
Life has been hard lately - which is par for the course.
I hope that I'm dealing with it better, learning to take care of myself and not use shame to berate myself for not being perfect every day. To be enough and see what I have accomplished every day.
Depression and addiction are daily battles.
So yesterday I spent some time with friends and treated myself to a new necklace.
I'm learning to bake and will attempt to make my own almond milk soon.
It's been a rough week, partly because of something unexpected that happened.
I'm attending a Pornography Treatment Workshop that LDS Family Services offers. I was hesitant because, well, I'm in recovery for 5 years and this seems more geared to those just introduced to recovery. My counselor and I thought it was a good idea to help me boost my recovery skills and help with my depression by learning new things and giving service to others.
I was just starting to feel that I was contributing and also gaining a lot from the weekly sessions.
Then...
Two things. 1) It's a joke that every new ARP Group I attend has someone I know there. My very first ARP Meeting started this. Since I moved down to UT, that hasn't been the case...
2) I've never felt a desire to reveal myself as a Sex addict. I have prayed about it, but I don't feel it's time. One reason is that I am more than my addiction and I don't think it would be beneficial to announce it. Although I'm sure people can figure it out. :) (that's not to say it isn't a good thing to do - it's just not right for me)
So I'm sitting in our class and we're about 15 minutes into it. We were discussing Elder Faust's talk on the Atonement from Oct 2001. A talk that gave me hope at a very dark time of my life. I'd messed up the night before (my euphemism for masturbation) and was feeling very unworthy and dirty and hopeless. His talk gave me hope. It's always held a special place in my heart. It only took 9 more years for me to start recovery! ha ha ha.
Anyway, I'd just shared this story when there was knock on the door. And in walked one of my coworkers. For an internship.
Honestly, I started censoring myself. It was funny in a small way, but I still felt... odd and uncomfortable. I knew it wasn't because I was afraid of this person tattling on me. She is not like that. It wasn't until I was texting a fellow PASG friend that I realized why... because it wasn't my choice. My addiction was revealed without my having the choice to reveal it. Also, and this is the biggest issue... this is not a fellow addict. In previous groups, I felt comfortable meeting people I knew because they were having the same struggles I was. But this co worker is an intern and now she knows one of my deepest struggles. Nothing's changed at work... She hasn't said anything about it. Very nice. But I'm still not entirely comfortable with her yet.
Sigh.
The cowardly part of me wants to never go back, but I will. Running away accomplishes so little.
Plus, the damage is already done. ;)
Finally, a very happy Easter to you all! I have spent a very nice day pretty much alone and it's actually been very nice. I'm also working on scheduling my days out. Today I have cooked dinner! It was very good. And now I'm going to index and then bed. I've had several user dreams lately and I know it's due to lack of sleep with the additional stress. That is on my to-do list too - get enough sleep!
Remember that you and I are not alone, because the Savior is there. He walked alone, so we don't have to now.
I hope that I'm dealing with it better, learning to take care of myself and not use shame to berate myself for not being perfect every day. To be enough and see what I have accomplished every day.
Depression and addiction are daily battles.
So yesterday I spent some time with friends and treated myself to a new necklace.
I'm learning to bake and will attempt to make my own almond milk soon.
It's been a rough week, partly because of something unexpected that happened.
I'm attending a Pornography Treatment Workshop that LDS Family Services offers. I was hesitant because, well, I'm in recovery for 5 years and this seems more geared to those just introduced to recovery. My counselor and I thought it was a good idea to help me boost my recovery skills and help with my depression by learning new things and giving service to others.
I was just starting to feel that I was contributing and also gaining a lot from the weekly sessions.
Then...
Two things. 1) It's a joke that every new ARP Group I attend has someone I know there. My very first ARP Meeting started this. Since I moved down to UT, that hasn't been the case...
2) I've never felt a desire to reveal myself as a Sex addict. I have prayed about it, but I don't feel it's time. One reason is that I am more than my addiction and I don't think it would be beneficial to announce it. Although I'm sure people can figure it out. :) (that's not to say it isn't a good thing to do - it's just not right for me)
So I'm sitting in our class and we're about 15 minutes into it. We were discussing Elder Faust's talk on the Atonement from Oct 2001. A talk that gave me hope at a very dark time of my life. I'd messed up the night before (my euphemism for masturbation) and was feeling very unworthy and dirty and hopeless. His talk gave me hope. It's always held a special place in my heart. It only took 9 more years for me to start recovery! ha ha ha.
Anyway, I'd just shared this story when there was knock on the door. And in walked one of my coworkers. For an internship.
Honestly, I started censoring myself. It was funny in a small way, but I still felt... odd and uncomfortable. I knew it wasn't because I was afraid of this person tattling on me. She is not like that. It wasn't until I was texting a fellow PASG friend that I realized why... because it wasn't my choice. My addiction was revealed without my having the choice to reveal it. Also, and this is the biggest issue... this is not a fellow addict. In previous groups, I felt comfortable meeting people I knew because they were having the same struggles I was. But this co worker is an intern and now she knows one of my deepest struggles. Nothing's changed at work... She hasn't said anything about it. Very nice. But I'm still not entirely comfortable with her yet.
Sigh.
The cowardly part of me wants to never go back, but I will. Running away accomplishes so little.
Plus, the damage is already done. ;)
Finally, a very happy Easter to you all! I have spent a very nice day pretty much alone and it's actually been very nice. I'm also working on scheduling my days out. Today I have cooked dinner! It was very good. And now I'm going to index and then bed. I've had several user dreams lately and I know it's due to lack of sleep with the additional stress. That is on my to-do list too - get enough sleep!
Remember that you and I are not alone, because the Savior is there. He walked alone, so we don't have to now.
Monday, February 08, 2016
Tender Mercies
Five years ago this month was my time of darkness. I dived into my addiction.
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.
Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.
I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.
The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!
One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.
I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!
I feel better! Not that life is suddenly easy. It doesn't seem so completely overwhelming and impossible.
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.
Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.
I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.
The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!
One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.
I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!
Tender Mercies
Five years ago this month was my time of darkness. I dived into my addiction.
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.
Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.
I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.
The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!
One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.
I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!
I feel better! Not that life is suddenly easy. It doesn't seem so completely overwhelming and impossible.
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.
Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.
I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.
The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!
One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.
I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!
Tender Mercies
Five years ago this month was my time of darkness. I dived into my addiction.
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.
Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.
I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.
The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!
One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.
I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!
I feel better! Not that life is suddenly easy. It doesn't seem so completely overwhelming and impossible.
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.
Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.
I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.
The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!
One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.
I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!
Sunday, October 18, 2015
It's too heavy
Good thing: I finally was able to go to group last week. I missed the reading, but I was there for the sharing. Which was really good, but I was exhausted afterward.
This illness is not going away.
I'm getting better, just not as fast as I would like.
It's frustrating. I'm tired, ill and can't eat hardly anything.
I try to eat something that sounds good and it bites me back.
I called my doctor and went to see a specialist. It didn't help that, while filling out the paperwork, anesthesia was mentioned and my dear brain started to freak out.
It's been freaking out a lot lately.
My anxiety's been coming in waves. I take a pill, I eat something, etc, and I get all nervous again.
I'm so tired.
The specialist basically said this is going to take time to heal.
Ugh.
Added to that, I've been having two or three user dreams every week. Really strong ones, where I wake up not knowing if this was real or just a dream. Stupid brain.
I haven't been keeping up with my scripture reading or journal writing. I feel too tired to do it.
Paul's writings are really hard to understand when you're mental capacity is low.
There are changes I want to make, improvements. Like scheduling my day and trying to work out. Or working on the steps.
I'm finally on Step 12. (yay)
I wish I could feel more positive, be more positive, but this has been going on for months. And I'm tired, sick and sad.
All of this has brought up feelings of homesickness for the UK.
I'm feeling stuck. It's hard when people talk about following your dreams, because I so am not doing that right now. Hitting a brick wall at every turn.
I want something different, but I have no idea what. Plus, thinking and worrying about this while sick is not helpful.
I'm trying not to be Lot's wife, but dang, is it hard. This week marks 4 years since I came home from the UK. I miss it so. I feel like I have no purpose here.
I try to be thankful. I'm grateful for my apartment, for my landlords, for rainbows and birds on top of morning sun kissed trees. But when you wonder what the point is. Why am I going through this?
With me being so sick, I've missed work and I have no leave hours left, so money has been tight. Which just adds to the worries.
I went and saw the bishop last week, and there is some hope, but I missed church today and the sacrament. I honestly don't want to go.
Today it's too heavy.
There is so much to do, but I don't know where to start or how.
Sorry this is such a downer. Today I'm sad and tired and worried.
But here is a song of hope.
This illness is not going away.
I'm getting better, just not as fast as I would like.
It's frustrating. I'm tired, ill and can't eat hardly anything.
I try to eat something that sounds good and it bites me back.
I called my doctor and went to see a specialist. It didn't help that, while filling out the paperwork, anesthesia was mentioned and my dear brain started to freak out.
It's been freaking out a lot lately.
My anxiety's been coming in waves. I take a pill, I eat something, etc, and I get all nervous again.
I'm so tired.
The specialist basically said this is going to take time to heal.
Ugh.
Added to that, I've been having two or three user dreams every week. Really strong ones, where I wake up not knowing if this was real or just a dream. Stupid brain.
I haven't been keeping up with my scripture reading or journal writing. I feel too tired to do it.
Paul's writings are really hard to understand when you're mental capacity is low.
There are changes I want to make, improvements. Like scheduling my day and trying to work out. Or working on the steps.
I'm finally on Step 12. (yay)
I wish I could feel more positive, be more positive, but this has been going on for months. And I'm tired, sick and sad.
All of this has brought up feelings of homesickness for the UK.
I'm feeling stuck. It's hard when people talk about following your dreams, because I so am not doing that right now. Hitting a brick wall at every turn.
I want something different, but I have no idea what. Plus, thinking and worrying about this while sick is not helpful.
I'm trying not to be Lot's wife, but dang, is it hard. This week marks 4 years since I came home from the UK. I miss it so. I feel like I have no purpose here.
I try to be thankful. I'm grateful for my apartment, for my landlords, for rainbows and birds on top of morning sun kissed trees. But when you wonder what the point is. Why am I going through this?
With me being so sick, I've missed work and I have no leave hours left, so money has been tight. Which just adds to the worries.
I went and saw the bishop last week, and there is some hope, but I missed church today and the sacrament. I honestly don't want to go.
Today it's too heavy.
There is so much to do, but I don't know where to start or how.
Sorry this is such a downer. Today I'm sad and tired and worried.
But here is a song of hope.
Sunday, September 27, 2015
There's gotta be a point to this.... please
Today.
Today is hard.
This whole week has been a trial.
Ha.
These past two months have been a trial.
I'm tired. I've been having panic attacks all day.
I've felt weak and ill.
Totally freaked out.
Last Sunday I started feeling sick after church and then it hit full force on Monday.
After I got some bad news on Monday about work and my pay.
I went home early and was up most of that night. I figured it was food poisoning.
Missed work Tuesday, started feeling better that night and then was up again.
So Wednesday I went to see my doctor.
It's not food poisoning.
I've missed a lot of work. I have no idea how to make ends meet.
Two Priesthood blessings have helped, but not healed like I hoped (as in instant, or at least overnight).
Two user dreams this week as well. Very real and very troubling.
BUT I finally got to take the sacrament today!
I have a kitty curled up on my leg.
Inside, I feel things will get better. That I will make it through this.
Casting Crowns came out with a new song and I love it.
It came on the radio the other day when I was feeling so lost and alone.
Stop holding on and just be held.
My addiction won't beat me. Neither will my depression.
I'll overcome the lies.
Just as soon as I feel up to it....
Sunday, July 12, 2015
A boat on the sea.
That's how I've been feeling the past couple weeks. Not a lost boat, but a boat bobbing up and down as it travels. High up on the waves and then down into the depths.
There have been good things. I got to see a dear recovery friend's wedding and see a very, very good film, InsideOut.
And then one of my relatives from my dad's side of the family showed up, which caused a lot of triggers and some panic attacks. That was "fun."
Added to that, my dad is trying to make contact again. He wants my phone number and I told my brother that I didn't want him to have it.
You know how in Step 8 the manual recalls the woman who is able to forgive her abusive father and be relived of her painful feelings?
I'm not there. I feel like I have forgiven him, but I also don't want him in my life. Because he pops in and out again when he feels like it and I don't want to go through that again. Because here I am going through this AGAIN.
Ugh.
Anyway, then there were hard days, but things started to look up. I went to spend the weekend with my family and, barring a mishap when I got wet when I didn't want to and I didn't react nicely, which caused some tension, but only briefly.
So last Monday I had a wonderful day. Work was good. I was getting on new meds that would help me, and I was feeling happy.
And then an unexpected expense hit and I floundered again.
The temptation to indulge in my addiction was back, because I knew it would help me feel better, with the addict part trying to forget that the feeling doesn't last!
I was mad at Heavenly Father too, because I don't feel like I've made any progress.
Just remember that depression lies. Addiction lies! Anxiety lies.
I was dealing with a lot of lies.
Added to this, was a post I put on Facebook that had people I thought friends attacking me.
I prayed. I found resources online to tell me that it is going to be okay. I watched videos of kitties and tigers. I played with my cats. I gave thanks for my cats. I accepted the moments of anxiety. I breathe. I tell myself it won't last and I keep walking.
I went to group last week, which was such a blessing. We read Step 2, Hope and I needed that message. Seriously, group is the BEST!
I take things easy. Although I still need to work on my sleep patterns.
And my brother gave me a blessing which really helped. It's gotten me through rough days this week.
I go outside at night and look at the stars and breathe and pause.
I am going to be okay. :)
I will keep fighting. I've learned that God can't help with all my battles (after all, He can't make phone calls, much though I wish He would ;) ), but He will help me during the fight.
Yes, I know Jesus loves me. Ups and downs are part of life. We have to keep sailing.
There have been good things. I got to see a dear recovery friend's wedding and see a very, very good film, InsideOut.
And then one of my relatives from my dad's side of the family showed up, which caused a lot of triggers and some panic attacks. That was "fun."
Added to that, my dad is trying to make contact again. He wants my phone number and I told my brother that I didn't want him to have it.
You know how in Step 8 the manual recalls the woman who is able to forgive her abusive father and be relived of her painful feelings?
I'm not there. I feel like I have forgiven him, but I also don't want him in my life. Because he pops in and out again when he feels like it and I don't want to go through that again. Because here I am going through this AGAIN.
Ugh.
Anyway, then there were hard days, but things started to look up. I went to spend the weekend with my family and, barring a mishap when I got wet when I didn't want to and I didn't react nicely, which caused some tension, but only briefly.
So last Monday I had a wonderful day. Work was good. I was getting on new meds that would help me, and I was feeling happy.
And then an unexpected expense hit and I floundered again.
The temptation to indulge in my addiction was back, because I knew it would help me feel better, with the addict part trying to forget that the feeling doesn't last!
I was mad at Heavenly Father too, because I don't feel like I've made any progress.
Just remember that depression lies. Addiction lies! Anxiety lies.
I was dealing with a lot of lies.
Added to this, was a post I put on Facebook that had people I thought friends attacking me.
I prayed. I found resources online to tell me that it is going to be okay. I watched videos of kitties and tigers. I played with my cats. I gave thanks for my cats. I accepted the moments of anxiety. I breathe. I tell myself it won't last and I keep walking.
I went to group last week, which was such a blessing. We read Step 2, Hope and I needed that message. Seriously, group is the BEST!
I take things easy. Although I still need to work on my sleep patterns.
And my brother gave me a blessing which really helped. It's gotten me through rough days this week.
I go outside at night and look at the stars and breathe and pause.
I am going to be okay. :)
I will keep fighting. I've learned that God can't help with all my battles (after all, He can't make phone calls, much though I wish He would ;) ), but He will help me during the fight.
Yes, I know Jesus loves me. Ups and downs are part of life. We have to keep sailing.
Saturday, June 20, 2015
Put one foot forward in faith. Then another.
The above quote is from Rosemary Wixom. It was on Facebook and I really liked it.
It's how I feel right now.
I'm still struggling. This last week was one of the roughest in a very long time. I've felt ill. I've felt depressed. I've felt overwhelmed. I've thrown up. I've wanted to give up and I've been scared and anxious.
Someone suddenly quit at work. Which added to my burdens there. And then there are hints, because I am struggling with being on time, that I might not get to keep my job! Just what I needed.
I've been sick, very sick and got a blessing. I'm feeling panicky, nervous, anxious, sad, and really nervous that I'm heading for a dark time like in the UK several years ago, where the only thing that got me through a day was listening to hymns and conference talks.
And then I get worried that I'll lose my job if I miss too much.
So I'm switching medications. Oh, it's been fun, a mix of headaches and anxiety, a lot of prayer involved. I finally figured out it was just my neck, not cancer like I was freaking out that it was. That's the fun with anxiety. Big worries with no basis in reality.
My brother is struggling with his addiction too. And this is affecting his marriage. And it's involving my family.
It's hard to not push and get involved, but step back and recognize that all you can do is bear your testimony and pray for him and his wife.
We each have to make the decision to be active in recovery.
My mom says to be active. To volunteer. The suggestion merely makes me feel overwhelmed. I should be writing in my journal every night. I should be exercising every day. I should be developing my talents.
And I want to curl up in bed and hide.
So I dragged myself to PASG group last night. Which was good, but this morning the feelings of loneliness overwhelmed me. I felt like I didn't have any friends. No one to rely on or turn to. I'm so tired of reaching out. Could someone, besides Heavenly Father, reach back?
I miss the UK. It's not going away and I admit that the UK is my go to escape place. The one place I think everything was perfect. Even though I know it wasn't perfect.
I'm lonely, I'm scared and I'm sad today.
The blessing I got last week used that phrase that bothers me "Heavenly Father is mindful of you." Mindful. Ugh! Mindful means "Bearing in mind" "Inclined to be aware." Not words that help me feel closer to my Father in Heaven.
And I know it's not Him. I know it's me. I'm struggling.
There are days I'm just glad I made it to work and fed myself.
Sorry this is so depressing. Someday, things will be better. I know that deep, deep down inside.
Today, though, I can't feel it.
So I'm going to clean my house. I'm going to go to Stake Conference. I will put one foot in front of the other and keep trying.
I may take a Social Media break. I'll see.
Today, I can make it through today.
It's how I feel right now.
I'm still struggling. This last week was one of the roughest in a very long time. I've felt ill. I've felt depressed. I've felt overwhelmed. I've thrown up. I've wanted to give up and I've been scared and anxious.
Someone suddenly quit at work. Which added to my burdens there. And then there are hints, because I am struggling with being on time, that I might not get to keep my job! Just what I needed.
I've been sick, very sick and got a blessing. I'm feeling panicky, nervous, anxious, sad, and really nervous that I'm heading for a dark time like in the UK several years ago, where the only thing that got me through a day was listening to hymns and conference talks.
And then I get worried that I'll lose my job if I miss too much.
So I'm switching medications. Oh, it's been fun, a mix of headaches and anxiety, a lot of prayer involved. I finally figured out it was just my neck, not cancer like I was freaking out that it was. That's the fun with anxiety. Big worries with no basis in reality.
My brother is struggling with his addiction too. And this is affecting his marriage. And it's involving my family.
It's hard to not push and get involved, but step back and recognize that all you can do is bear your testimony and pray for him and his wife.
We each have to make the decision to be active in recovery.
My mom says to be active. To volunteer. The suggestion merely makes me feel overwhelmed. I should be writing in my journal every night. I should be exercising every day. I should be developing my talents.
And I want to curl up in bed and hide.
So I dragged myself to PASG group last night. Which was good, but this morning the feelings of loneliness overwhelmed me. I felt like I didn't have any friends. No one to rely on or turn to. I'm so tired of reaching out. Could someone, besides Heavenly Father, reach back?
I miss the UK. It's not going away and I admit that the UK is my go to escape place. The one place I think everything was perfect. Even though I know it wasn't perfect.
I'm lonely, I'm scared and I'm sad today.
The blessing I got last week used that phrase that bothers me "Heavenly Father is mindful of you." Mindful. Ugh! Mindful means "Bearing in mind" "Inclined to be aware." Not words that help me feel closer to my Father in Heaven.
And I know it's not Him. I know it's me. I'm struggling.
There are days I'm just glad I made it to work and fed myself.
Sorry this is so depressing. Someday, things will be better. I know that deep, deep down inside.
Today, though, I can't feel it.
So I'm going to clean my house. I'm going to go to Stake Conference. I will put one foot in front of the other and keep trying.
I may take a Social Media break. I'll see.
Today, I can make it through today.
Sunday, June 07, 2015
Augh. Life is hard.
This past month has been a roller coaster.
And part of me just wants to be done.
Except that I can't.
I have to keep trudging.
I hate trudging.
In the past month I have felt so lonely, lost and alone. I've been so homesick for the UK. I've felt triggered and tempted and had memories of fantasies and books come back very strongly and clearly. I've literally had to physically move to resist temptation.
The loneliness I can fix, so I tried to get involved with local Single Adult group. Still haven't made any friends. It seems very cliquish. I'm still going, just without a lot of enthusiasm.
And then my dad contacted my brother for his birthday, which means I'm probably next.
I do feel that I have forgiven my father, but there's no desire to have anything to do with him. I just want him to leave me alone. The worry about it, coupled with the ache of wanting to have a dad, has added stress.
Then, Friday at work, a co worker saw me reading my Nook and teased me about reading a romance novel. Which stung because I don't want people to think that. He was just teasing.
So I went to group. I was the only one.
Group is what gets me through these times.
I struggle with the fear that I will be stuck here forever.
I know that I need to work on things, the program, my prayers, etc., and I'm trying to do that.
Today I'm fasting for myself, for help.
I'm working on being grateful. For a beautiful cloud, for rain, for the blessings that I do have, like an apartment I love. My cats. My family. My car.
The Gospel.
The Book of Mormon.
Last weekend, I went to the temple for the first time in months. I'm scheduling two regular days a month to go. I cannot miss those dates. :)
So, I don't have all the answers.
Today has been emotionally rough in a lot of ways. A lesson I taught which I didn't think went well at all. Finding out that Elder Holland was in my UK ward today. I miss it so much and I try not to live in the past.
And I missed the sacrament.
At times like these, it's so easy to beat myself up. Which starts a vicious cycle where it's hard to get up in the morning. I could just sit on my couch playing games on my phone.
Today I'm watching Church videos. I'm fasting until 5:30. I'm writing this blog, which helps.
Our Sunday School lesson today was about Zacchæus. Who wants to see the Savior so desperately, that he climbs a tree.
What I love, though, is that the Savior knows where he is and he calls Zacchæus by name.
"And when Jesus came to the place, he looked up, and saw him, and said unto him, Zacchæus, make haste, and come down; for to day I must abide at thy house."
A small reminder that the Lord knows me.
I still struggle with addiction. I still struggle with the addict tendencies and character weaknesses in my life. Yet, the Savior knows where I am and He knows my name.
We have to pass through trouble. With the hope that it will get better.
And part of me just wants to be done.
Except that I can't.
I have to keep trudging.
I hate trudging.
In the past month I have felt so lonely, lost and alone. I've been so homesick for the UK. I've felt triggered and tempted and had memories of fantasies and books come back very strongly and clearly. I've literally had to physically move to resist temptation.
The loneliness I can fix, so I tried to get involved with local Single Adult group. Still haven't made any friends. It seems very cliquish. I'm still going, just without a lot of enthusiasm.
And then my dad contacted my brother for his birthday, which means I'm probably next.
I do feel that I have forgiven my father, but there's no desire to have anything to do with him. I just want him to leave me alone. The worry about it, coupled with the ache of wanting to have a dad, has added stress.
Then, Friday at work, a co worker saw me reading my Nook and teased me about reading a romance novel. Which stung because I don't want people to think that. He was just teasing.
So I went to group. I was the only one.
Group is what gets me through these times.
I struggle with the fear that I will be stuck here forever.
I know that I need to work on things, the program, my prayers, etc., and I'm trying to do that.
Today I'm fasting for myself, for help.
I'm working on being grateful. For a beautiful cloud, for rain, for the blessings that I do have, like an apartment I love. My cats. My family. My car.
The Gospel.
The Book of Mormon.
Last weekend, I went to the temple for the first time in months. I'm scheduling two regular days a month to go. I cannot miss those dates. :)
So, I don't have all the answers.
Today has been emotionally rough in a lot of ways. A lesson I taught which I didn't think went well at all. Finding out that Elder Holland was in my UK ward today. I miss it so much and I try not to live in the past.
And I missed the sacrament.
At times like these, it's so easy to beat myself up. Which starts a vicious cycle where it's hard to get up in the morning. I could just sit on my couch playing games on my phone.
Today I'm watching Church videos. I'm fasting until 5:30. I'm writing this blog, which helps.
Our Sunday School lesson today was about Zacchæus. Who wants to see the Savior so desperately, that he climbs a tree.
What I love, though, is that the Savior knows where he is and he calls Zacchæus by name.
"And when Jesus came to the place, he looked up, and saw him, and said unto him, Zacchæus, make haste, and come down; for to day I must abide at thy house."
A small reminder that the Lord knows me.
I still struggle with addiction. I still struggle with the addict tendencies and character weaknesses in my life. Yet, the Savior knows where I am and He knows my name.
We have to pass through trouble. With the hope that it will get better.
I'm holding on to that hope today.
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Four years in Recovery. Sometimes it does not get easier.
So this week, I'm fairly sure, is my Four Year Anniversary of being in Recovery. I think my first meeting was March 11. I don't pay attention to dates and my journal keeping at the time was not great (it still isn't). But Happy Anniversary to me!
With that, though...
(Warning: May contain triggers)
Last night I had several user dreams. Not just one! Several. Some violence related (which was my early masturbation trigger before I found romance novels) and a couple sex ones. Very vivid dreams. I've been fighting the memories all day.
Which meant I woke up late and was late to church. I missed the Sacrament. I knew I was going to miss it. First, I needed to kneel and pray for forgiveness, for help. Not a hurried prayer, but a sincere prayer. I knew I needed to go to church. So I went. I was half an hour late, but I went.
The talks in Sacrament were good, but I was still mad at myself so I wasn't paying attention. I know a user dream isn't necessarily my fault, but to me, they signaled a bigger problem. And dealing with the triggers is not fun.
I know why.
I've been watching stupid, mindless things online that sometimes contain inappropriate scenes. It doesn't matter if I skip over them, if I can in time, they are still there.
I haven't been to group in over a month. I meant to go a couple weeks ago, but fell asleep after work and woke up too late.
So tonight, I called into a Women's PASG Meeting. I'm so very glad I did. More on that later.
After the closing prayer, I was really, really early to Sunday School. The other ward was still lingering. Since I hadn't read this week's RS lesson, I opened up my manual and started reading Chapter 5, "Principles of True Repentance."
Bam. Heavenly Father was speaking to me directly. I even took the book with me, when I went to other ward to take the Sacrament. I really wanted to take the Sacrament and figured I should miss a bit of Relief Society to renew my covenants. It was a good experience, bowing my head, repeating the prayers in my head as if I was saying them. Praying for forgiveness for my sins. Partaking of the bread and water. I needed the sacrament.
Sunday School was focused on the Beautitudes. As I read along and listened to the discussion, I realized that I was doing okay. Not great. But I wasn't hopeless. I was making progress. I had come far since the dark days of my addiction. Progress was being made and I hadn't gone back. Even if it felt like it. ;)
And that's one reason why I loved, and very much needed, to read President Benson's words today.
"One of Satan’s most frequently used deceptions is the notion that the commandments of God are meant to restrict freedom and limit happiness. Young people especially sometimes feel that the standards of the Lord are like fences and chains, blocking them from those activities that seem most enjoyable in life. But exactly the opposite is true. The gospel plan is the plan by which men are brought to a fulness of joy. This is the first concept I wish to stress. The gospel principles are the steps and guidelines that will help us find true happiness and joy... If we wish to truly repent and come unto Him so that we can be called members of His Church, we must first and foremost come to realize this eternal truth—the gospel plan is the plan of happiness. Wickedness never did, never does, never will bring us happiness [see Alma 41:10]. Violation of the laws of God brings only misery, bondage, and darkness."
With that, though...
(Warning: May contain triggers)
Last night I had several user dreams. Not just one! Several. Some violence related (which was my early masturbation trigger before I found romance novels) and a couple sex ones. Very vivid dreams. I've been fighting the memories all day.
Which meant I woke up late and was late to church. I missed the Sacrament. I knew I was going to miss it. First, I needed to kneel and pray for forgiveness, for help. Not a hurried prayer, but a sincere prayer. I knew I needed to go to church. So I went. I was half an hour late, but I went.
The talks in Sacrament were good, but I was still mad at myself so I wasn't paying attention. I know a user dream isn't necessarily my fault, but to me, they signaled a bigger problem. And dealing with the triggers is not fun.
I know why.
I've been watching stupid, mindless things online that sometimes contain inappropriate scenes. It doesn't matter if I skip over them, if I can in time, they are still there.
I haven't been to group in over a month. I meant to go a couple weeks ago, but fell asleep after work and woke up too late.
So tonight, I called into a Women's PASG Meeting. I'm so very glad I did. More on that later.
After the closing prayer, I was really, really early to Sunday School. The other ward was still lingering. Since I hadn't read this week's RS lesson, I opened up my manual and started reading Chapter 5, "Principles of True Repentance."
Bam. Heavenly Father was speaking to me directly. I even took the book with me, when I went to other ward to take the Sacrament. I really wanted to take the Sacrament and figured I should miss a bit of Relief Society to renew my covenants. It was a good experience, bowing my head, repeating the prayers in my head as if I was saying them. Praying for forgiveness for my sins. Partaking of the bread and water. I needed the sacrament.
Sunday School was focused on the Beautitudes. As I read along and listened to the discussion, I realized that I was doing okay. Not great. But I wasn't hopeless. I was making progress. I had come far since the dark days of my addiction. Progress was being made and I hadn't gone back. Even if it felt like it. ;)
And that's one reason why I loved, and very much needed, to read President Benson's words today.
"One of Satan’s most frequently used deceptions is the notion that the commandments of God are meant to restrict freedom and limit happiness. Young people especially sometimes feel that the standards of the Lord are like fences and chains, blocking them from those activities that seem most enjoyable in life. But exactly the opposite is true. The gospel plan is the plan by which men are brought to a fulness of joy. This is the first concept I wish to stress. The gospel principles are the steps and guidelines that will help us find true happiness and joy... If we wish to truly repent and come unto Him so that we can be called members of His Church, we must first and foremost come to realize this eternal truth—the gospel plan is the plan of happiness. Wickedness never did, never does, never will bring us happiness [see Alma 41:10]. Violation of the laws of God brings only misery, bondage, and darkness."
I recognize and know that my addiction does not bring freedom, but only misery, bondage and darkness. I know that!
President Benson had five principles that signify true repentance. That was the first. The second was to have Faith in the Savior. Third is one that I've struggled with. A Change of Heart. Or Step 6. So I've completed Step 6, but I still struggle having a change of heart. In Step 10, the manual states that we have lost all desire for our addictions. But I still struggle with triggers and temptations. So I do feel like I'm two faced. Part of me still remembers the feelings and wants to experience those again. It's only by remembering the results of my addiction, the shame, etc., that I can overcome it. That, and praying to my Heavenly Father. Which I did, a lot, today.
Anyway, it's a great lesson. I could quote most of it here. I hope you read it. It gave me hope when I needed it. The Holy Ghost helped me see I'm doing okay. Godly sorrow was definitely a part of my day.
The PASG meeting I phoned into was on Step 4 and that also buoyed me up. I underlined some new ideas that I noticed. And then it came to section of questions to ask when writing the inventory... In the past, when we've read this step, I've been uncomfortable. Because I still see myself doing those things. Tonight, however, I felt good about the questions. I feel I'm doing better at turning things over to the Lord.
Also, I read some of these blogs (which I haven't done in a while. I've missed you!) and that gave me more encouragement and hope. And insight.
There are some things I need to cut back on. I spent the evening watching Church videos to fill up my Youtube recommendations with good things.
All in all, I feel hopeful. There is lots I need to work on, eating, sleep, thoughts, emotions, etc. But I know I can it, because I know in whom I can rely. My Heavenly Father, my Savior and the Holy Ghost. They are rooting for me. They are reaching for me.
President Benson ended with this quote "We must not lose hope. Hope is an anchor to the souls of men. Satan would have us cast away that anchor. In this way he can bring discouragement and surrender. But we must not lose hope. The Lord is pleased with every effort, even the tiny, daily ones in which we strive to be more like Him. Though we may see that we have far to go on the road to perfection, we must not give up hope."
Then he says "Finally, we must remember that most repentance does not involve sensational or dramatic changes, but rather is a step-by-step, steady, and consistent movement toward godliness."
Then he says "Finally, we must remember that most repentance does not involve sensational or dramatic changes, but rather is a step-by-step, steady, and consistent movement toward godliness."
That was what I needed today. The assurance that I am making the effort. That this effort will pay off. If I hold on to hope and strive for true repentance daily, I am making "steady and consistent movement toward godliness."
So can you.
Four years ago was a very, very dark time in my life. I had lost hope, but I turned to my Heavenly Father for help. I had no idea the journey ahead. But I give thanks daily for this program. I marvel at the miracle He has made of my life.
I could not do this without my Godhead.
You can do this too. He is waiting. They are willing.
Sunday, March 01, 2015
Like trying to run through water.
I'm moved into my new place. I have a job full time.
And... my depression is back. The anxiety is there too, coming in to make me feel like doom is around the corner.
Being surrounded by boxes to unpack and major decisions to make about where to put everything, is not helping the situation.
I read an article today about how depression is like trying to run through water. It's hard.
I knew I was struggling, but how much didn't hit me until last week.
My sleep schedule is WAY off and I've been staying up late unpacking and then falling asleep after work and then waking up at 9pm and then staying up late... you get the idea.
So I woke up late, again, after staying up late, again, and I got dressed (I'd showered and I had dug through suitcases to find clothes for work). I put on makeup, I did my hair and I put on my coat and I grabbed my keys.
Then I stood at the door. I didn't want to go to work.
And I went into my room and I sent an email that I was sick (because saying "I'm depressed, I can't come into work was a truth I wasn't at yet) and I washed off the makeup, took out my contacts and spent the morning watching videos on Youtube. Then I slept for the afternoon and finally woke up and ran some errands.
That's when I knew, because getting out the door again was not easy.
You would think everything falling into place would cure the depression, not make it worse!
So I'm seeing a doctor next week. I'm so scared this will turn into my last full time job experience, where I lost the job because I didn't show up for a whole month. Really. I think I went in maybe once or twice. My sick leave and holiday pay were both gone and I didn't care. I just didn't get paid.
Depression and my addiction played a huge role in that. But I didn't know I was addicted at the time.
That day, I listened to Elder Holland's talk "Like a Broken Vessel" over and over again.
I've prayed.
And I'm trying to see the good things I do.
Like yesterday, I got my living room pretty much unpacked. Even though that meant more boxes in the other rooms, I tried to focus on the good that I'd done. I have a place to sit! I put up a bookcase!
I also learned of a change I need to make for both depression and recovery.
That night, as I cleaned, I was listening to October Conference talks. Then Elder Quentin L. Cook's Priesthood Session talk came on. Now I'm not a huge fan of Elder Cook, so I was only half listening.
Then he said this: "A wonderful example of the need for moderation, balance, and wisdom is the use of the Internet...As Brother Randall L. Ridd poignantly taught at the last general conference, speaking of the Internet, “You can get caught up in endless loops of triviality that waste your time and degrade your potential.”
Metaphorical hand to the back of my head.
I've been struggling with triggers and temptations. And one thing that's contributed to it is what I've been wasting my time on. Youtube has some interesting channels about films and Top 10 lists and I've been watching them, but yesterday, one of them got really bad. Again. They will show the complete scene from a film. And I kept watching.
Well, then I was struggling with the memory of that scene the rest of the day. Stupid, stupid decision.
When Elder Cook spoke those words "endless loops of triviality" I realized that I was doing that exactly!
I know part of it my depression. But I should be watching better videos. Like the Bible Videos. :)
I have felt temptation a lot more.
The other day, as I was shopping for muffin tins, I passed by the book section and I just wanted to go read a romance novel! My mind was literally saying "go read it, it will help." ha ha ha ha.
I haven't had thoughts like that in a long time. I mean, more than fleeting ones.
I'll make it, though. I have the Lord on my side. I just have to do my part.
Today in Relief Society, the lesson was Elder Christofferson's talk on Agency and he pointed out that repentance is self-will. The Lord will help us heal and forgive us, but we have to make the choice to repent!
I know that He guides us to that point. He won't make us change, but He keeps reaching out to us to help us, knowing that we will turn to Him. What a lovely thought.
One other contributor is that I've missed group for a month. I didn't go one night because I was tired, then I went home to get packed and then I was moving and then... well, it is being felt.
So I'm thinking of going to a general ARP meeting tonight. I feel like I need it.
Even a phone in one... just a meeting.
The good news is that:
Today I went to Church.
Today I can trust my Heavenly Father.
Today I can fast for help.
Today I can do little things and appreciate that I can do something.
And... my depression is back. The anxiety is there too, coming in to make me feel like doom is around the corner.
Being surrounded by boxes to unpack and major decisions to make about where to put everything, is not helping the situation.
I read an article today about how depression is like trying to run through water. It's hard.
I knew I was struggling, but how much didn't hit me until last week.
My sleep schedule is WAY off and I've been staying up late unpacking and then falling asleep after work and then waking up at 9pm and then staying up late... you get the idea.
So I woke up late, again, after staying up late, again, and I got dressed (I'd showered and I had dug through suitcases to find clothes for work). I put on makeup, I did my hair and I put on my coat and I grabbed my keys.
Then I stood at the door. I didn't want to go to work.
And I went into my room and I sent an email that I was sick (because saying "I'm depressed, I can't come into work was a truth I wasn't at yet) and I washed off the makeup, took out my contacts and spent the morning watching videos on Youtube. Then I slept for the afternoon and finally woke up and ran some errands.
That's when I knew, because getting out the door again was not easy.
You would think everything falling into place would cure the depression, not make it worse!
So I'm seeing a doctor next week. I'm so scared this will turn into my last full time job experience, where I lost the job because I didn't show up for a whole month. Really. I think I went in maybe once or twice. My sick leave and holiday pay were both gone and I didn't care. I just didn't get paid.
Depression and my addiction played a huge role in that. But I didn't know I was addicted at the time.
That day, I listened to Elder Holland's talk "Like a Broken Vessel" over and over again.
I've prayed.
And I'm trying to see the good things I do.
Like yesterday, I got my living room pretty much unpacked. Even though that meant more boxes in the other rooms, I tried to focus on the good that I'd done. I have a place to sit! I put up a bookcase!
I also learned of a change I need to make for both depression and recovery.
That night, as I cleaned, I was listening to October Conference talks. Then Elder Quentin L. Cook's Priesthood Session talk came on. Now I'm not a huge fan of Elder Cook, so I was only half listening.
Then he said this: "A wonderful example of the need for moderation, balance, and wisdom is the use of the Internet...As Brother Randall L. Ridd poignantly taught at the last general conference, speaking of the Internet, “You can get caught up in endless loops of triviality that waste your time and degrade your potential.”
Metaphorical hand to the back of my head.
I've been struggling with triggers and temptations. And one thing that's contributed to it is what I've been wasting my time on. Youtube has some interesting channels about films and Top 10 lists and I've been watching them, but yesterday, one of them got really bad. Again. They will show the complete scene from a film. And I kept watching.
Well, then I was struggling with the memory of that scene the rest of the day. Stupid, stupid decision.
When Elder Cook spoke those words "endless loops of triviality" I realized that I was doing that exactly!
I know part of it my depression. But I should be watching better videos. Like the Bible Videos. :)
I have felt temptation a lot more.
The other day, as I was shopping for muffin tins, I passed by the book section and I just wanted to go read a romance novel! My mind was literally saying "go read it, it will help." ha ha ha ha.
I haven't had thoughts like that in a long time. I mean, more than fleeting ones.
I'll make it, though. I have the Lord on my side. I just have to do my part.
Today in Relief Society, the lesson was Elder Christofferson's talk on Agency and he pointed out that repentance is self-will. The Lord will help us heal and forgive us, but we have to make the choice to repent!
I know that He guides us to that point. He won't make us change, but He keeps reaching out to us to help us, knowing that we will turn to Him. What a lovely thought.
One other contributor is that I've missed group for a month. I didn't go one night because I was tired, then I went home to get packed and then I was moving and then... well, it is being felt.
So I'm thinking of going to a general ARP meeting tonight. I feel like I need it.
Even a phone in one... just a meeting.
The good news is that:
Today I went to Church.
Today I can trust my Heavenly Father.
Today I can fast for help.
Today I can do little things and appreciate that I can do something.
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Life is the good and the bad.
It's been almost a month since my last blog post and now I'm struggling with my addiction and with life!
Ha ha.
Due to the holiday season and the fact that my group meets on Friday, I haven't been able to attend PASG for a couple weeks. And lately, I've been struggling with triggers, fantasies, thoughts (oh my word, the thoughts) and the desire to escape. I finally got to attend group a couple weeks ago, but missed the next one because it was the same night as my Ward Christmas Party and... I wasn't feeling well. I spaced it.
I've been so lonely and that is triggering memories and thoughts and ... ugh.
My crush is back at work, with his girlfriend.
And in three weeks, I may not have a job. I may be moving home. I have bills that need to be paid.
I realized part of the problem is that I don't have a space of my own. They've moved me at work to someone else's desk. So my things are in a box.
I have my room at "my" apartment, but being stuck in my room all night is not cool. I still don't feel like I belong or that this is my place. I just rent a room.
Anxiety is constantly there, waiting to erupt.
I've gotten three rejection letters this week.
So, after my last interview of the year last week, capping off a week of headaches and heartaches and panic attacks, I think my body just gave out. I think the headaches are from my new contacts (yay) and I... feel out of alignment. Out of sync. I don't know how else to describe it. I don't feel like myself.
When I woke up with a huge headache, I took Friday off of work and watched corny Christmas movies on TV, but the commercials! Oh my word! The commercials on daytime TV are insane! Sexual and just icky.
Which just added to my triggers, which has started to include the desire to masturbate. Haven't had that desire in a long time!
Loneliness is right there too. Just tonight I was following up on a show I used to watch (it started looking up a character on a film my roommate was watching, which is not Sunday appropriate, so I shouldn't have been watching it in the first place)... anyway, so I was looking up this show and there were a couple clips of the main couple kissing.
Trigger? It triggered emotions in me.
I wanted to keep watching it so bad and I wanted to watch the other clips, but luckily, I realized that was a step on a slippery slope and I couldn't go there. I didn't want to go there. Well, I did, but I knew it wouldn't end well.
But that's pretty much every day now.
And I've made some really stupid choices in what I read (who knew Dear Abby and other advice columns would be so sexual?) during the day that I've triggered these thoughts. So I need to keep my Sabbath day special and spiritual.
And every day I fight off panic attacks and nausea and fainting. It's so "fun." So I'm trying to figure out what is going on. I know part of it is that my spirit, body, mind, etc., just can't take it anymore. It's been three months of stress and sadness and worry.
I'm so tired. Plus, being the Christmas season, my sugar intake has increased which is also not helping. Ugh.
So even with the news that things should be alright (I find out definitely tomorrow) job wise, I'm not feeling it.
Basically, I can't feel it right now.
Usually, when I have triggers this bad, it means I need to work on the ARP program. At the same time, I don't feel like I'm working recovery.
I feel low.
Still, I know that things will be okay. This won't last forever. I do have to keep trying and keep striving.
There's a quote on my wall a friend in recovery gave me a long time ago.
"We Can Do Hard Things."
I don't want you to think that I'm awful. I still laugh. Life has hard moments, but beautiful and good moments too. I thank my Heavenly Father for the good moments. He is with me.
D&C 133:45
For since the beginning of the world have not men heard nor perceived by the ear, neither hath any eye seen, O God, besides thee, how great things thou hast prepared for him that waiteth for thee.
Ha ha.
Due to the holiday season and the fact that my group meets on Friday, I haven't been able to attend PASG for a couple weeks. And lately, I've been struggling with triggers, fantasies, thoughts (oh my word, the thoughts) and the desire to escape. I finally got to attend group a couple weeks ago, but missed the next one because it was the same night as my Ward Christmas Party and... I wasn't feeling well. I spaced it.
I've been so lonely and that is triggering memories and thoughts and ... ugh.
My crush is back at work, with his girlfriend.
And in three weeks, I may not have a job. I may be moving home. I have bills that need to be paid.
I realized part of the problem is that I don't have a space of my own. They've moved me at work to someone else's desk. So my things are in a box.
I have my room at "my" apartment, but being stuck in my room all night is not cool. I still don't feel like I belong or that this is my place. I just rent a room.
Anxiety is constantly there, waiting to erupt.
I've gotten three rejection letters this week.
So, after my last interview of the year last week, capping off a week of headaches and heartaches and panic attacks, I think my body just gave out. I think the headaches are from my new contacts (yay) and I... feel out of alignment. Out of sync. I don't know how else to describe it. I don't feel like myself.
When I woke up with a huge headache, I took Friday off of work and watched corny Christmas movies on TV, but the commercials! Oh my word! The commercials on daytime TV are insane! Sexual and just icky.
Which just added to my triggers, which has started to include the desire to masturbate. Haven't had that desire in a long time!
Loneliness is right there too. Just tonight I was following up on a show I used to watch (it started looking up a character on a film my roommate was watching, which is not Sunday appropriate, so I shouldn't have been watching it in the first place)... anyway, so I was looking up this show and there were a couple clips of the main couple kissing.
Trigger? It triggered emotions in me.
I wanted to keep watching it so bad and I wanted to watch the other clips, but luckily, I realized that was a step on a slippery slope and I couldn't go there. I didn't want to go there. Well, I did, but I knew it wouldn't end well.
But that's pretty much every day now.
And I've made some really stupid choices in what I read (who knew Dear Abby and other advice columns would be so sexual?) during the day that I've triggered these thoughts. So I need to keep my Sabbath day special and spiritual.
And every day I fight off panic attacks and nausea and fainting. It's so "fun." So I'm trying to figure out what is going on. I know part of it is that my spirit, body, mind, etc., just can't take it anymore. It's been three months of stress and sadness and worry.
I'm so tired. Plus, being the Christmas season, my sugar intake has increased which is also not helping. Ugh.
So even with the news that things should be alright (I find out definitely tomorrow) job wise, I'm not feeling it.
Basically, I can't feel it right now.
Usually, when I have triggers this bad, it means I need to work on the ARP program. At the same time, I don't feel like I'm working recovery.
I feel low.
Still, I know that things will be okay. This won't last forever. I do have to keep trying and keep striving.
There's a quote on my wall a friend in recovery gave me a long time ago.
"We Can Do Hard Things."
I don't want you to think that I'm awful. I still laugh. Life has hard moments, but beautiful and good moments too. I thank my Heavenly Father for the good moments. He is with me.
D&C 133:45
For since the beginning of the world have not men heard nor perceived by the ear, neither hath any eye seen, O God, besides thee, how great things thou hast prepared for him that waiteth for thee.
I'm finding joy in Christmas. I've gone to the temple, which has helped. I know there is light ahead. I just have to keep going toward it. And work on Step 11. Maybe just answer one question tonight. I can do that much.
Saturday, November 15, 2014
It's less of a boulder and more like a towering wall.
You know that quote by President Monson that says the future is as bright as your faith?
My faith is pretty dim right now. So what does that mean?
I am struggling. Not with my addiction, but with life.
I feel as though I was going along the path, seeing the sights ahead, confident in where I was going and then the Lord dropped a huge wall (think Mordor's gates in LOTR) that stretches in both directions for a long, long way, right down in front of me. I have no idea how to get over the wall. I didn't ask for the wall, but it's there and it scares me.
I didn't get the job.
I didn't get my job.
So I feel like I'm standing there, staring at this unexpected wall and thinking "What the heck do I do now, God?"
Luckily, I can cover for someone else, so I have a job until January. And then... big blank.
It has been rough. I mean, rough. I've cried. I've felt so emotionally exhausted.
After I got the call to tell me, I went in the bathroom and cried. Then I left early, spent some time with a friend trying to process this. I didn't get the job. What am I supposed to do now?
And then I drove home to just escape. I got a blessing which was good and I am trying to hold onto the promises in that blessing. One thing I was told was to put the Lord in my heart. Which I do need to work on. My prayers were getting a bit rote.
Then I went to the temple, because that was also in the blessing. But the problem was... I am MAD.
I am furious!
Not at God, but at those involved in this process. It's a long story. So if I wasn't listening to a book, or music or watching TV, then I was thinking about this and getting more and more angry.
My trip to the temple was... ok. I wasn't concentrating, I was thinking about this situation and being mad and then triggering because my mind was trying to deal with my anger and the constant worry that I had no idea what was going to happen next.
The Relief Society lesson was on Prayer. Ok. So I'm working on that. Sincere prayer. Constant prayer.
And part of me was ready to move home right then. I was done with new. I wanted old. (barring the whole "no jobs" there conundrum).
I've been tired and depressed and the negative self talk has been constant.
I'm not good at anything. I won't get a job again because I can't do anything useful. I have no skills. No one wants to be my friend because I'm a horrible awful person. Etc and so forth.
NOT TRUE!
But Satan likes to attack us when we're down.
Being tired didn't help. I was making plans and those plans have changed and... what happens next?
No apartment for myself, which I was really looking forward to. No pets (which has been really really hard) right now.
I went to Group tonight and we were on Step 4. I realized that I haven't been doing Step 10. I haven't been reviewing my day with the Lord at night. I haven't been working on my Steps. I need to write in my journal (literally the Spirit was tapping me on the head while we were reading).
I love Group. I love the reminders I get every time I go. And I get hugs. :)
So I've applied for jobs. I paid my tithing. I'm going to the temple tomorrow.
Then, while I was sharing, I thought of the tender mercies the Lord gave me this week.
The Christian songs that came on the radio at my darkest moments with a message I needed right then (He Knows by Jeremy Camp). The hugs and encouragement from friends and co-workers (seriously, I've gotten three emails this week with job opportunities from co-workers and friends). The scriptures that I looked up that give me hope. The strength I've felt while I pray.
Just tonight, as I was typing this, I am listening to my youtube playlist of Christian music and Carry Me by Josh Wilson comes on. That is exactly how I feel. I need to know that God is with me. I need Him to carry me.
Somehow it will be alright. I have to hold onto that promise. The Lord said in my blessing that doors would open. My faith is enough that I will believe that. Or at least keep trying until I see those doors.
I also highly recommend The Honest Guys channel on Youtube. I am listening to "Releasing Anger" every night. It is helping.
Finally, here is a song that I love, love right now.
Sometimes the world has just gone dark.
Sometimes you're praying for a spark.
Right now it feels so hard to breathe.
Right now you're asking "God, why me?"
That's what you can see right now.
There's a bigger view than what you can see right now.
But if you lift your eyes.
See it in a different light.
Just a cloud up in the open sky.
Let the rain fall away 'cause today is beautiful!
So I'm going to stop banging on the huge wall and lift my eyes up to my Heavenly Father and ask for help.
Turn this over to Him. And try to have faith that because He sees over the horizon and around the bend, He will lead me where I need to go.
My faith is pretty dim right now. So what does that mean?
I am struggling. Not with my addiction, but with life.
I feel as though I was going along the path, seeing the sights ahead, confident in where I was going and then the Lord dropped a huge wall (think Mordor's gates in LOTR) that stretches in both directions for a long, long way, right down in front of me. I have no idea how to get over the wall. I didn't ask for the wall, but it's there and it scares me.
I didn't get the job.
I didn't get my job.
So I feel like I'm standing there, staring at this unexpected wall and thinking "What the heck do I do now, God?"
Luckily, I can cover for someone else, so I have a job until January. And then... big blank.
It has been rough. I mean, rough. I've cried. I've felt so emotionally exhausted.
After I got the call to tell me, I went in the bathroom and cried. Then I left early, spent some time with a friend trying to process this. I didn't get the job. What am I supposed to do now?
And then I drove home to just escape. I got a blessing which was good and I am trying to hold onto the promises in that blessing. One thing I was told was to put the Lord in my heart. Which I do need to work on. My prayers were getting a bit rote.
Then I went to the temple, because that was also in the blessing. But the problem was... I am MAD.
I am furious!
Not at God, but at those involved in this process. It's a long story. So if I wasn't listening to a book, or music or watching TV, then I was thinking about this and getting more and more angry.
My trip to the temple was... ok. I wasn't concentrating, I was thinking about this situation and being mad and then triggering because my mind was trying to deal with my anger and the constant worry that I had no idea what was going to happen next.
The Relief Society lesson was on Prayer. Ok. So I'm working on that. Sincere prayer. Constant prayer.
And part of me was ready to move home right then. I was done with new. I wanted old. (barring the whole "no jobs" there conundrum).
I've been tired and depressed and the negative self talk has been constant.
I'm not good at anything. I won't get a job again because I can't do anything useful. I have no skills. No one wants to be my friend because I'm a horrible awful person. Etc and so forth.
NOT TRUE!
But Satan likes to attack us when we're down.
Being tired didn't help. I was making plans and those plans have changed and... what happens next?
No apartment for myself, which I was really looking forward to. No pets (which has been really really hard) right now.
I went to Group tonight and we were on Step 4. I realized that I haven't been doing Step 10. I haven't been reviewing my day with the Lord at night. I haven't been working on my Steps. I need to write in my journal (literally the Spirit was tapping me on the head while we were reading).
I love Group. I love the reminders I get every time I go. And I get hugs. :)
So I've applied for jobs. I paid my tithing. I'm going to the temple tomorrow.
Then, while I was sharing, I thought of the tender mercies the Lord gave me this week.
The Christian songs that came on the radio at my darkest moments with a message I needed right then (He Knows by Jeremy Camp). The hugs and encouragement from friends and co-workers (seriously, I've gotten three emails this week with job opportunities from co-workers and friends). The scriptures that I looked up that give me hope. The strength I've felt while I pray.
Just tonight, as I was typing this, I am listening to my youtube playlist of Christian music and Carry Me by Josh Wilson comes on. That is exactly how I feel. I need to know that God is with me. I need Him to carry me.
Somehow it will be alright. I have to hold onto that promise. The Lord said in my blessing that doors would open. My faith is enough that I will believe that. Or at least keep trying until I see those doors.
I also highly recommend The Honest Guys channel on Youtube. I am listening to "Releasing Anger" every night. It is helping.
Finally, here is a song that I love, love right now.
Sometimes the world has just gone dark.
Sometimes you're praying for a spark.
Right now it feels so hard to breathe.
Right now you're asking "God, why me?"
That's what you can see right now.
There's a bigger view than what you can see right now.
But if you lift your eyes.
See it in a different light.
Just a cloud up in the open sky.
Let the rain fall away 'cause today is beautiful!
So I'm going to stop banging on the huge wall and lift my eyes up to my Heavenly Father and ask for help.
Turn this over to Him. And try to have faith that because He sees over the horizon and around the bend, He will lead me where I need to go.
Sunday, November 02, 2014
He knows.
Today's lesson in Sunday School was in Isaiah. I love Isaiah! I love the promises from the Lord recorded by this prophet. Yes, I struggle to understand him, but the beauty of the language touches my heart.
As I've been reading these verses this week, Heavenly Father has spoken to me and given me comfort.
October was a rough, rough month, but it's getting better. I've had some great experiences going to visit friends and family. I still need to work on triggers from my family, well, because of my family. There are some unresolved issues there that I need to deal with.
And the good news is, within the next week, I will know about my job, finally! It's still nerve wracking, because I don't know what will happen.
Today I was reading the Ensign during church. I'm still trying to catch up on the October edition. Anyway, it was an article that talked about being single and the author quoted Elder Scott talking about compensatory blessings. That resonated with me.
Back when I was deep in my addiction, I was miserable and I saw the withholding of what I wanted as punishment from God. I see now that He is sending compensatory blessings for me when I don't get what I want. I'm still being blessed in good ways. Numerous ways.
I finally got to attend group and it was wonderful! It continually amazes me of the miracle God has performed in my life through the ARP program. This week thoughts and images and memories have been bombarding me! It's been a real struggle to give them to Heavenly Father. It's been a struggle not to feel shame, but I know I can get through these moments, if I turn to my Heavenly Father.
And as we read Isaiah 53:3-7, I remembered that my Savior knows. He knows about temptations and triggers. He knows my sorrow and struggles. He knows my doubts and fears.
I've been really struggling with sleep lately. As in getting to bed at a good time and getting up on time. It's been a lifelong struggle, actually. So I fasted about it today. I also have my own plans on how to help. Starting with setting an alarm at night to help me remember to get ready for bed.
Like recovery, I can't wait on the Lord to change me. I have to work at it as well. And keep going, even when I fail or struggle or want to give up.
But He knows me and He will help me. He loves me. He loves you.
Today in Sunday School we read Isaiah 53:6:
"All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way;"
In my manual, by Step 1, I wrote down these words from Peter and reading that verse made me think of this one, 1 Peter 2:25:
For ye were as sheep going astray; but are now returned unto the Shepherd and Bishop of your souls.
We have gone astray, but the Shepherd of our souls wants us to return to Him.
As I've been reading these verses this week, Heavenly Father has spoken to me and given me comfort.
October was a rough, rough month, but it's getting better. I've had some great experiences going to visit friends and family. I still need to work on triggers from my family, well, because of my family. There are some unresolved issues there that I need to deal with.
And the good news is, within the next week, I will know about my job, finally! It's still nerve wracking, because I don't know what will happen.
Today I was reading the Ensign during church. I'm still trying to catch up on the October edition. Anyway, it was an article that talked about being single and the author quoted Elder Scott talking about compensatory blessings. That resonated with me.
Back when I was deep in my addiction, I was miserable and I saw the withholding of what I wanted as punishment from God. I see now that He is sending compensatory blessings for me when I don't get what I want. I'm still being blessed in good ways. Numerous ways.
I finally got to attend group and it was wonderful! It continually amazes me of the miracle God has performed in my life through the ARP program. This week thoughts and images and memories have been bombarding me! It's been a real struggle to give them to Heavenly Father. It's been a struggle not to feel shame, but I know I can get through these moments, if I turn to my Heavenly Father.
And as we read Isaiah 53:3-7, I remembered that my Savior knows. He knows about temptations and triggers. He knows my sorrow and struggles. He knows my doubts and fears.
I've been really struggling with sleep lately. As in getting to bed at a good time and getting up on time. It's been a lifelong struggle, actually. So I fasted about it today. I also have my own plans on how to help. Starting with setting an alarm at night to help me remember to get ready for bed.
Like recovery, I can't wait on the Lord to change me. I have to work at it as well. And keep going, even when I fail or struggle or want to give up.
But He knows me and He will help me. He loves me. He loves you.
Today in Sunday School we read Isaiah 53:6:
"All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way;"
In my manual, by Step 1, I wrote down these words from Peter and reading that verse made me think of this one, 1 Peter 2:25:
For ye were as sheep going astray; but are now returned unto the Shepherd and Bishop of your souls.
We have gone astray, but the Shepherd of our souls wants us to return to Him.
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