Augh. Life is hard.

This past month has been a roller coaster.
And part of me just wants to be done.

Except that I can't.
I have to keep trudging.
I hate trudging.

In the past month I have felt so lonely, lost and alone. I've been so homesick for the UK. I've felt triggered and tempted and had memories of fantasies and books come back very strongly and clearly. I've literally had to physically move to resist temptation.

The loneliness I can fix, so I tried to get involved with local Single Adult group. Still haven't made any friends. It seems very cliquish. I'm still going, just without a lot of enthusiasm.

And then my dad contacted my brother for his birthday, which means I'm probably next.
I do feel that I have forgiven my father, but there's no desire to have anything to do with him. I just want him to leave me alone. The worry about it, coupled with the ache of wanting to have a dad, has added stress.

Then, Friday at work, a co worker saw me reading my Nook and teased me about reading a romance novel. Which stung because I don't want people to think that. He was just teasing.
So I went to group. I was the only one.

Group is what gets me through these times.
I struggle with the fear that I will be stuck here forever.
I know that I need to work on things, the program, my prayers, etc., and I'm trying to do that.
Today I'm fasting for myself, for help.
I'm working on being grateful. For a beautiful cloud, for rain, for the blessings that I do have, like an apartment I love. My cats. My family. My car.
The Gospel.
The Book of Mormon.

Last weekend, I went to the temple for the first time in months. I'm scheduling two regular days a month to go. I cannot miss those dates. :)
So, I don't have all the answers.
Today has been emotionally rough in a lot of ways. A lesson I taught which I didn't think went well at all. Finding out that Elder Holland was in my UK ward today. I miss it so much and I try not to live in the past.
And I missed the sacrament.
At times like these, it's so easy to beat myself up. Which starts a vicious cycle where it's hard to get up in the morning. I could just sit on my couch playing games on my phone.

Today I'm watching Church videos. I'm fasting until 5:30. I'm writing this blog, which helps.
Our Sunday School lesson today was about Zacchæus. Who wants to see the Savior so desperately, that he climbs a tree.

What I love, though, is that the Savior knows where he is and he calls Zacchæus by name.

"And when Jesus came to the place, he looked up, and saw him, and said unto him, Zacchæus, make haste, and come down; for to day I must abide at thy house."

A small reminder that the Lord knows me.

I still struggle with addiction. I still struggle with the addict tendencies and character weaknesses in my life. Yet, the Savior knows where I am and He knows my name.

We have to pass through trouble. With the hope that it will get better.

I'm holding on to that hope today.

I don't know how to do this.

I have a crush on a guy.
I'm struggling with this.
I have had one boyfriend in my life. When I was 16. It lasted for the summer and ended dramatically and I went all Marianne in Sense and Sensibility, and acted just like a teenager with a broken heart. I moped, I cried, I wrote horrible poetry. There are whole swaths of my journal I can't read now because it's still rather painful and juvenile. I even wrote down what he wore.

In the intervening years there have been guys, oh so many, and more heartbreak and dates that never called again, of telling a guy I liked him and never hearing from him again. Of me trying to be what they wanted and then finally just being myself, but still being alone.

Flash forward 20 years and I still feel like that 16 year old who wonders what she's doing wrong. I've read books. I've asked friends. I've examined myself and made changes. I've prayed.

Truth: I have no idea how to have a relationship. How to start a relationship.
For most of my life, my knowledge of relationships, about "love," came from written pornography and romantic comedies. Not exactly accurate.
I created entire relationships in my head and then got mad when he didn't do what I thought he should. When he probably had no idea I even liked him. I've gotten to the point where I can recognize Limerence and love and lust and fantasy and see where I am. But I still feel deeply.

I find myself doing this again. Right now.
The last week has been up and down and happy and depressingly morose. I've cried. I've hurt.
And I think, it shouldn't be this hard! Is it me? Am I making more out of a... friendship than is there?
I asked my crush out. And he said yes and then I haven't heard anything from him since. Augh. I like him. I really like him. Apparently, he doesn't have a clue. I think he should react a certain way and when he doesn't, I'm sad because to me it means he doesn't care.

I've talked with friends and roomies and family. I feel good for a bit, but then something happens and I'm plunged into depression. I think he knows and yet he isn't reacting the way I think that he would... ?
My roommate says I have a fear of rejection and I think it's a part of what is going on, but I don't know what to do with that information. How do you tell yourself "Quit feeling this." Or "stop feeling so deeply."

This is exactly why I say I am perfectly happy single. I'm a sex addict and I am scared of relationships. I am scared that I can't do it in the proper way (?) whatever that means. Basically, I feel like I'm still 16. Trying to make sense of boys and my own emotions. Dealing with the fear that I'm overreacting (and no one wants that) and then wondering how to halt those crazy moments. Added into the fear that he will find out about me, my addiction, and turn away. Which is foolish to think, when he doesn't even know much else about me. It's not like I'm going to blurt it out on the first date. If we even get to that point.

I know enough to know that the emotions I'm feeling right now are not just about a boy. My cats have been sick. More changes at work. I'm moving positions again. Yes, I've only been there two months and I've moved twice. Today was hard. It was lonely and new and... difficult.
And I think "I need boy drama like I need a broken leg." I pray and tell Heavenly Father that I am not cool with this. I ask Him what purpose this serves. I tell myself that this too will end in tears. I wonder if the difficulty means I'm doing something faulty. A sign that it's wrong.
The deep, deep fear of being hurt again. And then being hurt anyway.

I am sore afraid. I'm stuck between wanting a... let's just go with date. I want a date. Yet, I'm scared of the outcome. Any outcome. Fear. Fear. Fear. Fear.

Sigh.

Romans 5:1-4
Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:

By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

And patience, experience; and experience, hope:

I'm working on the glory part. 

All I can do is keep moving forward. Attend group. Study the scriptures. Pray. Turn all this over to Heavenly Father and hope that someday this will make sense. I will see what I learned from this experience.

In the meantime, I'll try not to stalk anyone on Facebook...

Up, down and all around

The last week of April was good. I've been feeling okay with things. Not great. Not amazing, just good.
And then Friday came.
I was excited because I'd just checked out a book I'd been interested in reading. It was set in the past, it was a British author, and it had a cool plot. What could go wrong?
So, while waiting on a client, I pulled it out to read.
10 pages in was a sex scene.
Gah. Seriously?
I didn't want to quit reading the book, so I skipped ahead and then went back thinking I might have missed a plot point.
And then I thought WHAT THE HECK am I going back for? Seriously stupid.
I caught myself. I know the Spirit helped.
It's not worth it.

I closed the book. I prayed. I texted my support person. I pulled out my iPod, but the battery was dead! Darn it. So I went for a walk. Prayed some more. I then came back, placed the book at the other end of the couch and pulled out my e-reader to read Step 11. Texted with my support person and then took that book back to the library as soon as I could.
But that meant I was triggering for the rest of the day. Ugh, so not worth it.
Now I'm reading Victorian authors again. Sigh. Stupid books.

At the same time, it was a neat experience… because I stopped! I recoiled, literally. I could have had a slip and the Spirit helped me stop.
YAY! and then boo for stupid books.

Saturday I went to the local ARP conference. It was really great.
My favorite class was on Family Dis-ease and about how emotionally unhealthy families breed addicts.
Hello to my childhood. So I got some great notes on how to avoid that in my future.
There was also a class on the addict brain, and, my other favorite, crying out to Jesus in the time of need.
The presenter, a recovering addict, talked about how emotions just are. They are neither good or bad, but we still have to deal with them. I know this is true. To get away from the unpleasant emotions, like anger and sadness, I turned to my addiction. Until I had to use my addiction to numb the nice emotions!
So even when I feel sad, I try to remember that at least I am feeling. And I cry out to Jesus for help.

So after a nice, mostly spiritual weekend, I got hit with a user dream Monday when I fell asleep on the couch. The worst I've had in a long time. It was so hard to wake up, because the addict part of me wanted to stay asleep. To stay in the dream. I had to tell myself wake up.
More texting to my support person (rather glad I got one).

Luckily, the rest of the week has been better. God has answered my prayers in many ways. I still struggle with depression about life, but I'm trying to move forward.  To check something off my to-do list every day.

A potentially life-changing event is happening tomorrow. I'm stepping back and letting the Lord direct me where He wants me to go.

I'm still working on Step 11. Today I've been hungry and tired, so I didn't work on it, but I do plan on working on it tonight before bed.
I've been reading the scriptures from Step 11 and I found one that really touched me.

Ether 12:41
And now, I would commend you to seek this Jesus of whom the prophets and apostles have written, that the grace of God the Father, and also the Lord Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost, which beareth record of them, may be and abide in you forever.
For so long, I sought my addiction, I fed my character weaknesses. Now, as I seek Jesus, God and the Holy Ghost, I have grace in me forever. Isn't that an amazing promise?
I hope I can continue to have that grace.

The rocks have evil faces, Lord. And I am afraid.

The above comes from a poem Elder Holland quotes in his talk "An High Priest of Good Things to Come" and perfect expresses how I am feeling today.

As you may remember, my first post of the New Year was about how I was going to make 2014 different and be better now. 

Ha ha ha ha ha.

That hasn't happened. It's been…. a tough time.

I know part of it is because my Recovery Anniversary is coming up. Three years ago in January I was deeply mired in my addiction. (February too). Starting in March, I went to see my Bishop and got started in recovery, and somehow, every single January/February I struggle. Stupid adversary.

Then, a couple weeks ago I got sick. Like shoot-me-now level of illness. I could hardly get up, but then I had to work. No work = no money. So I would go to work for as long as I could and go home early, which pretty much just made my illness worse. I felt so exhausted. I couldn't do much. Walking to get the mail about killed me. I could read, but I didn't want to read… hard things. My brain could barely comprehend the scriptures, but I still wanted to read them daily. So I at least read one verse, but then I would want to read something "easy." I didn't feel that I had the energy left for anything else. So I started reading a bunch of stories relating to a TV show I love.
Plus. I wasn't sleeping at night because I was sleeping during the day.
I missed church because I was ill and PASG. So I was going on a week without taking the sacrament or attending group (which is like sacrament meeting to me). So, I knew a bad day was coming. Last Tuesday was that day. I was sick, I was working on 3 hours of sleep. I'd had fight with my mom a couple of nights before. I wasn't reading my scriptures for longer than 5 minutes day, but reading a lot of other stuff. Basically, I was not doing what I should be doing to maintain sobriety.

So last Tuesday, I went online at a public library to do some research and ended up watching videos featuring the actor of this TV series I am a fan of. This is not good.
A part of my addiction was creating fantasies about actors. I would fantasize about them and about me meeting them. Usually not sexual. Typical limerence stuff, focused on me and their paying attention to me, but lust fantasy all the same. Since I realized that fantasy was part of my addiction, I've stopped doing that. I don't read every thing I can find about the actor. I don't memorize their biography, watch all their movies, etc.
But I found myself doing this Tuesday. I finally realized what I was doing, so I shut off the video. But on the way home I kept thinking about it. Imagining myself impressing him, etc. Maybe that counts as a slip.

Slips are hard for me to judge. I mean, reading a romance novel = slip. Reading a kissing scene in a book over and over again is a slip. Looking at porn knowingly = slip. And I tried to fight it, but I didn't have the strength. I switched songs when I really wanted to listen to the one on my ipod again. The song wasn't triggering, I was making it a trigger. Once I got home, I hit my knees, so exhausted, and begged for forgiveness. After the prayer, I didn't feel it was a slip. More like an almost slip.... like walking the edge of a slip. So I slept while listening to Conference talks.

I was straying off the path of recovery. So for the next few days I've battled with myself as to whether I need to give up this show/stories. Today, sitting in church I realized that I had the choice. Was I making this fictional portrayal more important than my Heavenly Father. The answer was yes. So I stopped. I took a break. I read other things. I listened to Conference talks instead of reading. I studied my scriptures, especially in the Topical Guide under "Thoughts." Some very awesome scriptures in there! I feel better.

There's more to write about here, but this is already long enough. So... more next time.

I wanted to share a song I absolutely love. I listen to it a lot. I'm fighting a battle, but I know who has won the war! I just have to choose which side I'm on. And my Savior will help me win this battle too.

There's a battle between good and evil

And it's raging inside of me

There's a struggle, it's God and the devil

It's love against the enemy

Oh no, I'm not giving up now, Oh

Life's a fight of wrong and right that's tearing me apart

Oh but what the cross has done

Yeah the world will try to battle for my heart

But the war is already won

Tuesdays... grrrr

Yesterday was.... gah and augh and rushed and ugh.
It was good too.

But mostly it was augh.
I had to drive my client a half hour away to get my paycheck (long story)...while trying to take care of a bunch of things.
Shopping. Training. Finding out there is tons of change coming.
I don't do well with change.
Stress.
Triggers.
Getting off work late, depositing my paycheck, and rushing to babysit, realizing I had groceries in the back of the car...
Not eating lunch until 4pm.
Dealing with whiny three year olds.
One who lost my cellphone...
Wandering the backyard looking for my cellphone.
Praying to find said cellphone and feeling like those prayers weren't answered.
Cooking dinner.
Missing the weekly meeting with the ARP missionaries...
Not being able to call DI... again!
Worrying about my cat that has been gone for 3 days.
I just kept telling the Lord, I am frustrated.
I am tired.
But I found the cellphone (apology prayer to Heavenly Father for all the muttering I was doing earlier).
And I spent a couple hours with my family.
Then I got upset because Walmart didn't have the brand of mouthwash I used to have
in the UK...
So I came home and went for a run.
I am not in shape, so I walked for most of it, but it was so much better than curling up in front of the TV and trying (and probably failing) to find something to watch.

I felt better. Curled up with my other cat.
Read the scriptures in the Study & Understanding section of Step 2.
Talked to Heavenly Father for a while.
I don't feel today was entirely successful as a Step 10, but I did most of what was on my to-do list.
Plus, spending time with my family and talking with a friend.
It wasn't all bad!
It just felt like it. ;)

I'm struggling. Not necessarily with my addiction... but with my character weaknesses.
With a trial I was really hoping would be over by now.
With the panicky feelings that come along with change or the idea of change.
(So I have panic attacks with change in my life... so much fun!)
I worry, I stress, I try to let go and let God and I do, but then Tuesdays happen and I try not to let
days like this overwhelm me.
Try to be grateful for lots of things every day.

Hugs always help too.
And cats.