I don't know how to do this.

I have a crush on a guy.
I'm struggling with this.
I have had one boyfriend in my life. When I was 16. It lasted for the summer and ended dramatically and I went all Marianne in Sense and Sensibility, and acted just like a teenager with a broken heart. I moped, I cried, I wrote horrible poetry. There are whole swaths of my journal I can't read now because it's still rather painful and juvenile. I even wrote down what he wore.

In the intervening years there have been guys, oh so many, and more heartbreak and dates that never called again, of telling a guy I liked him and never hearing from him again. Of me trying to be what they wanted and then finally just being myself, but still being alone.

Flash forward 20 years and I still feel like that 16 year old who wonders what she's doing wrong. I've read books. I've asked friends. I've examined myself and made changes. I've prayed.

Truth: I have no idea how to have a relationship. How to start a relationship.
For most of my life, my knowledge of relationships, about "love," came from written pornography and romantic comedies. Not exactly accurate.
I created entire relationships in my head and then got mad when he didn't do what I thought he should. When he probably had no idea I even liked him. I've gotten to the point where I can recognize Limerence and love and lust and fantasy and see where I am. But I still feel deeply.

I find myself doing this again. Right now.
The last week has been up and down and happy and depressingly morose. I've cried. I've hurt.
And I think, it shouldn't be this hard! Is it me? Am I making more out of a... friendship than is there?
I asked my crush out. And he said yes and then I haven't heard anything from him since. Augh. I like him. I really like him. Apparently, he doesn't have a clue. I think he should react a certain way and when he doesn't, I'm sad because to me it means he doesn't care.

I've talked with friends and roomies and family. I feel good for a bit, but then something happens and I'm plunged into depression. I think he knows and yet he isn't reacting the way I think that he would... ?
My roommate says I have a fear of rejection and I think it's a part of what is going on, but I don't know what to do with that information. How do you tell yourself "Quit feeling this." Or "stop feeling so deeply."

This is exactly why I say I am perfectly happy single. I'm a sex addict and I am scared of relationships. I am scared that I can't do it in the proper way (?) whatever that means. Basically, I feel like I'm still 16. Trying to make sense of boys and my own emotions. Dealing with the fear that I'm overreacting (and no one wants that) and then wondering how to halt those crazy moments. Added into the fear that he will find out about me, my addiction, and turn away. Which is foolish to think, when he doesn't even know much else about me. It's not like I'm going to blurt it out on the first date. If we even get to that point.

I know enough to know that the emotions I'm feeling right now are not just about a boy. My cats have been sick. More changes at work. I'm moving positions again. Yes, I've only been there two months and I've moved twice. Today was hard. It was lonely and new and... difficult.
And I think "I need boy drama like I need a broken leg." I pray and tell Heavenly Father that I am not cool with this. I ask Him what purpose this serves. I tell myself that this too will end in tears. I wonder if the difficulty means I'm doing something faulty. A sign that it's wrong.
The deep, deep fear of being hurt again. And then being hurt anyway.

I am sore afraid. I'm stuck between wanting a... let's just go with date. I want a date. Yet, I'm scared of the outcome. Any outcome. Fear. Fear. Fear. Fear.

Sigh.

Romans 5:1-4
Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:

By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

And patience, experience; and experience, hope:

I'm working on the glory part. 

All I can do is keep moving forward. Attend group. Study the scriptures. Pray. Turn all this over to Heavenly Father and hope that someday this will make sense. I will see what I learned from this experience.

In the meantime, I'll try not to stalk anyone on Facebook...

Sometimes I ask "why"

You're probably reading this thinking I ask "Why do I have this addiction," but you would be incorrect.

I'm kinda over that. For today, at least.

In the past few weeks, I've lost good friends and a dear relative to death. There was some employment drama with the news that my job was going to end wayyy earlier than thought (long story) and so I was facing unemployment after moving a month ago.
Stress. Stress. Stress.

Plus, I have yet another crush/limerence on a friend and it is driving me crazy.
Part of me secretly hoped that if this whole marriage thing ever happens it would involve less mind games and me doubting myself. As in an angelic manifestation. Or the man just walking up and asking me out. To know that he is interested. I hate crushes. It's not fun. It's not exciting. It's brought up feeling of incompetence and worry about how will I ever tell someone that I love that I have an addiction. As well as the whole "what is wrong with me" issues when he doesn't seem interested.

Monday it all just hit me. The loss, the grief, the worries, the doubts and the frustration. All capped by a former good friend sending me a bitter message implying that I had caused their mental breakdown simply by reaching out to say hi.
All I wanted to be was anywhere else but here.
So I came home and cried. And cried. And cried.

The week didn't get any easier. And I found myself asking "why." Why do I have to have a crush. Why is this happening? So when I found myself playing the comparison game, I checked myself. I usually don't do that, so I knew I needed to look at myself and get to the bottom of the emotional bucket, as it were.

In the past two months I have been through a lot. Emotionally, physically, mentally and emotionally.
Big, huge changes. Heartbreak and loss. Adjusting. Worry. The heat!
Plus, the loneliness. I don't have a lot of friends where I live yet and I feel that lack.

Then came group night and I tried to make some excuses, but I went. It was where I needed to be. It was a lot better than last time and I'm fairly sure I went way over my time, but I needed to talk. It helped tons. This is longest I've gone between meetings since I started recovery. I need to go.
So I'm going next week.
I'm also exercising every day, as much as I can. I'm reaching out in my ward (still need to meet with my Bishop to introduce myself), finding activities to join in locally, and I'm going to start going to SA  (Single Adult) stuff (scary), and trying to keep turning all this over to the Lord. Every moment or hour it takes.

So I'll make it. I'll make it with God at my side.


One last note. Monday, as I lay on my bed with tears streaming down my face, this song came on...
thank you, Heavenly Father, for the tender mercy.

Whatever I do...

The past month, excluding the great feeling of completely Step 10 (YAY!), has been hard. I've had trouble sleeping, feeling very idle and just overall blah.

There's been a lot of grief in this past month in my ward, in my life, with my friends. I know that grief has been a big part of my sadness.

Then, last Friday, I had a near slip. I'd downloaded a song, a fun 80's pop tune I'd heard that day and remembered I liked and was clean. So I bought it and that night I was playing a game on my phone and listening to it on repeat. Well, then I started imagining singing it with someone famous (I think I've been watching too much Jimmy Fallon) and then, well, I realized that I should stop it, but it took a few prompts to get me to do so.

I lived in a fantasy world almost all day every day, so my brain is programmed to seek it out. It was a struggle and I kneeled and asked for forgiveness in prayer, THEN that night I has an emotional user dream. Meaning, the emotions in the dream triggered me, not the dream itself, as everyone in the dream was dressed in Edwardian clothes. Weird. So I woke up triggering and emotional because of a stupid dream in which I was triggered emotionally. Frustrating!

However, I feel… better. Happier. Nicer.

There are still struggles and triggers and temptations, but I've found as I focus on the Lord, He helps me.

I am working on studying my scriptures daily. On sincere, not-by-rote- prayers daily, hourly, etc. On turning hard moments over to the Lord.

I still have days where I feel I don't succeed. Where I've been grumpy or stubborn or hurtful to others, BUT I can turn those feelings over to my Heavenly Father and He replaces them with calm and peace.

Today's song is one of my favorites. It's what I'm doing now. I'm not losing heart. I'm pushing through the dark.

Josh Wilson Pushing Through the Dark

It's a miracle (and I say this only half joking)

Last night I finished the last question in the Study & Understanding section of Step 10!!!!!

YAY!!!!

I have completed it!

Meaning, I'll keep working on daily inventory, and it needs a lot of work, but I need to move on to Step 11. I've been feeling this for a while.

So, it's taken a year. But Step 10 is DONE!!!!! I am no longer on Step 10! 

Hurrah!

This is totally how I feel right now.

1 Corinthians 15:57
But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

This isn't going away.

This entry is an accumulation of thoughts from the past, well, two years.
I've been working on it since I started the blog.
This morning I woke up, exhausted, tired and stumbled out of bed.
I instantly felt...bad.
The thought in my mind was that I had messed up. Slipped.
I was so tired, that praying wasn't helping because I still had the feeling of wrongness.
But I hadn't done anything wrong!
It was tough, but I pushed through it and felt a lot better. Reading this month's Ensign helped.

Anyway, this ties in because, well, my addiction isn't going to go away. As in, I won't wake up one day and go pick up a romance novel. I have to watch myself.

Outside my PASG meetings, there are free Deseret News newspapers. I usually grab one and sometimes I actually get around to reading it. :)
A few weeks ago, I actually sat down after the meeting and read the first article, "The Reboot." Why? Well, the article about brain chemistry and pornography addiction. So of course I wanted to read it.
As I finished it, my mom asked me what I was reading and I told her.
This look flashed across her face.

Thursday night I was trying to find something to watch and she asked for Vampire Diaries. So I switched the station, which was luckily on a commercial, and left the room. She called "You don't have to leave." But, I do. That show is one of my triggers.

She's accused me in the past of being judgmental of what she watches, so I catch myself before I say anything.

But it's hard.
I can barely watch kissing on TV!

Now I'm not saying my family is not supportive in my recovery. My mom's come to a couple meetings. My brother's come to another ARP meeting I facilitated.
Yet, this is the same brother, in asking (yet again), why I wasn't doing the online dating thing... I mentioned to my bro, in the course of this conversation, that I was frightened of having to tell my future husband about my addiction. His response, "Well, maybe he doesn't need to know." (Oh, I'm pretty darn sure he's going to want to know about this.)
These experiences sum up the feeling I get from my family. The silent questions, "Aren't you over this yet?" "Hasn't it been long enough?" "Shouldn't you be 'fixed' by now?"

And I want to reply, "This isn't going away!"
I mean that in the best possible way! Part of me doesn't want it to go away.
In the ARP presentations I do, the script used by the missionaries say "In AA, the phrase is once an addict, always an addict. But we believe that through the atonement of Jesus Christ, you can be healed."
I actually don't like this part. Hey, I'm not saying Christ doesn't heal us, I'm living proof that He does, BUT...
They are both right. Addiction isn't something that can be fixed. It's not something we get over and move on with our lives. I am an addict. Christ healing me doesn't change this fact. When I first started recovery, I thought that I would do the 12 steps in 12 weeks and then be fixed! I could go back to my life and that pesky addiction wouldn't be a problem anymore.
Oh, ha ha ha ha ha ha.
I had/have to continue to sacrifice and work at recovery.
In 20 years I'm fairly sure I'm still going to need to monitor my reading, music and viewing choices. I'm still going to need to be working the manual, doing my dailies, and working recovery. Yet, this excites me. It doesn't depress me.
Because I'm changed. Christ and my Heavenly Father (and the Holy Ghost) changed me. I can change back if I want, but why would I want to?

Oh, yes it's hard. It's hard to not be able to read the books that everyone is reading or watch the TV shows everyone loves and quotes on Facebook (bye bye Big Bang Theory. You're funny, but so dirty. Bye bye Friends. Joey and Chandler are addicted to porn and everyone laughs.)
Films are out too. I made the mistake of going to see a Gerard Butler film that was PG-13. It was the one time I didn't read the Pluggedin review, because it was Gerard Butler. I love him!
And I spent half the movie plugging my ears and humming because it was triggering me.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
It wasn't worth it!

I don't want this to turn into a hopeless blog entry. It's not. It's full of hope! Healing is possible!
But recovery requires sacrifices.
When Jesus told the woman caught in adultery to go her way and sin no more, He meant it!
She couldn't go back to the same situation. She had to change. She had to sacrifice.
The reward she received was worth more than the sin!

I have had to give up "so much," okay it definitely felt that way at the time. Yet, it wasn't! A closer relationship with my Heavenly Father (we're working on that), feeling better about myself, feeling better about life... there are so many blessings from the sacrifices.

For my scripture study, I've been reading the footnotes in Alma 5:14-30 (for Step 10... see I'm kinda working it). Anyway, it's Alma discourse on keeping a change of heart.
Verse 26: And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a ^achange of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the^bsong of redeeming love, I would ask, ^ccan ye feel so now?

Footnote a references three Topical Guide subjects: Change; Conversion; Man, New, Spiritually Reborn. So I decided to read all the references for every topic. I've just started on Man, New, Spiritually Reborn... these scriptures are amazing! Read them!
One of the first ones is Jeremiah 24:7
And I will give them an heart to know me, that I am the Lord: and they shall be my people, and I will be their God: for they shall return unto me with their whole heart.

I want my heart to know God. I want to be His daughter. I want to return to Him with my whole heart. Every day! 

Do I succeed at this? Not always, but the promise is still there.

If I had not been in recovery, I don't think I would be where I am spiritually. This is worth it!

So, another song. Another Mercy Me song. "The Hurt and Healer."

This is how I felt starting recovery. This is how I still feel. It's so hard to trust Him, to let go, but He can breathe my heart back to life. I can fall into His arms. I'm alive because my Savior healed me. He is healing me. I am glad my addiction/addictive personality isn't going away.

I never thought I'd say that.