ARP is about more than addiction

The past couple months have been crazy! Not "I ended up in the hospital" crazy, but crazy. God decided to answer my long standing prayers to find a new place to live in one weekend. With 15 days to move! And it was hard.
I had to say goodbye to a place I've lived for two years! A ward I loved and people I considered friends.... and then things didn't end well with my landlady. Which also hurt.

I thought moving would fix everything and I found myself feeling depressed and anxious and still being late for work. My body was trying to deal with the sudden change, and the difficulty of that last day and I was starting therapy...

This week has been hard emotionally. I felt that I needed help, only to be asked to wait for a leadership meeting to be over. There are a lot of stresses and I've had some horrible user dreams.
But I did realize that the ARP program is not just about addiction.

I've started a new ARP manual and as I was reading Step 1, I realized that I could replace addiction with anxiety or depression and it was still true. I was being prideful, I was not being honest with myself and I was struggling.

I need to write and get a lot of this out, because keeping it inside is making my emotional state wobble and crash.

I do love that I have another resource for recovery from my mental hurts, the manual. So my goal today is to answer one question from the Study & Understanding section in Step 1.
Wish me luck.

I hate February

I'm sorry, February. It's not you. It's me.
Six years ago, February was my rock bottom. It was the month I indulged in my addiction almost nonstop. I didn't go to church, or really hang out with friends... I just read and read and read. And went to the store and read romance novels.

Plus, the days are short and it's Valentine's month.

But I will survive. I'm going to church! I finally finished Step 12!!! YAY!
There's a lot going on right now, but I have faith I will make it through this.
As usual, God has my back.

What the heck?!

Life has been hard lately - which is par for the course.
I hope that I'm dealing with it better, learning to take care of myself and not use shame to berate myself for not being perfect every day. To be enough and see what I have accomplished every day.
Depression and addiction are daily battles.
So yesterday I spent some time with friends and treated myself to a new necklace.
I'm learning to bake and will attempt to make my own almond milk soon.

It's been a rough week, partly because of something unexpected that happened.

I'm attending a Pornography Treatment Workshop that LDS Family Services offers. I was hesitant because, well, I'm in recovery for 5 years and this seems more geared to those just introduced to recovery. My counselor and I thought it was a good idea to help me boost my recovery skills and help with my depression by learning new things and giving service to others.
I was just starting to feel that I was contributing and also gaining a lot from the weekly sessions.
Then...

Two things. 1) It's a joke that every new ARP Group I attend has someone I know there. My very first ARP Meeting started this. Since I moved down to UT, that hasn't been the case...
2) I've never felt a desire to reveal myself as a Sex addict. I have prayed about it, but I don't feel it's time. One reason is that I am more than my addiction and I don't think it would be beneficial to announce it. Although I'm sure people can figure it out. :) (that's not to say it isn't a good thing to do - it's just not right for me)

So I'm sitting in our class and we're about 15 minutes into it. We were discussing Elder Faust's talk on the Atonement from Oct 2001. A talk that gave me hope at a very dark time of my life. I'd messed up the night before (my euphemism for masturbation) and was feeling very unworthy and dirty and hopeless. His talk gave me hope. It's always held a special place in my heart. It only took 9 more years for me to start recovery! ha ha ha.

Anyway, I'd just shared this story when there was knock on the door. And in walked one of my coworkers. For an internship.
Honestly, I started censoring myself. It was funny in a small way, but I still felt... odd and uncomfortable. I knew it wasn't because I was afraid of this person tattling on me. She is not like that. It wasn't until I was texting a fellow PASG friend that I realized why... because it wasn't my choice. My addiction was revealed without my having the choice to reveal it. Also,  and this is the biggest issue... this is not a fellow addict. In previous groups, I felt comfortable meeting people I knew because they were having the same struggles I was. But this co worker is an intern and now she knows one of my deepest struggles. Nothing's changed at work... She hasn't said anything about it. Very nice. But I'm still not entirely comfortable with her yet.
Sigh.
The cowardly part of me wants to never go back, but I will. Running away accomplishes so little.
Plus, the damage is already done. ;)

Finally, a very happy Easter to you all! I have spent a very nice day pretty much alone and it's actually been very nice. I'm also working on scheduling my days out. Today I have cooked dinner! It was very good. And now I'm going to index and then bed. I've had several user dreams lately and I know it's due to lack of sleep with the additional stress. That is on my to-do list too - get enough sleep!
Remember that you and I are not alone, because the Savior is there. He walked alone, so we don't have to now.

Survival Mode

I started a post a few weeks ago, but never finished it.
Hi, I'm Stacey!
The past couple months have been horrible, and good, beautiful and ugly and hard.

I've started seeing a counselor and I love it. It's so helpful and nice to have someone who is honest with me. For bad and for good! I realized that I was expecting too much from myself, with my illness and my depression/anxiety. It's a process. Even if I only get one or two things done, I accomplished something! That is good.

A brief recap:

Coming back from Thanksgiving, I had a hard week. My counselor helped me figure out it was because dealing with my family is a trigger for me. That and I still can't eat much. Pumpkin pie with whip cream was a huge mistake.
That's been hard too. I've lost weight, but my depression and anxiety are still there. I can have panic attacks when I eat the wrong thing. Yes, I look good, but
This is very, very frustrating. I can tell because I have user dreams too. I actually had one where I was tempted to indulge in fantasy and I gave in. It felt so real! Ugh, this brain sometimes.

Christmas was good. Nice and relaxing.
I saw the new Star Wars and went to a nice Candlelight service with my landlady and her family.
But, all the stress of family and life wore on me. I missed a whole day of work because of it.
I couldn't meet with my counselor over Christmas.
We also visited my brother and his family, which was nice, but also tense and stressful.
Family can be triggers, my counselor helped me see that.
And then I picked up some illness from my nephews. It was so bad, I missed two days of work and finally went to see the doctor... who put me on antibiotics. yay.
Anxiety lies. Depression lies. Addiction lies.
I was feeling all three. A lot of lies.

I withdrew. I didn't go to church or activities. I missed group for about a month.
Looking back, I was majorly depressed.

Last week I decided to be social. I went to our RS Activity (that was so much fun) and group! I really needed group. We were on Step 6.
Honestly, I thought "Oh, no."
These past few months have been HARD! Emotionally, physically, mentally... all of those and more.
I struggle with feeling close to Heavenly Father and my Savior. I studied the Christmas Story, but I wasn't feeling the story. Does that make sense?
I was praying and studying and... I felt distant from my HF and Savior.
That night, as we read, I realized that I've been in Survival Mode.
Getting through the day is my goal.

And that's okay.
My counselor is helping me see that depression focuses on perfectionism. I have to clean my house all in one day.
I have to do Indexing, Family History, bake and cook, Visit Teach, Serve others, etc... RIGHT NOW!
That's not possible.
I'm a Work in Progress. A Masterpiece in Progress.
One day at a time. And if I only get one thing done... I got ONE thing done!
YAY!

I got sick again after the New Year and put back on antibiotics... that was nerve wracking.
So I'm watching very carefully what I eat and drink. Dang my low immune system.

Work is stressful and not fun right now, but I'm sticking it out because I'm hoping for blessings. I'm hoping for improvement. Pulling out of this funk and starting to feel like I'm living and not just survival mode.
Working in improving prayers. Remember Heavenly Father and my Savior every day. Praying to remember them when needed. Not just in bad times, but in good. I really need to work on the bad, though. I tend to forget them when I'm in the middle of a stressful or bad moment.
Right now, I'm going to bed early. Lots to do tomorrow and I need to get sleep.
I went to a fireside the other night and we sang my favorite hymn "Come Unto Jesus."

Come unto Jesus, ye heavy laden. 
Careworn and fainting, by sin oppressed.
He'll safely guide you unto that haven
Where all who trust Him may rest.

Wishing you peace and love...

There's gotta be a point to this.... please

Today.
Today is hard.
This whole week has been a trial.
Ha.
These past two months have been a trial.

I'm tired. I've been having panic attacks all day.
I've felt weak and ill.
Totally freaked out.

Last Sunday I started feeling sick after church and then it hit full force on Monday.
After I got some bad news on Monday about work and my pay.
I went home early and was up most of that night. I figured it was food poisoning.
Missed work Tuesday, started feeling better that night and then was up again.
So Wednesday I went to see my doctor.
It's not food poisoning.
I've missed a lot of work. I have no idea how to make ends meet.
Two Priesthood blessings have helped, but not healed like I hoped (as in instant, or at least overnight).
Two user dreams this week as well. Very real and very troubling.

BUT I finally got to take the sacrament today!
I have a kitty curled up on my leg.
Inside, I feel things will get better. That I will make it through this.

Casting Crowns came out with a new song and I love it.
It came on the radio the other day when I was feeling so lost and alone.

Stop holding on and just be held.
My addiction won't beat me. Neither will my depression.
I'll overcome the lies.
Just as soon as I feel up to it....

Augh. Life is hard.

This past month has been a roller coaster.
And part of me just wants to be done.

Except that I can't.
I have to keep trudging.
I hate trudging.

In the past month I have felt so lonely, lost and alone. I've been so homesick for the UK. I've felt triggered and tempted and had memories of fantasies and books come back very strongly and clearly. I've literally had to physically move to resist temptation.

The loneliness I can fix, so I tried to get involved with local Single Adult group. Still haven't made any friends. It seems very cliquish. I'm still going, just without a lot of enthusiasm.

And then my dad contacted my brother for his birthday, which means I'm probably next.
I do feel that I have forgiven my father, but there's no desire to have anything to do with him. I just want him to leave me alone. The worry about it, coupled with the ache of wanting to have a dad, has added stress.

Then, Friday at work, a co worker saw me reading my Nook and teased me about reading a romance novel. Which stung because I don't want people to think that. He was just teasing.
So I went to group. I was the only one.

Group is what gets me through these times.
I struggle with the fear that I will be stuck here forever.
I know that I need to work on things, the program, my prayers, etc., and I'm trying to do that.
Today I'm fasting for myself, for help.
I'm working on being grateful. For a beautiful cloud, for rain, for the blessings that I do have, like an apartment I love. My cats. My family. My car.
The Gospel.
The Book of Mormon.

Last weekend, I went to the temple for the first time in months. I'm scheduling two regular days a month to go. I cannot miss those dates. :)
So, I don't have all the answers.
Today has been emotionally rough in a lot of ways. A lesson I taught which I didn't think went well at all. Finding out that Elder Holland was in my UK ward today. I miss it so much and I try not to live in the past.
And I missed the sacrament.
At times like these, it's so easy to beat myself up. Which starts a vicious cycle where it's hard to get up in the morning. I could just sit on my couch playing games on my phone.

Today I'm watching Church videos. I'm fasting until 5:30. I'm writing this blog, which helps.
Our Sunday School lesson today was about Zacchæus. Who wants to see the Savior so desperately, that he climbs a tree.

What I love, though, is that the Savior knows where he is and he calls Zacchæus by name.

"And when Jesus came to the place, he looked up, and saw him, and said unto him, Zacchæus, make haste, and come down; for to day I must abide at thy house."

A small reminder that the Lord knows me.

I still struggle with addiction. I still struggle with the addict tendencies and character weaknesses in my life. Yet, the Savior knows where I am and He knows my name.

We have to pass through trouble. With the hope that it will get better.

I'm holding on to that hope today.

Four years in Recovery. Sometimes it does not get easier.

So this week, I'm fairly sure, is my Four Year Anniversary of being in Recovery. I think my first meeting was March 11. I don't pay attention to dates and my journal keeping at the time was not great (it still isn't). But Happy Anniversary to me!

With that, though...
(Warning: May contain triggers)

Last night I had several user dreams. Not just one! Several. Some violence related (which was my early masturbation trigger before I found romance novels) and a couple sex ones. Very vivid dreams. I've been fighting the memories all day.
Which meant I woke up late and was late to church. I missed the Sacrament. I knew I was going to miss it. First, I needed to kneel and pray for forgiveness, for help. Not a hurried prayer, but a sincere prayer. I knew I needed to go to church. So I went. I was half an hour late, but I went.
The talks in Sacrament were good, but I was still mad at myself so I wasn't paying attention. I know a user dream isn't necessarily my fault, but to me, they signaled a bigger problem. And dealing with the triggers is not fun.
I know why.
I've been watching stupid, mindless things online that sometimes contain inappropriate scenes. It doesn't matter if I skip over them, if I can in time, they are still there.
I haven't been to group in over a month. I meant to go a couple weeks ago, but fell asleep after work and woke up too late.
So tonight, I called into a Women's PASG Meeting. I'm so very glad I did. More on that later.

After the closing prayer, I was really, really early to Sunday School. The other ward was still lingering. Since I hadn't read this week's RS lesson, I opened up my manual and started reading Chapter 5, "Principles of True Repentance."

Bam. Heavenly Father was speaking to me directly. I even took the book with me, when I went to other ward to take the Sacrament. I really wanted to take the Sacrament and figured I should miss a bit of Relief Society to renew my covenants. It was a good experience, bowing my head, repeating the prayers in my head as if I was saying them. Praying for forgiveness for my sins. Partaking of the bread and water. I needed the sacrament.

Sunday School was focused on the Beautitudes. As I read along and listened to the discussion, I realized that I was doing okay. Not great. But I wasn't hopeless. I was making progress. I had come far since the dark days of my addiction. Progress was being made and I hadn't gone back. Even if it felt like it. ;)
And that's one reason why I loved, and very much needed, to read President Benson's words today.

"One of Satan’s most frequently used deceptions is the notion that the commandments of God are meant to restrict freedom and limit happiness. Young people especially sometimes feel that the standards of the Lord are like fences and chains, blocking them from those activities that seem most enjoyable in life. But exactly the opposite is true. The gospel plan is the plan by which men are brought to a fulness of joy. This is the first concept I wish to stress. The gospel principles are the steps and guidelines that will help us find true happiness and joy... If we wish to truly repent and come unto Him so that we can be called members of His Church, we must first and foremost come to realize this eternal truth—the gospel plan is the plan of happiness. Wickedness never did, never does, never will bring us happiness [see Alma 41:10]. Violation of the laws of God brings only misery, bondage, and darkness."

I recognize and know that my addiction does not bring freedom, but only misery, bondage and darkness. I know that! 

President Benson had five principles that signify true repentance. That was the first. The second was to have Faith in the Savior. Third is one that I've struggled with. A Change of Heart. Or Step 6. So I've completed Step 6, but I still struggle having a change of heart. In Step 10, the manual states that we have lost all desire for our addictions. But I still struggle with triggers and temptations. So I do feel like I'm two faced. Part of me still remembers the feelings and wants to experience those again. It's only by remembering the results of my addiction, the shame, etc., that I can overcome it. That, and praying to my Heavenly Father. Which I did, a lot, today.

Anyway, it's a great lesson.  I could quote most of it here. I hope you read it. It gave me hope when I needed it. The Holy Ghost helped me see I'm doing okay. Godly sorrow was definitely a part of my day.

The PASG meeting I phoned into was on Step 4 and that also buoyed me up. I underlined some new ideas that I noticed. And then it came to section of questions to ask when writing the inventory... In the past, when we've read this step, I've been uncomfortable. Because I still see myself doing those things. Tonight, however, I felt good about the questions. I feel I'm doing better at turning things over to the Lord.

Also, I read some of these blogs (which I haven't done in a while. I've missed you!) and that gave me more encouragement and hope. And insight. 

There are some things I need to cut back on. I spent the evening watching Church videos to fill up my Youtube recommendations with good things. 

All in all, I feel hopeful. There is lots I need to work on, eating, sleep, thoughts, emotions, etc. But I know I can it, because I know in whom I can rely. My Heavenly Father, my Savior and the Holy Ghost. They are rooting for me. They are reaching for me.

President Benson ended with this quote "We must not lose hope. Hope is an anchor to the souls of men. Satan would have us cast away that anchor. In this way he can bring discouragement and surrender. But we must not lose hope. The Lord is pleased with every effort, even the tiny, daily ones in which we strive to be more like Him. Though we may see that we have far to go on the road to perfection, we must not give up hope."

Then he says "Finally, we must remember that most repentance does not involve sensational or dramatic changes, but rather is a step-by-step, steady, and consistent movement toward godliness."

That was what I needed today. The assurance that I am making the effort. That this effort will pay off.  If I hold on to hope and strive for true repentance daily, I am making "steady and consistent movement toward godliness." 

So can you.

Four years ago was a very, very dark time in my life. I had lost hope, but I turned to my Heavenly Father for help. I had no idea the journey ahead. But I give thanks daily for this program. I marvel at the miracle He has made of my life.

I could not do this without my Godhead.

You can do this too. He is waiting. They are willing.

A new year...

First off: I have a job!
A real, permanent job!

YAY!

It was a Christmas present from my Heavenly Father.
Of course, this being me.... my body is now freaking out.
Somehow, I can make it through the stressful portion and then, when things calm down, my body and brain say "Ok, life is good. Crisis over...now lets freak out." I've been battling panic attacks and, surprisingly, a lot of triggering thoughts, memories... one of a "book" I was writing years ago.
I keep giving it up to Heavenly Father. I don't want anything to come between me and Him, especially memories that I have repented of. Nice how Satan likes to drag those up.

I don't want those. I want my Heavenly Father.
Not to say it's hard.
I've been battling fantasies. Especially of having a boyfriend. The holidays, for some reason, bring a feeling of loneliness for me. Really, I am fine being single. In many ways, I can't imagine having a boyfriend. I haven't had one since I was 16 and... what would I do with one?
I'm still struggling with my crush and so I try to think of what I want in a boyfriend, but that veers too close to fantasy territory. Gah!
Also, being the holidays, I haven't been eating the healthiest, which I know contributes.
So my resolutions are to work out more often, work Step 11 more often and watch my sugar, because I'm starting to suspect that sugar is addictive.

But I have a job! I'll have a desk! A place that is mine.
Things are settled. It feels really nice. Like huge weight has been lifted.
Finally, March of 2015 will mark my fourth year since starting recovery! Wow.
I am so grateful for the ARP program. It has blessed my life in so many ways.
I am reborn. I am made new. I am healed through my Savior and Redeemer because I took courage and went to see my Bishop all those years ago.
If you are struggling, please see your Bishop. It may not be a perfect experience. Pray for your Bishop. Heavenly Father wants you to come back to Him. And if you take that first step, as I did, you will find that He is "anxiously reaching for you," as Elder Holland says.

Bring on 2015! With God on my side, who can stand against me!

Life is the good and the bad.

It's been almost a month since my last blog post and now I'm struggling with my addiction and with life!
Ha ha.
Due to the holiday season and the fact that my group meets on Friday, I haven't been able to attend PASG for a couple weeks. And lately, I've been struggling with triggers, fantasies, thoughts (oh my word, the thoughts) and the desire to escape. I finally got to attend group a couple weeks ago, but missed the next one because it was the same night as my Ward Christmas Party and... I wasn't feeling well. I spaced it.
I've been so lonely and that is triggering memories and thoughts and ... ugh.
My crush is back at work, with his girlfriend.
And in three weeks, I may not have a job. I may be moving home. I have bills that need to be paid.

I realized part of the problem is that I don't have a space of my own. They've moved me at work to someone else's desk. So my things are in a box.
I have my room at "my" apartment, but being stuck in my room all night is not cool. I still don't feel like I belong or that this is my place. I just rent a room.

Anxiety is constantly there, waiting to erupt.
I've gotten three rejection letters this week.

So, after my last interview of the year last week, capping off a week of headaches and heartaches and panic attacks, I think my body just gave out. I think the headaches are from my new contacts (yay) and I... feel out of alignment. Out of sync. I don't know how else to describe it. I don't feel like myself.
When I woke up with a huge headache, I took Friday off of work and watched corny Christmas movies on TV, but the commercials! Oh my word! The commercials on daytime TV are insane! Sexual and just icky.
Which just added to my triggers, which has started to include the desire to masturbate. Haven't had that desire in a long time!

Loneliness is right there too. Just tonight I was following up on a show I used to watch (it started looking up a character on a film my roommate was watching, which is not Sunday appropriate, so I shouldn't have been watching it in the first place)... anyway, so I was looking up this show and there were a couple clips of the main couple kissing.
Trigger? It triggered emotions in me.
I wanted to keep watching it so bad and I wanted to watch the other clips, but luckily, I realized that was a step on a slippery slope and I couldn't go there. I didn't want to go there. Well, I did, but I knew it wouldn't end well.
But that's pretty much every day now.
And I've made some really stupid choices in what I read (who knew Dear Abby and other advice columns would be so sexual?) during the day that I've triggered these thoughts. So I need to keep my Sabbath day special and spiritual.

And every day I fight off panic attacks and nausea and fainting. It's so "fun." So I'm trying to figure out what is going on. I know part of it is that my spirit, body, mind, etc., just can't take it anymore. It's been three months of stress and sadness and worry.
I'm so tired. Plus, being the Christmas season, my sugar intake has increased which is also not helping. Ugh.

So even with the news that things should be alright (I find out definitely tomorrow) job wise, I'm not feeling it.
Basically, I can't feel it right now.

Usually, when I have triggers this bad, it means I need to work on the ARP program. At the same time, I don't feel like I'm working recovery.
I feel low.

Still, I know that things will be okay. This won't last forever. I do have to keep trying and keep striving.

There's a quote on my wall a friend in recovery gave me a long time ago.
"We Can Do Hard Things."

I don't want you to think that I'm awful. I still laugh. Life has hard moments, but beautiful and good moments too. I thank my Heavenly Father for the good moments. He is with me.

D&C 133:45

For since the beginning of the world have not men heard nor perceived by the ear, neither hath any eye seen, O God, besides thee, how great things thou hast prepared for him that waiteth for thee.

I'm finding joy in Christmas. I've gone to the temple, which has helped. I know there is light ahead. I just have to keep going toward it. And work on Step 11. Maybe just answer one question tonight. I can do that much.

Up, down and all around

The last week of April was good. I've been feeling okay with things. Not great. Not amazing, just good.
And then Friday came.
I was excited because I'd just checked out a book I'd been interested in reading. It was set in the past, it was a British author, and it had a cool plot. What could go wrong?
So, while waiting on a client, I pulled it out to read.
10 pages in was a sex scene.
Gah. Seriously?
I didn't want to quit reading the book, so I skipped ahead and then went back thinking I might have missed a plot point.
And then I thought WHAT THE HECK am I going back for? Seriously stupid.
I caught myself. I know the Spirit helped.
It's not worth it.

I closed the book. I prayed. I texted my support person. I pulled out my iPod, but the battery was dead! Darn it. So I went for a walk. Prayed some more. I then came back, placed the book at the other end of the couch and pulled out my e-reader to read Step 11. Texted with my support person and then took that book back to the library as soon as I could.
But that meant I was triggering for the rest of the day. Ugh, so not worth it.
Now I'm reading Victorian authors again. Sigh. Stupid books.

At the same time, it was a neat experience… because I stopped! I recoiled, literally. I could have had a slip and the Spirit helped me stop.
YAY! and then boo for stupid books.

Saturday I went to the local ARP conference. It was really great.
My favorite class was on Family Dis-ease and about how emotionally unhealthy families breed addicts.
Hello to my childhood. So I got some great notes on how to avoid that in my future.
There was also a class on the addict brain, and, my other favorite, crying out to Jesus in the time of need.
The presenter, a recovering addict, talked about how emotions just are. They are neither good or bad, but we still have to deal with them. I know this is true. To get away from the unpleasant emotions, like anger and sadness, I turned to my addiction. Until I had to use my addiction to numb the nice emotions!
So even when I feel sad, I try to remember that at least I am feeling. And I cry out to Jesus for help.

So after a nice, mostly spiritual weekend, I got hit with a user dream Monday when I fell asleep on the couch. The worst I've had in a long time. It was so hard to wake up, because the addict part of me wanted to stay asleep. To stay in the dream. I had to tell myself wake up.
More texting to my support person (rather glad I got one).

Luckily, the rest of the week has been better. God has answered my prayers in many ways. I still struggle with depression about life, but I'm trying to move forward.  To check something off my to-do list every day.

A potentially life-changing event is happening tomorrow. I'm stepping back and letting the Lord direct me where He wants me to go.

I'm still working on Step 11. Today I've been hungry and tired, so I didn't work on it, but I do plan on working on it tonight before bed.
I've been reading the scriptures from Step 11 and I found one that really touched me.

Ether 12:41
And now, I would commend you to seek this Jesus of whom the prophets and apostles have written, that the grace of God the Father, and also the Lord Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost, which beareth record of them, may be and abide in you forever.
For so long, I sought my addiction, I fed my character weaknesses. Now, as I seek Jesus, God and the Holy Ghost, I have grace in me forever. Isn't that an amazing promise?
I hope I can continue to have that grace.

A "whoa" moment.

Yesterday was hard.
I woke up from a user dream that felt so real, I worried that it was real. That I had slipped. I prayed.
User dreams. Ugh.
After praying, I felt that it was just a dream. But I still read the Ensign to recover while eating breakfast.
It was a nice day after that. Helped some friends, got to hold a baby, and no more triggers.

Then, last night, while I was cleaning my room, I decided to listen to some music.
I chose one labeled Favorite Songs.
However, I had forgot that this playlist was made quite a while ago, when I was still in fantasy world mode. Not all the songs, but I realized a few could trigger me. Still, I figured I would just get rid of those songs. So I hit play.
The first song popped up. It was a favorite one from a TV show I was obsessed with and had to sacrifice because, well, long story. Triggers. Fantasy world, etc.
So the photo displaying while the song played was from this show. Trigger. Okay, I deleted that video from the playlist... but I remember liking the song, so I found a different video of the song and it started playing.

A trigger wave.
That is the only way I can describe it.
The song is not bad. It's not dirty or suggestive. It's just a song. But I used it to fuel my fantasies regarding that TV show.
And my brain remembered.
Suddenly, wow, I could remember the exact fantasy I'd crafted to that song.
And then all the fantasies I'd created around that show were there. In my mind. Tugging and pulling for my attention.
More triggers.
Whoa.
I shut the computer and decided to run an errand.
More triggers in the car.
Maybe I should have prayed to Heavenly Father (maybe I was saying subconscious prayers). This was surreal! I felt such a pull toward the fantasies/addiction. A pull that I haven't felt in such a long time. At the same time, there was a desire to pull away from it.
I was fighting myself.
So I turned up the radio. It was already set to a Christian station.
The song that was playing I can't remember, but I felt peace fill my mind.
I sang out loud. I thanked Heavenly Father for good music. I asked for forgiveness for my thoughts.
By the time I got to my destination, I felt tons better. More Christian music on the way home.
When I got to my room, I deleted that song and all the songs that I realized would trigger me because of why I listened to them.
My playlist is now safe, I think. I will check again.
Saving that for tomorrow.

Today, though. Today felt great. I only got half the sacrament, but church was wonderful.
The testimonies and lessons were exactly what I needed to hear.

It's been a very spiritual day. I fasted and lasted until 6!
I've decided to start being consistent with my nightly routine and going to bed at a decent time (yet here I am at midnight writing on my blog. Sigh. Well, tomorrow is another day).

Today, I've listened to great music. I have a Christian Favs playlist on youtube so I put that on... although my. word. Youtube... what is up with the ads? I'm listening to music about Christ! Can't the ads match?

I also went to a ward sing along. I love the hymns!

Now I want to share a song that I really like. The past couple weeks, I've only caught the end of it, but I was curious. So today I looked up the whole song. LOVE it. It's a Christian song by Chris Tomlin.

I'm coming back to the start
where You found me
I'm coming back to Your heart
now I surrender
Take me
This is all I can bring

I'm coming back to the start
our God is freedom
and here we feel Your heart
Your heart beat for us
Take me
This is all I can bring

Chorus:
You'll never stop loving us
no matter how far we run
You'll never give up on us
all of heaven is shouting
let the future begin

I have no idea what God's great dance floor is, which is why the song caught my attention. Chris Tomlin relates it to the party the Prodigal Son's father threw for him and God's grace. He says God's grace is His great dance floor.
Still have no idea what that means. But, it's a cool image.
Plus, the video has a man in sombrero playing the trumpet. That is so cool!

They look like they are so happy. Even the security guard is dancing! This song brings me happiness. I cry when I listen to it. Yet it makes me want to dance.

Because of His grace, I am alive. I come alive.

Heavenly Father never gives up on us.