Augh. Life is hard.

This past month has been a roller coaster.
And part of me just wants to be done.

Except that I can't.
I have to keep trudging.
I hate trudging.

In the past month I have felt so lonely, lost and alone. I've been so homesick for the UK. I've felt triggered and tempted and had memories of fantasies and books come back very strongly and clearly. I've literally had to physically move to resist temptation.

The loneliness I can fix, so I tried to get involved with local Single Adult group. Still haven't made any friends. It seems very cliquish. I'm still going, just without a lot of enthusiasm.

And then my dad contacted my brother for his birthday, which means I'm probably next.
I do feel that I have forgiven my father, but there's no desire to have anything to do with him. I just want him to leave me alone. The worry about it, coupled with the ache of wanting to have a dad, has added stress.

Then, Friday at work, a co worker saw me reading my Nook and teased me about reading a romance novel. Which stung because I don't want people to think that. He was just teasing.
So I went to group. I was the only one.

Group is what gets me through these times.
I struggle with the fear that I will be stuck here forever.
I know that I need to work on things, the program, my prayers, etc., and I'm trying to do that.
Today I'm fasting for myself, for help.
I'm working on being grateful. For a beautiful cloud, for rain, for the blessings that I do have, like an apartment I love. My cats. My family. My car.
The Gospel.
The Book of Mormon.

Last weekend, I went to the temple for the first time in months. I'm scheduling two regular days a month to go. I cannot miss those dates. :)
So, I don't have all the answers.
Today has been emotionally rough in a lot of ways. A lesson I taught which I didn't think went well at all. Finding out that Elder Holland was in my UK ward today. I miss it so much and I try not to live in the past.
And I missed the sacrament.
At times like these, it's so easy to beat myself up. Which starts a vicious cycle where it's hard to get up in the morning. I could just sit on my couch playing games on my phone.

Today I'm watching Church videos. I'm fasting until 5:30. I'm writing this blog, which helps.
Our Sunday School lesson today was about Zacchæus. Who wants to see the Savior so desperately, that he climbs a tree.

What I love, though, is that the Savior knows where he is and he calls Zacchæus by name.

"And when Jesus came to the place, he looked up, and saw him, and said unto him, Zacchæus, make haste, and come down; for to day I must abide at thy house."

A small reminder that the Lord knows me.

I still struggle with addiction. I still struggle with the addict tendencies and character weaknesses in my life. Yet, the Savior knows where I am and He knows my name.

We have to pass through trouble. With the hope that it will get better.

I'm holding on to that hope today.