Struggling and Trudging

One of my favorite movies is A Knight's Tale because, well Paul Bettany as Chaucer and it's just a great movie. A line that I've adopted for hard times comes from aforementioned Chaucer. He's lost everything gambling and he's walking all alone when one of the characters asks him what he's doing.

Chaucer: Uh... trudging. You know, trudging? 
[They all stare at him]
Chaucer: To trudge: the slow, weary, depressing yet determined walk of a man who has nothing left in life except the impulse to simply soldier on.

Lately it feels like I am trudging. Simply soldiering on in hopes that I will find something...
and I'm struggling.

I recently started a new intense therapy for my depression and anxiety. It's working, but-- much like recovery-- it's hard, it's emotional, it's going to take time. I've had many low days, depressed days, and it's affected my work. Which is an added stress. I'm easily triggered and very emotional. I've had to avoid news, social media as it relates to politics, etc. I've had to reset my expectations of what I can and can't accomplish in a day... and be happy with the results, even if all my to-do boxes aren't checked off.

One thing that's been hard is my addiction. I've been in recovery for seven years, but I find myself easily triggered now in podcasts, music... all the old triggers. I know it's because my body and my brain want to help me... and that's how they used to do it! And I may have slipped up last night. I stayed up late late into the night watching romantic movies. Historical romance. Because I'm lonely. I would love some romance in my life. A partner. I'm so tired of doing it all myself... but at the same time I have no desire to even get out there and date. I tried to go to a Singles Dance a few weeks ago and... never again. I'm okay being single, I love my life. I so do not want to have to deal with all the dating crap I would have to go through right now... but...

So I found myself watching these videos, movies I've seen before. Based on historical fiction books. Very romantic... and I felt that longing, that feeling of wanting that or desiring that feeling, and the longing that comes with watching people kiss. I used to use kissing or sex scenes in movies to feed my addiction. So I'm not sure if last night was a slip up, or just a simple longing for something I don't have in my life... I want to talk with my bishop, who is a good man... but I don't feel comfortable talking to him about this.

One of the reasons? My testimony is struggling. It has been ever since the news broke of the MTC abuse scandal. As a victim of abuse myself. As someone who was treated differently, especially when my parents divorced... a someone who was not believed... to read that response from the Prophet of the Church... broke me. Because I'd always held onto the hope that a prophet would have reacted differently than my bishop did. I held onto the talks given over the years from these same leaders that abuse was wrong. They condemned it... except for now, apparently. Because that first statement blamed the victim. And THEN to find out they had known about this for EIGHT years! This predator has never been punished! And this woman is still trying to be heard. It broke me. I watched as fellow abuse victims in group struggled with it. I struggled with it. Because this is not how the Savior would have acted.

One night I had a huge crisis of faith, because if these "prophets" could treat a victim of abuse in such a way... was the Church even true? Where would I go?

I stayed. I stayed because I believe in the gospel. I believe the gospel is true. I believe in eternal families, and priesthood power, and the ARP program. That is from Heavenly Father. I believe that God is trying to work with human beings... but I struggle to accept President Nelson as a prophet. I've struggled through each conference this year. The lack of women giving talks or prayers. The lack of talking about real, pressing issues. The obnoxious emphasis on the name. Then, to be told by these same priesthood leaders that my sole role in this life is to be a nurturer and to get married and have babies... that can't be my sole purpose! I am single. My purpose has to be more than that. More than waiting until I'm dead to get the real blessings  that I missed out on this life.
Today, I didn't go to church. Mostly because I slept through it. I've been struggling with attending church. I don't feel that I belong.
I did talk to my bishop about my concerns and he helped, a little, but he thinks "there's more to the story." Which I don't believe.
Anyway... that's where I am. Today, even though it's Sunday, I think I will clean my house while trying to listen to conference. I did love many of the talks from October Conference... I'm working on it. Maybe we're in transition. Because the Church has changed, my bishop pointed out, it will continue to change. I must hold on to the belief that the gospel is true.
Because the Church's ARP program has changed me. It saved me in many ways.
I'm going through my own transition as well. In an effort to help my therapy be easier, I'm simplifying my life. One way is that  I'm changing PASG groups. They moved my original one further away and it's a struggle to get there. Plus, there is a different ARP mission area closer to me and I feel the desire to be closer to home. Most of the women from the group when I originally began coming, no longer come. It's new people and I figure I can feel just as alone in a new group and not have to drive 20 miles. And to not have to freak out every week trying to survive the interstate traffic. I hope to make new friends there.

Wish me luck as a trudge.

Up, down and all around

Hi! I haven't posted in the last few weeks because, well... life.
I lost my job after only two months and struggled with being out of work again. There wasn't the cushion of money and, honestly, losing two jobs in five months is not great on the self-esteem.

So I went back to job hunting. It was hard and I struggled with anxiety and depression and triggers.
I was definitely having many Children of Israel "moments" where I worried that nothing good was coming.

But it has come! I have a job! A career that I am sure I will love. Interestingly enough, it came the week I've struggled very hard with my triggers.
It started with a British show that I had chosen not to watch when it aired last year, for various reasons, but was curious enough to rent it from my library before the new series aired... and it turns out I should have listened to that original prompting.

It wasn't a explicit show, in fact, it was actually tame, but I ended up watching six hours straight, staying up until 5am, which is not good to do the week before you start a new job, but what was unexpected was the longing that the main male character brought out in me. There were a lot of intense emotions.
The main character is played by a very beautiful man and the character in the story is a good guy too... stands up for the weak, etc. And suddenly I was dealing with feelings of passion and longing and desire that I had not felt in, well, over two years. My heart was broken and I realize now, that I shut down my heart and those natural desires. I am social, but I've avoided the local Single Adult group like it was infested with the plague. If God wanted me to meet someone, it was going to involve a high amount of Divine intervention.

Now here I was, early in the morning after spending six hours intensely involved in a tv show, feeling all these emotions and desires that were triggering and I was being triggered. I found myself looking up the actor, which used to be a prelude to indulging in my fantasy addiction. I stopped. Also, I've been triggering all week. As I was driving to Group this week, I realized that what I was feeling wasn't bad or wrong! These are natural feelings and emotions. It was how I needed to deal with them. Limerence, love, passion, desire... are normal! I had taken them and distorted them. Then, the big reveal happened... this was happening because Heavenly Father wants me to learn how to "bridle my passions" for a future relationship. (Not that I have any idea how far away this future is... it could be years)... so that revelation led to my realization that I had tampered all romantic emotions. Honestly, my first reaction was ugh. I do not feel at all ready or even willing for this. It brings up a lot of deep-seated fears about intimacy and marriage that I've struggled with for years. But I will soldier through. A friend in group sent me a couple great articles on this topic. I might share these later.

One of the hardest parts from this week was reading articles posted by a Mormon on sex and porn addictions being myths. That is a whole other blog post, which I hope to write soon. Still, with that temptation there... and the idea that it isn't a "real"addiction... that created a whole new issue and trigger.
BUT I resisted! Prayer helped a lot. I reached out to my Heavenly Father constantly. I look forward to learning more about myself and how to control my emotions and passions. Because what I feel isn't a sin! All this will be okay. I have my PASG group. I have my defenses and actions. I have my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost cheering me on.

Sometimes it's too heavy

It was going to be a good weekend. I was planning on going home, but my mom started talking about traffic and not having a lot of time... I got the hint. So I stayed and went to group and then had a smoothie that had milk in it and turns out my plans for Saturday did not pan out, so I read a book and then decided to color my hair and do some chores and, as the night went on... I started feeling odd. So when I finally got in bed... the room started spinning, really horrible feeling, coupled with a massive panic attack... oh it was fun! I could sleep propped up, but I've been feeling worse as the day goes on.

Oh, and I scratched my face... you know, like babies do, with my own fingernail! I have a coldsore... it's just a million tiny things.

So today, I pulled myself enough together to go to Sacrament meeting, but I couldn't stay the whole time (at least I took the sacrament) and then... well, I just don't feel up to doing much. And it totally sucks!
The few people I've reached out to have not replied or even seemed to care. Which means I'm feeling very alone and a little lost and stressed.
Now, I know it's not just this. I realize that there are other stresses (like the fact that I don't have insurance and can't just go see a doctor today like I really, really want to) and money worries, etc and so forth.

I learned this through recovery. I learned to not just block the feelings, but to feel them. To ask why I'm feeling this way. That it's okay to feel these feelings. It's okay to be hurt and sad and angry. What is not okay is passively aggressively reacting and acting out to others. Even though I absolutely want to be that person right now.

And it will be okay. Maybe I just need to cry and cuddle my cats and listen to sad music and watch videos that make me cry.

In any type of recovery, we need down days.

Spring is finally here.

Last month I was fired from my job.
It sucks. It completely sucks and I am angry and upset and sad and mourning and lonely and depressed and more sad and then more angry. I have to drive past my former work at times, and I still picture it bursting into flames (no one is inside). It might be a while until I can move forward. ha ha ha.

And I am not stuffing these feelings. I'm FEELING them.
The first few days after it happened, I was surprised at how the longing for my addiction returned. It definitely wasn't as strong as it used to be... very weak, but still there. I could have given in. But I also knew it wasn't worth it. Yes, reading porn or indulging in fantasy would have eased the pain of being fired, but I know that, after that moment of high, then comes the crushing low. I didn't want that!
So I prayed. I cried. I wrote. I read books and listened to music. I refused to listen to the voice.

It's not been easy. My self worth and esteem tanked. I've felt lost, wondering why this had to happen. Not taking care of myself.
 In my pornography group, PTW, (which I highly recommend), we talked about the journey from being an addict to becoming a non-addict.
I struggled with this, because the label of addict was freeing to me. It was an answer and a label that helped me recognize the problem and move forward in recovery. It was no longer a "bad habit."
However, our counselor talked about moving from addict to non-addict with risk factors.
I feel I'm getting there. Where I'm not an addict, but I do have risk factors to monitor and care for. Isn't that a great idea?

There are still hard days. Getting rejection letters every day, while psyching myself up for interviews only to get rejection letters is not fun. Plus, trying to get insurance... AUGH! It is hard. Very, very hard. I do want to run away.
Some days I still have to take a break and just relax. Count my blessings. Find a good moment. A "hand of God" moment.

Self care is important. I'm also working on actually attending the temple.
I'm holding on to hope that something better is coming. That God sees over and around and beyond the mountain in front of me.
It's been a long, long, hard winter, but I feel spring again. There are still wintry days, but I'm enjoying the sun more and more.
There is hope and happiness ahead.

Tender Mercies

Five years ago this month was my time of darkness. I dived into my addiction.
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.

Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.

I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.

The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!

One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.

I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!

I feel better! Not that life is suddenly easy. It doesn't seem so completely overwhelming and impossible.
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!

Tender Mercies

Five years ago this month was my time of darkness. I dived into my addiction.
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.

Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.

I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.

The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!

One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.

I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!

I feel better! Not that life is suddenly easy. It doesn't seem so completely overwhelming and impossible.
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!

Tender Mercies

Five years ago this month was my time of darkness. I dived into my addiction.
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.

Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.

I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.

The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!

One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.

I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!

I feel better! Not that life is suddenly easy. It doesn't seem so completely overwhelming and impossible.
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!

Survival Mode

I started a post a few weeks ago, but never finished it.
Hi, I'm Stacey!
The past couple months have been horrible, and good, beautiful and ugly and hard.

I've started seeing a counselor and I love it. It's so helpful and nice to have someone who is honest with me. For bad and for good! I realized that I was expecting too much from myself, with my illness and my depression/anxiety. It's a process. Even if I only get one or two things done, I accomplished something! That is good.

A brief recap:

Coming back from Thanksgiving, I had a hard week. My counselor helped me figure out it was because dealing with my family is a trigger for me. That and I still can't eat much. Pumpkin pie with whip cream was a huge mistake.
That's been hard too. I've lost weight, but my depression and anxiety are still there. I can have panic attacks when I eat the wrong thing. Yes, I look good, but
This is very, very frustrating. I can tell because I have user dreams too. I actually had one where I was tempted to indulge in fantasy and I gave in. It felt so real! Ugh, this brain sometimes.

Christmas was good. Nice and relaxing.
I saw the new Star Wars and went to a nice Candlelight service with my landlady and her family.
But, all the stress of family and life wore on me. I missed a whole day of work because of it.
I couldn't meet with my counselor over Christmas.
We also visited my brother and his family, which was nice, but also tense and stressful.
Family can be triggers, my counselor helped me see that.
And then I picked up some illness from my nephews. It was so bad, I missed two days of work and finally went to see the doctor... who put me on antibiotics. yay.
Anxiety lies. Depression lies. Addiction lies.
I was feeling all three. A lot of lies.

I withdrew. I didn't go to church or activities. I missed group for about a month.
Looking back, I was majorly depressed.

Last week I decided to be social. I went to our RS Activity (that was so much fun) and group! I really needed group. We were on Step 6.
Honestly, I thought "Oh, no."
These past few months have been HARD! Emotionally, physically, mentally... all of those and more.
I struggle with feeling close to Heavenly Father and my Savior. I studied the Christmas Story, but I wasn't feeling the story. Does that make sense?
I was praying and studying and... I felt distant from my HF and Savior.
That night, as we read, I realized that I've been in Survival Mode.
Getting through the day is my goal.

And that's okay.
My counselor is helping me see that depression focuses on perfectionism. I have to clean my house all in one day.
I have to do Indexing, Family History, bake and cook, Visit Teach, Serve others, etc... RIGHT NOW!
That's not possible.
I'm a Work in Progress. A Masterpiece in Progress.
One day at a time. And if I only get one thing done... I got ONE thing done!
YAY!

I got sick again after the New Year and put back on antibiotics... that was nerve wracking.
So I'm watching very carefully what I eat and drink. Dang my low immune system.

Work is stressful and not fun right now, but I'm sticking it out because I'm hoping for blessings. I'm hoping for improvement. Pulling out of this funk and starting to feel like I'm living and not just survival mode.
Working in improving prayers. Remember Heavenly Father and my Savior every day. Praying to remember them when needed. Not just in bad times, but in good. I really need to work on the bad, though. I tend to forget them when I'm in the middle of a stressful or bad moment.
Right now, I'm going to bed early. Lots to do tomorrow and I need to get sleep.
I went to a fireside the other night and we sang my favorite hymn "Come Unto Jesus."

Come unto Jesus, ye heavy laden. 
Careworn and fainting, by sin oppressed.
He'll safely guide you unto that haven
Where all who trust Him may rest.

Wishing you peace and love...

Augh. Life is hard.

This past month has been a roller coaster.
And part of me just wants to be done.

Except that I can't.
I have to keep trudging.
I hate trudging.

In the past month I have felt so lonely, lost and alone. I've been so homesick for the UK. I've felt triggered and tempted and had memories of fantasies and books come back very strongly and clearly. I've literally had to physically move to resist temptation.

The loneliness I can fix, so I tried to get involved with local Single Adult group. Still haven't made any friends. It seems very cliquish. I'm still going, just without a lot of enthusiasm.

And then my dad contacted my brother for his birthday, which means I'm probably next.
I do feel that I have forgiven my father, but there's no desire to have anything to do with him. I just want him to leave me alone. The worry about it, coupled with the ache of wanting to have a dad, has added stress.

Then, Friday at work, a co worker saw me reading my Nook and teased me about reading a romance novel. Which stung because I don't want people to think that. He was just teasing.
So I went to group. I was the only one.

Group is what gets me through these times.
I struggle with the fear that I will be stuck here forever.
I know that I need to work on things, the program, my prayers, etc., and I'm trying to do that.
Today I'm fasting for myself, for help.
I'm working on being grateful. For a beautiful cloud, for rain, for the blessings that I do have, like an apartment I love. My cats. My family. My car.
The Gospel.
The Book of Mormon.

Last weekend, I went to the temple for the first time in months. I'm scheduling two regular days a month to go. I cannot miss those dates. :)
So, I don't have all the answers.
Today has been emotionally rough in a lot of ways. A lesson I taught which I didn't think went well at all. Finding out that Elder Holland was in my UK ward today. I miss it so much and I try not to live in the past.
And I missed the sacrament.
At times like these, it's so easy to beat myself up. Which starts a vicious cycle where it's hard to get up in the morning. I could just sit on my couch playing games on my phone.

Today I'm watching Church videos. I'm fasting until 5:30. I'm writing this blog, which helps.
Our Sunday School lesson today was about Zacchæus. Who wants to see the Savior so desperately, that he climbs a tree.

What I love, though, is that the Savior knows where he is and he calls Zacchæus by name.

"And when Jesus came to the place, he looked up, and saw him, and said unto him, Zacchæus, make haste, and come down; for to day I must abide at thy house."

A small reminder that the Lord knows me.

I still struggle with addiction. I still struggle with the addict tendencies and character weaknesses in my life. Yet, the Savior knows where I am and He knows my name.

We have to pass through trouble. With the hope that it will get better.

I'm holding on to that hope today.

A new year...

First off: I have a job!
A real, permanent job!

YAY!

It was a Christmas present from my Heavenly Father.
Of course, this being me.... my body is now freaking out.
Somehow, I can make it through the stressful portion and then, when things calm down, my body and brain say "Ok, life is good. Crisis over...now lets freak out." I've been battling panic attacks and, surprisingly, a lot of triggering thoughts, memories... one of a "book" I was writing years ago.
I keep giving it up to Heavenly Father. I don't want anything to come between me and Him, especially memories that I have repented of. Nice how Satan likes to drag those up.

I don't want those. I want my Heavenly Father.
Not to say it's hard.
I've been battling fantasies. Especially of having a boyfriend. The holidays, for some reason, bring a feeling of loneliness for me. Really, I am fine being single. In many ways, I can't imagine having a boyfriend. I haven't had one since I was 16 and... what would I do with one?
I'm still struggling with my crush and so I try to think of what I want in a boyfriend, but that veers too close to fantasy territory. Gah!
Also, being the holidays, I haven't been eating the healthiest, which I know contributes.
So my resolutions are to work out more often, work Step 11 more often and watch my sugar, because I'm starting to suspect that sugar is addictive.

But I have a job! I'll have a desk! A place that is mine.
Things are settled. It feels really nice. Like huge weight has been lifted.
Finally, March of 2015 will mark my fourth year since starting recovery! Wow.
I am so grateful for the ARP program. It has blessed my life in so many ways.
I am reborn. I am made new. I am healed through my Savior and Redeemer because I took courage and went to see my Bishop all those years ago.
If you are struggling, please see your Bishop. It may not be a perfect experience. Pray for your Bishop. Heavenly Father wants you to come back to Him. And if you take that first step, as I did, you will find that He is "anxiously reaching for you," as Elder Holland says.

Bring on 2015! With God on my side, who can stand against me!

Life is the good and the bad.

It's been almost a month since my last blog post and now I'm struggling with my addiction and with life!
Ha ha.
Due to the holiday season and the fact that my group meets on Friday, I haven't been able to attend PASG for a couple weeks. And lately, I've been struggling with triggers, fantasies, thoughts (oh my word, the thoughts) and the desire to escape. I finally got to attend group a couple weeks ago, but missed the next one because it was the same night as my Ward Christmas Party and... I wasn't feeling well. I spaced it.
I've been so lonely and that is triggering memories and thoughts and ... ugh.
My crush is back at work, with his girlfriend.
And in three weeks, I may not have a job. I may be moving home. I have bills that need to be paid.

I realized part of the problem is that I don't have a space of my own. They've moved me at work to someone else's desk. So my things are in a box.
I have my room at "my" apartment, but being stuck in my room all night is not cool. I still don't feel like I belong or that this is my place. I just rent a room.

Anxiety is constantly there, waiting to erupt.
I've gotten three rejection letters this week.

So, after my last interview of the year last week, capping off a week of headaches and heartaches and panic attacks, I think my body just gave out. I think the headaches are from my new contacts (yay) and I... feel out of alignment. Out of sync. I don't know how else to describe it. I don't feel like myself.
When I woke up with a huge headache, I took Friday off of work and watched corny Christmas movies on TV, but the commercials! Oh my word! The commercials on daytime TV are insane! Sexual and just icky.
Which just added to my triggers, which has started to include the desire to masturbate. Haven't had that desire in a long time!

Loneliness is right there too. Just tonight I was following up on a show I used to watch (it started looking up a character on a film my roommate was watching, which is not Sunday appropriate, so I shouldn't have been watching it in the first place)... anyway, so I was looking up this show and there were a couple clips of the main couple kissing.
Trigger? It triggered emotions in me.
I wanted to keep watching it so bad and I wanted to watch the other clips, but luckily, I realized that was a step on a slippery slope and I couldn't go there. I didn't want to go there. Well, I did, but I knew it wouldn't end well.
But that's pretty much every day now.
And I've made some really stupid choices in what I read (who knew Dear Abby and other advice columns would be so sexual?) during the day that I've triggered these thoughts. So I need to keep my Sabbath day special and spiritual.

And every day I fight off panic attacks and nausea and fainting. It's so "fun." So I'm trying to figure out what is going on. I know part of it is that my spirit, body, mind, etc., just can't take it anymore. It's been three months of stress and sadness and worry.
I'm so tired. Plus, being the Christmas season, my sugar intake has increased which is also not helping. Ugh.

So even with the news that things should be alright (I find out definitely tomorrow) job wise, I'm not feeling it.
Basically, I can't feel it right now.

Usually, when I have triggers this bad, it means I need to work on the ARP program. At the same time, I don't feel like I'm working recovery.
I feel low.

Still, I know that things will be okay. This won't last forever. I do have to keep trying and keep striving.

There's a quote on my wall a friend in recovery gave me a long time ago.
"We Can Do Hard Things."

I don't want you to think that I'm awful. I still laugh. Life has hard moments, but beautiful and good moments too. I thank my Heavenly Father for the good moments. He is with me.

D&C 133:45

For since the beginning of the world have not men heard nor perceived by the ear, neither hath any eye seen, O God, besides thee, how great things thou hast prepared for him that waiteth for thee.

I'm finding joy in Christmas. I've gone to the temple, which has helped. I know there is light ahead. I just have to keep going toward it. And work on Step 11. Maybe just answer one question tonight. I can do that much.

It's less of a boulder and more like a towering wall.

You know that quote by President Monson that says the future is as bright as your faith?
My faith is pretty dim right now. So what does that mean?
I am struggling. Not with my addiction, but with life.

I feel as though I was going along the path, seeing the sights ahead, confident in where I was going and then the Lord dropped a huge wall (think Mordor's gates in LOTR) that stretches in both directions for a long, long way, right down in front of me. I have no idea how to get over the wall. I didn't ask for the wall, but it's there and it scares me.

I didn't get the job.

I didn't get my job.

So I feel like I'm standing there, staring at this unexpected wall and thinking "What the heck do I do now, God?"
Luckily, I can cover for someone else, so I have a job until January. And then... big blank.
It has been rough. I mean, rough. I've cried. I've felt so emotionally exhausted.

After I got the call to tell me, I went in the bathroom and cried. Then I left early, spent some time with a friend trying to process this. I didn't get the job. What am I supposed to do now?
And then I drove home to just escape. I got a blessing which was good and I am trying to hold onto the promises in that blessing. One thing I was told was to put the Lord in my heart. Which I do need to work on. My prayers were getting a bit rote.
Then I went to the temple, because that was also in the blessing. But the problem was... I am MAD.
I am furious!
Not at God, but at those involved in this process. It's a long story. So if I wasn't listening to a book, or music or watching TV, then I was thinking about this and getting more and more angry.
My trip to the temple was... ok. I wasn't concentrating, I was thinking about this situation and being mad and then triggering because my mind was trying to deal with my anger and the constant worry that I had no idea what was going to happen next.
The Relief Society lesson was on Prayer. Ok. So I'm working on that. Sincere prayer. Constant prayer.
And part of me was ready to move home right then. I was done with new. I wanted old. (barring the whole "no jobs" there conundrum).

I've been tired and depressed and the negative self talk has been constant.
I'm not good at anything. I won't get a job again because I can't do anything useful. I have no skills. No one wants to be my friend because I'm a horrible awful person. Etc and so forth.
NOT TRUE!
But Satan likes to attack us when we're down.
Being tired didn't help. I was making plans and those plans have changed and... what happens next?
No apartment for myself, which I was really looking forward to. No pets (which has been really really hard) right now.

I went to Group tonight and we were on Step 4. I realized that I haven't been doing Step 10. I haven't been reviewing my day with the Lord at night. I haven't been working on my Steps. I need to write in my journal (literally the Spirit was tapping me on the head while we were reading).

I love Group. I love the reminders I get every time I go. And I get hugs. :)
So I've applied for jobs. I paid my tithing. I'm going to the temple tomorrow.
Then, while I was sharing, I thought of the tender mercies the Lord gave me this week.
The Christian songs that came on the radio at my darkest moments with a message I needed right then (He Knows by Jeremy Camp). The hugs and encouragement from friends and co-workers (seriously, I've gotten three emails this week with job opportunities from co-workers and friends). The scriptures that I looked up that give me hope. The strength I've felt while I pray.

Just tonight, as I was typing this, I am listening to my youtube playlist of Christian music and Carry Me by Josh Wilson comes on. That is exactly how I feel. I need to know that God is with me. I need Him to carry me.

Somehow it will be alright. I have to hold onto that promise.  The Lord said in my blessing that doors would open. My faith is enough that I will believe that. Or at least keep trying until I see those doors.

I also highly recommend The Honest Guys channel on Youtube. I am listening to "Releasing Anger" every night. It is helping.

Finally, here is a song that I love, love right now.

Sometimes the world has just gone dark.
Sometimes you're praying for a spark.
Right now it feels so hard to breathe.
Right now you're asking "God, why me?"
That's what you can see right now.

There's a bigger view than what you can see right now.

But if you lift your eyes.
See it in a different light.
Just a cloud up in the open sky.
Let the rain fall away 'cause today is beautiful!

So I'm going to stop banging on the huge wall and lift my eyes up to my Heavenly Father and ask for help.
Turn this over to Him. And try to have faith that because He sees over the horizon and around the bend, He will lead me where I need to go.

One month. 30 days.

First off, this title is just because it's been exactly a month since I posted and I have no idea what else to title this blog.
I've been meaning to post every week, but something happens or I'm too tired, etc.
It's been a whirlwind month.
I've only been to group once and while it was a great experience, I feel the lack of a weekly boost. It's harder to control my thoughts and the inappropriate ones loom quicker and larger. They are harder to get rid of and turn over to Heavenly Father.

I could write on and on, but suffice it to say, the last 30 days have been hard and just... a lot. Addiction, personal, family, work, emotional, spiritual issues - all of that. Like I'm trying to find secure ground and, when I think I have, it turns to slate and I struggle to stay standing. I get nice breaks where I can escape and just enjoy myself, and then it's back to life again.
I don't want to make this sound like I'm doing horribly.
I laugh, I smile, I see the beauty in each day. I find the tender mercies. I pray, I study (still need to work on Step 11), and I try to keep a prayer in my heart.
But I feel tired some days. I feel overwhelmed. I feel alone.
Yesterday, it all hit me. A huge, unexpected bill, an anniversary of leaving a place I loved and that I miss every day and I found myself crying and then I kneeled on my bed and put my head on the shoulder of the painting of Christ I have hanging above my bed. It wasn't completely comforting, but it helped. I wish He could hug me for real.

Hopefully, the next couple weeks will bring some answers and stability.
Heavenly Father is still answering my prayers and I find that if I do my part, then He helps me finish the task.

I'd like to share one of my favorite musicians. And one of my favorite songs. It's a theme song of sorts.

Wounded head you will be fine
Your weary legs will hold you in time

D&C 6:36
Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not

I'm trying.

I get back up again.

I haven't been working Step 10.
I'm on Step 11, but I still need to be working Step 10. It's been a whirlwind time.
Things with the stupid crush did not resolve themselves, but considering that he just left work for a long time, without saying good bye, pretty much shows me where I stand.
I am worth more than that.
So I'm going to have a little fire, in a fire safe zone, and say goodbye and move on.

Starting with Step 10. I haven't been making a schedule. I haven't been caring for myself physically, spiritually or emotionally. I've been depressed.
So, here on this blog, I'm going to start changing that. I'm going to Institute (which I did last week. I wasn't impressed, but I'm going to try again or find another one). I'm going to find something creative, like singing or writing, to do one night a week. I'm going to go to the temple more often.

I realized this because I've been struggling with thoughts, temptations and triggers this past week. That's a sure sign I am not working recovery fully.
I've been slacking in my scripture study. Not reading a lot and letting 1 or 2 verses count.
They don't.

It's not just a boy. I'm feeling a little lost. The job might be ending soon. I'm not where I want to be professionally or personally and I struggle with that. There's trials for my family and friends.
But each day is a new day. I can try again. So I'm going to. Starting tonight with getting to bed at a decent hour.

I press forward in the hope that there is happiness ahead. Better happiness. I choose to be happy today. To do my best and let God do His part.
That's all we can do, isn't it?

This I know, God is for me.

Straws and camels

My heart was heavily dented last week.
Long story short, my crush decided, after two weeks of putting me off, to confess that he was actually "kinda" dating someone else. And... ugh it's a long story. It ends with a battered heart.

At that moment when this landed on me, I think the last few months, so precariously balanced in my heart, body, and mind, broke and fell. I cried in the bathroom at work. I came home, vented to my roommate, and cried some more. I went for a walk. I was furious, I was mad, I was weak, I was frail, I was hurt, I was stunned, I was sad, I was heartbroken.  I kneeled for prayers that night and sobbed and cried harder than I have in months. Why. Why. Why. Why did this have to happen. Why did it have to hurt so much.
I also printed off his picture and went to a construction site and burned it. I listened to "Forget You." That felt good.
Part of me didn't want to go to group, but I knew I needed to go.
As I was driving there, and thinking about him and overanalyzing, the thought came that he wouldn't want me, because I'm an addict.
But then I thought... No, I am not just an addict. I am awesome! I am more than my addiction.

Group was just what I needed that night. I love that program so much. I am so glad I went.

Then the panic attacks started the next morning. I knew it wasn't just him. It was the past few months and yesterday. I was a camel and I'd had my last straw.
I really wanted to just sit home and cry that day, but I didn't. I kept busy. I went out with friends. I went to the temple, which was good. One worker told me that the people I was doing the work for would find me and thank me one day. I felt needed.
I even got to sit in the celestial room and pray.
I went out for yogurt, even though I was ill and panicky. I breathed.
Sunday I went and met with my Bishop. I told him about my addiction. We talked. I got a blessing. Then I came home and slept and only attended part of church because I felt so panicky and ill. Not fun.

It's hard. Part of me is embarrassed for what happened. Misread signals? I don't know. My confidence took a huge hit. Ugh. It's such a struggle. Also, my little abused girl keeps coming up, the "please love me, if I do this, will you love me?" aspect of me. And my obsessive thinking keeps kicking in. So helpful. My emotions are still all over the place. Let's just say the boy left things kinda up in the air.
I'm working on turning all this over to my Heavenly Father. I move forward. I strive. I try not to yield.
I need a punching bag.

So I acknowledge my feelings. I acknowledge my failings. I listen to Conference talks. I read the scriptures. I am working on Step 11. I have these meditations on Healing and Banishing Depression (or thoughts), so I'm doing those as well. I still struggle. Part of me just wants to sit and play Candy Crush all day. And sometimes I do that and then I snap out of it and go do something else.

I will get through this. I will move forward. It won't be forever. I will go for walks or go swimming instead of eating the pound of fudge in my house. I will have a bit of the fudge.
I will go to work, I will do my best to work hard. I will turn my life over to the Lord. No, I'm not perfect at this.
I will be honest. I've fantasied a bit about having a boyfriend when I see this guy next. I've imagined conversations. I've been hurt and angry. Memories, triggers and temptations have been around a lot and it is soooooo tempting to give in. I know it would be a relief, yet I know that relief would only last for a second and then the guilt would overwhelm me and it's not worth that.

So, I don't know what is going to happen. I know I will make it. I have Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost on my side.