I don't know how to do this.

I have a crush on a guy.
I'm struggling with this.
I have had one boyfriend in my life. When I was 16. It lasted for the summer and ended dramatically and I went all Marianne in Sense and Sensibility, and acted just like a teenager with a broken heart. I moped, I cried, I wrote horrible poetry. There are whole swaths of my journal I can't read now because it's still rather painful and juvenile. I even wrote down what he wore.

In the intervening years there have been guys, oh so many, and more heartbreak and dates that never called again, of telling a guy I liked him and never hearing from him again. Of me trying to be what they wanted and then finally just being myself, but still being alone.

Flash forward 20 years and I still feel like that 16 year old who wonders what she's doing wrong. I've read books. I've asked friends. I've examined myself and made changes. I've prayed.

Truth: I have no idea how to have a relationship. How to start a relationship.
For most of my life, my knowledge of relationships, about "love," came from written pornography and romantic comedies. Not exactly accurate.
I created entire relationships in my head and then got mad when he didn't do what I thought he should. When he probably had no idea I even liked him. I've gotten to the point where I can recognize Limerence and love and lust and fantasy and see where I am. But I still feel deeply.

I find myself doing this again. Right now.
The last week has been up and down and happy and depressingly morose. I've cried. I've hurt.
And I think, it shouldn't be this hard! Is it me? Am I making more out of a... friendship than is there?
I asked my crush out. And he said yes and then I haven't heard anything from him since. Augh. I like him. I really like him. Apparently, he doesn't have a clue. I think he should react a certain way and when he doesn't, I'm sad because to me it means he doesn't care.

I've talked with friends and roomies and family. I feel good for a bit, but then something happens and I'm plunged into depression. I think he knows and yet he isn't reacting the way I think that he would... ?
My roommate says I have a fear of rejection and I think it's a part of what is going on, but I don't know what to do with that information. How do you tell yourself "Quit feeling this." Or "stop feeling so deeply."

This is exactly why I say I am perfectly happy single. I'm a sex addict and I am scared of relationships. I am scared that I can't do it in the proper way (?) whatever that means. Basically, I feel like I'm still 16. Trying to make sense of boys and my own emotions. Dealing with the fear that I'm overreacting (and no one wants that) and then wondering how to halt those crazy moments. Added into the fear that he will find out about me, my addiction, and turn away. Which is foolish to think, when he doesn't even know much else about me. It's not like I'm going to blurt it out on the first date. If we even get to that point.

I know enough to know that the emotions I'm feeling right now are not just about a boy. My cats have been sick. More changes at work. I'm moving positions again. Yes, I've only been there two months and I've moved twice. Today was hard. It was lonely and new and... difficult.
And I think "I need boy drama like I need a broken leg." I pray and tell Heavenly Father that I am not cool with this. I ask Him what purpose this serves. I tell myself that this too will end in tears. I wonder if the difficulty means I'm doing something faulty. A sign that it's wrong.
The deep, deep fear of being hurt again. And then being hurt anyway.

I am sore afraid. I'm stuck between wanting a... let's just go with date. I want a date. Yet, I'm scared of the outcome. Any outcome. Fear. Fear. Fear. Fear.

Sigh.

Romans 5:1-4
Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:

By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

And patience, experience; and experience, hope:

I'm working on the glory part. 

All I can do is keep moving forward. Attend group. Study the scriptures. Pray. Turn all this over to Heavenly Father and hope that someday this will make sense. I will see what I learned from this experience.

In the meantime, I'll try not to stalk anyone on Facebook...

Sometimes I ask "why"

You're probably reading this thinking I ask "Why do I have this addiction," but you would be incorrect.

I'm kinda over that. For today, at least.

In the past few weeks, I've lost good friends and a dear relative to death. There was some employment drama with the news that my job was going to end wayyy earlier than thought (long story) and so I was facing unemployment after moving a month ago.
Stress. Stress. Stress.

Plus, I have yet another crush/limerence on a friend and it is driving me crazy.
Part of me secretly hoped that if this whole marriage thing ever happens it would involve less mind games and me doubting myself. As in an angelic manifestation. Or the man just walking up and asking me out. To know that he is interested. I hate crushes. It's not fun. It's not exciting. It's brought up feeling of incompetence and worry about how will I ever tell someone that I love that I have an addiction. As well as the whole "what is wrong with me" issues when he doesn't seem interested.

Monday it all just hit me. The loss, the grief, the worries, the doubts and the frustration. All capped by a former good friend sending me a bitter message implying that I had caused their mental breakdown simply by reaching out to say hi.
All I wanted to be was anywhere else but here.
So I came home and cried. And cried. And cried.

The week didn't get any easier. And I found myself asking "why." Why do I have to have a crush. Why is this happening? So when I found myself playing the comparison game, I checked myself. I usually don't do that, so I knew I needed to look at myself and get to the bottom of the emotional bucket, as it were.

In the past two months I have been through a lot. Emotionally, physically, mentally and emotionally.
Big, huge changes. Heartbreak and loss. Adjusting. Worry. The heat!
Plus, the loneliness. I don't have a lot of friends where I live yet and I feel that lack.

Then came group night and I tried to make some excuses, but I went. It was where I needed to be. It was a lot better than last time and I'm fairly sure I went way over my time, but I needed to talk. It helped tons. This is longest I've gone between meetings since I started recovery. I need to go.
So I'm going next week.
I'm also exercising every day, as much as I can. I'm reaching out in my ward (still need to meet with my Bishop to introduce myself), finding activities to join in locally, and I'm going to start going to SA  (Single Adult) stuff (scary), and trying to keep turning all this over to the Lord. Every moment or hour it takes.

So I'll make it. I'll make it with God at my side.


One last note. Monday, as I lay on my bed with tears streaming down my face, this song came on...
thank you, Heavenly Father, for the tender mercy.

Wrong Roads?

So I haven't been going to PASG regularly.
My first group, the one closest to me, was... odd. I even emailed the ARP Mission leader about some of my concerns and received a polite, but firm answer that things would not change. That kinda hurt.
So I tried another group, farther away and didn't feel a connection.
I really, really miss my old PASG group. I've gone to PASG twice in the month I've been here. I haven't been working on Step 11, but I've been reading my scriptures, praying, going to church, listening to conference, etc. I know I need to get back in the habit of going to meetings again, though.

The ward is nice, but I don't feel like I belong yet. I keep telling myself it has only been a couple of weeks. I have to give myself time.
Then, I got news this last week that my life is about to change again, in a big way again and so my thoughts and emotions have been in turmoil this whole weekend.
Switching from a "What the heck, Lord?" to worry about the future and what is going to happen. And sometimes all those emotions at once. Mingled with the occasional feeling of peace that all will be well. Would like more of those moments. ha ha.

I know that part of the down feeling today is due to the upheaval that I'm going through again. The possibility of having to move again in less than a month when I just moved.
I feel like I was walking, exploring this new opportunity and saw a sign that said "Cliff straight ahead," in a place where I wasn't expecting a sign and now I'm scrambling to find an alternate path before I get to the drop off. Today was a rough day emotionally. Gah emotions! I think I need a good cry.

But ahead I must move. I'm looking for ways to serve people and get outside myself.
Also, I'm working on scheduling my days and getting good sleep. Still working on that, but I hope if I keep doing all that I can, that the Lord will step in and help me.

I may have posted this video before... too bad. Listen to it again.
Every day, I get back up again. My Heavenly Father is calling.

New is hard.

Hi! I haven't disappeared.

It's been a month since my life changed rather suddenly.
This past month has been good and lovely and full of blessings... and hard and sad.

The job is still good. It's the rest of it. Balancing a new work schedule with a commute! Learning to live with someone. I haven't had roommates in years. A new ward. A new culture. A new ARP program.
That's been the hardest. I've only been able to attend one. I actually missed it this last week too, which is not a good thing.

New is hard. And while the first week of work was great and life was good, these past couple of weeks I've struggled. I've felt depressed and sad and sometimes a little hopeless. There have been triggers and temptations too. There have been some trials involving money too. One is resolved, one is not. I'm trying to be patient and trust in the Lord.

My computer died (another reason I haven't been blogging) and I got a new one. And I don't have K9 on it. And it is soooo tempting. I put my own K9 on it, which means I have the password. I'm not sure if that's going to work or not. We shall see. If not, I'll have to find someone that can do it for me. The main problem is time spent on the computer, i.e., staying up until 1am, but having to take steps to access a website or turn the wifi back on after hours involves some work, so it's nice to have the reminder. Sometimes I actually obey it!

I'm reminded that life is not just addiction. When I started recovery, I foolishly thought that all my trials and temptations would only be about my addiction. But I am more than an addict and my trials reflect that.

So I'm trying to work on Step 11. I was going to do it today, but I'm running out of time.
I know I need to make more time for the Lord. I'm back to praying on my commute and at night I'm usually so tired that I can barely keep my eyes open.
Also working on a daily schedule of specific things to do morning and night and times to do them.
Sleep and getting up on time is still a problem.
This has been a struggle in faith because I have always been a night owl and I am horrible at getting up on time.
So I'm trying to do as much as I can do to resolve this, to do research and write down goals and then see if the Lord will help me.
I'm hoping so.

My heart is full of gratitude for my Heavenly Father, my Savior and the Holy Ghost.
They are fighting for each and every one of us. I know that.
They are helping me fight this fight. They will not leave me.

Psalms 150:6
Let everything that hath breath praise the Lord. Praise ye the Lord.

A brief hi.

New job is awesome.
I found a place to live in just a couple of days.

There is a lot to talk about, but I don't have time. I need my sleep.
God has been there for me.
Really. It's a miracle for me.

So here is a song I love. It's my testimony.
It's how I've been feeling lately. I've been praying and searching for God and Jesus a lot lately.
And They have been there.
Wow.

He has healed me. He keeps healing me. I stand all amazed.
He found me in the hurricane. He keeps finding me, because the craziness that is my life hasn't ended.

I will write more later, because there is a lot to write.
I am full of gratitude for my Savior and my Heavenly Father.


2 Thessalonians 3:16
Now the Lord of peace himself give you peace always by all means. The Lord be with you all.

Unexpected road ahead.

In my last blog post, you might remember that I mentioned a potentially life-changing thing?

Well, it happened.
I'm moving out of state and I have less than two weeks to do it!
Augh!

I'm trying to trust in Heavenly Father.
I have a lot of doubts about me and this future that unexpectedly appeared, but I also told Him that His will be done. And I have to keep my word. Darn it. ;)

Honestly, part of me is sad, because this wasn't what I hoped for, deep, deep down inside. Still, it's a good change. A scary, huge change, but a good one.

I'm not sure how much I'll be able to blog as I try to quickly pack and move and find a place to live. I feel like I'm being suddenly thrust back into a grownup world. I mean, I've lived here before, but living at home is definitely different! Lots of fears are trying to crowd in, but I got a blessing and I try to recognize when the thoughts aren't from Heavenly Father. Either way, I'm pressing forward

See you on the other side?
Wish me luck.

I think He did.

Up, down and all around

The last week of April was good. I've been feeling okay with things. Not great. Not amazing, just good.
And then Friday came.
I was excited because I'd just checked out a book I'd been interested in reading. It was set in the past, it was a British author, and it had a cool plot. What could go wrong?
So, while waiting on a client, I pulled it out to read.
10 pages in was a sex scene.
Gah. Seriously?
I didn't want to quit reading the book, so I skipped ahead and then went back thinking I might have missed a plot point.
And then I thought WHAT THE HECK am I going back for? Seriously stupid.
I caught myself. I know the Spirit helped.
It's not worth it.

I closed the book. I prayed. I texted my support person. I pulled out my iPod, but the battery was dead! Darn it. So I went for a walk. Prayed some more. I then came back, placed the book at the other end of the couch and pulled out my e-reader to read Step 11. Texted with my support person and then took that book back to the library as soon as I could.
But that meant I was triggering for the rest of the day. Ugh, so not worth it.
Now I'm reading Victorian authors again. Sigh. Stupid books.

At the same time, it was a neat experience… because I stopped! I recoiled, literally. I could have had a slip and the Spirit helped me stop.
YAY! and then boo for stupid books.

Saturday I went to the local ARP conference. It was really great.
My favorite class was on Family Dis-ease and about how emotionally unhealthy families breed addicts.
Hello to my childhood. So I got some great notes on how to avoid that in my future.
There was also a class on the addict brain, and, my other favorite, crying out to Jesus in the time of need.
The presenter, a recovering addict, talked about how emotions just are. They are neither good or bad, but we still have to deal with them. I know this is true. To get away from the unpleasant emotions, like anger and sadness, I turned to my addiction. Until I had to use my addiction to numb the nice emotions!
So even when I feel sad, I try to remember that at least I am feeling. And I cry out to Jesus for help.

So after a nice, mostly spiritual weekend, I got hit with a user dream Monday when I fell asleep on the couch. The worst I've had in a long time. It was so hard to wake up, because the addict part of me wanted to stay asleep. To stay in the dream. I had to tell myself wake up.
More texting to my support person (rather glad I got one).

Luckily, the rest of the week has been better. God has answered my prayers in many ways. I still struggle with depression about life, but I'm trying to move forward.  To check something off my to-do list every day.

A potentially life-changing event is happening tomorrow. I'm stepping back and letting the Lord direct me where He wants me to go.

I'm still working on Step 11. Today I've been hungry and tired, so I didn't work on it, but I do plan on working on it tonight before bed.
I've been reading the scriptures from Step 11 and I found one that really touched me.

Ether 12:41
And now, I would commend you to seek this Jesus of whom the prophets and apostles have written, that the grace of God the Father, and also the Lord Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost, which beareth record of them, may be and abide in you forever.
For so long, I sought my addiction, I fed my character weaknesses. Now, as I seek Jesus, God and the Holy Ghost, I have grace in me forever. Isn't that an amazing promise?
I hope I can continue to have that grace.