Life is the good and the bad.

It's been almost a month since my last blog post and now I'm struggling with my addiction and with life!
Ha ha.
Due to the holiday season and the fact that my group meets on Friday, I haven't been able to attend PASG for a couple weeks. And lately, I've been struggling with triggers, fantasies, thoughts (oh my word, the thoughts) and the desire to escape. I finally got to attend group a couple weeks ago, but missed the next one because it was the same night as my Ward Christmas Party and... I wasn't feeling well. I spaced it.
I've been so lonely and that is triggering memories and thoughts and ... ugh.
My crush is back at work, with his girlfriend.
And in three weeks, I may not have a job. I may be moving home. I have bills that need to be paid.

I realized part of the problem is that I don't have a space of my own. They've moved me at work to someone else's desk. So my things are in a box.
I have my room at "my" apartment, but being stuck in my room all night is not cool. I still don't feel like I belong or that this is my place. I just rent a room.

Anxiety is constantly there, waiting to erupt.
I've gotten three rejection letters this week.

So, after my last interview of the year last week, capping off a week of headaches and heartaches and panic attacks, I think my body just gave out. I think the headaches are from my new contacts (yay) and I... feel out of alignment. Out of sync. I don't know how else to describe it. I don't feel like myself.
When I woke up with a huge headache, I took Friday off of work and watched corny Christmas movies on TV, but the commercials! Oh my word! The commercials on daytime TV are insane! Sexual and just icky.
Which just added to my triggers, which has started to include the desire to masturbate. Haven't had that desire in a long time!

Loneliness is right there too. Just tonight I was following up on a show I used to watch (it started looking up a character on a film my roommate was watching, which is not Sunday appropriate, so I shouldn't have been watching it in the first place)... anyway, so I was looking up this show and there were a couple clips of the main couple kissing.
Trigger? It triggered emotions in me.
I wanted to keep watching it so bad and I wanted to watch the other clips, but luckily, I realized that was a step on a slippery slope and I couldn't go there. I didn't want to go there. Well, I did, but I knew it wouldn't end well.
But that's pretty much every day now.
And I've made some really stupid choices in what I read (who knew Dear Abby and other advice columns would be so sexual?) during the day that I've triggered these thoughts. So I need to keep my Sabbath day special and spiritual.

And every day I fight off panic attacks and nausea and fainting. It's so "fun." So I'm trying to figure out what is going on. I know part of it is that my spirit, body, mind, etc., just can't take it anymore. It's been three months of stress and sadness and worry.
I'm so tired. Plus, being the Christmas season, my sugar intake has increased which is also not helping. Ugh.

So even with the news that things should be alright (I find out definitely tomorrow) job wise, I'm not feeling it.
Basically, I can't feel it right now.

Usually, when I have triggers this bad, it means I need to work on the ARP program. At the same time, I don't feel like I'm working recovery.
I feel low.

Still, I know that things will be okay. This won't last forever. I do have to keep trying and keep striving.

There's a quote on my wall a friend in recovery gave me a long time ago.
"We Can Do Hard Things."

I don't want you to think that I'm awful. I still laugh. Life has hard moments, but beautiful and good moments too. I thank my Heavenly Father for the good moments. He is with me.

D&C 133:45

For since the beginning of the world have not men heard nor perceived by the ear, neither hath any eye seen, O God, besides thee, how great things thou hast prepared for him that waiteth for thee.

I'm finding joy in Christmas. I've gone to the temple, which has helped. I know there is light ahead. I just have to keep going toward it. And work on Step 11. Maybe just answer one question tonight. I can do that much.

When I'm afraid

A blog post with the details of the past month is coming... hopefully tomorrow.

Needless to say, it's been really hard.

Then, the other night at a particularly dark, scary moment, this song came on the radio. Twice. Really. It was in the middle of a bunch of songs on my local Christian radio. I had heard it, cried, then switched stations and it came on again not five minutes later!

Heavenly Father knew I needed that message right at that moment.

It's one of my favorite songs now.

The world is so broken and sometimes it leaves you cold.
And at times you can't feel the fire to guide you home.
The demons will haunt you and try to steal what you know.
But the angels, they brought you, and they're gonna hold you up.
They're gonna hold you up.

They see the fear in your eyes, heart sinks like a stone.
'Cause when you're afraid, it weighs on your soul.

Our Heavenly Father and Savior do know us. They know me. They will hold me up.

It's less of a boulder and more like a towering wall.

You know that quote by President Monson that says the future is as bright as your faith?
My faith is pretty dim right now. So what does that mean?
I am struggling. Not with my addiction, but with life.

I feel as though I was going along the path, seeing the sights ahead, confident in where I was going and then the Lord dropped a huge wall (think Mordor's gates in LOTR) that stretches in both directions for a long, long way, right down in front of me. I have no idea how to get over the wall. I didn't ask for the wall, but it's there and it scares me.

I didn't get the job.

I didn't get my job.

So I feel like I'm standing there, staring at this unexpected wall and thinking "What the heck do I do now, God?"
Luckily, I can cover for someone else, so I have a job until January. And then... big blank.
It has been rough. I mean, rough. I've cried. I've felt so emotionally exhausted.

After I got the call to tell me, I went in the bathroom and cried. Then I left early, spent some time with a friend trying to process this. I didn't get the job. What am I supposed to do now?
And then I drove home to just escape. I got a blessing which was good and I am trying to hold onto the promises in that blessing. One thing I was told was to put the Lord in my heart. Which I do need to work on. My prayers were getting a bit rote.
Then I went to the temple, because that was also in the blessing. But the problem was... I am MAD.
I am furious!
Not at God, but at those involved in this process. It's a long story. So if I wasn't listening to a book, or music or watching TV, then I was thinking about this and getting more and more angry.
My trip to the temple was... ok. I wasn't concentrating, I was thinking about this situation and being mad and then triggering because my mind was trying to deal with my anger and the constant worry that I had no idea what was going to happen next.
The Relief Society lesson was on Prayer. Ok. So I'm working on that. Sincere prayer. Constant prayer.
And part of me was ready to move home right then. I was done with new. I wanted old. (barring the whole "no jobs" there conundrum).

I've been tired and depressed and the negative self talk has been constant.
I'm not good at anything. I won't get a job again because I can't do anything useful. I have no skills. No one wants to be my friend because I'm a horrible awful person. Etc and so forth.
NOT TRUE!
But Satan likes to attack us when we're down.
Being tired didn't help. I was making plans and those plans have changed and... what happens next?
No apartment for myself, which I was really looking forward to. No pets (which has been really really hard) right now.

I went to Group tonight and we were on Step 4. I realized that I haven't been doing Step 10. I haven't been reviewing my day with the Lord at night. I haven't been working on my Steps. I need to write in my journal (literally the Spirit was tapping me on the head while we were reading).

I love Group. I love the reminders I get every time I go. And I get hugs. :)
So I've applied for jobs. I paid my tithing. I'm going to the temple tomorrow.
Then, while I was sharing, I thought of the tender mercies the Lord gave me this week.
The Christian songs that came on the radio at my darkest moments with a message I needed right then (He Knows by Jeremy Camp). The hugs and encouragement from friends and co-workers (seriously, I've gotten three emails this week with job opportunities from co-workers and friends). The scriptures that I looked up that give me hope. The strength I've felt while I pray.

Just tonight, as I was typing this, I am listening to my youtube playlist of Christian music and Carry Me by Josh Wilson comes on. That is exactly how I feel. I need to know that God is with me. I need Him to carry me.

Somehow it will be alright. I have to hold onto that promise.  The Lord said in my blessing that doors would open. My faith is enough that I will believe that. Or at least keep trying until I see those doors.

I also highly recommend The Honest Guys channel on Youtube. I am listening to "Releasing Anger" every night. It is helping.

Finally, here is a song that I love, love right now.

Sometimes the world has just gone dark.
Sometimes you're praying for a spark.
Right now it feels so hard to breathe.
Right now you're asking "God, why me?"
That's what you can see right now.

There's a bigger view than what you can see right now.

But if you lift your eyes.
See it in a different light.
Just a cloud up in the open sky.
Let the rain fall away 'cause today is beautiful!

So I'm going to stop banging on the huge wall and lift my eyes up to my Heavenly Father and ask for help.
Turn this over to Him. And try to have faith that because He sees over the horizon and around the bend, He will lead me where I need to go.

He knows.

Today's lesson in Sunday School was in Isaiah. I love Isaiah! I love the promises from the Lord recorded by this prophet. Yes, I struggle to understand him, but the beauty of the language touches my heart.
As I've been reading these verses this week, Heavenly Father has spoken to me and given me comfort.
October was a rough, rough month, but it's getting better. I've had some great experiences going to visit friends and family. I still need to work on triggers from my family, well, because of my family. There are some unresolved issues there that I need to deal with.

And the good news is, within the next week, I will know about my job, finally! It's still nerve wracking, because I don't know what will happen.
Today I was reading the Ensign during church. I'm still trying to catch up on the October edition. Anyway, it was an article that talked about being single and the author quoted Elder Scott talking about compensatory blessings. That resonated with me.
Back when I was deep in my addiction, I was miserable and I saw the withholding of what I wanted as punishment from God. I see now that He is sending compensatory blessings for me when I don't get what I want. I'm still being blessed in good ways. Numerous ways.

I finally got to attend group and it was wonderful! It continually amazes me of the miracle God has performed in my life through the ARP program. This week thoughts and images and memories have been bombarding me! It's been a real struggle to give them to Heavenly Father. It's been a struggle not to feel shame, but I know I can get through these moments, if I turn to my Heavenly Father.

And as we read Isaiah 53:3-7, I remembered that my Savior knows. He knows about temptations and triggers. He knows my sorrow and struggles. He knows my doubts and fears.
I've been really struggling with sleep lately. As in getting to bed at a good time and getting up on time. It's been a lifelong struggle, actually. So I fasted about it today. I also have my own plans on how to help. Starting with setting an alarm at night to help me remember to get ready for bed.
Like recovery, I can't wait on the Lord to change me. I have to work at it as well. And keep going, even when I fail or struggle or want to give up.

But He knows me and He will help me. He loves me. He loves you.
Today in Sunday School we read Isaiah 53:6:
"All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way;"

In my manual, by Step 1, I wrote down these words from Peter and reading that verse made me think of this one, 1 Peter 2:25:
For ye were as sheep going astray; but are now returned unto the Shepherd and Bishop of your souls.

We have gone astray, but the Shepherd of our souls wants us to return to Him.

One month. 30 days.

First off, this title is just because it's been exactly a month since I posted and I have no idea what else to title this blog.
I've been meaning to post every week, but something happens or I'm too tired, etc.
It's been a whirlwind month.
I've only been to group once and while it was a great experience, I feel the lack of a weekly boost. It's harder to control my thoughts and the inappropriate ones loom quicker and larger. They are harder to get rid of and turn over to Heavenly Father.

I could write on and on, but suffice it to say, the last 30 days have been hard and just... a lot. Addiction, personal, family, work, emotional, spiritual issues - all of that. Like I'm trying to find secure ground and, when I think I have, it turns to slate and I struggle to stay standing. I get nice breaks where I can escape and just enjoy myself, and then it's back to life again.
I don't want to make this sound like I'm doing horribly.
I laugh, I smile, I see the beauty in each day. I find the tender mercies. I pray, I study (still need to work on Step 11), and I try to keep a prayer in my heart.
But I feel tired some days. I feel overwhelmed. I feel alone.
Yesterday, it all hit me. A huge, unexpected bill, an anniversary of leaving a place I loved and that I miss every day and I found myself crying and then I kneeled on my bed and put my head on the shoulder of the painting of Christ I have hanging above my bed. It wasn't completely comforting, but it helped. I wish He could hug me for real.

Hopefully, the next couple weeks will bring some answers and stability.
Heavenly Father is still answering my prayers and I find that if I do my part, then He helps me finish the task.

I'd like to share one of my favorite musicians. And one of my favorite songs. It's a theme song of sorts.

Wounded head you will be fine
Your weary legs will hold you in time

D&C 6:36
Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not

I'm trying.

I get back up again.

I haven't been working Step 10.
I'm on Step 11, but I still need to be working Step 10. It's been a whirlwind time.
Things with the stupid crush did not resolve themselves, but considering that he just left work for a long time, without saying good bye, pretty much shows me where I stand.
I am worth more than that.
So I'm going to have a little fire, in a fire safe zone, and say goodbye and move on.

Starting with Step 10. I haven't been making a schedule. I haven't been caring for myself physically, spiritually or emotionally. I've been depressed.
So, here on this blog, I'm going to start changing that. I'm going to Institute (which I did last week. I wasn't impressed, but I'm going to try again or find another one). I'm going to find something creative, like singing or writing, to do one night a week. I'm going to go to the temple more often.

I realized this because I've been struggling with thoughts, temptations and triggers this past week. That's a sure sign I am not working recovery fully.
I've been slacking in my scripture study. Not reading a lot and letting 1 or 2 verses count.
They don't.

It's not just a boy. I'm feeling a little lost. The job might be ending soon. I'm not where I want to be professionally or personally and I struggle with that. There's trials for my family and friends.
But each day is a new day. I can try again. So I'm going to. Starting tonight with getting to bed at a decent hour.

I press forward in the hope that there is happiness ahead. Better happiness. I choose to be happy today. To do my best and let God do His part.
That's all we can do, isn't it?

This I know, God is for me.

Straws and camels

My heart was heavily dented last week.
Long story short, my crush decided, after two weeks of putting me off, to confess that he was actually "kinda" dating someone else. And... ugh it's a long story. It ends with a battered heart.

At that moment when this landed on me, I think the last few months, so precariously balanced in my heart, body, and mind, broke and fell. I cried in the bathroom at work. I came home, vented to my roommate, and cried some more. I went for a walk. I was furious, I was mad, I was weak, I was frail, I was hurt, I was stunned, I was sad, I was heartbroken.  I kneeled for prayers that night and sobbed and cried harder than I have in months. Why. Why. Why. Why did this have to happen. Why did it have to hurt so much.
I also printed off his picture and went to a construction site and burned it. I listened to "Forget You." That felt good.
Part of me didn't want to go to group, but I knew I needed to go.
As I was driving there, and thinking about him and overanalyzing, the thought came that he wouldn't want me, because I'm an addict.
But then I thought... No, I am not just an addict. I am awesome! I am more than my addiction.

Group was just what I needed that night. I love that program so much. I am so glad I went.

Then the panic attacks started the next morning. I knew it wasn't just him. It was the past few months and yesterday. I was a camel and I'd had my last straw.
I really wanted to just sit home and cry that day, but I didn't. I kept busy. I went out with friends. I went to the temple, which was good. One worker told me that the people I was doing the work for would find me and thank me one day. I felt needed.
I even got to sit in the celestial room and pray.
I went out for yogurt, even though I was ill and panicky. I breathed.
Sunday I went and met with my Bishop. I told him about my addiction. We talked. I got a blessing. Then I came home and slept and only attended part of church because I felt so panicky and ill. Not fun.

It's hard. Part of me is embarrassed for what happened. Misread signals? I don't know. My confidence took a huge hit. Ugh. It's such a struggle. Also, my little abused girl keeps coming up, the "please love me, if I do this, will you love me?" aspect of me. And my obsessive thinking keeps kicking in. So helpful. My emotions are still all over the place. Let's just say the boy left things kinda up in the air.
I'm working on turning all this over to my Heavenly Father. I move forward. I strive. I try not to yield.
I need a punching bag.

So I acknowledge my feelings. I acknowledge my failings. I listen to Conference talks. I read the scriptures. I am working on Step 11. I have these meditations on Healing and Banishing Depression (or thoughts), so I'm doing those as well. I still struggle. Part of me just wants to sit and play Candy Crush all day. And sometimes I do that and then I snap out of it and go do something else.

I will get through this. I will move forward. It won't be forever. I will go for walks or go swimming instead of eating the pound of fudge in my house. I will have a bit of the fudge.
I will go to work, I will do my best to work hard. I will turn my life over to the Lord. No, I'm not perfect at this.
I will be honest. I've fantasied a bit about having a boyfriend when I see this guy next. I've imagined conversations. I've been hurt and angry. Memories, triggers and temptations have been around a lot and it is soooooo tempting to give in. I know it would be a relief, yet I know that relief would only last for a second and then the guilt would overwhelm me and it's not worth that.

So, I don't know what is going to happen. I know I will make it. I have Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost on my side.