Why do I keep going?

It's been a really hard few weeks. Yes, February = month of darkness when I was immersed in my addiction almost constantly, so it should be expected. I've mentioned that before, but I think it's always been a hard month.
I treated myself to a nice Valentine's Night involving good food, a good movie and some Olympics. And my kitty-cat valentines. I look for something good in every day.

As for that show, well I'd prayed before about giving up this show because of my crush on the actor. And I felt that it was my choice. So I decided to watch it. Only one episode left, right? And so I watched it and… it was horrible. It's like the writers decided to take this great characters and completely change them. I was so mad! I still am mad! I was up half the night because I was so mad. Augh! Sorry, I tend to get emotionally involved in stories I like and enjoy. Hey, I cry watching Hallmark commercials, so why should a show I watch regularly be any different.

So I picked something else to read.. I vented to friends and family. Today it struck me that God knew this would happen! I smile, because it shows He has a sense of humor. Sure Stacey, watch this show… you won't like it after the next episode anyway. :) ha ha ha.

But I still struggle with the fantasy world. Being really tired means I'm more susceptible to triggers. I know I'm struggling with depression because, well, I don't want to do anything.

I lost a friend recently, which has contributed. It's been a very, very difficult time for me. The loss hit me more than I thought it would. I find myself dealing with anger at the friend for what happened, sadness that I lost that friendship, I miss them, and guilt that I could have done something more for that person. However, I have not been angry at God, which I see as a good sign. The situation has got my brain in escape mode and I have really been struggling with fantasies. Not sexual ones, just the old story world I created. I know that being creative is not evil. It is a gift that I can't use right now because I tend to use it to escape and giving in can lead to lust fantasy.

But I keep going. I work Step 10. Not doing great at it. Definitely not making sure I meet my physical needs. I've written down goals and I'm going to write them down again.
I keep trudging through the darkness in hopes of finding the light. Holding on to the tiny rays of light God sends to get me through each day. He does send hope.
I'm actually feeling, in some ways, better about life than I have before now.

So I keep going with hope that the faint silver lining I glimpse ahead will burst into rains of plenty and I will have that happiness that the Savior promised me.

I love this song and I wanted to share it with you all.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever you would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Isaiah 43:2-5

2 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.

3 For I am the Lord thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Saviour: I gave Egypt for thy ransom, Ethiopia and Seba for thee.

4 Since thou wast precious in my sight, thou hast been honourable, and I have loved thee: therefore will I give men for thee, and people for thy life.

5 Fear not: for I am with thee:

Heart Triggers.

Beggar's Daughter did a few blog posts on different kinds of triggers. (Apparently the website is down for February. Darn it!) So never mind that. Look it up when it's back up...

Anyway the triggers are Heart, Mind, and Soul.

I'm struggling lately with triggers and the temptation to live in fantasy.
I talked about my fantasy issue last week in the previous post, but I realized that I didn't talk about the trigger. It was a big, huge heart trigger (s).
In the past, my fantasies about men involved them finding me attractive. There's a lot of detail in how I would go about that, but for the sake of space, I will just say that I used fantasy to create a better self self, to make an alternate me.

Now I realize that these fantasies were based on a need to feel loved, to feel important, to be wanted and desired by someone. It's basic limerence and it's a natural part of crushes, etc. However, with me it's not a good thing. Ya know, with the whole addiction aspect.

Which is why I think I shut down. I mean, yes, I had a crush on a coworker and a guy in my ward, but they seem more like practice rounds compared with what I'm going through right now. This past week the addict me has been clamoring for release. Memories of old fantasies, old "story lines" have been coming up every day. And all based on a crush on movie star.

This kinda hit me unexpectedly. I'm very careful in what I watch. I usually avoid films with actors I've had crushes/fantasies about. And I can be logical and say "This is pretend. This is not real. It's not even based on reality." But I still struggle. Because my heart wants it. And it is a good desire. A desire to be loved is not a bad thing. But my addiction can turn it into a slip and relapse.

As a result, I've been analyzing what led me to this point. Because I am very, very happily single. Not interested in dating, thank you!
But a few months ago, I watched a movie with some sweet romantic scene and I now realize that it triggered my heart. I want to be loved. Part of me wants a boyfriend and the other part is scared to death about a relationship. Scared about feelings and revealing my addiction, etc. So I bury it.
Then, last month, I went on a date. I'm trying to be open to what Heavenly Father wants for me. And I know that includes getting married. So I went on a date. It was nice. And I never heard from him again.

I wasn't expecting this to end in a temple marriage, but the result disheartened me. It has happened so much! Another heart trigger. And so when this actor comes along in a show that I love, that makes me laugh, a guy that seems nice and is, well completely safe to have a crush on… my heart was ripe for the trigger. Which is also scaring me, because dang it, if I feel like this when I have a crush on a face on a screen… how am I ever going to handle a real, live person.

The problem is that I'm struggling to put it away. To turn to Heavenly Father in the midst of the trigger and the feelings. To not watch every single movie he's in and read every single article about him. Memorize his birthday, etc. But oh it is HARD! Because the feelings are so nice. So today I am trying. I did not watch much of the Super Bowl. I'm working on my callings. I am not watching the show, because Sunday is about the Lord and I want to show Him that I want Him center in my life.

It's not easy, because my faith is weak right now. I am not where I want to be. I don't understand why I have to be here. And at the same time terrified about ever leaving. Oh, anxiety about change makes life so much fun.
I worry that I am not where I'm supposed to be. I worry that I'm not handling this trial in a good way and feel like it's a jail sentence that the Lord will just keep increasing until I finally learn my lesson. I am so tired of my job. I am so tired of living at home. I am tired of my life. It's supposed to get better at some point, right?

But every day I pray. I read my scriptures. I try to find one good thing to be grateful for. And sometimes I do this because I feel like if I keep going maybe, just maybe I'll get a blessing for it. Probably not the best attitude to have, but I don't want to shirk. So today I'll just keep trudging.

So here's my song for the day. It really speaks to me right now. I love how it seems a little depressing, but to me, it's hopeful. Because I'm not alone and somewhere deep inside, I must believe that God will help me.
Otherwise I wouldn't keep trying.

The rocks have evil faces, Lord. And I am afraid.

The above comes from a poem Elder Holland quotes in his talk "An High Priest of Good Things to Come" and perfect expresses how I am feeling today.

As you may remember, my first post of the New Year was about how I was going to make 2014 different and be better now. 

Ha ha ha ha ha.

That hasn't happened. It's been…. a tough time.

I know part of it is because my Recovery Anniversary is coming up. Three years ago in January I was deeply mired in my addiction. (February too). Starting in March, I went to see my Bishop and got started in recovery, and somehow, every single January/February I struggle. Stupid adversary.

Then, a couple weeks ago I got sick. Like shoot-me-now level of illness. I could hardly get up, but then I had to work. No work = no money. So I would go to work for as long as I could and go home early, which pretty much just made my illness worse. I felt so exhausted. I couldn't do much. Walking to get the mail about killed me. I could read, but I didn't want to read… hard things. My brain could barely comprehend the scriptures, but I still wanted to read them daily. So I at least read one verse, but then I would want to read something "easy." I didn't feel that I had the energy left for anything else. So I started reading a bunch of stories relating to a TV show I love.
Plus. I wasn't sleeping at night because I was sleeping during the day.
I missed church because I was ill and PASG. So I was going on a week without taking the sacrament or attending group (which is like sacrament meeting to me). So, I knew a bad day was coming. Last Tuesday was that day. I was sick, I was working on 3 hours of sleep. I'd had fight with my mom a couple of nights before. I wasn't reading my scriptures for longer than 5 minutes day, but reading a lot of other stuff. Basically, I was not doing what I should be doing to maintain sobriety.

So last Tuesday, I went online at a public library to do some research and ended up watching videos featuring the actor of this TV series I am a fan of. This is not good.
A part of my addiction was creating fantasies about actors. I would fantasize about them and about me meeting them. Usually not sexual. Typical limerence stuff, focused on me and their paying attention to me, but lust fantasy all the same. Since I realized that fantasy was part of my addiction, I've stopped doing that. I don't read every thing I can find about the actor. I don't memorize their biography, watch all their movies, etc.
But I found myself doing this Tuesday. I finally realized what I was doing, so I shut off the video. But on the way home I kept thinking about it. Imagining myself impressing him, etc. Maybe that counts as a slip.

Slips are hard for me to judge. I mean, reading a romance novel = slip. Reading a kissing scene in a book over and over again is a slip. Looking at porn knowingly = slip. And I tried to fight it, but I didn't have the strength. I switched songs when I really wanted to listen to the one on my ipod again. The song wasn't triggering, I was making it a trigger. Once I got home, I hit my knees, so exhausted, and begged for forgiveness. After the prayer, I didn't feel it was a slip. More like an almost slip.... like walking the edge of a slip. So I slept while listening to Conference talks.

I was straying off the path of recovery. So for the next few days I've battled with myself as to whether I need to give up this show/stories. Today, sitting in church I realized that I had the choice. Was I making this fictional portrayal more important than my Heavenly Father. The answer was yes. So I stopped. I took a break. I read other things. I listened to Conference talks instead of reading. I studied my scriptures, especially in the Topical Guide under "Thoughts." Some very awesome scriptures in there! I feel better.

There's more to write about here, but this is already long enough. So... more next time.

I wanted to share a song I absolutely love. I listen to it a lot. I'm fighting a battle, but I know who has won the war! I just have to choose which side I'm on. And my Savior will help me win this battle too.

There's a battle between good and evil

And it's raging inside of me

There's a struggle, it's God and the devil

It's love against the enemy

Oh no, I'm not giving up now, Oh

Life's a fight of wrong and right that's tearing me apart

Oh but what the cross has done

Yeah the world will try to battle for my heart

But the war is already won

The year is gone… good riddance.

Confession time: I'm wasn't really that excited for New Years Eve. Or New Years Day. I had to work. No parties to go to. There was a Single Adult Dance a half hour away, but ha ha ha NO!

I've been struggling not to get in a slump. The week before Christmas I had a day off in the middle of the week. I was excited. I was going to go to the temple, workout, clean, etc. Instead, that morning I checked my email and, well, a path I was hoping would open up, turned out to be blocked rather heavily. It's not impossible, but at the time, the news deflated me. And I'm still not sure if it will open up. This is hard because I had prayed and felt this path was right, but now I doubted. It was one way to get back to the UK and it hurt that way seemed closed.

The email brought back doubts and fears. So instead of doing what I planned, I went for a walk and talked to Heavenly Father and listened to Christmas music, then I decided to read a book. And that's how I spent the rest of the day. Turns out it was a very triggery book too. WHY do we have to have descriptions, people? Just say "they kissed."

So I skipped over those parts, but when it came 6 o'clock, I felt guilty.

I deliberately wasted time to escape.

Since then, it's been a struggle. With triggers, with depression, with life. Missing meetings and sacrament meetings does not go over well with my addict. Life seems harder when I haven't had a chance to make those covenants with the sacrament and feeling the spirit of recovery in PASG meetings.

They help me deal with the struggle of life.

I try not to show it on social networks. Because I don't really see the point of trying to get sympathy for how I'm feeling.

Plus, trying to be positive helps me, well, stay positive. I want to set a good example for the people I teach. So, instead of posting how sad I am, I tend to post uplifting quotes on the hard days.


As 2014 loomed, I didn't feel a lot of hope. I think it's because the last couple years I've felt very hopeful as a new year came. Surely this would be the year things would change, I'd get work that actually uses one of my degrees. I'd move. I'd start feeling less stuck and more purposeful.

But it hasn't happened. I'm stuck on Step 10. I'm stuck at a job. I'm stuck living at home.

So I'm thrilled 2013 is over, it was a very hard year, but I'm not enthusiastic about 2014. More of a wait-and-see.

I'm setting some small goals for the new year. Dealing with scripture study, bedtime, exercise (like Step 10, trying to take care of the basic physical, emotional and spiritual aspects of my day).

Then I burned my finger on the first day of 2014. It hurt like the dickens and then it blistered. Plus I've been fighting off an illness for a week. Ugh. I'm really hoping this is not a portent for the year to come…

I meant to work on Step 10 today, but our church time changed and I've been sick all weekend. Plus I stayed up way late, hence the new goal on bedtime, so I slept in and it did not get done. I'm not young anymore. ha ha ha.

But there's always tomorrow. I mean that in a non-procrastination way. Each day is a new beginning and a new start.

And if I fail one day, I can try again the next.

One of my goals is to read the Ensign every month before the month is up.

I was reading President Uchtdorf's message in January's Ensign.

This was definitely a tender mercy for me as dear Pres. Uchtdorf's words touched my heart and mind.

I do fear and procrastinate. I have been waiting to be chosen.

"With every new day, a new dawn comes—not only for the earth but also for us. And with a new day comes a new start—a chance to begin again."

Now.

I'm going to try. Especially in regards to Step 10. I really, really want to be done with it soon. However, I know that the Lord may want me to take longer.

Last week in PASG we read Step 3. And I was supposed to read it. Every single word, almost, I needed to hear and read at that time. I needed to remember to trust in God. I needed to remember to work on that trust. Because I still take away trust and then give it back and then take it away again.

But I keep giving it back.

And then we read "It requires us to rededicate ourselves to His will at the start of each day and some- times every hour or even from moment to moment."

That still applies to me! I still have to work on giving Heavenly Father my trust daily and sometimes hourly and sometimes moment to moment.

Because I struggle with trusting Him. I struggle to understand how being here (in a literal and figurative sense) is helping or teaching me. I struggle with wanting more and trying to be patient that it will come.

I struggle to believe that it will get better.

So that might need to be added to my goals for 2014. Work on trusting in God.

As President Uchtdorf says, "Now is the best time to start becoming the person we eventually want to be."

Christmas is meant for me

I meant to write a blog before Christmas, but time got away from me.

It usually does.

The week before Christmas was hard. I almost slipped, reading an article that triggered me and that made me mad, because it's an article about a good cause, but it triggered me and that triggered guilt that such a filthy subject could trigger me. The cycle continues.

I also woke up one Saturday morning, enjoying a nice relaxing lie-in when

BAM

Memories of fantasies, specific fantasies, started rising to the surface of my mind.

I hadn't thought of them in a long, long time.

And with these memories, came the longing, the feelings, the addiction.

Oh, it was so tempting. 

And disgusting. Which was good. I prayed, I gave those memories and feelings to Heavenly Father.

I asked for forgiveness.

Then I got up and did something.

Then came Christmas. I had made an subconscious vow not to act like I had last year (a veritable Scrooge) and I think I actually met that goal.

Christmas was a little stressful. For some reason, my body decided it didn't like change and so I felt a little panicky during the trip to my family's and there as well.

Then there is the whole stress of my family. I'm not sure I even want to go into that. Christmas Eve wasn't peaceful or happy, let me just leave it at that. It is hard not to be negative around some members of my family. Negativity is rampant in todays' world. Even among members of the LDS Church.

We look at what we have and only see what we don't have or what didn't go the way we wanted.

So I am choosing to focus on the positive. To live in the moment. When I felt panicky or sad, I focused on the moment. Making memories with my family. I spent lots of time with my brother's kids and I had a lot of fun.

I did have some weird dreams, though. Romantic dreams. Not in the user dream sense, but in the desire to be loved sense. These dreams brought back some issues for me. Like what the heck was going on!

Fantasy was such a huge part of any relationship I attempted to have, that I just don't deal with it. 

These dreams brought back a lot of those longings to be loved, to have a boyfriend, etc. And I don't want to feel that way again. I'm probably not explaining this well. I guess when it comes to the idea of having a boyfriend (which I honestly can't imagine), my attitude is "I'll deal with it when it happens." No fantasies. No what-ifs. Reality, please.

So I'm back to reality. Back to work. Trying to make sense of life.

That's for another blog post.

Still haven't worked on Step 10. Not sure I'm done with it. 

I mean, I definitely still struggling with previewing my day and reviewing it and especially the time-outs.

I wanted to be finished by the New Year. Probably not going to happen. I'm going to reread Step 10 tonight and see how I feel about it all.

I'm tired tonight and my family generously shared their bug, so I'm not feeling great. I'm hoping this blog doesn't seem depressing. It is not meant to be.

I actually got to say my prayers this morning! 

Then I read Elder Bruce Porter's talk in December's Ensign. 

He quotes Isaiah 61:1 and then he says, "When we read of Christ’s mission to proclaim liberty to the captives and open the prison to those who are bound, we probably think first of His ministry in the spirit world among the dead. But we are all captive—captive to the corruption and weakness of mortal bodies and subject to the temptations of the flesh, to infirmity, and, ultimately, to death—and we all have need to be set free.

Whatever binds us—sins, circumstances, or past events—the Lord Jesus Christ, the great Immanuel, came to set us free. He proclaims liberty to the captives and freedom from the bonds of death and the prison of sin, ignorance, pride, and error. It was prophesied that He would say to the prisoners, “Go forth” (Isaiah 49:9). The only condition of our freedom is that we come unto Him with broken hearts and contrite spirits, repent, and seek to do His will."

I give thanks to my Savior, who was born and died that I could be set free.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

It probably shouldn't take this long.

I've been on Step 10 since March (I think. I'm not sure where my recovery journal is to look it up... Ha that's a sign right there).
This week in group was Step 11 and as we read it, I realized, and the Spirit whispered as we read, that I was working a little on Step 11, which is good, but that I haven't been working recovery as strong as I should be. Or I feel I should be.

I don't believe Addiction Recovery is a competition and God isn't judging me because I'm not making as much progress as someone else. I don't think the manual is something that should be sped through, but sometimes I worry that I'm not working fast enough.

Basically, I don't know if I'm doing this correctly. If there is a correct way.
Gah. Sometimes I get so confused.
Anyway, I want to work on it. That's the point. My goal is to have Step 10, the Study & Understanding section at least, finished this weekend.

I need to move on, which also scares me. Maybe I'll just start over again with a new manual after Step 12. Ha ha ha.

Today I tried going a whole day without negative thoughts. Didn't happen. This is definitely something I will work on.
I almost said "Need" but I'm working on using a different word after reading Jessica's blog post When You Feel You Aren’t Enough, Stop Needing Part 1 and Part 2.

Honestly, sometimes I wonder if I'm helping anyone at all. I feel exactly like Jessica writes "It is easy for us to critique ourselves and hand ourselves this overwhelming to-do list of all the personality flaws and character traits that need corrected. When we do that, we feel like perpetual failures- inadequate and unworthy."

I'm working on giving my actions purpose. On changing my prayers so I'm not putting the entire burden on God to help me or on myself to change. We have to work together.

To that end, I've been reading in the Topical Guide under "Trust in God" and a lot of verses about trusting in God are found in Psalms. I actually return to these scriptures a lot. I am perpetually on Step 3. :)
I especially liked this one (the whole chapter is excellent).
Psalms 34:22: "The Lord redeemeth the soul of his servants: and none of them that trust in him shall be desolate."

I will not be desolate. Desolate is such a powerful word and the Lord says I will not be that way if I trust in Him.
This fills me with hope. If I could just put the whole chapter here, I would, it is a great chapter of scripture.  The Lord will deliver us. He is for us.

So forward and onward. I hope I haven't been plateauing or regressing. I hope these past several months have had progress, no matter how miniscule.

If music be the food of recovery, play on...

Many, many moons ago I lived in a small house with four roommates.

One of the girls listened to Church music ALL the time.
No radio. No Beatles.
Just the soundtracks to the LDS church seminary videos. All day.

I remember thinking it was kind of weird. I loved LDS church music, like Michael McLean, but I didn't listen to it all day. Of course, looking back, I was smack dab in the midst of addiction and some of the songs I did listen to weren't the best.

Flash forward many moons.
The other day a coworker hitched a ride in my car. The radio came on and, of course, it was set to a Christian station. I wondered what they thought. A Mormon who listens to Christian music?

But it is so wonderful.
I hardly ever listen to contemporary radio anymore. My preset radio stations in my car and at home are all set to Christian radio stations, the local LDS music station and the local Classical one.
I have my iPod with good music that I trust. Occasionally I listen to some local stations, but I either don't like the song or I don't recognize it. Or it's so bad I have to turn it off.

I don't feel like I'm missing much. No offense to those who do listen to the radio. This is my choice.
And there are days when I crank up Coldplay because I love their music and I know it's safe (I've only had to delete ONE song of theirs! And it wasn't blatantly triggering. It just triggered me.)
If any of you are interested in some of my non-Christian faves, let me know and I can make a list. As soon as I figure out how to add tabs to my blog. :)

Music is a key to recovery. A very vital key to me. As I've mentioned before, I used music to fuel my fantasies, so there are some songs I honestly cannot listen to anymore because they bring back memories and triggers.
I have list of songs on my iPod I call Dailies, these are songs that encourage me or that focus me back to the Savior.

This post was going to feature a lot of my favorite songs, but then I realized that would take up a lot of space and time.
So...
One of my favorite Christian artists is Toby Mac. I love his music!
This is one of my favorite songs of his that just came out. I have a tendency to dance in my car and wave my arms around like some rapper when it comes on, it's just so uplifting and awesome.
I am working on training myself to Speak Life.

Try to stay in a bad mood listening to that song. I have tried and failed.

Now I'm off to work on Step 10! I'm hoping to finish it this week and move on to Step 11. We'll see if that's what the Lord wants. Wish me luck.